Vestige (22)
The world felt wrong.
I'd spent so long surrounded by the abnormal and the irregular that I could no longer gauge what it meant to live a normal life.
Maybe that was why the front lines against the demons felt comfortable.
It was a place where ordinary humans became twisted, warping into something that felt almost normal to me.
There were still ordinary people, but the ones who'd cast off their ordinariness seemed to far outnumber them.
A few days ago, one of the female knights who sticks close to Kyle—stress must have gotten to her—butchered a soldier who'd said something lewd to her.
Right out in the open, in front of a crowd.
She volunteered for this. The soldier was likely conscripted. A flogging or three days without food would've satisfied everyone.
Unsurprisingly, the commoners' attitude toward us these days was less than warm.
Not that their mood made a scrap of difference compared to when it had been better.
Even at this stage, where we slept and what we ate were worlds apart.
I didn't really know how the soldiers lived.
No one did, probably, except Kyle and his entourage.
High-ranking people don't tend to fuss over convenient meat shields.
Rumors had started spreading that every wave of refugees drew more than double the demons, and with each passing day more soldiers deserted, saying they'd spend their last days with family. Not a day passed without a brawl.
None of it concerned me.
"Ra... Ravin."
Serepina had been stealing glances at me. She spoke up.
"I got lucky and found cake ingredients, and I asked a soldier who used to work at a b-bakery to bake one... do you want to share...?"
"Yeah, I'd like that. Cake sounds good."
At that, Serepina's face brightened.
"R-right? You've seemed so, so drained lately, so I worked hard on this!"
She stepped out briefly and returned carrying a rough-looking cake on a round tray.
The same Serepina who once would've panicked over how to eat this much was now staring at it with her mouth practically watering.
I almost felt like I was stealing her share.
No cream or fruit on top, but compared to the dry bread we had to force down with stew every day, it was leagues better.
No knives or serving plates, so we just tore off chunks with forks and shared what we could. It felt absurdly pleasant.
The taste was sweet, soft, lingering on the tongue.
"By the way, I heard the Saintess and the Family Head fought over you a few days ago... is that true?"
Serepina asked, chewing her cake.
"They weren't fighting over me."
"Then?"
"Neither of them's exactly stable.
I got caught in the middle trying to calm things down. The rumor must've spread from that."
"......Really? I think I know why the Saintess fought with the Family Head, though.
Because I know how that woman—so unlike any real Saintess—thinks about you."
"You think you know?"
"Levina doesn't look at you like a normal person.
I don't know quite how to put it... it just unsettles me sometimes.
In some ways... it honestly bothers me more than the Saintess."
Serepina's face clouded.
Did Levina from their childhood remain a bad memory for her, too?
"Well, she wasn't normal even when we were young, so I've sort of... accepted it."
That tracked. Serepina had endured plenty of borderline abuse from Levina back then.
Small wonder she disliked her.
We'd been passing the time eating that rough cake when someone knocked.
Knock, knock.
A moment later, the door opened and someone entered.
Kyle.
"A knock isn't a notice that you're coming in. It's asking permission to enter."
"Guess I wasn't raised right."
Kyle's face was heavy with exhaustion.
"Get out. Can't you see we're busy?"
I set down my fork beside the half-eaten cake.
Kyle ignored me and stated his business.
"I need you right now."
I started to rise. Kyle spoke again.
"Not you. Serepina."
"At least tell her why."
Serepina looked at Kyle.
"......The demons that withdrew last time are back. Three times as many."
"And it had to be now?
Or maybe you dismissed the refugees' talk, ignored the terrified, uneducated commoners and their nonsense—and only believed it once it was staring you in the face."
"We're debating whether to retreat or hold the line. Stop wasting time and come.
His Highness has spoken."
Kyle addressed only her.
"Is Serepina really that crucial?"
"Without her, it wouldn't be strange if we lost at any moment."
A smile spread across my face.
"If losing one person means losing a battle, maybe you deserve to lose."
Kyle just stared at me, silent.
I grabbed the hem of Serepina's clothes as she tried to stand and pulled her back down.
"Forget the meeting. Finish the cake with me. You went through a lot to get these ingredients."
"Ra-Ravin. Even so......."
I cut her off, leaned closer, and wrapped my arms around her so she couldn't get up.
"We barely repelled them last time. Think we can do it now?
We've lost people, and the demons are three times stronger."
I picked up a small piece of cake from my fork and placed it in her mouth.
"How many more times do you think we'll get to eat this? Unless the demons retreat, hmm?"
Serepina hadn't finished chewing, but I kept feeding her, forkful after forkful.
She ate everything I gave her. There was a certain satisfaction in feeding her.
"Everyone's going to die soon anyway. Spend the end with someone you love. You too."
I spoke to Kyle.
Kyle only sighed—a faint, breathless sound. No outburst, no irritation.
Was he too numb, or just holding it in?
Serepina's cheeks bulged each time I pushed another piece of cake into her mouth.
Her face had flushed somehow.
She gently pried herself free of my embrace and stood.
She tried to speak, gulped down the mouthful of cake, and pounded her chest a couple of times, as if it had stuck in her throat. Then she opened her mouth.
"I... I still want you to live a long time, Ravin."
"It's fine if I don't."
Serepina shook her head.
"You came all this way because I matter to you. To protect me."
No response came to mind.
Nothing I could've said would have meant much.
Denying it in that moment would've been......
Serepina followed Kyle out of the room.
A hollow feeling settled in.
I could have stopped her easily enough, but with that expression on her face and those words in my ears, letting her go was the only choice.
I couldn't separate the Serepina from before from the Serepina now.
Every time they overlapped, my mouth refused to open.
After Serepina left, I pulled a cheap cigarette from my pocket, stuck it between my lips, and lit it with a small flick of magic.
My control over spells had improved noticeably lately.
Still not powerful, but it felt like having an extra hand that moved exactly as I willed.
Levina came by around evening.
She opened the door without knocking, leaned against the frame with her arms crossed, and asked:
"You heard?"
"The demons?"
"Yes. They're swarming in, apparently."
"So what do you want to say?"
"Since we're all going to die anyway."
"......It's been a while since you said something correct."
"Has it?"
She uncrossed her arms and walked inside.
"If this line falls, Edelgard is finished. Everything I've lived through since childhood turns worthless."
She climbed slowly onto the bed.
"You haven't brought up marriage with Serepina or Estelle. You don't spend nights with them either. It's not that you've got some... reproductive defect, is it?"
"What fresh bullshit are you working up to?"
"You were afraid someone might end up pregnant, in a place like this. Because you're kind."
"Kind or not, before any of that—what the hell are you trying to say?"
"Take my hand. Hold me tight and kiss me. And spend the night with me, naked, under the same blanket."
Heat rushed to my head and behind my eyes. I pressed hard against my brow.
"Why the sudden nonsense, you insane bitch."
"There was a meeting today. High-ranking nobles, the capable fighters.
I'm nothing without the Edelgard name anyway, so I threw a wrench in things.
Said I was staying."
Levina let out a laugh, as if thoroughly amused.
"Turns out there are plenty like me. A lot of people agreed.
Half decided to stay. So half die soon, and the other half die later.
And I'll die here."
Levina removed her white blouse.
She walked over and laid her hand against my face.
"So die with me."
I gently took her hand from my cheek and turned it so her palm faced her.
Then I stubbed out the cigarette still burning between my lips against that palm.
"I've got no intention of dying together."
Because I'd be dying first.
Levina didn't flinch. She just looked at me and smiled.
The smell of scorched flesh drifted faintly through the room.
I stared blankly at the sight.
"Put your clothes on. I'll sleep beside you."
Levina held her cigarette-burned palm out to me.
"Hold my hand while we sleep. All night."
She'd said something similar, I thought, back when she was ten.
I looked at Levina again.
Nothing had changed.