Shackles of the Past
"Ugh." In the end, morning had come. Even though I hadn't slept a wink.
"...What the hell was that?"
She hadn't even shown her face. She hadn't even given me her name. Yet she'd kissed me with such violent passion….
"Does she actually like me?"
The face without the mask reflected in the mirror tucked in one corner of the room. Would showing her this break the illusion a little? No matter which angle you looked from, it was an utterly ordinary face. Definitely not the kind of handsome features that could magically make someone fall in love.
No. I shouldn't get ahead of myself. If I stepped forward with overblown confidence, I'd only get brutally rejected and mocked. Just like before.
"Huuu." With a clack, I put the mask back on. This time making sure my lips weren't exposed. Maybe adding a mesh over the eye area wouldn't be a bad idea either.
I shouldn't let one kiss make things awkward. Just treat her like a person. She's nothing more than someone with a solidly built body.
"Today's news. Recently, as the violent organization Bulph's drug-related incidents have continued even in the downtown area, police crackdowns are ongoing…."
When I cautiously stepped into the living room, I saw Bianca chugging a carbonated drink while watching the news on her pad. She wore a tank top that boldly displayed her arms and their sweeping curves. The neckline hung a little loose, but I told myself not to look there.
"Good morning."
"...Yo."
She gave a half-hearted wave. I was planning to walk right past, but… for some reason our eyes met.
"Tch."
"Wh-what?"
"You, uh… what the hell. Still a virgin?"
Ugh. …Even though I couldn't say it out loud, Kerberos had called me that before.
"You're the same way."
"Getting all worked up over a single kiss. What are you gonna do if I actually jump you?"
I tried to avoid her gaze as she licked her lips and stared at me, but a crude laugh drifted from behind. My heart was pounding for no reason, but… damn it.
"What? Don't dodge me like that. Where'd that usual relaxed attitude of yours go?"
While I was off guard, she had already closed in from behind and pressed her body against mine. Leaning heavily, she roughly tousled my hair.
"Relax. Just relax. No need to overthink it, right?"
"…What exactly is there to overthink?"
"Just think of it as getting stamped. The stamp that marks you as a member of Bulph."
"I said I wouldn't do it."
"Still singing that same tune. You really are stubborn."
Softness and weight. Pain and pleasure. Caught somewhere between them, I breathed in agony.
"The strategist who used our kids and even pulled all sorts of dirty tricks. Don't you think it's way too late to wash your hands now?"
"…."
"You really think you can step back into the light? After manufacturing priest-grade explosives and illegally modified weapons like it was nothing."
"That was all—"
"For me. The head of a criminal organization, carrying countless murders, special violence, armed robbery, and every heinous charge imaginable. Right?"
But from the fragmented conversation, I understood. As I slowly steadied my breathing and fought to regain my senses, composure finally returned.
"Yes. It's for you."
"See?"
Her excessively calm reaction. The way she patted my head a couple times before leaving satisfied. If I hadn't gone through this before, I definitely would have misunderstood.
"Remember it well? Who you belong to."
Clearly, it's only because I'm a 'useful' person. Too valuable to hand over to someone else. That's all it is.
That indifference. The way she lounges around comfortably like before. It's because the feelings she has for me aren't anything special.
"Huu."
"I'm hungry."
"Yeah, yeah."
She just wants to keep me by her side. She has no intention of going any further. Yes. Let's think of it that way.
If I let myself misunderstand again this time… it definitely won't end with simple mockery. Repeating that to myself made me feel much lighter. The foolishly racing heart trapped in delusion finally calmed.
"Ah. And."
"Yeah?"
But.
"Change your mask."
"What?"
"What? You expecting something? Let's eat. Together."
As if she enjoyed that I was an inexperienced virgin with zero experience, she tapped her lips and smiled. She stepped closer, stroked my hair one more time, and pushed me toward the room.
"You told me to—"
"Or are you just gonna eat with that bitch and call it a day? Be fair. Go change and come back."
To avoid misunderstanding, maybe I needed even more resolve. Especially since the other party was a villain.
"This is…."
"What. You said you came here."
The same restaurant as yesterday. But this time it was under a bright, glaring sun for lunch… and her outfit had zero sense of atmosphere.
A white tank top matching the white half of her hair, black sweatpants matching the black half. On top of that, just a pullover hoodie and the mask. She gave my ass a light smack.
"Hey…."
"Hurry up."
At this point we could honestly just be friends. We'd had one intense bout of skinship, but… there was no seriousness to it. Clearly.
"…."
The same silent greeting. Bianca paid it no mind, striding forward, yanking the curtain aside, and dropping into a seat.
"Sit. I'm buying."
"…That's not like you."
"If I'm buying, just eat. I wouldn't shortchange family on something like this."
Leaning casually against the wall, Bianca chewed on a toothpick. While I quietly flipped through the menu. Then—
"Isn't that the alcohol section?"
She suddenly grabbed my wrist and stroked my lips.
"Ugh…."
"Why are you looking at the booze when you're weak to it? Behave. Let's see."
"The drink corner is right here too…!"
"Ah. Right. Don't you have any Puroro? That stuff you suck on. That'd be perfect."
Was she treating me like a kid? After saying it herself, she laughed heartily and rested her chin on her hand again… Ha. It was hard to believe this was a woman who'd slaughtered dozens with her own hands. She really was that beautiful.
They say a woman needs the right base features to pull off a short cut. …Or maybe I was the idiot letting one kiss make me delusional. Get a grip.
"For you…."
"You already know? Meat. Order a bunch of the biggest ones."
"Salad?"
"I don't count grass as food."
"Sashimi?"
"I eat sashimi just fine, but no. I'm not drinking hard liquor either."
"Try it. It was decent."
As I slowly showed her suitable options and asked questions, the distance between us gradually shrank. If I moved even slightly, our foreheads would touch, so I quietly tried to pull my hips back—
"What."
Our heads bumped with a dull thunk. She grinned at me.
"That should be enough. If it's not, we can order more."
"Have you… come here often?"
The way she closed the menu, glanced around, and pressed the service bell made it seem like she knew the place well. If not for those clothes and that crude mouth, she would have blended right in.
"No. I told you. I only know about eating. I don't know shit about knife skills or setting the mood. Why, got a problem?"
"No, it's not that."
But seeing her answer so naturally… Hmm. When the waiter came after opening the curtain, the way she ordered so familiarly. It really felt like she'd been here before. Or maybe I was underestimating Bianca.
"What are you staring at?"
I'd been unconsciously watching her too long. A sharp rebuke came immediately. She closed the menu, tossed it into the corner of the sofa, and leaned forward.
"…Nothing."
"Like hell it's nothing. What? Couldn't sleep because of this yesterday?" She tapped her lips and grinned. …How did she know?
"It's obvious for a virgin bastard. They say men are worse. You know, that thing. With a woman you just met, that… thousand-year vow or whatever."
"Thousand-year vow?"
"Yeah. That. The words are so damn complicated. Anyway. They even imagine wearing a wedding dress and losing their minds."
A laugh slipped out. Not a particularly sweet one.
"I guess that's how it is. Well…."
"Have you ever thought that way about another bitch, by any chance?"
I had. But it had ended in pain.
"…Why do you want to know?"
"You didn't—with that bitch—"
"No."
Bianca flinched, startled. …Even I was surprised by how resolute and irritated the answer came out.
"If it's no, then just say no… No. I was surprised."
"I have bad memories."
In the end the atmosphere became incredibly awkward. Until the clatter of plates being set down finally broke the silence.
"…Sashimi? They serve sashimi in a Western restaurant?"
"It's a bit special. You said sour things were fine."
"You remember that well. I thought your taste buds were shot from all the alcohol."
"If they were, I wouldn't have remembered yesterday either…."
Ah, damn it. I ended up blurting it out. See. She's laughing again.
"Ah, seriously. Who'd say you're not a virgin."
"You keep calling me a virgin, but you're a virgin too. Kerberos told me."
"You don't show it as blatantly as you, you idiot. Getting all flustered just from lips touching and fidgeting around."
"Was it just lips? What kind of mistake? We mixed tongues…!"
"Look at you. Said you wouldn't reveal it."
My face burned hot. So much I couldn't even touch the food. No—let's eat. Yeah, that was better.
"Just eat. Eat fast so we can get the main course."
"Why? Teasing you is more fun."
"Who was the one saying they were hungry!"
"Why? I was thinking of making the food wait a little longer so we could kiss some more in the meantime." …There had to be a limit to teasing. And why was she saying that while looking at the flatfish carpaccio….
"Now that I think about it, the sashimi is nice and chewy… If it were just a little warm, wouldn't it feel like a tongue?"
One piece disappeared into her mouth. Bianca began to chew, but I couldn't hear any chewing sounds. She stared at me intently. Then, gulp. She swallowed the sashimi.
"As expected, it's not as good as the real thing?"
"…."
That might have been the moment my reason snapped. No—to be exact, I got angry.
"Wh-what? Where are you going?"
Someone didn't know if that was sincere, a lie, or just a convenient tool. I was racking my brain, stressing over a situation that could crumble with one wrong word. Her teasing me like that felt exactly like making me relive those old memories.
"Hey!"
"Don't follow me."
That the target for my anger was wrong. That if this was caused by my own emotions and memories, I should quietly endure it alone. I knew all of that, but my emotions were already a complete mess.
"I told you to wait!"
"…I'd appreciate it if you let go."
"I'll say it with words, so come back to the room. If you cause a scene, we'll both be tired."
"Even with words, not right now. Just give me a moment."
"…."
Why was she making that face? The one in pain was me. Memories of shouting that in the past flashed before my eyes. That's why, to Bianca who looked like she was suffering terribly—
"It'll be fine in just a moment."
I quietly stroked her head. Keeping my voice as suppressed as possible.
"If you'd clearly said you hated it from the start… I wouldn't have crossed the line."
"It's my fault for not saying it properly."
"…You'll come back soon, right?"
"Yes."
I went down the stairs, slipped into an alley where no one's eyes could reach, and took off the mask. I wiped my face drenched in cold sweat and roughly rubbed my sweaty hands on my clothes.
"…This is fucking awful. Seriously."
I sat there for a long time, blankly erasing my thoughts. Suppressing them so the memories of the past that kept resurfacing wouldn't rise again.