Goodbye, Viviana
In truth, my consciousness had returned long ago.
A headache surging in. A body throbbing from head to toe.
Along with the sensation of a submerged mind slowly rising back to the surface, the pain in my body had been filtering into my thoughts for quite some time.
Even when I first cut my wrists, I had been half-certain I wouldn't die. I had done this before, more than once. I knew well enough which places to cut if you meant to die, and which places to cut if you only meant to hurt enough to feel like dying.
And this was a Ducal House — there was bound to be someone skilled in medicine. I had avoided the fatal arteries and only scored the safer veins, shallowly. I had expected to receive treatment within the hour.
If my prediction had been wrong… well, then I would have died. But one way or another, here I was, still alive.
Tina… Tina…
My mind was perfectly clear.
And yet the reason I still kept my eyes shut, not so much as twitching a finger, was only one.
Tina… please, wake up…
Because Mother's voice calling my name was so desperately earnest.
Because the sound of someone calling for me was so unbearably sweet.
Because I wanted to savor, just a little longer, that ticklish flutter in my heart under the weight of such deep affection — I kept on pretending to sleep.
Honestly, if I had followed my heart, I would have opened my eyes right then and gone home to the Barony with Mother. But I couldn't afford to let my guard down.
Mother had already agreed once to let Viviana take me to the Merdelia Ducal House. I was fairly sure Viviana had coerced her somehow — but if she learned I was fine, she might leave me here all over again.
No matter how much wealth I could wring out of this place, I had no desire to stay beside a maid who called me a whore and a woman who was slowly growing tired of me.
I was an ugly monster who could not live without someone's affection. This place was nothing less than hell to me.
So I brushed past Mother and ran straight to the mirror. I would show her with my own hands just how poisonous this place was for me — so she would never want to leave me here again.
Talking to my childhood friend would not look, to anyone watching, like the behavior of a sane person. My mother in my previous life had felt nothing but revulsion at that same sight.
"Ah… aah… Tina…"
Just as expected, Mother sank to the floor, her eyes drowning in despair. Her blue irises trembled without direction, as if she could not possibly accept what she was seeing.
She must have thought I had gone mad. My mother in my previous life had thought the same of me.
But I was not mad. The clearest proof of that was looking back at me from inside the mirror.
You're using me? That stings a little.
A girl who looked exactly like me spoke from within the glass. The only difference was the deep black cross embedded in her blue eyes.
Can't you let it slide just this once?
…Hmph. Only because it's you.
I clasped the hand I had joined through the mirror and smiled brightly. My precious friend, who had always been at my side whenever I was struggling, lonely, or alone. The thought that I had found her again filled my chest with a rich, abundant joy.
"Ti… na…"
Mother's cracked voice reached me. I tore my gaze from the mirror and turned my head — and there she was, looking at me with reddened rims around her eyes.
The pure, vivid affection in her gaze made my heart melt like sugar in warm water. I didn't wonder why she was here. The only thing that mattered was that she was.
"…Mother."
"Ti, Tina…"
Mother rushed to me in a panic and pulled me straight into her arms. Her soft chest cradled my face; her warm body heat wrapped around me.
It had been so long since I last felt a mother's love that I nearly let out a fragile little sound without meaning to.
"I… I want to go home… It's so hard…"
"Th-there, there… Let's go home… Let's go home and rest with Mommy…"
Artasha patted my back in a frantic rhythm. Every shift of her body as she tried to hold me even tighter carried the desperate wish to comfort me.
…I'm sorry for hurting you, Mother.
But she was the one who sent me here.
So she was at fault, too.
"Ti, Tina…!"
I don't know how long I had been held in Mother's arms when the door burst open and a familiar woman appeared in the gap.
Black hair cascading long down her back, violet eyes gleaming between the strands — Viviana looked somehow far more haggard than the last time I had seen her.
I wasn't sure.
Whether it was something I intended or something my instincts simply did on their own, the moment our eyes met, my body began to tremble like an aspen leaf. My gaze dropped to the floor of its own accord, and my breathing slowly grew ragged.
Sensing the clear abnormality in my body, Mother held me even tighter, sharing her warmth with me.
"Ti, Tina. There's something I need to tell you."
Viviana forced a smile. It was a fragile, ambiguous thing, almost too pitiful to look at — an expression that did not suit a woman who had always carried such refined composure.
"…What is it?"
"I did it for you. You kept dealing with me from behind a mask, so I deliberately acted cruel — to draw out the real you."
Like water pouring endlessly from a dam once the first crack has opened, Viviana kept talking on her own, her eyes unmoored and lost.
"How could I ever grow tired of you? Tina, do you have any idea how lovable you are? When I said I was tired of you, it was only because you seemed to show your true self only when you were cornered psychologically… I said something I didn't mean. And what Iris said wasn't her true feelings either—"
…Why was this?
This felt filthier than when Mardian had raped me.
She kept spitting out frantic justifications. But to me, every single one of them sounded like nothing more than an excuse.
"Tina, so the reason I—"
"Lady Viviana."
I couldn't stand to hear any more. When I cut her off, Viviana waited for my words with a face full of bewilderment.
I hesitated for a moment over what to say.
But in the end, there was nothing much I particularly wanted to tell her.
"May I go home?"
Viviana's violet eyes flinched. Her lips worked as if she wanted to hold me back, but no voice came out between them.
Could she really say no in this situation? Even Viviana, with her own stubborn principles, wouldn't be able to force me to stay under these circumstances.
"My lady, I will be taking my daughter with me."
When Mother added her voice to mine, her eyes thick with open loathing, Viviana had no choice but to lower her head.
"…Wouldn't it still be better to remain here until your body has fully recovered?"
"Our Barony has an excellent physician of its own. I appreciate the concern, but I would prefer you stop meddling in our affairs."
Mother's words were hard enough to call cold. It was rare for her to bare such sharp thorns at anyone — she must have come to thoroughly despise Viviana over this whole affair.
Even so, despite Mother's forceful stance, Viviana still blocked the doorway.
Faced with the look of someone who had no intention of stepping aside, I steadied my trembling body and rose to my feet.
Behind me, Mother watched with a worried expression, but I left her a smile that said I was fine and walked up to Viviana.
"…Lady Viviana, do you know that I actually liked you a great deal?"
Viviana's violet eyes flew wide. A faint light seeped into depths that had sunk so low.
I pressed my lips to her ear and whispered softly enough that Mother would not hear.
"The first person I ever let touch my hips… was you, Lady Viviana…"
Of course, Mardian had done far worse — but that had been forced, so it didn't count.
"And you're also the first person I've ever spent so much continuous time alone with."
"Tina…"
"That's how special you were to me… If… if we could have shared just a little more good time together, I think I really might have come to depend on you for everything."
Viviana seized my hand. In her eyes, which had somehow come back to life, there was a fragile hope that things might return to the way they were.
…Sorry, Viviana.
I can't give you what you want.
"Tina, then—"
"But… Lady Viviana, I don't feel anything for you anymore."
"…What?"
"Now… you only make me uncomfortable. Even the old memories are nothing but wounds to me."
Through our joined hands, I felt Viviana tremble. The eyes that had held hope only a moment ago had already gone dark. The way the light in them flared and died like a manic-depressive swing was almost entertaining to watch — but it was time to end this.
"Lady Viviana… I don't want to see you anymore. Honestly… it was better when I was with Lord Mardian."
With those final words, every last light vanished from Viviana's eyes.
Mother, who had come up beside me at some point, took hold of me and glared at Viviana.
Viviana bowed her head weakly, then took a single step back and cleared the way.
I looked one last time into Viviana's dead-fish eyes, and without a shred of lingering attachment, I walked out of the room with Mother.
Goodbye now, Viviana.
Let's say our connection… ends here.