Afterglow (1)
Arin stepped back into the room.
She crept into the corner again, standing there as quiet as a dead mouse.
It was as if waiting on her feet was far more familiar to her, even with a perfectly good chair right in front of her eyes.
I picked up the paper that was resting crookedly atop the wreckage of my shattered desk.
The corners were crumpled from where I had carelessly tossed it.
Smoothing it out roughly with my palm, I held it out to Arin instead of speaking first.
She scurried over to me and took the paper.
She hadn't always been the type to come running without a word when called, or to just accept whatever was handed to her.
Once, she had been a girl full of curiosity, always eager to ask questions about everything.
"What is... this?"
"Bring the students on this list to me, one by one."
Arin stared down at the names written on the paper for a long moment before letting out a soft sigh.
"...They won't listen to someone like me."
"Just go and deliver the message. It doesn't matter if you can't bring them."
Whether she brought them or not, the important thing was that she went.
It gave me an excuse to make a move.
Even if a student who might be a cultist openly refused a request to testify their faith, that in itself would be telling enough.
Without asking any more questions, Arin tucked the paper into her shirt and left the room.
Watching the door close behind her, I felt a strange emptiness hollow out my chest.
I wondered if I should have held her back and talked to her a bit longer, but I couldn't think of what I would have even said.
I thought about offering an apology... but then again, it didn't feel like I was the one who owed an apology.
Still, I wanted to tell her I was sorry for going that far yesterday.
But the words wouldn't leave my mouth.
Was it pride?
Did I really have any pride left to defend, especially when I had already broken my own capacity to love?
Or was it just that I had spoken the truth, and I didn't want to deny reality?
After all, Arin truly was a pathetic, fallen wreck.
Left alone, the craving for alcohol crept back in.
The empty bottles from yesterday were still rolling around by the window.
I searched for one with a single drop left at the bottom, but I didn't actually want to drink it.
Instead, I gathered the shattered remains of the desk in armfuls and threw them out the door.
While collecting the broken splinters, I cleaned up the rolling bottles and swept away the ashes scattered on the floor.
How should I put it?
It felt as if cleaning everything up would allow me to move past yesterday, pretending nothing had happened.
And in doing so, I could empty my mind as well.
As I kept my body moving, old memories kept forcing their way in.
Memories of the days I spent with Arin back in our village.
Back then, thinking of them brought a dull ache, but now... was it just pain?
I stared at the neatly swept professor's office for a long time before pulling a cigarette from my pocket.
I lit it, letting it dangle from my lips as I gazed out the window.
The sun had dipped by a span.
And then another.
I must have smoked in a daze for about two hours as the cigarettes burned down.
The door opened, and Arin walked in.
She was alone. Not a single student was with her.
Arin didn't look particularly disappointed either.
Though she did steal glances at me, looking a bit disheartened.
"None of them came, right?"
"There is no way they would follow someone like me."
"...Didn't I tell you yesterday not to talk about yourself like that?"
"Lihen. How much more miserable do you want to make me?"
"You crawled out of the village on your own whim, and you spoke your mind whenever you pleased. So whatever I say now, you should just shut up and take it. Don't talk to me about being miserable."
The moment the words left my mouth, I regretted not choosing them more carefully.
Even when I had a chest full of gentle words, the only things that ever slipped past my lips were thorns.
I pulled a stack of bills from my wallet and tossed it onto the desk.
"...What is this for?"
"You said you didn't even have the money to send a letter to the baker's wife. Think of it as payment for all the bread I ate back then."
"..."
There was no way to put a price on the pieces of bread she used to hand me so casually back then. So why did only these bitter words come out?
Even though I knew full well that money could never make up for it, this was the only thing the current me could offer her.
Arin stopped in front of the desk where the money lay.
She stood there in silence for a long time before slowly reaching out and picking up the bills.
Her lips parted as if she wanted to say something, but in the end, she couldn't utter a word.
Tucking the money away, Arin spoke in a low voice.
"Lihen."
"Yeah."
"Do you still hate me?"
It would have been easier if I could just cut her off and say yes, that I hated her, that I loathed her. That would be clean. If I were pushing her away out of hatred, at least things wouldn't be this messy.
"I don't really know."
I didn't even know if I had ever truly hated her.
I had just been angry.
"Lihen. What I said earlier... I wasn't trying to put myself down."
Arin looked at me as she spoke.
"I didn't graduate from the Academy, nor do I hold any high position... and my bloodline is as ordinary as it gets. There's no way the students here would ever respect an adventurer like me. It's... just natural."
"...That's exactly why it pisses me off."
That she accepted it as if it were only natural.
If she was just going to submit and accept things like that... she should have just stayed in the village and waited for me.
Arin bit her lower lip slightly before continuing in a quiet voice.
"Is there anything else you need me to do? Even if it's just... menial chores, anything I can do."
"Just go write that letter to the baker's wife."
In the end, I set out myself.
Everyone recognized the Grian crest, no matter where I went.
As I walked down the hallways, everyone I passed stepped aside, unable to even utter a word to me.
They glanced at me with eyes filled with either fear or contempt.
The non-humans looked at me with fear; the commoners among the humans looked at me with indifference; and those with even a drop of noble blood looked at me with open disdain.
All three looked at me, yet each saw something entirely different.
Perhaps because there was at least some fear mixed in... I didn't feel like my self-esteem was completely bottoming out.
Anyway, I scanned the list as I walked through the lecture halls, and my eyes caught the student at the very top of the list, sitting in the library with an open book.
And then... I wondered what I was even supposed to do.
The Pope had told me to root out the cultists and the demi-humans who were planning to rebel against the Empire... but that was easier said than done.
Thinking I should at least try to probe them, I sat down in the seat next to the student.
I stared intently, locking eyes with the creature... and it immediately kicked back its chair and fled in sheer terror.
Running away like that made it look even more suspicious, so I caught up in a few strides and grabbed its shoulder. At that, it turned pale and began to beg.
"Hieeeek! P-please...! I am an elf whose family has pledged loyalty to the Empire for generations! I'm not like those things living on the frontiers! I'm different from those savages! Please, spare my life...! Y-you're a professor! Even if you got that position by slaughtering my kind like dogs, I'm still a student!"
I hadn't even planned on killing it... but its fit was excessively severe.
Having no other choice, I slung it over my shoulder and was dragging it away.
But then, someone snatched the elf away from me.
"No one! No one, not even a Grian, has the right to harm a student on campus!"
"I wasn't trying to harm..."
I glanced at the point-ear; it had frothed at the mouth and fainted.
It didn't look like anything I said would get through to them anyway.
The student blocking my path seemed to be from the Knight Faculty.
And I knew all too well that the bastards over there were blockheads beyond imagination.
From the idiots who still thought they were just in school, forgetting their status and acting up only to get beaten, to myself, who didn't even know how to mend things with a childhood friend I had known for so long.
It meant there wasn't a single sane person around.
"Do you think it is honorable to use your authority to intimidate a defenseless student and drag them away by force, Professor Grian?"
A student who clearly had nothing in his head besides chivalry, honor, and women spoke boastfully.
The subtle contempt was a bonus.
"If you have even a shred of pride left as a man of the Empire, you will accept this. Aren't you that grand war hero?"
With that, the knight student threw down his glove, challenging me to a duel.
I accepted it and drew my sword first.
"Fine. Draw your sword then."
"No, wait... You're supposed to accept it formally at a scheduled time, when people have gathered..."
"Do you think a Grian won't keep his word just because there's no crowd watching? I'm already humoring your nonsense right now."
Who has the time for that?
I didn't have the slightest desire to gain attention or have my skills recognized within the Academy.
Honestly, if others praised me and lauded my skills as fitting for a true hero, I suppose it would feel—
Good, but... at the very least, I was someone who knew what was important.
Now was not the time to be listening to such praise.
My priority was to beat this arrogant brat, drag him along with the point-ear back to my office... and find the cultists hiding in the Academy.