Escape (14)
Escape (14)
"...I'll walk you to your room."
Rineta didn't answer. She just gave a quiet nod.
She rose from her chair and followed after me.
The corridor was long and dark.
Only the occasional candle sconce on the wall cast a dim glow over our surroundings.
Our footsteps echoed against the cold marble floor.
Rineta walked half a step behind me, silent as a shadow.
It reminded me of that day we walked together through the back garden of the annex.
Like Serepina back then, Rineta said nothing now.
We arrived at her door.
The heavy wooden door was firmly shut.
"Good night."
I spoke.
She didn't respond.
She simply caught hold of my sleeve, her grip feather-light.
The touch was so fragile it felt like it would break if I pulled away.
I waited for her to speak, but her lips stayed sealed.
A moment later, the strength bled from her fingers.
The hand that had clutched my sleeve fell limp.
"...I'm sorry."
Rineta smiled faintly.
She turned, opened the door, and stepped inside.
The sound of the door closing resonated low through the hallway.
I stood there for a beat before forcing my feet to move.
I returned to my room.
I didn't light a lamp.
I stood still, waiting for my eyes to adjust to the dark.
I wasn't sleepy, but I wanted to sleep.
The pale moonlight filtering through the window outlined the shapes in the room.
Expensive furniture. A soft bed. Thick carpets.
Nothing has changed.
The thought surfaced without warning.
It feels like everyone is just pretending to have changed.
Even me.
From the day I blew my head off with that revolver in front of Levina until now.
The cold imprint of the gun still seems to linger against my palm.
After that, I hanged myself.
I did it thinking this time would be different, that it had to be different. Endings and all that—I just felt like dying would somehow fix everything.
I thought maybe it would send me back where I belonged.
Though the moment the rope went taut, I changed my mind on that count.
I was the one who hadn't changed.
The sum total of my actions was dying. That was it.
Even that was less a choice and more just getting shoved around until I wound up dead.
It was the same when I followed Estelle around.
At her side, I breathed her cigarette smoke and listened to the things she said.
Because it was comfortable being next to her.
It was so much easier to let someone else lead than to decide anything myself and carry the weight of it.
Since becoming 'Ravin,' the moments of genuine happiness feel few and far between.
When Serepina accepted my letter for the first time.
Before she threw it away like garbage, anyway.
When Levina let slip something like, At least you're making an effort.
Back then, hearing those words actually made me think I could change something.
That was when I was still brimming with baseless confidence—that I knew everything, that this was the world I knew, and if I just acted accordingly, everything would go perfectly.
And when I walked barefoot along the forest path of the annex with Rineta, went into the village to eat the rustic meal the old woman made, and played in the river.
I was happy then. I know I was.
I could just live out a peaceful, ordinary day without a single worry.
That was enough.
But I ruined even that.
Because I wanted to be happy, so I reached out to her.
I don't know if everyone next to me ends up like this, or if I'm just drawn to people who do. Not that the distinction matters much.
If I'd never shown up at that annex.
If Levina had never sent Rineta to me.
She'd have been an ordinary maid, living happily on a modest salary.
Meeting Kyle now and then for idle chatter, dreaming of one day visiting the capital.
I took everything from Rineta.
Her family. Her home. Her ordinary days.
I took plenty and gave nothing back.
Not one single thing.
I rose slowly.
My steps carried me toward the table.
The revolver I had left there sat waiting.
I picked it up.
The solid weight of the metal filled my hand.
I brought the barrel to my mouth, slow and deliberate.
The bitter tang of steel touched my tongue.
In that instant, Rineta's voice brushed past my ear.
'I can't go anywhere, Young Master.
Ravin, neither of us can go anywhere.'
I eased the revolver back out of my mouth.
The strength left my fingers, and the gun fell to the floor.
A dull thud rang through the room.
It wouldn't matter. I'd just come right back anyway.
I can't even run.
The same room. Serepina coming to find me just the same. My sister coming just the same.
And me, looking like I'll end up dead no matter what I do.
'I want to be loved.'
The thought surfaced, unbidden.
Not the kind of love I had to earn—by doing something, by dying, by changing.
Just... from the start.
Even if I did nothing. Even while I was still the worthless wreck called 'Ravin.' I wanted to be loved.
Because I hadn't done anything wrong.
If I changed even a little, improved even a little, just showed a little effort, I wanted praise for it—to be told I was remarkable.
The fact that something only changes once I'm dead is miserable.
The eyes that only look back after I'm gone—they terrify me.
It feels like proof that I'm the sort of vermin who's only worth a single glance once he's dead.
I sank to the floor and stared at the liquor bottles stacked in the corner.
Levina had left them there.
Every single one expensive and rare.
I grabbed one.
I uncorked it and drank straight from the bottle.
Harsh alcohol seared down my throat.
Bitter, sweet—an unfamiliar fragrance stabbed at my nose.
Tears ran down my face.
I couldn't tell if it was the drink or something else.
Only the hot trail sliding down my cheeks felt real.
A soft knock.
I don't know how much time passed before Levina came.
"Ravin... this wasn't what I had in mind when I brought those."
She said something, but the words barely registered.
Her voice was muffled, like hearing it from underwater.
She found me collapsed on the floor, drunk, and walked over without another word.
She stood in front of me, looking down for a long moment.
I couldn't read the expression on Levina's face, but her cheeks seemed terribly flushed.
She bent down slowly and wrapped her arms tight around me.
Her body always gave the impression of towering over everything, but it felt smaller and more fragile than I'd imagined.
Even with Levina holding me, I registered no warmth.
I couldn't feel her heartbeat or her breath.
"It's all right now, Ravin. I'm here."
Levina whispered.
Her voice still sounded distant.
Her arms squeezed tighter.
It was hard to breathe.
She propped me up and laid me on the bed.
The hands that pulled the blanket over me were unnervingly tender.
Levina stroked my hair softly.
Then, after a brief hesitation, she pressed a light kiss to my forehead.
The chill of her lips felt alien.
She sat quietly in the chair beside the bed, as if intent on staying until I fell asleep.
Moonlight through the window fell across her profile.
It was a face anyone would call beautiful, but I didn't want to look at it.
How long did I sleep?
When I opened my eyes, Levina was still in the chair.
She hadn't noticed I was awake; she was gazing out at the pale dawn beyond the window.
Her profile looked worn.
Her usually rigid posture was slightly slack.
"...Levina."
I called her name, voice thick.
She turned to me, her eyes half-lidded.
"Should I bring you something to drink?"
She rose and laid a hand against my forehead.
Her cold palm met my skin.
"Have you sobered up a bit?"
"Seems like it."
I pushed myself upright.
Levina supported my back.
"Aren't you hungry? I could fetch you something. A warm soup, perhaps."
"I'm fine."
I pushed her hand away.
A flicker of disappointment crossed Levina's face, but she smoothed it back into her customary blank mask.
"Why did you do it?"
She asked, voice low.
"Do what."
"Why you drank like that."
I didn't answer.
Levina let out a sigh.
"Did that maid say some nonsense to you?"
I shook my head.
"Then why."
"I just... felt suffocated."
At my words, Levina's expression hardened.
"Get out now. I want to be alone."
"So you can do what? What if you go out and run into Mother again?"
"I won't do anything."
She sat down right beside me, close.
And took my hand.
Her cold fingers wrapped around mine.
"Ravin, just trust me. Don't trust anyone else.
Everyone around you—your former fiancée, even the maid—they're all just trying to use you.
I'm the only one who can be on your side, without asking for anything in return."
Her eyes fixed on me with relentless intensity.
"So stay by my side. Don't think about going anywhere else.
If you do that, everything will be fine."