I Want to Die
“……That’s how it happened.”
“I see. Thank you for your cooperation.”
The first thing Seolhyang heard upon regaining consciousness was Evan’s voice, speaking with someone. She listened blankly for a while, only fully coming to her senses when Evan finished the conversation and approached her.
“Ah, Seolhyang. You’re awake?”
“Wh-where is this……?”
“A temporary shelter set up outside the village.”
Evan answered with a gentle smile. Seolhyang frowned, unable to make sense of it.
A temporary shelter? The city had been perfectly fine right up until she fainted. What could have happened to necessitate something like this?
As if reading her confusion, Evan glanced around cautiously before speaking in a low voice.
“……There was a sudden landslide. The city was completely submerged. A man named Cyrus and his entire family were caught in it and died.”
“What are you—?”
Cyrus, killed by a landslide? That was absurd. He was a superhuman. Even if a mountain came down on him, he would have walked away unscathed.
More than that—his family had not died in any landslide. She had killed them with her own hands.
Seolhyang’s lips parted in bewilderment at Evan’s nonsensical explanation. He seemed to understand, gently stroking her hair as he spoke.
“That’s the story we’re going with. It’s not the place to go into details right now, so… later.”
“Later? When exactly……?”
“We should head back. To the city we came from.”
Evan rose and looked around. The people in the shelter wore gloomy faces over the sudden destruction of their city, though a few merchants already looked determined to turn the disaster into opportunity.
Among them was Pickerhead, the man Evan had asked the day before to prepare a carriage and supplies. When Evan approached and said he wanted to leave for the city immediately, Pickerhead seemed almost relieved and went off to fetch the carriage.
“We should be able to return without any further trouble now.”
Seolhyang turned toward Evan as he spoke so casually, and a crushing wave of guilt washed over her.
The Royal Capital.
Adventurer Guild Headquarters.
Francesca had come to headquarters for the first time in a long while over the matter of Evan’s promotion. Looking out over the conference hall that was as noisy as a marketplace, she let out a long sigh.
This is exactly the circus I left for the provinces to get away from.
As she sighed, the Guildmaster cleared his throat loudly, drawing every eye in the room.
“—Branch Master Francesca. So you are saying we should promote that boy to Highest Class adventurer?”
“I want more than that, Guildmaster. Create a new rank above Highest Class. Make him a Special Class adventurer.”
“That’s insane!”
The branch master from a neighboring city exploded at Francesca’s words.
“Promoting some unproven brat to Highest Class is already a problem, and now you want to invent an entirely new rank!? Are you trying to get yourself removed over favoritism scandals?!”
“The results that ‘brat’ has already produced surpass those of countless Upper Class adventurers. Are you saying he still needs to prove something more?”
“Then—! A Highest Class adventurer is required to carry out missions under the supervision of a headquarters inspector! Those documents you submitted could be fabrications!”
“What exactly would I gain by fabricating records? Unlike a certain someone who pads his own achievements……”
“What!? You’d better not be talking about me!”
Francesca snorted and ignored the neighboring branch master who was picking a fight. He had, in fact, inflated his own performance records before.
Trash always hated other trash the most. The reason he was throwing such a tantrum at her was simply because he was trash.
Does he think I’m the same kind of parasite who leeches off the guild?
As the two of them grew more heated, the Guildmaster cleared his throat again and stepped in to mediate.
“Certainly—Branch Master Ocean has a point. The boy has not yet been fully verified. It is possible he simply got lucky and succeeded at those missions by chance.”
“They are not the kind of missions one can complete by luck, Guildmaster.”
“Yes, I am aware. Still, better to tap the stone bridge twice before crossing. And as it happens, we have a convenient job available.”
At the word “job,” Francesca’s brow furrowed slightly. She knew exactly what that meant. They intended to work Evan a few more times while his market value was still low.
As if they had the luxury of chasing such petty gains. Whether Francesca scowled or not, the Guildmaster brought up the problem that had been giving him headaches for days.
“There happens to be another party waiting for promotion to Highest Class. We will have them compete with this Evan fellow.”
“Compete…… meaning?”
“Whichever side completes the mission first will be promoted. Putting them together will also let them keep an eye on each other for any foul play.”
“As expected of the Guildmaster!”
“Ahem.”
Watching the Guildmaster’s shoulders rise under the flattery of the other branch masters, Francesca let out a hollow laugh.
What? Make them compete? Who on earth would enjoy something like that?
Certainly not the adventurers. Classic desk-jockey nonsense that only benefited the administrators. She sighed and looked over the adventurer party the Guildmaster had mentioned—then paused, revising her thoughts.
……No. That kid might actually like it.
The Upper Class adventurer party Valkyrie.
An all-female party.
And they were the ones who would be competing against Evan.
“—That’s what happened.”
Inside the carriage heading back to the city, I explained to Seolhyang everything that had occurred while she was unconscious.
How I had searched the city the moment I realized she was gone, how I found her at Cyrus’s mansion, and how I had finally defeated him.
I also added that a landslide had buried the bodies afterward, and that the murders she had committed would never come to light.
She still seemed unable to believe me, but when I placed Cyrus’s magic sword in her palm just as he had used it, she finally accepted it.
“……Was he strong? Him.”
“The strongest opponent I’ve faced so far, at least.”
“That’s a relief. Yes. I’m glad.”
I couldn’t ask what exactly was a relief. Tears had begun to roll from Seolhyang’s eyes.
Having never seen a woman cry before, I panicked, not knowing what to do, then carefully wiped her face with my sleeve.
“D-don’t cry.”
“……I’m sorry. It’s just… the thought that it’s finally over.”
“Yes, it’s all over. Now when we get back to the city—”
When we get back to the city—we can live happily together.
That simple sentence refused to leave my mouth. Saying it felt harder than facing Cyrus.
My lips went dry. I gulped down some water, then finally managed to speak.
“W-when we get back to the city! Will you live with me!?”
It wasn’t the cool line I had imagined, but I somehow got the meaning across. I swallowed hard and waited for Seolhyang’s answer.
Come on—I saved her life when she nearly died, covered up the whole incident, and she herself said she liked my face.
—Doesn’t that basically make us soulmates? Once we’re back I should start looking into wedding venues right away……
“I’m sorry.”
But Seolhyang’s answer was a rejection.
“I…… am not someone who suits you, Evan.”
“N-no… that’s not true! Seolhyang, you’re so beautiful and charming—”
“I’m not talking about appearances. I have a murky, stained soul. ……I cannot be with someone like you.”
How could she say that?
After everything I had done for her.
How could she do this to me—
My lips trembled as I barely held back the resentment that had been festering deep inside. Then I spoke quietly.
“……I see. Well then, Seolhyang, what do you plan to do once we’re back?”
“I intend to return to my hometown and pay my respects to my family. After that… I’ll have to think about it.”
“That’s good.”
Like a man.
I showed magnanimity.
It just hurt worse than the wounds Cyrus had given me.
Inside the silent carriage, the atmosphere was as uncomfortable as sitting on a bed of nails. Seolhyang listened carefully for any sound from Evan, who sat before her.
Every so often a faint sigh reached her ears, and each time it felt as though another piece of her heart was being carved away.
……I have to endure.
She wanted to pull him down.
Pull him down and paint him in her own colors.
She wanted to be dyed in his light.
But she could not. Not because he was unworthy—quite the opposite. She knew exactly how precious he was. He was not someone who deserved to be stained by a filthy person like her.
You…… will shine even brighter from now on.
The mere fact that he had defeated Cyrus—who had once wandered the entire continent slaughtering dozens of houses and hundreds, thousands of people—at such a young age was proof enough.
Evan was overflowing with talent. A person who shone like the stars above the sky, someone who would color the world with that talent.
A hero who would make his name known across the land. He was not someone who should be tied to a filthy murderer who had killed civilians without batting an eye.
I want to stay with you, but that would be greed.
She was someone blinded by vengeance.
Someone whose body and heart had already fallen to the bottom and rolled in the dirt.
She could not be with him.
Still, if she were allowed just one tiny selfish wish—
May I be the first person to leave a wound in your heart.
After we arrived in the city, Seolhyang left without looking back even once.
I watched her retreating figure, then returned to the guild with the certificate confirming the mission’s completion.
Depression clung to every step I took.
Rebecca at the guild noticed and asked what was wrong.
“Evan……? Is something the matter?”
“……Rebecca. No, it’s nothing.”
Seolhyang had told me something once.
A man who clings to the past is not cool.
In that case, letting our connection flow away like water was the manly, cool thing to do.
“Hmm— I don’t know what kind of worries you have, Evan, but…… our Adventurer Guild is always ready to help you.”
“……Then will you go out with me?”
“Pardon? No. That’s a bit……”
“……I’m sorry.”
“Ah, aah—! No, I mean it’s not that I dislike you or anything…!”
“I understand how you feel, Rebecca……”
Rejected twice in one day.
I want to die.