Lingering Doubts
Today's dinner unfolded in a tense, uncomfortable atmosphere. Mikoto kept her head bowed low, clinging tightly to me. Karin picked up on the fact that something was off and shot me questioning glances, but all I could manage was an awkward smile. Once the strained meal finally ended, I stood up from my seat. After just a few steps, I heard footsteps following behind me.
"That is not what she wants."
Yukiko's cold voice brought me to a halt.
"The reaction was worse than I expected."
Mikoto was terrified of anything related to voice acting or cosplay in general. She rejected her past self with extreme fervor.
"Mikoto has decided to live a new life."
"Do you think I can just accept that?"
I hardened my expression. Embracing Mikoto had simply been a form of treatment. Even now, I couldn't be certain that she had consented to our relationship.
"Is Mikoto even alive right now?"
She'd probably be more independent than this if I just raised a cat or a dog.
"The Mikoto who wanted to become a voice actress, the one who selfishly tried to betray her master—that was just the old Mikoto."
I let out a sigh. Yukiko didn't understand at all.
"Why are you trying to paint Mikoto as some presumptuous, wicked woman?"
If calling it presumptuous or evil meant I had nothing more to say, then fine.
"Mikoto... she gave up a comfortable life for her dreams. I was the victim, but in the end, I crushed the very dream she wanted so badly."
"Of course she had to give it up. If she wanted to keep doing it, she never should have become someone's slave in the first place."
Yukiko's words weren't wrong. But I couldn't bring myself to admit it.
"It's truly tragic, but... I just can't see the current Mikoto as a person."
The version of her who deceived me for her dreams, full of pretense—that was better. The awkward fake anger she spat through the phone, leaving me bewildered—that was better. The hollow eyes staring at me in despair and resignation, bound to a chair after losing everything—that was better.
"Mikoto loves you, Master."
"Really? Does she seem like she's in a position where she can even make choices?"
Her gaze was empty. I might well be the most important person to her. But it didn't feel like receiving human love. It felt more like being loved by an android programmed to adore me.
Forcing out her dreams and shoving myself in their place—her mind couldn't possibly be normal after that.
"For now, it doesn't seem like there's an immediate solution."
Yukiko took a step back. I had to nod in agreement.
Mikoto would interpret these words as distrust or mockery toward her. Even if I didn't comfort or reassure her, she wouldn't demand anything from me or cause harm. Instead, the dosage of stabilizers I'd barely managed to reduce would just snap right back to its original level.
"Your health seems fine, so I won't cancel tomorrow's outing."
There were no issues with my physical condition either. Mikoto's situation had just crossed my mind—it wasn't so urgent that it needed solving right then.
I nodded.
"Ah, right. We're going to the amusement park."
Honestly, I didn't think there'd be much at an amusement park that I could actually enjoy. It was hard to expect any thrills from a roller coaster. Feeling thrilled would be a problem in itself. The moment I overreacted to any perceived threat, an accident was bound to happen.
Still, I harbored a baseless hope that going to the amusement park might be fun. Just watching the other women ride the carousel would probably make me feel happy.
"Seongha oppa..."
I held Mikoto tightly in my arms, caressing her body. Each time my hands touched her, her breathing steadied. Up until we'd entered the room, her heart had been pounding wildly, but it gradually slowed.
The provocative outfit she'd worn didn't suit her face at all. The black lace-trimmed mesh lingerie was lewd, sure, but seeing her pale, deathly expression made me want to do nothing but stroke her hair.
"Hngh..."
Soft strands of hair slipped between my fingers. Like petting a doll—or as if I'd become her security blanket—I stroked her body rhythmically. There was no erotic intent, but given her state of undress, every caress outside her hair meant touching bare skin.
Touching her like this made me delude myself that maybe things could stay this way forever.
"Oppa..."
"Yeah. Keep your eyes closed."
"Okay..."
She'd clearly come here for something sexual, but her body was too exhausted to achieve it. She'd spent the day listening to my words and choking back tears, or suddenly tensing up at the thought that I could die, her breath catching in her throat. Mikoto had decent stamina for her petite frame, but the emotional rollercoaster had overwhelmed it.
After a short wait, Mikoto had drifted off into a light sleep. I pulled the blanket over her nearly naked body.
Hyun-ah rummaged through her closet for a long time, but nothing suitable for going out caught her eye. She had casual clothes, but they were too shabby for such an important occasion. With no other choice, she settled on her usual school uniform. It was in good condition—not stiff from age, but clean thanks to her diligent care.
"Hmm..."
But she wasn't confident it could seduce Seongha.
"Is this okay...?"
Hyun-ah stared critically at the uniform for a long while, second-guessing herself, but there were no better alternatives. She turned away several times before finally giving up on changing.
"I should have shortened it beforehand..."
She regretted not hemming the skirt shorter, but she didn't have the money for that. In the end, her only "weapon" was the new black stockings she'd bought.
"Can I pull this off...?"
If she couldn't seize this golden opportunity, she'd regret it for life. She double-checked her shabby bag, wallet, money, tickets, and envelope over and over.
"Still not asleep?"
The door suddenly opened, and Hayeon walked in.
"Mom!"
Hyun-ah jumped up and hugged her mother. Seeing her alive and moving—not lying in a hospital bed—was pure bliss.
"Where are you off to?"
"Um, well, I'm going to hang out with some older sisters I know..."
She couldn't say outright that she was meeting Seongha. It was supposed to be a "coincidental" encounter; phrasing it like he was waiting for her felt too much like a lie. She didn't want her mom worrying or getting false hopes over nothing. As much as it hurt, she and Seongha were truly just acquaintances now.
"Oh, really? That's great. Have fun! Send me some photos... and don't do anything too risky."
"Come on, I'm not a kid. Don't worry."
Hyun-ah brushed off her mom's concern with a laugh.
"Got money? Take at least a little. Don't mooch off your friends too much."
Hayeon fetched a few thousand-won bills and pressed them into Hyun-ah's hand.
"No, I don't need this..."
"At least buy some snacks. Okay?"
Hyun-ah tried to refuse, but ended up accepting the money.
"You've suffered so much because of me, so go have a good time. Got it?"
"Yeah, got it! Don't worry!"
After shooing her mom out, Hyun-ah calmed her racing heart. It was just a regular amusement park, but the cost weighed heavily on her. She had no personal spending money left.
"This is tough..."
Men didn't usually demand money, but women footing the bill for dates by draining their savings was common enough. It was typically for exorbitant club memberships, exclusive shops, or fancy restaurants—not because someone lacked a few tens of thousands of won for an amusement park. But women at Hyun-ah's level simply couldn't date other men. Even if Seongha was a homebody who didn't go out much, their paths wouldn't cross with anyone else's. Unless there was a pre-war connection, it was best to resign herself to a man-free life.
She pulled out the printout from her bag and read it one last time. She'd already gone over the paper three times, but reassurance evaded her.
"Debt... repayment plan..."
It was precious advice from an older sister who knew Seongha well: pretend to repay the debt bit by bit, using it as an excuse for regular meetings. Seongha wouldn't take the money anyway—or he'd give back more than he received—so no need to fear. More crucially, if he saw the debt and their relationship as separate, things would never progress.
Hyun-ah gave the printout a final scan before carefully slipping it back into the envelope. The wording wasn't perfect, but she lacked the confidence to spend hours crafting something better.
She had to wake up early tomorrow. The amount wasn't much, but she believed he'd understand her sincerity. As she worried that the first installment might still be too small, a crucial realization hit her.
"Ah. Lunchbox."
Her wallet couldn't handle the amusement park's inflated prices. Packing simple rice and side dishes from home was the cheapest way to eat.
Hyun-ah bolted to the kitchen in a panic.