First (11)

I let her drag me wherever she wanted.

Through corridors, down staircases.

The outside air was warm—a rare thing lately.

Sunlight glared, and the laughter of students reached me only as a distant murmur.

Estelle never let go of my wrist, chattering the whole time.

"Isn't the weather perfect today? Staying in your room on a day like this is a sin. A sin. Oh, but you're already a sinner, so maybe it doesn't count? Don't worry. Stick with me and run your mouth a bit, and God will forgive it all."

She laughed to herself, as if she'd just said the funniest thing in the world.

I just walked beside her.

My shadow followed me in silence.

We ended up at a small church tucked behind the academy's rear gate.

"So? Not bad, right?"

The moment the doors opened, colored light spilled down like floating dust.

Stained glass.

I narrowed my eyes.

Inside, the church was quiet and cool.

It smelled of old wood and faint incense.

At ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠moments like this, I'd remind myself again: this world was nothing but a clumsy imitation.

I'd deliberately blur my vision and tell myself it was all just slightly sharper pixels.

Being the only one buried in misery inside a beautiful, happy world felt a little too pathetic otherwise.

"Hardly anyone comes here. If they want to pray, they go to the central cathedral. Nobody bothers with a shabby little place like this. That's why I like it: it's quiet."

Estelle released my wrist and walked toward the altar with the ease of long familiarity.

Her white priestess robes stood out vividly in the dim interior.

"Sit here. Anywhere."

She patted the long bench at the very front.

I sat where she pointed.

A soft creak echoed.

"So, what do I have to do?"

"Nothing."

"Cleaning?"

"I can call some people in for that later. Just sit. Today's your first day, right?"

And with that, Estelle spent about thirty minutes simply looking at me before sending me back.

I had done absolutely nothing—exactly as she'd said.

From then on, my only task was to show up at the church every afternoon and sit beside Estelle.

She spent most of the time reading or humming to herself.

Her humming was just that: humming. No lyrics, no real melody.

Every so often, she'd talk to me.

"The academy dining hall food is honestly terrible, don't you think? Yesterday, a bug turned up in the soup. Well, I slipped it in myself, of course."

"...And?"

"She ate it. I rinsed it off a bit beforehand. The Saintess, who'd never so much as frown at her food, took one look, stirred it with her spoon, and ate it without a word."

"I didn't know she enjoyed eating bugs."

She stared at me like I'd lost my mind, then burst out laughing with a sudden pfft.

"That's what you call playing the Saintess, willing to sacrifice something just to spare the cook trouble. The most important part was that someone else saw the bug floating there."

"Eating it still ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠seems a bit much. How did it taste?"

"...Is that really what you ask at a time like this?"

On drowsy afternoons, sunlight passed through the stained glass and scattered across the floor in shards of color.

Estelle stepped on those shards of light with her bare feet, smiling brightly.

She looked less like a Saintess and more like a mischievous child.

She never brought up the Forbidden Archive.

Never asked how much I knew about her.

About two weeks passed like that, more or less.

Was it because spending time with Estelle was actually pleasant? Or was I just a coward afraid to die?

Whatever the reason, while I was with Estelle, I managed to push thoughts of dying out of my head.

Only in the mornings did Serepina still come.

As if to make sure I hadn't forgotten what the problem was.

Every time I looked at Serepina's face, the message seemed to hover just above it: [Collect the Endings. 1/?] [Reward: Return to the Original World.]

She no longer tried to talk to me.

She didn't brew coffee anymore, either.

Sometimes the cup was still full from the day before.

All she did was step inside, dust off whatever had gathered while I was gone, check that nothing was out of place, and quietly leave.

Lately, though, I'd been slipping out before she arrived, so I hadn't seen her silently close the door behind her in a while.

I heard her moving around.

The sound of a dry cloth brushing across furniture. Her careful footsteps.

I got up from bed, pulled on some clothes, and was about to head out when I heard her voice for the first time in a long while.

"Every day. Where do you go?"

A question from her, after all this time.

Her voice carried a small tremor.

"The church."

I answered without looking back.

"...The church?"

"Discipline. A punishment."

I shoved my feet into my shoes.

I could feel her gaze driving into my back like a nail.

"What kind of punishment?"

"Community service... or something. I don't really know."

"...What does the service involve? They're not making you do any strange labor, are they?"

There was no tremor in her voice now—just a faint, uneasy flicker.

It's none of your business.

I swallowed the words that had risen to my throat.

Instead, I tossed her a meaningless fact.

"I just spend some time with the Saintess and come back. That's all."

"Lady Estelle...?"

Her voice pitched slightly higher.

"How? What happened?"

"Why does it matter? You've already broken off the engagement. Now you want to act like before?"

I put my hand on the door handle.

I didn't want this conversation to go any further.

"The broken engagement—!"

Serepina tried to speak but her words caught. She inhaled sharply, then exhaled.

I opened the door.

"Ravin."

Her voice stabbed me in the back.

I stopped walking but didn't turn around.

"Why... why won't you say anything...?"

Her voice began to thin out.

She'd be biting her lower lip.

An old habit of hers.

We both knew perfectly well why we said nothing to each other.

We were childhood friends.

We'd watched each other since we were children—far too long.

And because of that, I did turn around. I looked at her and spoke quietly.

"You know, Serepina."

"Nnh. S-sorry. I won't ask. I—I just... be careful! Ah, and... tell me if it gets hard."

I stepped into the hallway without replying.

Just before the door closed, I glanced through the narrowing gap.

Serepina stood frozen on the spot where I'd been.

I couldn't make out the expression on her face.

I didn't want to.

When I arrived at the church, Estelle was in front of the altar, her eyes closed.

She didn't look like she was praying.

It was more like she was deep in thought.

She opened her eyes slowly at the sound of me sitting down.

"You're here."

"Yeah."

"Your face looks even more wrecked than usual. Did you fight with your fiancée or something?"

She asked it casually.

She pulled a cigarette from her robes, stuck it between her lips, lit it, and then placed it in my mouth.

Then she took one out for herself, lit it, and drew on it right away.

Smoke began to curl through the small church.

"Ex-fiancée, actually. Do you know Serepina?"

"No, we've never spoken. But she's become pretty famous lately. Almost as famous as you."

"Famous?"

"You wouldn't know since you have zero friends. Heh. She broke off the engagement, but she still gets dragged around because something's being held over her. Ex-fiancé, umm... I'm being too polite, aren't I?"

Estelle stood up, came over, and sat beside me with a sly grin, like she was about to tease me.

"The story going around is that she's a poor woman caught by a human piece of trash who makes her do unspeakable things every night."

She clapped her hands together and laughed.

Her red eyes curved into crescents.

"...That's a bit of a problem."

"Well, if it were true it'd be funny. But looking at the state of you, it doesn't seem like it is. Want a peach? I brought them from the cathedral."

She crushed her cigarette out carelessly on the altar, then pulled two peaches from her robes and tossed one to me.

"They're stolen from the archbishop's room—that old fool—but I'm sure God will understand. The Saintess was a little hungry, you see."

I caught it reflexively.

The soft fuzz on its skin tickled my palm.

"I didn't know God was that generous."

"Well, I curse inside my head every single day and not a single lightning bolt's hit me yet. So maybe He's pretty generous after all."

Estelle took a large bite of her peach.

Juice dripped down the corner of her mouth.

I watched her.

A face that always looked happy.

A laugh that never seemed to carry a single worry.

I couldn't understand it.

"Estelle."

"Hm."

"Why are you being so good to me?"

The question slipped out before I even realized I was going to ask it.

Estelle stopped laughing and tilted her head.

"What do you mean?"

"Why are you being good to me?"

For a moment, the church sank into total silence.

The face Estelle wore when her smile vanished was an unfamiliar one.

She stared at me quietly.

The playfulness had left her crimson eyes.

"You're handsome."

It sounded like a joke.

"..."

"Ha. You actually believed that. Well—it's not entirely empty flattery."

Estelle sighed and leaned back against the pew.

"Do you really want to hear it?"

"If you don't want to tell me, then don't. I'm not dying of curiosity."

"No, I'll tell you. You don't have anyone else to talk to about it anyway. Actually, it's probably more like no one would believe you even if you did say something. Anyway."

Her gaze drifted toward the carved figure above the altar.

"I had a little brother. Two years younger than me. If he'd grown up, he would've been way better-looking than you. He'd have taken after me, after all."

Her voice was bone dry.

"I must have been twelve then. He got sick out of nowhere. We took him to a priest, but those sons ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠of bitches just told us to bring more money. We weren't poor, but we weren't exactly well-off either. Ah—back then, I wasn't the Saintess."

Light filtered through the stained glass fell across her face.

I couldn't see her expression.

"Anyway, you're probably too highborn to know, but it's a pretty predictable, dime-a-dozen story. He just... died. Just like that. Holding my hand. Saying it hurt. Telling me he was jealous that I got to keep living."

Estelle placed her half-eaten peach on the altar and let out a hollow laugh.

"You remind me of him."

Her hand touched my cheek.

Cold.

"I shouldn't have asked you. You're nothing like him, after all."

Strangely, I didn't feel like shoving her away the way I had with Serepina.

"Don't come back starting tomorrow. The discipline thing... I'll handle it myself. It's hard to look at someone and see a substitute corpse once you've told them something like this."

Our eyes met.

And for the first time, I felt like I was actually locking eyes with Estelle.

The reason I'd been comfortable around her until now was probably because she'd never really been looking at me.

Even when our gazes met, she was always seeing something else.

"Ah, right. Levina said she wants to see you on Friday. Wants to return something."

I stood there watching her without offering much of a response. Just as I was about to turn my back and leave, Estelle came up and caught my sleeve.

"It might look a bit pathetic, but... drop by and talk to ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠me sometimes. I don't have any friends either."