The Traveling Girls and the Journey's End
Pirel woke quickly—before I could even finish dressing her. The first thing she said upon waking was this:
“Ugh… it’s cold… Where are we, Kaira…?”
Unlike me, it seemed the rewinding of time had erased her memories along with everything else. That was a relief. It meant the outer entities hadn’t taken enough interest to leave her with recollections that existed outside the proper flow of time.
…At least not yet.
As soon as Pirel regained some clarity, her face flushed crimson. She still remembered what we had done the night before.
“U-um, Kaira… About yesterday, that… that was…”
I continued helping her with the rest of her clothes, speaking as though it were nothing.
“It’s all right. It was because of the magic. …The magic’s fault.”
“Yeah… It was the magic, wasn’t it…”
Since walking was still difficult for me, Pirel fetched the boots, backpack, and robe I had hidden behind the cabin. With those, we were finally equipped to face the winter wind.
As I reached for the reins of the Ashen Headwind, Pirel caught my wrist in a tight grip.
“What is it, Pirel?”
Still holding my hand, she stepped closer, tilting her face up to mine. Then, with a warm smile, she murmured:
“Kaira… you really are my daughter. You resemble me, of course, but you look so much like Rasail too.”
Her red eyes stared straight into mine. The sudden words made me shy; I turned my gaze aside so our eyes wouldn’t meet.
Into my ear came her whisper.
“Kaira, I love you.”
“Huh…?”
What? All of a sudden?!
Caught off guard by the suspicious declaration, I fumbled for a reply.
“Um… Pirel…?”
“I know I only did those things with you because of the magic. I remember everything. I was conscious the whole time. I’m not being controlled right now, but still… whenever I look at you, Rasail keeps overlapping with your face. So even without the magic, I feel… a little like that.”
Oh no…
…It seemed that brainwashing magic which preserved consciousness and personality carried its own dangers. After the spell lifted, it became impossible to tell where one’s true will ended and the implanted personality began. In some ways, that made it even more perilous.
But
I could not bring myself to turn away from the lips of the girl who approached me with that confession.
Chup…
The two girls’ soft mouths met, warmer than the early-winter breeze. Though there should have been no sweetness, it tasted sweet; though it was only the touch of living skin, my body shivered. A shallow, gentle, childlike kiss. The kind of pounding, earnest love confession that suited a girl her age.
I—who was exactly half a mirror of that pure first love, a substitute for her father—could not push her away.
The kiss, carrying something beyond mother-daughter affection, ended as fleetingly as the first thin snowflakes melting in the early winter wind.
The moment our lips parted we came to our senses, staring at each other with burning faces. For a long moment, neither of us spoke.
I broke the awkward silence first.
“Listen. P-Pirel… It might not feel real to you, but… I’m… your…”
“I know. My daughter. We’re in a relationship where we absolutely mustn’t do things like that. I’m sorry… I’m sorry, Kaira. For making you uncomfortable.”
We had grown too embarrassed to continue. In silence we finished packing, mounted the Ashen Headwind, and set off.
I checked our direction with a quick glance at the clock and the sun’s altitude, then urged the horse northward without delay. I tried not to imagine what expression Pirel might be wearing behind me.
I once thought I wanted to keep tormenting Pirel’s mind until she became dependent on me… but this wasn’t the shape I had imagined. Being loved in this way…
Feeling strangely unsettled, I deliberately rode faster, pushing the horse into a trot to leave the forest around Viran’s cabin as quickly as possible. That was when I felt Pirel wrap her arms tightly around my waist from behind. She must have pressed her cheek to my back; warmth bloomed against the nape of my neck.
“…Do you hate me, Kaira?”
I kept my mouth shut for a long time, staring at the horse’s mane, before I finally managed an answer.
“Of course I love you, Pirel.”
“…As a mother?”
Another long silence. The only thing keeping the quiet from becoming absolute was the steady clop of horseshoes against the earth.
I remained silent all the way out of the forest and onto the distant road. Even after the Ashen Headwind gave a happy snort upon finally stepping onto firmly packed ground, I said nothing.
“Father… is dead, Pirel.”
I was the one who finally shattered the suffocating stretch of half a day’s silence.
“I know how precious he was to you. I may not be able to understand just how precious, but I know he was everything. You’re simply seeing his shadow… overlapping it onto me.”
I spoke softly, just loud enough to be heard over the hoofbeats, trying to persuade the lovesick girl.
“Besides, I don’t deserve to receive those feelings from you. I might not even be your daughter Kaira. I could be nothing more than a stranger from a faraway world who devoured your daughter’s memories… just a man.”
And perhaps the primal horror from beyond reality that had swallowed her daughter’s entire personality. But I kept that part to myself. I didn’t want to burden Pirel with talk of the outer god trying to consume me.
Pirel answered while slowly stroking my back with a sorrowful hand.
“It doesn’t matter. Because that’s still you, Kaira. The sum of everything—including the memories of the uncle who lived on Earth—is Kaira. And,”
The hand that had been gently tracing my spine suddenly seized the back of my robe with firm resolve.
“Aren’t you the one overlapping the image of Kaira’s mother onto me?”
“What…?”
I reined the Ashen Headwind to a halt. Sensing the strange atmosphere on its back, the horse gave a soft whinny.
“Kaira. Your mother Pirel died in that basement together with Rasail. By your hand. Kaira’s mother… is no longer a person in this world.”
“Pirel…”
She kept her face pressed tightly against my back and continued.
“It’s admirable that even after suffering such wounds you gathered your will with the thought of finding me and endured a painful life. And I’m truly grateful that you actually found me. But Kaira… I am not Kaira’s mother. I’m just Pirel…”
I could say nothing.
Everything she said was true. I had simply known it and deliberately looked away, forcing my own delusions.
“So you can hold any feelings you want toward me. You can do anything. The magic Viran cast only gave us a push. So, Kaira…”
Through the robe, through the travel dress beneath it, I felt moisture seeping in.
“Please. Fill Rasail’s place for me. For the past month… I tried so hard to fill the place of Kaira’s mother. So, Kaira…?”
“……”
I could say nothing. I simply slipped my feet from the stirrups, turned in the saddle, and pulled her into my arms.
“…Kaira, don’t try to brush this aside without saying anything…”
But Pirel squirmed free of my embrace and glared at me.
“It’s cowardly to grant all my shameful requests and then think a hug will make it go away. Kaira… what are you going to do? You have to give me an answer, don’t you…? To your mom.”
My lips trembled. In the end I spoke.
“Pirel. I’m… a dirty child.”
“Huh…?”
“For a year… no, for two years, I lived by giving my body to men every single day.”
“I know. I received all the memories, so it’s like I read every page of the diary. It doesn’t matter.”
“And after what happened in that forest… almost every night, while you were sleeping, I… touched myself in those shameful places and… enjoyed it.”
Bewilderment flickered across Pirel’s face.
“Hweh…?”
Meeting the wavering girl’s gaze, I drove the point home.
“So I don’t deserve to receive those feelings from you.”
“But…”
Pirel started to speak, then closed her mouth. I turned forward again and urged the horse on.
She must be shocked.
After that, Pirel didn’t say a single word all day. Not when we crossed the border between Waldenheim and the Church’s direct domain, nor even as the sun set on the grassy hills not far from Poscotia and the hour grew late.
There were no houses in sight. We would have to spend one last night on the road together.
I cast the spell from Viran’s book that would sound an alarm if any creature with a mana circulation system came near, laying it around our campsite. …It was probably the same magic that had let Viran find and kidnap us in the first place.
Pirel, still silent, crawled into the single sleeping bag without waiting for me.
I stood there wondering what to do when her thin voice drifted out.
“Come in, Kaira. It’s cold.”
I hesitated, then crawled in after her.
“…I’m sorry.”
To Pirel, who burrowed deep into my arms and looked up at me with those words, I answered in turn.
“I’m sorry too.”
Her red eyes, lit by moonlight, trembled visibly.
“When I opened my eyes, more than twenty years had passed. Leaving only me behind.”
The girl in my embrace spoke in a trembling yet quiet voice.
“My family was gone. My childhood friend had vanished. They threw me out of the brothel saying I was useless, and I had nowhere left to go.”
I listened to Pirel’s story in silence.
“Then I barely managed to stay at Miss Opia’s house and thought I had finally found a family… but this time a woman appeared claiming she was my real family and said she was taking me away…”
I felt her small hand clutch the front of my clothes.
“So, Kaira. Right now I only have you… Don’t abandon me, Kaira? Please? Don’t leave me and go alone… I’ll do anything you say. You can cast that magic you used before and drag me around like a pet. Just don’t… leave me alone like that… I don’t want to be abandoned. I like you, Kaira. As much as Rasail—maybe even more…”
I spoke softly.
“We’ve only traveled together for about a month.”
Pirel looked up at me with tear-filled eyes, as though trying to guess what I would say next.
“…During that time you died twice, and even when you didn’t die, your personality was completely destroyed two more times.”
“Mmm…”
“Traveling is dangerous, yes, but this is different. I think if you had traveled with anyone but me, you wouldn’t have suffered such absurd misfortune. Viran said the same thing—that because of my strange ability to interfere with causality, the fate around me has become twisted.”
Pirel rubbed her face against my chest.
“But you saved me every time.”
“It’s better not to die at all than to die and be brought back. Just as I’m all you have, right now you’re all I have. I don’t want to watch you get dragged into misfortune because of me.”
Yet when I saw her face growing wet and transparent, silently asking Then will you abandon me?, I could not bring myself to speak the cruel refusal.
“…Saint Azalea is a good and strong person. If you stay by her side for a while, I’m sure you’ll become strong like her. Strong enough to protect your own body… no, strong enough to protect me.”
Pirel’s red eyes darted back and forth, trying to read my intentions.
She’s so cute…
“So, in a few years… four or five years… after you’ve lived with the Saint, I’ll come for you. If your feelings are still the same then… I’ll… accept your confession.”
Pirel’s eyes immediately clouded with suspicion.
“Hmph. Isn’t that the excuse mothers always give when they abandon their children at the orphanage?”
I smiled faintly.
“If I die during my travels, then yes. I’ll do everything I can to make sure that doesn’t happen.”
I had to. Otherwise something might crawl into this world through my body and twist it into something horrible.
“Hmph. Fine. I’ll believe you. You have to keep your promise.”
With that, Pirel hugged me tightly, a little sulkily. “Even now, when you look at me… do you want to do those things…?” I stared straight into her red eyes and answered.
“…Yes. A little.”
Pirel gave no reply. She simply buried her face deeper into my chest. Her soft hair tickled the skin beneath my collar.
The feeling she was experiencing now—a strange blend of same-sex attraction and familial love—was probably nothing more than a pubescent girl’s fleeting whim. The kind of emotion every girl that age goes through, only to watch it cool and fade with time.
I had told a shallow lie simply to buy that time.
That didn’t mean I intended to break the promise to meet again in a few years. As we both knew, the only family either of us had left in this world was each other.
Once her heart had calmed, Pirel buried her face completely in my chest, sniffing quietly as her body relaxed.
“Kaira, your scent… It still smells good, but it’s changed somehow. It’s less like bread now and more like the smell of a person…”
She murmured sleepily. I, too, worn out from the day-long emotional tug-of-war, felt my consciousness slowly drifting away.