I Refuse to Become the Man I Despise
It had been a long time since I'd seen the sea. The fierce ocean breeze tickled my face.
"You feel guilty about enjoying things too much."
I couldn't agree. I took another sip of my coffee. Her eyes were serious, uncharacteristically so for Karin.
"You're a good person. Someone who can make others happy."
"Thanks."
There was a time when I'd have killed to hear those words, striving desperately for them. But the person saying what I most wanted to hear couldn't possibly be right.
"Don't like Hyun-ah?"
Karin gave me a puzzled look.
"No."
"Then what exactly do you hate?"
"Hyun-ah came to my room."
Our relationship was shaky and awkward, like a bridge made of clouds.
"She said she'd call me Daddy. While seducing me."
"So what? If you don't like it, just tell her no."
Karin laughed, genuinely thinking it was no big deal.
"Maybe she was just trying out a provocative concept? If you really hate it, say so."
To Karin, it probably wasn't a heavy matter at all.
"Besides, Mikoto's older than you, but she calls you oppa all the time."
Come to think of it, it had been the same with Mikoto. I could make excuses about the chaos of events back then, but I hadn't handled that properly either.
"Even when we have sex, it's not always in that ha-ha-ho-ho laughing mood, right? Sometimes we switch up the vibe..."
Karin loved turning little things into competitions. I won most of them.
"Hyun-ah's not the problem. I am."
"Huh?"
"Cosplay? Sure, I can do that. It's just words. So what if I'm fucking my daughter Hyun-ah, or sucking on Yukiko's tits while calling her Mommy? But that's not the issue."
In fact, the cosplay that had actually happened was our relationships so far. Yukiko, who truly said she loved me; Mikoto, caught up in incidents before anything even started; Karin, always vibrant and smiling. They were all too good for me—undeserved—and that's what I'd forgotten.
I was buying people with money.
"I thought I could be a good person for Hyun-ah. Harmless. Kind."
I'd been overconfident. Yukiko's success had made me think I was something special, acting all cocky.
"Reality is, I'm just a lunatic with bloodshot eyes, desperate to fuck a young girl. Yeah, I got hard. When Hyun-ah called me Daddy, all I could think about was my dick."
"..."
"Honestly, I can't even trust myself anymore. Did I really bring Hui-ah home because she 'looked dangerous'? She's still a minor, not even Hyun-ah."
Without my memories to justify it, every action of mine felt creepy and sordid.
"If Hyun-ah was truly pitiful, I could've just given her money. It should've ended there."
Of course, there were reasons at the time. The murder had happened right next to her home, and I wasn't in a state for normal judgment. Meeting Hyun-ah was Yukiko's suggestion, not mine. I hadn't planned to make her a slave at first. Repaying the debt somehow, or becoming a slave if not—that was Hyun-ah's idea. The title too. She'd first called me "sir." I told her to call me "uncle."
"I'm... turning into the kind of person I despise."
And yet, the results were there. Intentions didn't matter. Actions and their consequences did. I wasn't exempt.
"Fine, whatever you think of yourself... I could say nice things, but you're not in a state to believe them."
Karin clicked her tongue.
"Still, at least I'm living a happy life thanks to you."
She was genuinely worried about me, watching me with steady eyes.
"Any other owner, and I couldn't be this relaxed, or ride a bike like this, tearing down the road."
That's why being with Karin was easy. She didn't tiptoe around me unnecessarily—she just said what she wanted, bluntly.
"Feeling horny is natural. Hyun-ah's pretty, right? Call you Daddy or Grandpa, coming on to you in the middle of the night—who wouldn't get turned on?"
"..."
"Does it matter if your true feelings are ugly or pure? Hyun-ah's mom is alive because of you. I'm here riding this bike because of you."
My gaze wavered. My head spun.
"In the end, your actions make other people happy. Isn't that enough? Do you really need to... fit yourself into some incomprehensible moral standard?"
I stared at the empty coffee cup for a long time. I bit my lip. A laugh escaped.
"Important?"
My breath trembled. My body shook.
"Of course it's important."
I glared straight at Karin, enunciating every word.
"Not becoming the person I despise is obviously more important."
Isn't ignoring it better? Didn't this person benefit from you anyway? I'd heard it countless times. I despised them all. Guys pocketing almond cakes from rations, trading them for women's bodies. Everyone had their excuses. Had to relieve stress. Can't distribute food equally to all. Countless atrocities, countless justifications.
"I won't become the person I despise. Never."
Someone had burned people alive laughing, then claimed it was unavoidable. Late in the war, someone killed civilians for gifts for his sister. They'd hold innocents hostage: "The more you refuse, the more they suffer." And tragically, comically, even those perpetrators were innocents—people planning futures, unable to pass bleeding comrades, averting eyes from horrors, with families at home.
But I didn't want to become that. Never.
"Ease up on the glaring..."
Karin shook her head weakly.
"...Sorry for snapping. My bad."
Choosing the sea was a brilliant move. If the breeze hadn't cooled my heat by force, I might've done something regrettable.
"So, what're you gonna do?"
"It's over with Hyun-ah."
Lingering attachment remained. But even that felt suspicious now.
"Her mom's recovering too. I'll give 'em some money as a gift and send them off."
There wasn't even a loan contract. No desire to tie Hyun-ah down, and fussing around was a hassle anyway. Looking back, I'd been lucky.
"And when we get back... I need some time alone to think. A long time."
/////
"Seongha oppa's gonna let you go. Consider that settled."
Hyun-ah gave a bitter smile at Mikoto's words.
"Huh? R-Really...? Can I come back?"
"Doubt it. Unless the psychiatrist writes, 'Patient's survival requires Seongha.'"
"Ugh, is that a joke? I can't keep up with the gag..."
Mikoto muttered to herself, "It's not a joke..." She was much better now, but still couldn't quit her meds. That was Mikoto's original sin. She wasn't useful like Yukiko, nor a great friend like Karin.
"But nothing bad'll happen to you. You'll just leave this house—he'll keep helping you two out."
"But this means he has no intention of using me as a slave, right?"
Hyun-ah paced the living room anxiously.
"At first, I thought I could handle it myself. Seongha... Daddy didn't seem to see me as a woman, but I figured if I tried hard, I could earn enough to pay off the debt even if sold to someone else."
"You were naive."
"You see news about slaves selling for billions, tens of billions sometimes. I thought if I worked hard..."
Entering the market with a student's mindset was the mistake. School rewarded hard study and good scores with validation. But the slave market was vocational training. Good grades meant pass or fail, nothing more.
"Why do you want to be a slave anyway?"
"To pay off the debt, obviously..."
"Seongha oppa won't make you pay it back."
"Huh?"
It was a thought Hyun-ah had never entertained, trapped in her debt obsession.
"He'll probably say you don't need to be a slave—just live your life. Isn't that good for you?"
A thought she couldn't have dared before truly knowing Seongha. But now, it seemed entirely plausible. His warmth, his care—thinking of what he'd done, it felt stranger to imagine him exploiting her weakness like a leash.
"So, you need to decide what you want."
Mikoto gently took Hyun-ah's hand.
"When there's nothing forcing you, what do you want to do?"