Ugly Possessiveness (1)
The day after finishing the final shoot with Arine. Leaving behind yesterday’s dreamlike time, I had returned to my ordinary routine. The usual moments of working part-time alone and streaming alone. Today, after finishing my shift, I arrived home to find a delivery waiting at my door.
“What’s this?” I didn’t remember ordering anything. I occasionally bought daily necessities online, but I wasn’t the type to order packages often. So there was no chance I’d confuse whether I’d ordered it or not. Besides, there were several fairly large boxes. Who on earth would send this many packages to me?
It couldn’t be my parents. We weren’t the kind of family that exchanged things like this in the first place. And since I’d never given them my address, they wouldn’t even know where I lived.
[Recently, drug-related crimes have been on the rise, even targeting ordinary households...]
The news article about drug deliveries I’d seen on my phone lingered in my mind. What if it was a misdelivery and I got tangled up in something shady just by accepting it? With that thought, I checked the sender first.
[Sender: Yoo Harin]
Relief washed over me. At least it wasn’t drugs.
“But what would she even send me? She didn’t even message me about it.”
I opened my phone and checked our chat history, but there was no mention of a package. Maybe she was too embarrassed, or maybe she’d just forgotten because she was busy. Either way, knowing it was from Arine made me curious about what was inside.
I carried the large boxes into my room and sliced them open with a utility knife. When I checked the contents—
“A keyboard and mouse? Is this a microphone?”
Everything inside was computer-related equipment. And it all looked far better than what I was currently using.
...Wait, don’t tell me the other boxes are the same?
After opening every single box, I finally understood.
“...This is all streaming equipment.”
Everything Arine had sent me was broadcasting gear. Pop filters, shock mounts, an audio interface, a capture card, monitors, a streaming camera—most of the equipment needed for internet broadcasting was there. And naturally, every piece was significantly better than what I owned. Easily worth hundreds of thousands of won each. I’d searched for gear often enough during my streaming years to roughly know the prices, even if I could only ever look and never buy.
And in the very last box was a single sheet of stationery. It felt like a reply to the birthday gift I’d given her.
With a dazed feeling, I began reading the note. The round, cute handwriting carried Arine’s voice.
Something about it felt like I was showing off, so I was too embarrassed to message you. I’ll just say it here instead.
You probably noticed already, but all these packages are streaming equipment. I upgraded all my gear recently. You might not know, but it was about three months ago?
So I’d just been storing my old equipment in the warehouse as backups. But after streaming from your place yesterday, I thought I should give them to you. As soon as I got home, I packed them up and sent them by quick delivery today.
They’re not the absolute latest models, but they’re not cheap either. At the very least, they’ll be way better than what you’re using now. They were just spares for me anyway, so don’t feel burdened.
Just in case you’re wondering, I’m not doing this because I pity you or feel sorry for you.
I told you yesterday—you’re really amazing. You’re cool. After experiencing your environment myself, I thought about it. How you managed to endure all that hardship.
I don’t think I could’ve done it. You felt like some kind of hero to me. So... how do I put this? It might be hard to understand, but I guess I became your fan? I’ve always thought you were fun, so that counts as being a fan too, but this time... I don’t know. I just wanted to support you. You.
So this is a sponsorship. A donation from me to you. Or an investment in a streamer who shows potential. Don’t pretend you don’t know me later when you make it big, okay? Got it? This isn’t some hasty pity or charity. I added that part so you wouldn’t feel bad about it.
I also thought about the content ideas you wrote down. How you could try them. I could just give you money and do content together right now, but I figured you wouldn’t like that. And it would feel like you’re relying on me too much, right?
So I talked to my manager and sent an email recommending you to Next Stage. The president and I are pretty close, after all. Your stream size has grown quite a bit now, and even though Next Stage is a big company, they’re pretty active about developing new talent. I thought maybe you could join us.
Next Stage is a good agency. And if you join, even if not everything, you’ll at least be able to try some of those smaller ideas with company support. Since Naty and Next Stage have pretty deep connections, getting platform support should be easier too.
I’ll let you know when I hear back. If it doesn’t work out, there’s nothing we can do, but I do have some pull as a streamer, you know? So the chances are probably pretty high. If you don’t want to join an MCN, just tell me. I’ll cancel it right away. I should’ve asked you first, but I got excited and sent the email first lololol
Let’s meet at the next collab. Oppa. Pretend this never happened, okay? Don’t mention it on stream either. I’m embarrassed to show off like this. Anyway, bye for real~
The hand holding the note trembled. Looking at the equipment spread across the floor, I couldn’t hold back my tears any longer.
“......What am I even worth? For someone to treat me this well...”
The tears I hadn’t shed in front of Arine now streamed down my cheeks. Her words calling me amazing, her acknowledgment of the pain behind my efforts—they echoed through my mind. None of it had been empty talk. She truly respected my streaming journey and genuinely wanted to support me.
Everyone says sincerity shows more in actions than words. Drop by drop, my tears fell onto the precious letter, smearing the ink. It felt too precious to let go, so I quickly clutched the paper to my chest. From the outside, it probably looked pathetic—an adult man sobbing like this. But so what? The warmth I felt right now might be something I’d never experience again in my life.
“......I don’t know how I’ll ever repay this debt to you, Yoo Harin.”
All I could feel was guilt and gratitude that I had nothing to offer in return for someone who supported me so wholeheartedly.
#
It had been a long time since I’d posted a rest notice. The reason was setting up the equipment Arine had given me. Since I usually turned on stream right after my part-time shift, I had no time to configure everything. Replacing this many pieces of gear wasn’t quick. I had to reinstall drivers and programs, check compatibility, and test that the stream ran smoothly.
And aside from that, I just wanted to rest. After breaking up with Seoyeon, I hadn’t taken a single day off in months. Partly out of stubbornness, and partly because I had no excuse like a date. After three straight months of no breaks, I figured I deserved one day to myself. So, as a small-time streamer, I allowed myself this one moment of weakness and decided to rest properly today.
“Okay. Setup’s done.”
After finishing the stream configuration and shutting down my computer, I grabbed my phone and flopped onto the mattress. It was just a bare mattress with no bed frame—I’d picked it up off the street—but I’d been using it for over a year. It was surprisingly comfortable, and I’d grown fond of it.
Viewers sometimes asked what streamers did on their days off. I always answered the same way.
“What do you think I do? I watch streams.”
I wasn’t someone with many hobbies outside of games and internet broadcasting. But after turning streaming and gaming into my job, I didn’t feel like playing games even on my days off. So on rest days, I mostly watched YouTube or Naty.
I turned on my phone, scratched my arm lazily with one hand, and scrolled for something to watch. I followed plenty of channels, but nothing caught my eye today.
“Should I just watch Arine’s stream?”
I considered dropping by her chat, but it felt like I’d be bothering her while she worked, so I decided against it. As I scrolled through the platform’s main page, I ended up on a lower section where game-specific streamer recommendations appeared.
[Battlegrounds Recommended Lives]
Below it were about five channel thumbnails. Probably because I liked Battlegrounds and watched it often, the algorithm was showing them to me. I was actually pretty good at the game. My physical skills made me decent at FPS titles, so it was one of my go-to games whenever I got tired of other stuff.
Since Battlegrounds had fallen out of favor on Naty, big streamers didn’t play it much unless they were sponsored. That meant the recommended channels were mostly small streamers with a few dozen or even fewer than ten viewers.
“......A few months ago, I would’ve been right there too.”
The thought made me feel strangely dizzy. If I hadn’t met Arine, I might still be among them. Yet somehow, they still felt closer to me than Arine did. After all, I’d lived there for three years. So I had no hesitation about watching small streamers. I wasn’t the type to chat much or donate anyway. I just quietly watched and left.
“I’m kinda craving Battlegrounds today.”
As I licked my lips and wondered which stream to check out, one thumbnail and title in the corner caught my eye.
[One month into streaming. First time playing Battlegrounds ㅠㅠ]
[7 viewers]
The title looked like it was written by a girl. Since it was an older game with low influx, my eyes naturally drifted toward it. Like with any game, once you become a veteran, you start paying attention to newbies. You want to teach them, give them advice. So I actually enjoyed watching newbie streams quite a bit.
“She’s got a facecam? But... her face looks kinda...”
Familiar. Whether she knew how to stream or her setup was just rough, I couldn’t tell, but the camera was set large enough to show clearly in the thumbnail. And that face looked far too much like someone I knew.
...No way, right?
Half-doubting, I clicked into the channel as if drawn in. The screen on my phone enlarged, and the streamer’s voice came through.
[Guys, what do I do with this? You said you’d give me advice earlier. Where’d you go?]
The chat was so empty it looked like one or two people were renting the whole thing. One of them replied to her.
I watched their back-and-forth for a moment and realized even her voice sounded familiar. This way of speaking. That face. I knew her.
Cheonghwa University. Jung Dayeon.
Cheonghwa was the name of the school I’d attended. I’d been on leave for over four years now, but it was still a fairly prestigious university in Seoul. Maybe part of why my parents and I grew distant was because of that school. They used to brag to everyone that their son got into a top university. After the military, I guess they were disappointed when I took time off to “find my dream” and poured my life into streaming instead. Their son, who could’ve lived a respectable life just by graduating normally, had ended up like this. From a son they could proudly show off to anyone, to one they couldn’t even mention without shame.
Well, none of that mattered anymore. What mattered was—
“......So she started streaming too, huh?”
I found it oddly fascinating. She’d been in the same game club as me. We’d even been really close during freshman year—the kind of friends people called besties. We shared similar hobbies and clicked well. Back then we’d enter campus gaming tournaments together or go to PC bangs after club activities. Those were some of my fondest college memories.
And another hobby we’d both had was internet streaming.
=Jung Dayeon. I’m seriously gonna stream one day. Right after graduation.
=I want to try it too, even as a hobby.
=Then when we’re both streamers, we can collab. Heh.
She was the friend I’d once dreamed of becoming a streamer with. That was probably why she stuck in my memory so much.
“She said she’d stream after graduating and getting a job... and she actually did.”
Honestly, I’d assumed she would’ve forgotten by now. While I was bouncing between small streams, she would’ve become a proper working adult. Landed a decent job, forgotten about streaming, and lived an ordinary life. But maybe I wasn’t the only one who couldn’t let go of that streamer dream.
It wasn’t too late, at least. Seeing Dayeon streaming like this brought back memories of those days, fresh and vivid. I wondered how she was doing. What kind of life she was living. It had been so long since we’d seen each other that curiosity hit me all at once. For a second, I considered saying hi in chat. There weren’t many viewers anyway, so it probably wouldn’t matter. But thinking about it from the perspective of another streamer, I held back. It didn’t feel right to use her real name and act familiar with someone streaming under the alias Lumi.
While I hesitated, Lumi seemed to have finally found her gun. She looked completely terrified by Battlegrounds’ intense sound effects.
[What was that?! I heard footsteps! Someone’s coming in! What do I do~~~~!]
She was panicking in every way possible. Then the door to the building she was in burst open, and an armed player rushed inside.
[Kyaaaaah! What do I do?! Shoot! Shoot! Why isn’t it firing?! Wait! Guys, why—! Urgh.]
The moment they faced each other, the opponent sprayed her down with an AR, dropping Lumi to the floor. Since she was playing solo, she died instantly. The screen faded to black with a hollow sound. Lumi’s flustered face was quite the sight.
The single viewer’s laughter flooded the chat, and I found myself chuckling along. But then Lumi’s next words made frustration bubble up inside me.
[Guys, why isn’t my gun firing? That’s weird? I was holding a gun, right?]
Why wasn’t it firing? Obviously because—
Idiot.
Before I knew it, I was already typing, unable to resist the newbie’s endless scratching at my patience.
“Agh. Are you stupid? Why aren’t you picking up ammo? What, is it an air gun? Man, I wasn’t gonna chat, but this is too much.”