Chapter 165
Chapter 165
Translator: MadScientist
Chapter: 165
Chapter Title: 14. Farther Than Love, Closer Than Friendship (13)
I couldn't tell the exact effect of the magic Chen had cast, but it seemed to influence the mind. Not keen on being manipulated for no good reason, I forcibly deployed the goddess's power around my heart and brain to ensure my safety before opening my eyes.
"...Ah."
What came into view was a street from my past life. The old commercial district around the neighborhood where I used to live.
It was a short walk from elementary school, a place perfect for grabbing snacks, so it stuck in my memory.
My adoptive family was incredibly wealthy by any financial measure, so I always had plenty of pocket money. Back when I was still getting along well with the kids around me, I'd buy snacks and share them.
"No one's acknowledging my presence..."
It was literally like playback of a video.
How much of my memory they managed to extract, and how they'd piece it together to show me, was anyone's guess. There were countless memories I personally didn't want to revisit, but some were especially damaging.
I started walking anyway.
No matter what I did, the playback didn't seem to stop, so avoiding pointless energy expenditure was key.
First, I figured heading to the most problematic place—school—would be best.
That damn bullying had made my life hell for a while.
Being out on this street made me crave a smoke, like the ones I used to bum back then. These days, tobacco's components couldn't harm my body anyway, and in a mental world, even less so.
I checked if I could buy any or pick things up. The clerk didn't register me, but I could still grab the cigarettes.
I took a pack from behind the part-time clerk at the convenience store counter and snagged a cheap lighter from the counter, lighting one up.
"Tastes just the same."
I wouldn't have known the taste of cigarettes back then, so this wasn't just a simple memory—it had to be a composite of various sensory data.
Like disassembling and reassembling every component that makes up a human soul.
I let out a long trail of smoke—something unimaginable back then—and walked to elementary school.
"Ah."
"Mr. Yulius!"
"Looks like I'm not alone in this."
So they were trapped in their own memories? But no, everyone seemed pulled into mine. Of course, I had no intention of announcing that this was my memory, so I quietly moved to a bench on the elementary school playground and sat down.
Ermina, who had been wandering confused for a while, followed and sat on the bench too.
A faint laugh escaped me at how she scooted away a bit, clearly not fond of the cigarette smell.
"Wh-what kind of world is this?"
"Well, that Chen guy's handiwork, I suppose?"
I flicked away the filter of the first cigarette with mana, pulled out another, stuck it in my mouth, and lit it.
I could light it with magic, sure, but I liked the click of the lighter, so I stuck with the cheap fluorescent plastic one.
"Th-that's... tobacco?"
"Yeah."
"I thought you didn't smoke or anything like that, Mr. Yulius."
"Just trying it out in a mental world."
"Uh... okay..."
Basic courtesy at least. I blew the smoke away from her before looking back.
She stared at me intently, sensing something off, then spoke up again.
"You're acting a bit strange right now, Mr. Yulius."
"Huh?"
"It's like... you've seen it all. Even when you were angry before, it felt different from this."
"Ermina, you're as sharp as ever."
"So, mind if I ask why?"
"It's a landscape I hate."
A barren city. Even among the moving humans, there was no vibrancy—just shades of gray.
The only colors in the emotions between people were negative ones: anger, contempt, resentment.
Surely, I was part of that too.
"...That kid's coming over there. What kind of building is that?"
"Who knows. If I had to say, maybe a school? Kids make up most of it, a few adults, plus some rudimentary sports facilities."
"For an academy, it feels... kinda bleak."
"I think so too."
School start time rolled around, and kids started flooding in. Kids getting out of cars dropped off by parents at the gate. Kids stepping off the bus at the stop. Kids emerging from the subway exit.
Even their movements, each fitting their situations, looked flat to me now.
"Ah."
"Yes?"
"Nothing."
I had spotted myself getting out of my mother's car.
Both parents worked, but Mom, whose office was nearby, would drop me off on her way.
Back then, I was grateful for it, but now I knew. It was just to show off the 'mom dropping off her kid' image to the neighbors.
I got out with my bag and blended into the crowd of kids, soon vanishing from sight.
Should I follow? Or just stay here?
"Curious about what the kids learn inside?"
"A-a little?"
"Then let's go."
I stood first and offered my hand to Ermina. She looked puzzled at first, then shyly took it and got up.
Normally, I wouldn't even think of doing this, but seeing my younger self made me want to.
If I'd treated the people around me even a little warmer.
When that bullied kid needed help, maybe someone would've stepped in for me too.
Our lives might've turned out completely different.
"Mr. Yulius."
"Yes."
"You're a good person. I don't have the words to say more."
"...I'm probably not as good as you think."
I skipped everything else and headed straight for the staff room.
Bad adults.
My biological parents who abandoned me.
My adoptive parents who left me to my own devices.
The teacher who knew about the bullying and turned a blind eye.
The principal who brushed off my suicide attempt like it was nothing, despite there being reasons for it.
A surge of disgust nearly made me punch the wall, but I held back, unsure what might happen if I caused issues in this world.
Opening the staff room door, I immediately saw that damn homeroom teacher's face.
"Professors?"
"...They teach kids, so 'teachers' might be more accurate."
"They look kinda dark. No energy."
"The kids too."
"Is that okay?"
"Whether the world is 'right' matters less than whether it's in that state or not."
No matter how much I preached justice, kindness, and love, if no one listened, the world wouldn't change.
Unless the being who's existed since the beginning vanishes, to anyone, the world is something pre-made by those who came before, already in that state from the start.
"Let's go. Nothing to see here."
Even that loathsome teacher looked so gloomy at his desk that I couldn't muster the energy to get mad.
I closed the staff room door and stepped back into the hallway.
Empty.
The kids were noisy, but it stirred no emotion in me.
I left the bewildered Ermina behind and opened the door to that classroom.
Me, hiding that I was adopted.
Me, surrounded by kids because I was the rich kid with good grades.
A meaningless scene. A tower of sand that would crumble at a nudge.
And behind it, her—quietly ignored.
"Hoo."
I knew it. Nothing would change now.
I knew my responses back then weren't the issue—the trajectory of my life was.
It wasn't something a small action could alter.
In the end, I couldn't bear to watch anymore, so I closed the door and slumped to the floor.
Class time came, and the homeroom teacher entered with the attendance book. Roll call started inside.
"What's wrong?!"
Ermina, arriving late, looked at me in panic and asked.
Unsure how to respond, I answered in a cracked voice.
"Just... stuff I don't want to see."
"Like what..."
I didn't answer further. I'd thought I'd overcome it, that I'd be fine, but no.
The past was still heavy, painful, stabbing at my lungs and heart.
"Ermina."
"Yes."
"When in your life did you feel the most empty?"
"Kinda embarrassing."
I looked up at her. Her lips trembled slightly, her face flushed—genuinely shy.
Her bowed-head response brought a small smile to my previously gloomy face.
"When you disappeared, Mr. Yulius..."
"Haha. I see. Might've been something similar."
If my endurance could save one person, plenty would gladly bear it.
But the moment they realize how long and how much pain that entails, people get fed up and leave.
That was me.
In my past life and this one, that was me.
"Ermina."
"Yes?"
"I've said your name a lot today. It's nothing. Just thinking I should try to be a better person."
I'd given up on 'overcoming the past.' All I could hope for was to be a better person today than yesterday.
So.
"Wait. Mr. Yulius. Where'd Professor Selene and Chen go?"
"Ah."
Lost in the fact that this was my memory—and having seen a past I wanted to forget—I'd completely overlooked them.
Where were those two?