8. The Sound of Cracking
8. The Sound of Cracking
Every time I passed through the hallway, eyes followed me at least once. Even without directly mentioning names, mine was the face that already told everyone who had beaten whom.
"Roseline."
At the voice calling from beside me, I slowed my steps a little. It was Chloe, who I'd had lunch with. Marien was right next to her as well. Both of their faces looked much more relaxed than earlier.
"Are you really okay from earlier?"
Chloe asked first.
"Yeah. Just a little bit of my sleeve got wet. I felt more sorry that I made everyone worry for nothing."
"That's not it."
Marien carefully took over the conversation.
"Something like that happening could make you feel upset. Everyone was watching."
I laughed softly.
"Maybe so. But it wasn't intentional. I didn't want to startle the person who made the mistake even more."
The two looked at me for a moment, then exchanged glances. Their expressions said that wasn't exactly the answer they'd expected.
Chloe laughed first.
"You're softer than I thought."
"Than you thought?"
"I mean."
Chloe, as if embarrassed, cleared her throat.
"The atmosphere during practice today was different, you know. So I thought you'd be the sharper type."
"I thought so too."
Marien immediately chimed in.
"Because when you held the sword, you were really scary."
At that, I couldn't help but laugh.
"Was it that much?"
"Yeah. A little."
Chloe nodded.
"Even when you faced off against Lady Arjen, your face didn't tremble at all."
"That's not true."
I answered honestly.
"I was nervous. I just tried not to show it."
"Really? It didn't look that way at all."
"Everyone says that."
I laughed, a little embarrassed.
"Actually, I was pretty flustered inside. I was just pretending I wasn't."
The two laughed at the same time. It was a much more natural laugh than before.
As the three of us went down the stairs side by side, this time Marien changed the subject first.
"Are you going to apply for the basic practical assistance class tomorrow?"
"I'm still thinking about it. After today, I feel like I might need it."
"I'm planning to take it."
Chloe said immediately.
"As soon as I entered the training ground, my legs stiffened for no reason."
"That's because you're a scaredy-cat."
Marien shot back immediately.
"Your footwork was the slowest too."
"That was me being cautious."
"A cautious person doesn't close their eyes like that before the instructor even calls their name."
"That was really just once."
The two quickly started a small squabble. About whose face showed fear first, who entered the training ground holding their back too straight, whose hands only started trembling after practice ended. It was trivial and insignificant talk.
But those words felt a bit comforting.
Because they sounded like an afternoon where nothing happened.
I listened to the two of them, interjecting briefly here and there. I answered their question about whether the Northern Territory was really that cold, and slowly replied to their query about when I first started handling a sword.
I said I'd learned the basics since childhood and hadn't completely let it go before entering the academy. After a few more exchanges like that, the atmosphere became much softer than at first.
"But why did you eat so little at lunch?"
Chloe asked casually.
"Did you have no appetite?"
I answered a beat late.
"I was a bit tired in the morning. But it's not like I barely ate—though I suppose from your perspective it might look that way."
"Then make sure to eat dinner. The dormitory bread is better than you'd think. The desserts aren't great, though."
"I can testify to that."
Chloe laughed.
"Better not expect much from the cake."
"Is it that bad?"
When I asked, they both laughed at once.
"You'll know right away once you try it."
It was a trivial conversation, but a corner of my heart loosened up a little. The discomfort that had been lingering since the morning hadn't completely vanished, but at least I wasn't clinging to it anymore.
As we were about to part ways at the bottom of the stairs, Marien suddenly slowed her steps.
"Roseline."
"Hmm?"
"I don't want to ask what happened earlier in the hallway with Lady Arjen."
Marien hesitated for a moment, then quietly added.
"But your face looked not okay."
Chloe, next to her, nodded slightly.
I looked back and forth between the two. They both had expressions like they were trying to read the room, and I almost laughed.
"Thank you for worrying."
After saying that, I added a little more gently.
"I'm fine now. I was just a bit tired."
It wasn't a lie.
The two didn't ask further. Instead, Chloe lightly tapped the back of my hand and said.
"Still, don't overdo it."
"Yeah."
"Really."
"I got it."
Only then did the two laugh and turn away.
The dormitory hallway grew quieter as evening approached.
When I entered the room, the sun had already set quite a bit. I opened the wardrobe to change my damp sleeve, then paused. The coin pouch placed on the inner shelf caught my eye.
I reached out my hand out of habit.
Its weight was lighter than before.
It wasn't strange. I'd already calculated the money I'd need when entering the academy. I'd roughly accounted for everything: textbooks, practice uniform repairs, daily necessities, tea, snacks, and the like.
'Not that I planned so sloppily that I'd get into trouble overnight...'
Still, the lightness I felt when I held it was a different matter.
I'm fine for now, so let's not think about it anymore.
Just then, there was a light knock at the door.
"Who is it?"
Before I even finished speaking, the door opened and a familiar face poked in.
"Wow. You're actually here."
It was Luca.
His brown hair was as unruly as ever, and he was holding a paper bag. The way he scanned the room as soon as he entered was so natural that I let out a sigh before I could stop myself.
"Did your other class already end?"
"Yeah. We got let out earlier today."
"That's not the issue."
I pointed toward the door.
"This is the girls' dormitory."
Luca didn't even blink.
"I know."
"Then why are you so calm about it?"
"There was no one in the hallway."
"That means you snuck in."
Only then did Luca smile a little.
"I planned to leave right away if I got caught."
"Am I supposed to find that reassuring?"
"A little?"
I was so dumbfounded that I laughed first.
"Was the knock just a formality?"
"I did knock."
"But you opened before hearing my answer."
"I planned to leave right away if you weren't here."
Luca laughed nonchalantly and held out the bag.
"Bread."
"Out of nowhere?"
"Not exactly out of nowhere. You barely ate lunch."
I took the bag. It was still a little warm.
"Thanks."
"You're accepting it obediently today. Usually you'd say I should eat it."
"I was still hesitating a bit."
"I knew it."
Luca pulled a chair by the window and sat down with a familiar motion. Even though he's of common birth, he never unnecessarily shrinks in front of me—that's because he's known me since childhood.
We grew up together in the outskirts of the Vellois territory, and he was the kid swinging a tree branch next to me when I first held a sword. When he entered the academy as a scholarship student, Luca made a bigger fuss than I did.
"So."
I asked as I opened the bread bag.
"What brings you here?"
"What brings me here? A friend came in without eating a proper lunch, so I can bring some bread."
"Your mouth doesn't match that innocent face."
"Your tone today is kind of too much."
Luca snorted a laugh.
"Your face still looked bad even after winning at the practice ground earlier."
"If you came to see that, I'll send you back right now."
"No. I came to marvel at you."
Luca raised his hand and shook it as if to say he was being wronged.
"Really. You were much more composed than I thought. If it were me, my hands would have started trembling from the moment the instructor called my name."
"Liar."
"I'm telling you."
Luca leaned against the back of the chair and stared at me intently.
"But that's not all."
"What?"
"Is something going on?"
I stopped in the middle of tearing off a piece of bread.
"Why?"
"Your face says so."
"How is it?"
"The face of someone pretending to be more fine than usual."
Those words were too accurate, so I was at a loss for a response. Seeing my reaction, Luca shrugged.
"Bingo."
"Don't make that face."
"What face?"
"The face of someone who knows everything."
"I don't know everything."
Luca wiped the smile off his face a bit.
"But when you're really fine, you don't start by steadying your breath like that."
Only then did I realize that I had been breathing shallowly for a while.
I avoided his gaze for no reason and took another bite of bread.
"It's nothing serious."
"You expect me to believe that?"
"You don't have to."
"Then tell me."
Usually I would have laughed it off, but today that request felt a bit burdensome. I glanced toward the desk. The drawer was closed. Inside it were the regular correspondence and the calculation sheet that had just arrived.
Luca followed my gaze and lowered his voice for no reason.
"Did something come from home?"
"The regular correspondence."
"Looks like it's not the good kind."
"It's not exactly good."
Just from speaking a bit longer, I strangely felt my throat go dry. Luca didn't press further. Instead, after a while, he asked carefully.
"Is it very bad?"
I couldn't answer right away.
Saying it was very bad would make me feel endlessly pathetic, but saying it was fine would be a lie. In the end, the words I chose were neither.
"It's going to get a little tight."
Luca's expression hardened very slightly.
"The remittance?"
"Yeah."
"It's not cut off, right?"
"Not yet."
Even as I answered, I oddly felt strength in my fingertips. Not yet. That phrase felt too unsettling.
Luca was silent for a while, then spoke in a quieter voice than usual.
"Then you should start by cutting down on expenses at school."
"I was thinking the same thing."
"I'll lend you any textbooks I can first."
"Luca."
"What?"
"That's fine."
"Why again?"
Luca immediately frowned.
"Don't make that face like you're going to bear everything alone."
"It's not that face."
"It is."
The tone was light as usual when we bantered, but this time the edge was a bit hard. I folded the bread bag and placed it on my lap.
"You're not exactly well-off either."
"Still, my situation is simpler than yours."
"That's not comforting."
At that, Luca chuckled briefly.
"I didn't say it to comfort you. It's just the truth."
I ended up laughing a little. Luca didn't miss the opening and continued talking.
"Have you looked into scholarship selection?"
"Not yet."
"Then look into it. With this practice, your name would have made an impression, and if you do well until the next evaluation, there's a chance."
"Standing out too much is tiring."
"Not standing out will be more tiring."
I had nothing to say.
Luca had been like this since we were kids. He talks too much and acts crazy, but at truly important moments, he throws out words that are too accurate.
I lowered my head a little.
"I know."
"Then."
"Still."
I chose my words slowly.
"I need a little time to think."
Luca didn't respond to that right away. Instead, he leaned forward slightly in his chair.
"Roseline."
"Yeah."
"I can either wait until you tell me everything, or I can drag you out right now for a walk."
That was so Luca that I laughed.
"Neither sounds good."
"You're too harsh."
"I'm grateful, though."
"Then that's enough."
Luca eventually waved his hand.
"But don't come to some strange conclusion on your own. You know your habit. It hasn't been just once or twice that you brushed things off as fine only to end up in bigger trouble later."
"That's stories from the old days."
"That includes last winter."
"That's just you being weird for still remembering."
"You forgetting is weirder."
A few more exchanges of that bickering followed. It was very trivial back-and-forth. But even so, I felt the tension in my shoulders ease a bit compared to earlier. Luca was always like that. He couldn't keep a serious conversation going for long, yet oddly, he never missed saying what needed to be said.
After a while, he finally got up from his seat.
"Anyway, eat the bread."
"Yeah."
"Don't stare at the calculations too long tonight."
I reflexively asked back.
"How did you know I'd be looking at calculations?"
"With that face and being alone in the room, there's no way you wouldn't be."
His tone was so matter-of-fact that I couldn't even argue. Luca walked toward the door, then stopped and turned around.
"And."
"What?"
"Don't get too entangled with Lady Arjen."
For a moment, my body stiffened just a little.
"Why bring that up all of a sudden?"
"Everyone was talking about it after practice today. About you facing off, and something that seemed to happen in the hallway."
Luca furrowed his brow, his hand still on the doorknob.
"That person's no good."
"You don't even know them directly."
"Seeing from afar is enough."
"What kind of nonsense is that?"
"I can't explain it."
Luca tilted his head, then finally let out a laugh mixed with a sigh.
"I just think you'll get tired if you get involved with someone like that."
Those words were both funny and oddly unsettling.
I laughed as if brushing it off.
"I'm already a bit tired."
"Then even more so."
Luca said shortly.
"Be careful."
The door closed, and the room fell silent again.
It was the kind of silence where the words exchanged just moments before still lingered.
I sat down at the desk and only opened the drawer after a long while. I took out the regular correspondence and the calculation sheet again and spread them out.
This month's remittance may be delayed than scheduled. Recent payment schedules have overlapped somewhat. As it is the beginning of the semester, you may have many necessary expenses, but we ask that you reconsider large costs whenever possible.
The sentences were polite.
So they were all the more vivid.
On the calculation sheet, only the amount already remitted, the amount scheduled for next month, and two pending items were briefly noted. It wasn't a major catastrophe. The money isn't completely cut off this month, and it might not be an urgent situation where I have to give something up right away.
But why does it feel so ominous?
I pressed the edge of the paper with my finger.
It was a very small crack. The entire foundation hasn't collapsed yet. But cracks like this spread faster than you think once they start. Even if the outside looks fine, inside, the strength holding it together is already splitting.
I shook my head.
What mattered wasn't this paper, but whether I could go to class tomorrow with an expression that looked like nothing was wrong.
I slowly folded the calculation sheet and put it back. This time, it took a bit longer to close the drawer and take my hand away.
The room was quiet.
So quiet that Luca's parting words rang even clearer.
Don't come to some strange conclusion alone.
Be careful.
I sat on the edge of the bed and slowly steadied my breathing.
It's okay for now.
I can still hold on.
For now.
Only after repeating that to myself a few times could I turn off the light.