Chapter 91
Chapter 91
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Translator: MadScientist
Chapter: 91
Chapter Title: Sophomore Jinx (10)
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Ermina stared up at the ceiling, brimming with tension. Unlike Karin, who was snoring away without a care, the presence of Julius quietly closing his eyes beside her kept her from drifting off to sleep.
Surprisingly, even Reimi seemed to have fallen asleep quickly, which meant she was the only one left agonizing, unable to sleep.
In the end, she found herself wide awake alone in the night, so she got up as quietly as possible, unlocked the cafe door, and stepped outside.
The desert night had cooled dramatically, turning the early dawn quite refreshing. Since it wasn't the most comfortable bedding anyway, she stretched her slightly stiff body and sat down on the stone pavement in front of the cafe with a sigh.
She'd mustered up the courage to ask if they could drop the formalities, but his blatantly uncomfortable reaction made her swallow back tears inwardly.
This was no easy feat. Was she truly doomed to never bridge that gap, no matter what?
Lost in a bone-deep melancholy, she hugged her knees and counted the stars visible in the clear sky when she heard footsteps approaching from behind.
"Hard to fall asleep, isn't it?"
"...Yeah."
Just hearing his voice made her heart tremble, so she couldn't bring herself to turn around and instead buried her face in her knees.
She'd come out here because even the thought of him seeing her lying there with her eyes closed felt embarrassing, but now that he was right beside her again, it only made her feel burdened for no reason.
He plopped down casually in the spot next to her, dressed in the comfortable clothes he'd worn before covering up with the blanket earlier.
Unlike his usual impeccably neat attire, the slightly loose casual outfit made the physical distance between them feel even closer, causing Ermina to curl up even tighter.
Julius gave a wry smile at the sight and pressed one of the glasses of cold water he'd brought against Ermina's cheek.
She flinched at the cold sensation and lifted her head, at which point Julius spoke.
"Here, take it. The weather's cool now, but lying in there was still sweaty enough."
"Thank you. Um, but..."
"Yes?"
"It's really late, and coming from someone who messed up, this might be too embarrassing to say, but... is there no chance for me?"
"...Yeah. Honestly, I haven't sorted out my own feelings either, so I don't know."
His response was more reserved than she'd expected, so Ermina snapped her head up and looked at Julius. She'd assumed he'd flatly refuse without question.
"When it comes to romance or marriage, I tend to look at the long term. There are so many issues to resolve and things to do. By the time some time passes, certain events become things we can laugh off or fade from memory, so who knows what'll happen."
"I... see."
"I have no intention of ever returning home, but the world doesn't always bend to my will, so who knows. Thinking that way makes the rest of my life feel long sometimes, but other parts seem pointless."
"We're still in our twenties, after all."
"Haha. Well, in our line of work, surrounded by dangers everywhere, even twenties don't guarantee you won't kick the bucket anytime."
Come to think of it, plenty of young knights and soldiers must have died back in Lebedev.
He would have fought alongside them in battles, so it was natural for him to think that way... Still, unrelated to that, a strange emptiness settled in.
"You never know with people. I tell myself I don't want to leave any regrets in every moment, but looking back, I've piled them up sky-high."
"...It might be selfish, but I'm glad I got to see you again, Julius."
"That's a relief."
The expression he wore now, the subtle movements of his fingertips, even his breaths—they felt familiar yet awkward. It wasn't the poised demeanor he showed as a noble, nor the sparkling energy from the orphanage, nor the occasional decadent air he had when alone.
In a way, it was the most natural side of him, one not meant for others' eyes, and Ermina found herself lost, staring at his face.
"...There was a time I believed the world has loves you assume you'll receive naturally, and loves that aren't."
"Yes."
"Parents love their children. Teachers love their students, students respect their teachers. It seems obvious, something that should be everywhere, but that wasn't my story. On the flip side, the one who loved me without calculating gains or losses was a man with no ties to me whatsoever. I've come this far without knowing if I should grieve the absence of what should have been there or be happy for the excess."
Ermina clamped her mouth shut.
Anything she said now would miss the point entirely.
"That's why I think I've made a lot of mistakes. I'm grateful for what I've received but can't repay, sometimes I need to give without expecting anything back, and other times I've had to give my all even when I got nothing in return. Challenging things I couldn't even distinguish myself led to this mess."
"Do you feel responsible, Julius?"
"Yes. I've always been the one choosing, so I end up dwelling on the other options."
Julius gazed at the dawn sky shifting from purple to pitch black, then smiled playfully.
"What if my relationship with Rias had been rock-solid, leaving no room for you to even try?"
Ermina couldn't answer. Even then, she would have fallen for Julius, but if he'd had a close bond with a fiancée from childhood, could she have cleanly given up?
She lowered her head at the hypothetical she couldn't even fathom herself.
"Well, that's how it goes. There was a chance, I made my choice, and now I face the results."
He took a deep breath and tossed out the words casually.
"Talk about getting a report card full of unwanted grades."
"...Could I ask what it was you truly wanted, Julius?"
"Hmm."
He chuckled for a moment, then spoke in a self-deprecating tone, slower than usual.
"Everyone banding together, and if needed, me leading the charge to solve problems. Something like that?"
The word "everyone" made Ermina think. For the Julius she knew, that "everyone" undoubtedly included even Christoph.
If no faction had formed around Ermina and Julius, and they'd all handled things together, even when someone like Danil showed up at the Academy, they might have managed more smoothly, with fewer casualties.
They were all strong like Julius, and they didn't hesitate to use that strength to protect others.
"Well, they all called me amazing, exemplary, a model noble, but in the end, I'm just human. Dig into the past, and it's full of mistakes, grudges, and jealousy."
As he stretched languidly, Ermina noticed accessories on him that she hadn't seen before.
They looked like no ordinary glittering trinkets, and a question arose alongside the poignant image of him just moments ago.
"Those are new accessories, aren't they?"
"Oh, these? Last time, something came up, and while handling it with the elves, they gave me these as tokens of camaraderie."
"Oh."
Ermina's mind flashed with the strange dreams she'd been having lately.
In those dreams, she and Julius were always together, defeating powerful foes and growing stronger side by side.
If she and Julius had handled the southern elves' incident together, those bonds and memories would have been theirs.
Only then did the certainty hit her: her inability to properly sort her feelings had worn Julius out and erased so many possible futures.
She didn't want to cry, but tears started plopping from her eyes anyway.
Julius shifted with a hint of panic at her sudden outburst, but her blurred vision showed nothing.
Ah, that was it.
The issue of choices in the past that Julius had mentioned.
Looking back now, the attitude she should have shown at the Academy, the actions she should have taken, the things she should always have kept in mind.
"Hey, calm down first. No crying—let's talk."
"...I don't want to sleep."
She whined like a child to him as he pulled out a handkerchief to wipe her tears. It was Ermina's intuition. If she fell asleep tonight, right now, she would definitely dream that dream again.
Not the Julius she loved, but herself alongside that slightly different Julius.
So she didn't want to sleep.
If she saw that dream in this mood, she felt like she'd be lost in it for a long while.
The sky remained dark, and the high-hanging stars showed no sign of hiding behind the sun's light, twinkling steadfastly in their places.
"...Was there a future where we could have laughed together at the Academy?"
"Tough one. If a ton of coincidences and our choices aligned perfectly, maybe—not impossible."
He was right.
Of course it would have been difficult, narrow, and rugged path.
Even so, just the thought that such a future might have been possible made Ermina's body tremble.
A sleepless night.
A man sitting beside her for her sake, one she loved but who didn't love her back.
The passing night felt endlessly long, yet the time with him seemed far too short.