Chapter 9: TIME-STOPPED ASPHALT FLOOR-HUMPING FEELS SO GOOOOOOOOOOD—!!
TIME-STOPPED ASPHALT FLOOR-HUMPING FEELS SO GOOOOOOOOOOD—!!
The pure white sun split apart.
FWOOOOOOOOOSH—!!!
And in the center of the crimson sky, a massive golden magic circle revealed itself.
SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEE—!!!
The circular magic circle spanning kilometers shone like the sun as it rotated, the mysterious characters filling its interior writhing like living creatures.
The atmosphere grew oppressively heavy, and the wind ceased.
THUDTHUDTHUDTHUDTHUD—!!
"KYAAAAAAAAAAAH—!!"
"E-Everyone's dead...!!!"
Birds plummeted from the sky, radio waves were severed, and every electronic billboard and broadcast network in the city simultaneously spewed nothing but static.
ZZZT. ZZZZZZZT.
People instinctively looked up at the sky.
""..................!!!!""
And they saw her.
A woman standing in midair like a saint descended from the heavens, yet radiating an overwhelming presence no mortal could dare approach.
Luminous golden hair cascading down to her waist.
Eyes dyed crimson as if steeped in bloody twilight.
A black-and-white nun's habit clung tightly to her form, and despite being holy vestments, they exuded not sanctity but the majesty of an executioner descended to judge humanity.
RRRRRRRRRRRRUMBLE.
Behind her, dozens of concentric rings of light rotated, scattering golden runes through the air with each revolution.
She slowly spread her arms.
In that instant.
WHOOOOOOOOOSH.
The entire city fell silent as if gripped by a giant hand.
People's mouths moved, but no sound emerged.
""...............!!!!!!!!!""
The wailing children, the sirens of magical police cars, even the emergency broadcast magic circles—all fell mute.
As if the world itself had held its breath to hear her speak.
At last, the woman opened her mouth.
Her voice was no mere sound.
It was a declaration resonating through the atmosphere, the seas, the mountain ranges, and the clouds themselves.
Her words translated simultaneously into every language, etched directly into the minds of all beings in Stardust.
"Hear me, crawling worms of this earth. I am the Will of the World. The Memory of the Stars. The Administrator of Life's Cycle."
FWOOOOOOOOOSH—!!!
"The Arbiter of All Existence. The Evil God Seraphiel."
Every living being on the ground trembled at her proclamation.
Evil God.
That single word triggered an instinctive terror carved into their very bones.
Yet Seraphiel showed no reaction to their fear, continuing with an expressionless face.
"You know nothing. That I have judged you once before."
FWOOSH.
A massive illusion unfolded in the sky.
WHOAAAAAAAAAASH—!!!
A burning continent.
CRACKLEEEEEEEEE—!!!
A sundered sea.
BOOOOOOOOOOM—!!!
A collapsing civilization.
"Ghk... Uuuugh..."
"Waaaaah..."
And amidst it all—the survivors weeping amidst the ruins.
"Long ago, we Evil Gods sought to purify this diseased world. To burn away greed and hatred. To end the endless wars. To restore peace to this star."
SWOOSH.
Seraphiel slowly closed her eyes.
Speaking softly, as if recalling ancient memories.
"Yet we failed."
Her face showed no emotion.
But her voice carried the faintest hint of regret.
"I underestimated humanity. You survived at the brink of annihilation. You rebuilt civilization upon the ruins. You were granted a second chance."
Her crimson eyes slowly turned toward the humans below.
"I waited. For you to change. To not repeat past mistakes. To find your own salvation. For thousands of years, through countless seasons. I watched."
Her voice grew icy.
"Yet you remained unchanged. The wars continued. The land sickened. The skies blackened."
She despised them.
The very concept of humanity.
"You trampled upon your second chance with your own feet."
FWOOM—!!
Seraphiel spread her arms wide.
Instantly, the rings of light filling the sky began rotating in unison.
SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEE—!!!
"But this time is different. This time, I will not fail. In the past, I showed mercy. In the name of hope. In the name of potential. I gave you time to choose."
Seraphiel could no longer conceal her emotions.
She unleashed pure, unfiltered regret and rage upon humanity.
"That was my mistake. Therefore, as the Will of the World—!! As this star's Administrator—!! I hereby revoke your second reprieve—!!!"
Humanity listened.
To the apocalypse proclaimed by the Evil God.
And...
"Humanity has failed. And this time, I shall utterly purify the world you ruined. The history you tainted. Every last trace of your existence—!!"
They faced it head-on.
Their end.
FWOOOOOOOOOSH—!!!
In that moment, the world's sky began drowning in golden light.
"Perish—!!! Let this purification etch your sins into your very souls—!!!"
Thus, the Evil God's judgment descended upon the frozen world...
THUDTHUDTHUDTHUDTHUD...
"..........?"
Just as Seraphiel began lowering her hand, an unfamiliar sound gave her pause.
"What."
She couldn't comprehend it.
In this frozen world, only she could move.
No living being was permitted even the slightest motion.
Buildings, insects, people—even dust.
No possible source for such noise should exist.
"What causes this sound?"
SWOOSH.
Seraphiel temporarily stayed her judgment and turned toward the sound's origin.
SWOOSH. SWOOSH.
"..........?"
THUDTHUDTHUDTHUDTHUDTHUDTHUD—!!!
It didn't take long to locate.
"That..."
"OOOOOOOOOOOHHH—!! TIME-STOPPED ASPHALT FLOOR-HUMPING FEELS SO GOOOOOOOOOOD—!!"
"............."
A spectacle too vulgar for words.
Nothing else could describe it.
A figure clad in black armor was gyrating wildly on the motionless street—completely alone.
THUDTHUDTHUDTHUDTHUDTHUDTHUD—!!!
Grinding his hips against the asphalt pavement.
This was unmistakably masturbation.
Floor-humping, to be precise.
"You fucking hack author. This is floor-humping. Get the terminology right."
My apologies. Floor-humping it is.
THUDTHUDTHUDTHUDTHUDTHUDTHUD—!!!
"My... My life's bucket list... fulfilled like this...!! If I could cry right now, I would...!!"
Incidentally, this Black Knight had harbored a secret wish—if time-stop magic existed, he wanted to freeze time and floor-hump in the middle of the street.
A Level 1 classified secret even May didn't know about.
Now that his lifelong dream was coming true, the world's impending doom might as well not exist.
"............."
Seraphiel stared speechlessly at this display of vulgarity that rendered her thousand-word declaration meaningless.
"NNNNNNNNGGGHHH—!! S-SANDAAAAAAAAAH—!! DOING IT WHERE EVERYONE CAN SEE, SANDAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH—!!"
THUDTHUDTHUDTHUDTHUDTHUDTHUD—!!
The Black Knight paid Seraphiel no mind, demonstrating hip movements powerful enough to make the street tremble.
This was the final stage.
Namely, ejac—
"Disappear."
KABOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM—!!!
Erased.
A searing beam of light from Seraphiel's palm obliterated everything before her.
Buildings, people—even the Black Knight.
"What kind of... abominable lifeform was that..."
Seraphiel genuinely wished this had been a nightmare.
"Have I lost my mind from sleeping too long...?"
THUD.
Seraphiel staggered slightly, complaining of dizziness.
Now, time to awaken from this bad dream.
WHOOOOOOOSH...
She floated back into the air.
And just as she prepared to resume her apocalypse...
"You fucking bitch."
CLANG.
"...What?"
She heard a voice that shouldn't exist.
"You goddamn cunt... How dare... HOW DARE YOU RUIN MY LIFELONG DREAM...!!"
WHOAAAAAAAAASH—!!
From the center of the erased city streets, the Black Knight came walking.
SWIIIIISH.
In his hand was an enormous greatsword—taller than himself—of unknown origin.
WHOOOOOOSH...
The blade glowed ominously with crimson light, flames swirling behind the Black Knight like a monarch's halo.
A completely different aura from usual.
Even the dimmest observer would realize:
The Black Knight had gone absolutely berserk.
"There was only one time I ever resorted to violence against May. Know when that was?"
SWIIIIISH...
The Black Knight leveled his greatsword at the hovering Seraphiel while spouting nonsense.
"It was when someone interrupted my masturbation session. That day, I lost all reason and punched May with everything I had."
(Conveniently forgetting how May had beaten him half to death afterward.)
"You just destroyed my dream of time-stopped asphalt floor-humping. Now pay the price, you nun bitch."