January 1st
It was a little over a week after the Dimensional Gate opened when Seoyun came to find me alone—one evening, out of the blue.
The first week of our probation had just ended, and the newcomers were finally starting to settle into the rhythm of the guild.
Training was over for the day, and most of the members had already drifted off toward the cafeteria.
"Teacher."
I looked up.
Seoyun stood at the entrance to the training yard, still in her workout clothes.
"...Seoyun. What is it? Weren't you supposed to get dinner with your group?"
"Can we talk for a minute?"
I hung the wooden sword I was holding on the equipment rack.
"Were you waiting for me? What's going on. If something's been hard during your probation—"
"It's not that."
Seoyun walked toward me slowly.
She stopped a couple of paces away and just looked at me for a moment, her face searching for the right words to say.
"...Teacher. Your girlfriend."
My hands went still.
"The guild leader."
The training yard was quiet.
The only sound was the faint noise of laughter drifting over from the cafeteria in the distance.
I opened my mouth, then closed it again.
There was no denying it.
Anyone in the same guild was bound to find out eventually, one way or another. People kept their mouths shut around the guild leader, but it had never exactly been a secret romance.
Still, if I had told Seoyun myself—told her that the guild leader was my girlfriend—
Then she would have drawn a line between us before she'd even done anything.
Maybe I hadn't wanted to be the one to draw that line, not when I still didn't even know for certain whether she liked me at all.
"...Yeah."
Seoyun dropped her gaze to her feet, head lowered as she spoke.
"So I was the only one who didn't know. Like an idiot."
Her voice was lower than it had been a moment ago.
"I figured the other team leaders all knew, even if the newcomers didn't. And the whole time, I was just... I guess I was holding onto some stupid hope, all by myself."
"..."
"Actually."
Seoyun looked up at me.
It looked like she was trying to smile, and failing.
"Back then, when we went to the storage shed—I asked if you had a girlfriend, remember? When I saw you dodge the question... I more or less expected it, but..."
Her voice trailed off.
"I still thought, maybe..."
"Seoyun—"
"Is it because you didn't tell anyone I was your private student?"
She tilted her head up slightly to look at me as she asked.
I knew exactly what that question meant.
"What... is that supposed to mean?"
"Don't play dumb."
Seoyun's lips moved.
A smile forced into shape to hold back the tears.
"I told you before, didn't I? Next time, I wouldn't let you off the hook."
So she was telling me not to even think about wriggling out of this with some half-baked excuse.
"...It's true that I thought if I said you knew me, it would only make things harder for you."
There was no point lying to this girl anyway.
Which meant there was only one way forward.
Tell the truth. Only the truth.
And when there were multiple truths, I could simply choose the one I wanted to tell.
Seoyun said nothing for a while.
She nudged at the yard's packed dirt with the toe of her shoe, as if she were sorting something out in her head.
"She seems like a good person. The guild leader. Really beautiful."
Seoyun spoke while looking down.
"Strong, smart. Apparently she's even an Awakened. The whole guild adores her... She suits you, Teacher. Truly."
That was what she said, but something in the way she finished was sunken, deflated.
"...Thanks."
"But, Teacher."
Seoyun stopped nudging the ground with her toe.
Then she lifted her head and looked me straight in the eye.
"That thing earlier. Not revealing that I'm your private student. Was that really just because you were worried the story would spread among my group members?"
"...I told you. With my ability you'd have known it wasn't a lie. Obviously—"
"Or was it because of the guild leader?"
My fingertips went rigid at the question.
The question I least wanted to answer.
The answer even I didn't want to admit to myself.
"If a girl you used to tutor showed up as a new recruit—was it because your girlfriend would care? So you just pretended to be complete strangers?"
I couldn't answer.
I tried to say no, it's not like that, but the words wouldn't come.
Because... that was the truth closest to the heart of it.
This was a man who, back at team assignments, couldn't even bring himself to mention a female group member in front of Yerin.
How it would look if Yerin found out Seoyun had been my private student—that thought had absolutely been sitting in some corner of my head.
Seoyun took my silence as her answer.
"...See. I was right."
She murmured it while glancing off to the side.
"You've been dodging around the truth this whole time."
Seoyun turned her head back toward me.
"Fairness, or whatever else you called it. It's not entirely wrong, but it's not the real reason either. Your real reason is... your girlfriend. Isn't it."
There was no denying it.
The moment I tried, she'd see straight through me.
Chances were that even this conversation was her checking, and checking again.
Seoyun lowered her head briefly.
She nudged the ground with her toe one more time.
Then she opened her mouth in a slightly different voice.
"I'm jealous of the guild leader..."
"..."
"The truth is, I don't have a boyfriend."
For a second, I couldn't process the words.
"...What?"
"Jaehyuk told you about me too, right?"
She didn't seem to be waiting for an answer.
She'd already moved on to picking her next words before the question left her mouth.
"The boyfriend thing. It was a lie."
The corner of Seoyun's mouth lifted, just barely.
As if my answer were unnecessary, she kept going.
"It was just easier that way. That's what you say to people you've just met. If you mention a boyfriend, everyone keeps a polite distance."
She said it like it was nothing, fidgeting with the rolled-up sleeve of her training top clutched in her hand.
"But having that follow me all the way to you, of all people, because of Jaehyuk—it annoyed me. So I just... wanted to correct it."
I couldn't say a word.
I wasn't dense enough to miss what this meant.
That she'd come to me—me, specifically—to tell me she didn't have a boyfriend.
Overlapped with what I'd overheard behind that wall.
The person she'd fallen for since coming here.
Someone Jaehyuk knew about too.
The person Jaehyuk had told to treat well, because he wasn't a bad guy.
I'd suspected, that very day, that it might be me.
But now that Seoyun was standing in front of me saying it out loud, suspicion hardened into fact, and I could barely breathe.
"...Seoyun."
"Yes."
"Why are you telling me this."
I regretted it the moment I asked.
Too blunt. Was that too blunt?
Seoyun stared at me for a long time, lips pressed together.
Then her eyes drifted to a bare stretch of wall at the edge of the yard, and she let the words slip out like she was talking to herself.
"...You really haven't changed at all, Teacher."
"...What?"
"You were like this four years ago, too. No matter how obvious I made it, you'd always play dumb and ask me back like that."
Seoyun lifted her chin slightly.
"To be honest, Teacher—I thought about you. A lot, all this time. Even after you cut contact out of nowhere. Whether something had happened to you. Whether you were doing okay somewhere. Things like that."
"......"
"And meanwhile, you."
Her voice cracked somewhere along the way.
"You came here and you were doing just fine. You even got a girlfriend. Someone strong, and beautiful, and brilliant."
Those last words dug into a corner of my chest.
It wasn't an accusation.
It was just calm—the calm of someone who felt like four years of her life had been thrown away for nothing.
And that was exactly why it hurt so much.
"...Seoyun. I—"
"I know."
Seoyun cut me off.
"I know what you're about to say. You have a girlfriend, so you're sorry. You can't accept my feelings. That's it, isn't it."
Her voice trembled at the edges.
"You can't even bring yourself to lie, so I'm not going to force myself to hear it. Because if I do, it's really over."
The words died in my throat.
Because that was exactly what I'd been about to say.
I have Yerin. So I can't accept how you feel. I'm sorry.
She'd read that obvious, cruel little speech before I could even say it, and blocked it at the door.
"Don't worry. I'm not planning to cling to you or anything."
Her voice snapped off right there.
She blinked hard, trying to hold it in, but it wasn't working, and Seoyun jerked her head away in a hurry.
I saw a single line of moisture run down the cheek she turned from me.
"...God, what is wrong with me. I didn't even come here to say all this today. I just... wanted to clear up that one thing. That I don't have a boyfriend. Just that. But then I saw you and—"
Seoyun scrubbed roughly at her eyes with the back of her hand.
"This isn't why I came."
"...Seoyun."
Through tears that flowed harder the more she wiped at them, she forced the words out.
"It's fine."
Her voice was soaked.
"So. It's done now."
Seoyun raised her head.
The voice that had been cracking moments ago was pressed down flat, sealed over in a single layer.
"You're a man who belongs to someone else, and I've cleared up my misunderstanding. Clean and tidy, right?"
Having said that, Seoyun went quiet for a moment.
She seemed to weigh what else to say—and in the end, she pulled out the words that could cut me deepest.
"I'll look around at other people too. So you don't have to feel awkward around me."
Those words drove straight into my sternum.
This... this actually hurt. A lot. More than I'd expected.
"...Other people?"
"Yes. Whatever I do, you're not going to accept it anyway. And who knows—maybe I'll be living here for years, or the rest of my life. I can't spend it all holding onto someone from the past."
She said it breezily, but her eyes were still red.
Those red-rimmed eyes were betraying every word coming out of her mouth.
"And as it happens, there's someone surprisingly decent right next to me."
I didn't need to ask who that decent someone was.
The laughter I'd heard from beyond the wall.
Jaehyuk's hands, earnestly correcting her posture.
He's not as bad a guy as he looks.
Don't. The word climbed all the way up to my throat.
But I couldn't say it. On what grounds?
I was the one who had just rejected her feelings—so quietly she could barely hear it.
And now I was going to tell her not to look at anyone else? That would have been insane.
"...Right."
It was all I could squeeze out.
"Good thinking."
And then I couldn't believe those words had actually come out of my own mouth.
Seoyun looked straight at me.
For a moment—just a moment—her eyes wavered.
Like someone waiting for a single word. One word. Anything to hold her back.
But I said nothing.
In a place where every mouth spat nothing but lies, I couldn't bring myself to speak the truth either.
"You really... are terrible at lying."
Seoyun wiped her eyes with her fingertips and dragged the corners of her mouth upward.
It was a forced smile, but this time something had drained out of it—there was nothing left in it to hold onto.
"I'll get going, Teacher."
I couldn't reach for her as she turned away.
She was someone I wasn't allowed to hold back.
From the very next day, Seoyun changed in a way I couldn't quite put my finger on.
More precisely—her attitude toward Jaehyuk changed.
The first time I noticed was during morning training.
I was crossing the yard when laughter drifted over from Jaehyuk's group, and my eyes went there without thinking.
Seoyun was standing pressed up right beside him.
The girl who'd put up a wall just days ago was now the one closing the distance first.
They were too far away for me to hear what they were saying.
...I could have heard it. If I'd wanted to.
That's exactly what I shouldn't be doing.
But this time, my fingertips moved on their own.
Hearing-enhancement magic settled over me, and sound came rushing in.
"...And that's when you broke through on your own, Oppa? All by yourself?"
It was Seoyun's voice.
Dripping with admiration—so much of it it bordered on overdone.
"Yeah. Well, it was nothing, really."
Jaehyuk slung an arm behind his neck, preening.
His usual schtick, but somehow he looked even more pumped up than usual.
"Wow... this time it's actually real, huh. You really are something. Way more than I gave you credit for."
When Seoyun smiled and rested a hand on his arm, Jaehyuk cleared his throat.
You could see how thrilled he was even from behind.
The instant I released the spell, the sound faded back into the distance.
Back to a range where only the murmur of laughter reached me.
I stood frozen in place for a long time.
The girl who'd built fortifications on day one was now shooting him coy, laughing looks.
I couldn't make sense of it at all.
Reading people was her ability, not mine.
And that unreadability was driving me out of my mind.
I had made it this way.
I was the one who'd lied and said good thinking.
But what really put me through the wringer came that evening, in the guild lounge.
Jaehyuk, halfway through a coffee, spotted me and sauntered over like he always did.
"Yo, Hajun. Your group members falling in line okay?"
"...Two of them already transferred out to Settler tracks. The last one—hard to say."
Apparently my answer was too short, because Jaehyuk dropped into the seat beside me and leaned in close.
"By the way, what's with you drinking coffee all of a sudden? You're the guy who always nags everyone about rationing the beans because they're precious."
"...Just. Changing my mood, I guess."
"Changing your mood?"
Jaehyuk looked me up and down.
"Hey, what's with your face? Somebody die? What happened?"
"...Nothing."
"Sure. It's written all over you."
He studied me for a moment, then grinned like he'd decided on something.
"Ahh, fine. Guess big bro Jaehyuk's gotta cheer our Hajun up. Hey, this is just between you and me."
"...What is it."
"You know Seoyun, in my group?"
That face of his, practically itching to talk.
The expression of a man dying to brag about something again.
Jaehyuk grinned and lowered his voice.
"I did her last night."
The hand lifting my coffee froze midair.
"...What?"
"What, can't believe it?"
Jaehyuk cocked a sly eyebrow at me.
"Ah, I was a little surprised too. She had that ice wall up forever, and then yesterday after training she went out somewhere and came back with this totally different vibe. So I tested the waters a little, and—huh? She didn't pull away. If anything she was the one getting more—"
"...Don't be disgusting."
Seriously. Don't.
"I'm serious! Hear me out to the end. I'm only telling you because it's you, and here's the funny part—"
Jaehyuk rattled on, all worked up.
"She told me before, right? That she had someone she liked. But apparently it didn't work out with the guy. Got dumped, I guess. And wow, how high do your standards have to be to dump a girl like Seoyun? Anyway, sounds like that's why she gave up on him. See? What did I always say. Everyone comes around eventually when they're lonely."
Someone she liked.
It hadn't worked out.
Those two phrases kept rewinding in my ears.
Suddenly I couldn't taste the coffee at all.
"So I comforted her a little, and she's leaning all over me? And when I casually touched her a bit, she started moving like she wanted more, so I just went with it. We did it a few more times after that too, but it kept getting too late, and I figured walking in together might give her group members the wrong idea, so I stayed out last night—remember?"
Jaehyuk snickered.
"Man, and she surprised me, honestly. They say the quiet ones are the worst—she was begging me to choke her while she was hitting m—"
"Shut up."
My voice came out louder than I intended.
Jaehyuk flinched and looked at me.
"...What's wrong with you today? Seriously, did something happen?"
That was close.
I'd shown too much.
I took one slow breath and forced my voice down.
"Jaehyuk... she's a recruit who's been here two weeks. She's still on probation. Yerin specifically warned you, of all people, that a team leader can't put hands on group members like that. If it starts circulating among the other newcomers, discipline across the whole team falls apart... I'll act like I didn't hear any of this today."
I'll act like I didn't hear it.
"Ah. That."
Jaehyuk scratched the back of his head awkwardly.
"I mean, fair. Team leader fooling around with a group member does look bad. You were this strict back with Sooyeon last year too, huh. Tighter than you look."
"...It's not about being strict, it's just basic. Rein it in. I'll make sure it doesn't reach Yerin's ears, so knock it off."
"Yeah, yeah. Quiet, got it. God, this is more of a headache than the Sooyeon thing ever was."
Jaehyuk picked his coffee back up, still smirking.
"Quitting entirely though... I dunno. Seoyun's a total masochist and her appetite is no joke. When a girl like that's offering herself up first, how am I supposed to say no? Won't be like you and Yerin or anything, but hey, no other girl's going to catch your eye for a while anyway, so don't worry about me. I won't cause trouble."
With that, Jaehyuk strolled out of the lounge on spring-loaded feet.
I stayed in my seat, fighting to calm a heart that was pounding out of control.
Was it true? Had the two of them actually become that?
Or—like always—was it just Jaehyuk running his mouth?
This bastard had been claiming he'd done things he'd never done since the old days.
It had to be bluster. Definitely bluster.
It wasn't the first time Jaehyuk had shot off his mouth like this, and Seoyun wasn't that kind of girl.
...It's not true.
It's a lie.
One day? One day after I said what I said?
But what if it was real.
The coffee cup in my hand trembled, faintly.
Jaehyuk's words wouldn't leave my head.
Words I couldn't even verify as true or false.
Words that, because I couldn't verify them, felt like they might drive me insane.