Of All the Days

A few days passed like that, and of course no further word came from my wife, or from Jia. Whether I ought to call that a relief or a sadness, I couldn't tell. Either way, my days went on no differently than they always had.

It wasn't as if anything special had happened. At most, Jia had turned up unannounced at my place for a couple of days. That was the whole of it.

And yet it was a strange thing. The ordinary routines that had never meant anything to me now felt, somehow, special. Maybe that was why, once those days had passed, I kept playing them back in my head—endlessly, on repeat. Had I slipped up somewhere. Had I done something that might make Jia disappointed in me. I knew perfectly well how meaningless it was, and how pathetic.

Even so, the moment I got home and let the hours drain away in a daze, the thoughts started up on their own.

…Am I lonely.

The moment the thought reached that far, a bitter smile pulled at my mouth. I was going to have to find another hobby.

Gaming had been the one I liked best, but the truth was I never actually played. Day after day I only ever made up my mind to, and that was as far as it went. At this point I might as well admit I didn't find it fun. Should I start exercising again? If I was thinking about my health, it was the best hobby there was. Or I could go hunting for good restaurants. Those trendy places seemed to be everywhere lately.

Then again—a forty-year-old man wandering restaurants by himself. That felt a little off, too.

People I could call friends. To put it bluntly, in my twenties I'd been so short on time for drinks and outings that I'd let about half those ties go, and there was almost no one left I was close to. I could still call one or two if I wanted. Unfortunately, they'd only just gotten married and were buried in a kind of busyness they'd never known before. I knew exactly how exhausting it was when a kid was around five, so I couldn't very well tell them to come out.

I thought I understood, a little, why Miyoung had gone out of her way to suggest we eat together. When you've got no friends worth calling, you still sometimes want—even briefly—to talk to another person. That didn't mean I wanted to ask one of my subordinates out to dinner.

That was textbook Young Forty.

Or did it even count. I myself was forty any day now. I'd only ever known noise and exhaustion, so I had never once understood what loneliness even felt like.

Well… better not to think about it, and just go to work. What else was a life, anyway. You worked so you could eat, grew old slowly, and died. That was the whole of it.

"I can't even remember the last time I came to a movie theater."

"It's not exactly the kind of place you have a reason to visit."

"Do you come often, Assistant Manager?"

"No. I think it's been three years since I last went."

"You're no better than I am. I think it's been about that long for me, too."

Miyoung sounded as if she were enjoying herself. I couldn't quite name what I was feeling, but having somewhere to be on the weekend wasn't a bad feeling. If I didn't come out even for this, I'd throw the whole holiday away doing nothing from morning to night.

"More to the point—are you sure this is all right? You've got plenty of friends you'd be comfortable with. You don't have to come to a theater with a boss who makes you uncomfortable."

"Oh, come on, I told you. The comfortable friends are all back home. I only see them when I go down to my parents' place. Around the office, there's nobody I'm close to except you, Assistant Manager."

"Even so. Why with some ajusshi like me…"

"You're hardly old enough for me to call you ajusshi, are you? Not really."

"What does the age gap matter. I'm forty any day now."

"Please. Managers in their forties—fifty any day now—still tell people to call them oppa when they're off the clock."

"…Seriously? There are managers who say that?"

"Well, they exist, don't they? If I say any more it'll turn into gossip, so I'll stop there."

A few candidates started surfacing in my head. Even so—making someone young enough to be their daughter call them oppa. They'd well and truly lost their minds. Not that it surprised me. I already knew those men's characters had gone to hell.

"Anyway, Assistant Manager. What kind of popcorn do you want? One large? Or two singles? Do you like it with caramel, or without? And the cola—is there something else you'd rather drink?"

"Slow down. Slow down. Nobody's going to snatch it away."

"The movie starts soon. We should buy it quickly."

"The first ten minutes are just ads anyway. It doesn't matter."

"That's true, but still—better to buy it fast, right?"

"Just get the small one. I don't really like popcorn anyway. Caramel if you want it, Miyoung, and for my drink, a Coke Zero."

"Got it. I'll be right back."

"You're going? I can go."

"No way. I can't make you get up. How could I let my boss go first?"

"Anyone listening would get the wrong idea. Since when have I ever moved that snappily."

She was still teasing me even outside the office. It was only a box of popcorn. No need to read anything into it.

More than that—a movie. The last time I'd gone, I thought, had been when Jia was in middle school. In her ninth-grade year her mother had gotten hold of tickets, and the two of us had gone to see something. I couldn't quite remember what.

If someone asked whether I disliked theaters or liked them, I didn't dislike them. I just hated wandering around outside, and I hated spending money on things that didn't matter. By that measure a movie was fine no matter whether the film itself was any good: you could sit still for two hours, the price was reasonable enough, and afterward you had something to talk about. Though the Miyoung who'd come with me today seemed to like movies a great deal.

Honestly, when she'd first asked me to see one together, I'd been thoroughly thrown. In my head, going to the movies was something you did with friends. And wanting to spend time outside work with your boss—not even a peer—was, from where I stood, very hard to understand. People were different about these things, though. She'd been the same when we drank before, and I was grateful she seemed comfortable around me. We had to work together. Better an easy relationship than an awkward ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠one.

I was turning those thoughts over when my phone suddenly rang. The caller was Jia.

The line cut with a click. I had a feeling Jia would show up later anyway. Not that it would be the end of the world if she did. If she came, I could just buy her dinner somewhere nearby. This place was a department store, after all.

When the call ended, I saw Miyoung coming toward me from a ways off, popcorn in hand. A glance at the clock said the movie would be starting any minute now.

Right. Watch the movie first. Think later.

The movie was decently entertaining. Nothing I'd call a masterpiece, but a perfectly ordinary film that didn't feel like a waste of money. Getting too wrapped up in something only left me tired afterward, ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠so I wasn't in a bad mood. These days that kind of mental fatigue lingered longer than you'd think.

"It was pretty good, wasn't it?"

"Worth seeing. Not bad."

"I'm glad. I heard it was divisive, so I was worried."

"Worried… whether it was fun or not, that isn't your fault."

"Oh, come on. I'm the one who dragged you here. If it was boring, that's on me."

The credits rolled, and we made our way out through the crowd. Miyoung kept talking to me the whole time. Maybe because she hadn't been able to say a word inside the theater, I could feel her easing up as she spoke.

"By the way, Assistant Manager. Do you have anything else after this?"

"Why?"

"If you're free, I thought it might be nice to have dinner together."

I checked the time and saw it was already five. A little early for dinner, but an awkward hour to skip it, too. On any other day I would have thought it a pretty good suggestion. Unfortunately, this one was going to be hard to accept.

"Sorry. I've got plans with my daughter after this."