011. Questioning (2)
011. Questioning (2)
"......."
Tak.
The sound of Yeonju setting down her water cup echoed unusually loudly.
An awkward silence.
The soft, fleshy sensation left lingering against my chest.
And a fucking physiological reaction that still hadn't subsided.
...Why.
Why of all times, right now.
Why of all people, to Lee Yeonju.
Even if I did touch a woman's body, she's...
She's my younger sister, for fuck's sake!
Sure, we were kind of awkward with each other until elementary school, but ever since middle school, we've been normal siblings who got along well enough, right?
We were the kind of relationship where if we ran into each other on the street, we'd exchange weirdly rotten expressions and then go our separate ways without caring.
So why, to a kid like that....
"...Fuck."
A maddening sense of self-loathing slammed into the back of my head belatedly.
It was because I was too obsessed with regression.
Clinging to the same body for days on end, licking sweat, and thinking only about how I had to sleep with her somehow had completely broken my body.
And... fuck, this was just a physiological reaction.
In the first place, if something is soft and fluffy, whether you're hugging your younger sister or a cushion, that's just naturally what happens to a male biological organism.
So this is definitely not that kind of thing.
It's not like I got turned on seeing my younger sister.
It's not like I saw Lee Yeonju as a woman.
It's not for any such fucking reason, but.
"...."
Her lips wet, Yeonju rolled just her eyeballs over to look at me.
She was the one glaring up at me so fiercely until just a moment ago, trying to piss me off.
Yet, faced with a reaction she hadn't anticipated, she froze slightly, her lips parting and closing as if she didn't know what to say.
Seeing that awkward face, my shame instantly flipped into fury.
"...What the fuck are you playing at, Lee Yeonju?"
"Ah...."
"Are you out of your mind? Why the hell are you thrusting your body at your real oppa?"
As I grabbed her bare shoulders firmly and snapped at her, Yeonju blinked at me a couple of times.
Her face looked blank for a moment.
But that was only temporary.
"...It hurts. Let go."
"Answer me first."
"No, why is oppa getting mad?"
Yeonju's brow instantly crumpled.
"Isn't an oppa who got a boner for his younger sister the problem here?"
"...When the fuck did I get turned on by you?"
"...Do you think I'm an idiot? I'm 26 years old, do you think I wouldn't know?"
"That was, fucking hell, just because we touched! Even if you bump into a wall instead of yourself, you get a fucking erection, dammit...."
"Oh, is that so. ...I'm sure it is."
"Stop trying to twist things in a fucked-up way, Lee Yeonju."
When I raised my voice, Yeonju's shoulders flinched inside my grip.
Realizing the next instant that I'd used too much force, I loosened my fingers, but I didn't let go completely.
I needed to clear this up definitively.
What kind of thoughts were running through her head to pull a stunt like this.
Just what the hell did she take me for?
"Do you honestly think I look like a total pushover to you?"
"...What is that supposed to mean all of a sudden?"
"Is it fun teasing a fucking otaku virgin? Do you look at your own real oppa and see a cripple who can't do shit even if you pull this kind of prank?"
"......."
"There's a limit to making someone look like a cripple. Even family has things you do and things you don't do. No, wait. Isn't it because we're family that you shouldn't do this kind of thing?"
The more words I poured out, the stranger Yeonju's expression became.
It wasn't anger.
It wasn't hurt either.
It was the face of someone who genuinely didn't understand.
"...Oppa."
"What."
"You still don't get it, do you?"
"What is it that I don't get?"
"...Are you unable to face reality right now?"
At her out-of-the-blue remark, it was my turn to wrinkle my brow.
...I don't get it?
Am I unable to face reality?
"The work I do while broadcasting, you know."
"...Why is that subject coming up all of a sudden?"
"Acting all cute every day. Writing letters when the broadcast ends. Doing private Discords with people who spend big money. Soothing anyone whose feelings get hurt."
Dropping that out-of-the-box statement, Yeonju calmly pulled my hand off her shoulder and spoke in a flat tone.
"From other people's perspectives, it's money earned ridiculously easily, right? I think so too."
"...So."
"Even money earned that easily, you have to save for over a year just to make 100 million won? ...At most 200 million won."
Yeonju paused for a moment, massaging her own shoulder.
Then, she stared straight into my eyes.
"But oppa is at a level where he loses and makes that kind of money in a single day, or loses it and just brushes it off with a drink."
"......."
"Throwing around money I couldn't even touch in a lifetime without a care. And on top of that, offering to back me up without asking for anything in return, and actually handing it over when he makes it."
"...What does that have to do with this?"
"Do you really think it has nothing to do with it?"
A story that didn't connect at the front and back.
What does me getting a hard-on for you have to do with any of this?
Right as the question was about to pop out of my throat, my younger sister stroked her own neck and continued speaking.
"...No matter what oppa asks for from now on, do you think I'll be able to refuse?"
...It was as if,
speaking in a way that suggested I was still hiding my true intentions.
"......What?"
"No matter what you demand, I won't be able to turn you down anymore."
"...."
"I'm a snob, I'm someone who's always earned a living by catering to the whims of losers anyway, and I've lived through seeing things way more sickening than oppa. ...So anyway, no matter how disgusting things oppa does, I won't be able to refuse."
"What the hell does that...?"
"We saw it. ...What kind of person oppa really is."
When I belatedly understood the meaning of her words, something snapped in my head.
...This means she thinks I'm a guy who's currently making just enough money that I haven't met anyone, and since I'm hanging out with the younger sister I happen to have ties with, I got instinctively horny yet am desperately holding myself back with sheer reason, right?
Am I right?
I'm not misinterpreting this, am I?
"Ha, fuck...."
Reflexively, I grabbed Yeonju's shoulders again.
One step.
Two steps.
As I pushed forward, Yeonju's back hit the wall.
Kung.
"Does that, fucking hell, make any sense to you?"
"...."
"Do you think I'm doing this to pull some weird shit with you? Do you think I'd tell you to hand over your body as payment just because I made you a little money?"
"I didn't say oppa would do that."
"Then what the hell was that just now?"
"You're holding back so you don't do that, but... oppa's true intention is that. ...Right?"
"I don't need that shit, so don't talk like that. No matter how blinded by money we get, we're siblings."
Even while looking into my eyes, which looked like they were about to burst with injustice, Yeonju didn't avoid my gaze even a fraction.
As if she understood everything.
As if she had dealt with men like me before.
"...Everyone said that."
"...What?"
"Even when I was broadcasting, the viewers said things like that. They're watching because it's cute, they have no ulterior motives. Get lost, and stuff."
"Hey, fuck. That and this are—"
"What's the difference? ...You're getting a boner looking at my chest just the same. The viewers, or oppa."
Her expression.
Her voice.
Not a single bit of it had changed.
...Even while looking up at me, she was playing me from the palm of her hand.
"After I turned on the half-cam, donations specifically increased. ...And the chat window changed a little bit too."
"...."
"Oppa's vibe is totally different from a week ago, too. You didn't treat me like this at first. You weren't uncomfortable either."
Leaning her back against the wall, Yeonju lifted her chin slightly.
"...No matter what job I do, or what kind of life I live, could I ever meet someone better than oppa?"
"...What's that supposed to mean?"
"Would anyone else ever measure up? ...I never even thought about dating anyone in the first place, but suppose I do date someone—if things get tough, would I lean on that person, or would I lean on oppa?"
Eyes devoid of any affection or desire.
A voice that spoke of an overwhelmingly obvious reality as if it were nothing.
It was utterly terrifying.
It was as if...
She was speaking as someone who had already made up her mind.
"...Stop talking crazy."
"It's oppa who's weird for acting like this even while holding tens of billions of won. ...Why aren't you using that money to meet women and instead paying attention to me? Isn't it because you like me better?"
Laughing bitterly, Yeonju let out a tiny breath.
"...It's good for both of us. ...Honestly, if I quit broadcasting, I'm just an unemployed freeloader with no career experience and no skills. And I don't particularly want to marry anyone either."
Inside my grip, her slender shoulders slowly rose and fell.
"If oppa hasn't dated a girlfriend until now, honestly, isn't it a similar thought? ...Don't you find it a waste? You earned tens of billions of won. If you get married, you have to split half of it away. And if a guy like you lives too debauched a life, you'll just get weak spots found on you."
"......."
"...But everything we're saying here right now is a complete secret. Forever."
Only after seeing my younger sister's emotionless, yet madness-filled gaze did I finally realize.
...The value of the money I had brandished, half as a bluff and half genuinely.
My younger sister's life was one where she had pondered anxiously over whether to accept a request to send photos from a loyal fan who had spent a mere 20 million won or so, debating if the risks were worth it.
Unable to cut him off because she needed the money.
Worrying over whether to cave in.
To the point of crying, drunk, thinking she was utterly disgusting.
And yet, tens of billions.
No, based on the amount Yeonju believed it to be, hundreds of billions.
If a man who treated hundreds of millions a day as if it were nothing—as if he were just buying a slightly expensive lunch—suddenly appeared.
Even if that man turned out to be her real oppa, whom she had only seen as mere family until just a little while ago.
...Could even the relationship of being siblings blur away?
So easily as this.
"..."
Still.
We're still siblings, you don't say shit like that.
That obvious sentence wouldn't come out of my mouth.
...Why, you ask?
Why the hell was I drinking alcohol in the first place?
"Lee Yeonju."
...I was drinking it to sleep with her, you fucking asshole.
Even if it was to regress,
whether burying my face in her chest or licking her neck, I was ready to go through with it.
"...Yeah."
I squeezed my eyes shut.
Wiping away the cold sweat running down my forehead with the back of my hand, I somehow organized the thoughts in my head.
"No matter what I say from now on, don't remember it, and whatever I do, don't take it however you damn well please. Just stay still."
"...Is that your kind of fetish?"
"...Just shut the fuck up."
A loss of 6 billion won.
And this godforsaken memory.
The only way to make both disappear.
...Surrendering for a little while.
Because when I go back, it'll be like it never happened.
Because arguing and making her understand is just too difficult a task.
"......."
It's simple.
If I go back to the 17th, it never happened.
...Yeah.
I might as well act like a crazy bastard for once.
Honestly..., yeah.
Fuck.
Her chest is big, after all, and she's pretty, Lee Yeonju is.
I know, I know it.
...It's just that because she was my younger sister, I hadn't felt any spark.
"Lee Yeonju."
"What."
Instead of answering, I grabbed Yeonju's wrist.
"Oppa?"
Cutting across the living room, I headed for the bedroom.
Though she stumbled slightly, Yeonju didn't shake my hand off.
As if she had expected it all along, she followed quietly behind me.
Opening the bedroom door.
Without even turning on the light, I pushed Yeonju down onto the bed.
"...."
Pulssuk.
In the darkness, Yeonju's eyes flickered faintly.
She wasn't surprised.
She wasn't scared either.
Just like someone waiting to see what I would do.
Avoiding that gaze, I lay down behind Yeonju's back.
Wrapping my arms around her slender waist, I pressed my body tight against hers so she couldn't run away.
Yeonju's body stiffened slightly.
Yet, true to form, she didn't push me away.
...She must have brought it up knowing it would come to this.
"...."
The faint sound of breathing by my ear.
The nape of her neck growing hotter by the second.
The accelerating heartbeat inside my arms.
Eyes tightly closed, I brought my lips close to Yeonju's ear.
"Go the fuck to sleep for today. ...No matter what kind of shit I pull."
"...Today?"
"...Yeah, today."
...Because tomorrow isn't going to come anyway.
I don't give a damn how she views me.
A younger sister whose mind has snapped,
once I use her once and wipe away the memory, that's the end of it anyway.