Chapter 77
Chapter 77
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Translator: MadScientist
Chapter: 77
Chapter Title: Even If I Cry, I Won't Fall (5)
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Rias was sitting on the sofa in the professors' lounge, uncharacteristically biting her nails. Until now, she had lived her life looking utterly confident on the surface, but she always shrank in front of her own family or the Lebedev Duke.
It was only natural.
She hadn't lived recklessly all this time without knowing she was in the wrong.
She looked down at her right thumb's neatly manicured nail, now a mess, and lowered her hand. But unable to leave her trembling fingers alone, she brought it back to her mouth.
In the end, after chewing it down, she stared at the piece that had completely come off with shaky eyes. Then, startled by the sound of the door opening, she hurriedly hid it in her pocket.
Looking toward the open door, there stood her fiancé, whom she hadn't seen even once in a long while.
She swallowed the tears that had nearly spilled out and greeted him as if nothing was wrong.
"Long time no see."
**
My mood was foul.
It sounded like something a high-and-mighty person would say, but it perfectly described my current situation.
I still had a meeting with the academy's bigwigs ahead, but even more than that, the thought of facing Rias made my chest tighten.
No matter how much trouble she caused, seeing her every day made it feel routine. But after not seeing her for about a year, trying to face her again felt downright dreadful.
Still, since Professor Selene had arranged this, I showed up. But it wasn't without reason that my chest felt stuffy and my stomach churned.
Professor Selene had said we'd have time alone in the professors' lounge, which was basically off-limits to students. I quietly opened the door to the lounge, which was still impeccably maintained even after all this time.
Inside, I saw Rias hastily hiding something, her flustered expression plain as day as she composed herself and greeted me.
"Long time no see."
"Yeah. Long time no see."
This was my first time entering this lounge, and aside from the sofas, there were no separate chairs, so I just plopped down on the sofa across from Rias.
I tried to keep my usual expression, but seeing her so obviously tense just drew a sigh from me.
What was the point of acting like this now?
Rias reacted slightly to my sigh, twisting her lips a bit as she spoke.
"I missed you a little."
"Why."
"Huh?"
"Why did you miss me? You, about me."
I hadn't meant to snap or get irritated, but the words that slipped out were surprisingly sharp.
Of course, even if it wasn't intentional, I had no reason to apologize.
At my cutting words, Rias looked a bit taken aback, her voice growing even smaller.
"Well... I saw you every day and then I didn't."
"Seeing you didn't change anything, though."
"Still, we've known each other for nearly 15 years. We were engaged."
"Is that so? Honestly, seeing you so much made me sick of it."
"...I called you because I have something to say."
She seemed to know there was no point dragging it out and cut straight to the chase. I had no desire to prolong it either, so I didn't stop her.
Her eyes cast downward, she carefully opened her mouth, and what came out was honestly something I hadn't expected.
"If I want to go back to how things were and start over, what should I do?"
"What?"
It didn't sound like a joke. What was she even saying? Emotionally, we'd drifted apart long ago, and I'd assumed this talk would be about family matters or her self-preservation.
Why bring up something I wouldn't even listen to?
"You're not saying this thinking it could actually happen, are you? You, from the start."
"Give me a little time to explain. We've never properly talked about it before."
"...Why should I?"
"Just this once. I mean it."
The situation and people were different, but it oddly overlapped with memories from my past life. Not listening to her, rejecting her apology, not granting even one chance.
I knew it. This was just a scar, a regret—closer to a curse spanning my entire life if I had to label it.
And I knew the same thing wouldn't happen if I shut my mouth and left now.
Still, seeing Rias calmly plead with an expression I hadn't seen in nearly 10 years softened my resolve a bit.
Even if it was a lie for her own sake and her family's, it might be worth hearing out.
I winced slightly at the budding headache and nodded to Rias, who was clutching her skirt tightly in her lap.
With one condition.
"...Start with all that talk about Prince Christoph. Explain that first."
"Okay."
Rias took a moment to steady her breath, then lowered her eyes completely and spoke again.
"Do you remember when we first entered high society together?"
"When I was 8."
"Before that, I was proud of you."
That was true. From our first meeting, Rias had been confident, brimming with self-assurance, proud of her father and family, and revered her mother.
Though both ducal houses, their territories were quite a distance apart. The Calamity Duke, who held lands near the capital and strictly followed feudal principles, had his vassals divide and manage the territories under him.
In contrast, our lands bordered demonkin—racial enemies—and even vassals were mostly knights. The strongest in the territory were my father and, later, me as I grew. There was no pretext or leeway for divided rule.
Rias, initially dissatisfied with our frontier lands, changed her mind after visiting and seeing how they operated.
Calling it the most laborious, most aristocratic house.
After seeing me, the heir always drenched in blood and sweat, she openly showed her favor.
"So I thought I had to become someone worthy of you. Like how Mother was to Father. But the evaluations I got were the complete opposite."
As she said, the gossip about Rias was constant. A mage with no martial talent. Nothing outstanding—a mediocrity. If she weren't a noble's daughter or in a borderland where personal strength mattered, she'd be worthless.
I'd shut it down mercilessly whenever I heard it, reassuring her over and over that it was fine.
"I said I didn't care. I told you that plenty of times."
"I know. I know you really thought it was okay. And that you cleaned up around me for my sake. But that doesn't make it go away. I'm a duke's daughter. I can't just stand by your side like a decorative screen without any skills. I knew even then that my incompetence shamed both houses."
I started to counter but closed my mouth.
Unlike me with my past life, Rias was purely born into nobility—her fate and position demanded it. Her views on family had to differ from mine.
I understood not wanting to ride my coattails. I could even sympathize with not confiding her worries caused by her own flaws to me.
But.
"So I tried. Even hearing I had no magic talent, I pushed to improve. I didn't have your knack for drawing people, but I worked on handling friendlier ones and endured the humiliations in society. It still wasn't enough. It never was. Becoming someone not lacking by your side was impossible from the start."
"If that was your conclusion, you could've just told me."
"How could I?!"
Yeah. I get it. Bowing her head to her fiancé and begging him to fix her problems—what humiliation that would be. I didn't need to think hard to know.
But even so, I still couldn't understand approaching Christoph after her misdeeds.
"It was my fault. All my fault. But people's hearts are spiteful. The pride I felt turned into resentment. Why are you so great alone? Why do you try so hard alone? Why so outstanding that others envy and admire you? I wanted to tarnish that. If you came down from that pedestal, maybe I'd become something."
Her face twisted in misery as she covered it and continued.
"But you never got angry, not once. You just handled the messes I made. Even when I tried my best to create chances, you blocked them all, they failed, and you treated me like nothing happened. You never got mad. Not once. If you'd raged, if we'd had an ugly fight, maybe I could've poured out all my feelings."
"...So it's my fault for not getting angry?"
"No. No. You didn't do a single thing wrong. That's why I hated it so much."
Tears dripped between her fingers covering her face.
She'd never cried in front of me, not once.
"I couldn't endure it anymore, so I looked around. Someone on my level, even if lesser. Someone suitably incompetent who messed up now and then."
"...Christoph?"
"Yeah. With you around, I never truly liked him. But I thought it'd make you angry..."
Here, I realized one mistake I'd made with Rias.
'Rias will become the villain someday. I don't know when.'
'She obsessed over Christoph in the original story, so maybe here too.'
What was nonsense to Rias was, to me, something I already knew—inevitable.
So I just let our relationship go when the time came.
Without caring about her inner wish for me to hold on.
"...Yeah. If I'd demanded something from you or gotten angry and fought, things might've changed. But that doesn't mean I can forgive or accept everything you've done. It's impossible. Absurd."
"I know. So all I can do is explain and beg."
She removed her hands from her face; tears had streaked down unchecked, leaving it a total mess.
Without wiping her face or the flowing tears, she spoke in a broken voice.
"I'm sorry. Sorry for being incompetent. Sorry for not being honest. Sorry for obsessing over appearances. Sorry for lying. Sorry for troubling everyone around. You always handled things without anger, waiting—so I thought you'd stay this time too. I thought if I clung on, we'd reconcile. I took your endurance and efforts to keep your place for granted. It's all my fault. I did like you—a lot, really—but I tried to tarnish you with my petty feelings. Worthless as I am, I let pride rule. I cried every day after you left. Each day, different regrets surfaced, tormenting me in new ways, bringing fresh tears. All that's left for me is a vile temper and the image of a wretched woman."
"I..."
I hesitated too. Being honest with my emotions hurt too many people. The venom inside me stemmed from never receiving proper family love in either life.
I wavered on unleashing it raw.
But if there was truly a rift between us, and even without going back, a slightly better future was possible.
If my true feelings were what Rias needed.
"I gave up on you."
Rias went blank at my words.
Leaving her alone wasn't mercy.
"I just decided you're that kind of person. That you wouldn't listen no matter what I said. I concluded it alone. That's my fault, I guess."
Using past-life info, I'd arbitrarily judged her feelings.
Only now, hearing her out, did I understand.
In the past-life story, Julius was weak, pathetic, un-noble to Rias, so no affection. That's why she fell for Christoph, who was superior and matched her level.
But now, it was reversed: Rias felt inferior, tried her best to catch up but failed, then entrusted herself to Christoph, who matched her.
Wishing I'd rage and give her my raw emotions.
"I'm sorry."
"...Huh?"
"I should've paid more attention to you. Accepted you without prejudice. If I'd truly seen you as an equal, I should've made time to talk."
But.
"Even so, I can't agree to going back now. We both messed up, but we've gone too far."
"Really... no...?"
"I wasn't planning to return to the Lebedevs anyway. And your wrongs need forgiveness from those around you, not me. If, truly, you want a fresh start as humans, equals."
I chose my words carefully.
Honestly, straightforwardly, without misunderstanding—as she wanted.
"Pay for all your past mistakes fully, and if we cross paths again with no family, nobility, or status in the way, then let's open our hearts and talk anew."
"I have nothing left."
"I know. No self-esteem. Just malice and grit. That you can't survive without pretending to be strong. But if everything you said to me is true, then do it. Make me convinced."
As I finished and stood to leave, Rias pleaded in a whisper barely audible.
"Don't go. Stay a little longer..."
"...No."
"Please. You don't have to comfort me. Just stay by my side."
"We'll meet again when we can talk properly."
I closed the door.
Even in the soundproof lounge for professors only, her sobs reached my ears clearly.
Honestly, my legs felt weak enough to collapse, but all I had left was to discard the past and move forward.
Bearing the lingering unease, pity, faint anger, and nowhere to vent it all, I headed to face the executive board.
The summer academy was filled with the same stifling hot air as when I'd attended.
I decided to think of it that way.