001. To the Day Before (1)
001. To the Day Before (1)
They say that the more painful a person's life is, the greater the masterpiece they produce.
Whether it's your pockets running empty, your home life falling apart, failing an exam, realizing you have no talent, or getting cheated on by your lover.
But the most painful thing of all is.
"...Should I just die?"
Falling from ecstasy into despair.
There's that famous legend about Icarus, who flew too close to the sun, melted his wax wings, and fell.
I was the kind of person who always kept that lesson in mind while trading, but unfortunately, it seems the Icarus wasn't the stock price or the charts, but me.
"I'm... a real fucking idiot."
July 13th, Monday night.
I take a sip of beer I don't even like and let out a deep sigh.
It was a pretty hot night, so my breath didn't fog up, and unfortunately, my inner turmoil didn't manifest into the world.
...Man, getting liquidated really makes a person unnecessarily philosophical.
If I'd lived with this mindset earlier, how much better would things be?
If I had, maybe there would've been someone by my side to comfort me.
"Can't even fucking die, dammit...."
If I kept staring at the floor like this, I felt like I'd get sucked right into it, so I squeezed my eyes shut and plopped down on the floor.
...What am I going to tell Mom and Appa?
I lost all 5 million won you entrusted me to invest.
That amount is fine, you say? No, no. Obviously, I lost all the money I earned, too.
How much? About 700 million won.
Are they going to beat the shit out of me?
Or will they grit their teeth and scold me?
Will they say it's a relief I didn't go into debt?
I don't know.
At the very least, I think they'd hold onto me so I couldn't die.
...Which makes me even more insane.
Because my 28-year-old life, which I never thought was inferior to anyone else's, has just turned into bubbles.
"...Should I have tried to get a girlfriend?"
Lee Yeon-woo, born in '99.
No certifications, and my education is a college dropout.
And that dropout wasn't even from a school in Seoul; after returning from the military, I lived a life mostly holed up in my room, clutching charts.
I struggled at first, but once I got on track, I earned money steadily.
If you just skim the volatility, you can win; if you stick to your principles, it's a fight you always win.
I lost sometimes, but I won most of the time, and even when I lost, I only took as much damage as I could handle.
...Until the future of buying a house in Seoul started shimmering right in front of my eyes.
Really, truly, I just needed to earn a little more.
If I earned just a little more, I could buy a house, a car, settle down, and finally, a guy like me could live like a human being.
...So, I went short at a time when it looked like it had no choice but to go down.
Since I was a guy who originally played in the crypto market, I did it with a bit of high leverage on BiXance.
Just to peel off a little profit from the stock market that had risen too much.
I even smartly left money aside to average down, setting up a board I couldn't lose on.
The result.
...I was truly fucked.
After I got fucked, the crash started, and with the scraps of money left, I worked hard to skim profits going up and down, but I ended up betting that hard-earned 20 million won on a rise and lost it all.
Still... I thought since I'd turned 2 million won into 10x after getting wiped out, I just needed to do it one more time.
I thought it wasn't that I lacked skill.
I was mistaken.
I was indeed a fucking gambling addict idiot.
Even now, the 700 million won that flew away shimmers in my hands.
With that money, I could've bought a decent car and a decent house.
I could've used money that was less than the dirt under my fingernails compared to what I lost to groom myself and find someone to spend my life with.
What was I so desperate for that I threw away my life and relationships to sit here alone?
While staring at this stupid... chart screen all day long—
"...Who is it?"
Thump, thump, thump.
Just before I was about to throw my phone, an uninvited guest arrived at this late hour.
Who on earth could it be at this late hour?
Leaving aside the time, there's no way anyone would come to my house; is it a drunkard?
In normal circumstances, this would be a situation to freak out over, but my heart had become sturdy enough not to be surprised by something like that.
I approached the front door with a heart so numb that I could calmly raise my middle finger even if a ghost appeared.
"What the..."
Beep, beep, beep, beep.
...The door lock opened.
And then, a familiar face approached me from the pitch-black darkness.
"...Oppa."
My younger sister.
Two years younger, my flesh and blood whom I hadn't seen in about half a year, walked in reeking of alcohol.
"Hey, Lee Yeon-ju, what the hell. At this hour. Suddenly."
"...I'm sorry, but can't I stay for just one day?"
"Why."
"Because there's a reason."
I stood blankly in the entryway, flustered by a face I never imagined seeing, and my sister, without even looking at me, took off her slippers and ducked under my armpit to get inside.
How did a kid living in Bupyeong end up in Bucheon?
It's close, but it's not a walking distance.
"How did you know the door lock password?"
"It's the same as the main house."
"I never told you, though?"
"I heard it when you were talking to Mom."
I should've scolded her for breaking in without notice at this late hour, but I was so dumbfounded that I could only stare at her, stunned.
...What is she doing, reeking of alcohol when she hates drinking?
We're not on bad terms, but we're not that close either—
"Oppa, is there anything to eat in the house?"
"Hey..., is something wrong?"
"Can I drink the beer in the fridge?"
My sister, who ignored my words and raided the fridge, just plopped down on the bed.
Then, holding the opened beer can with both hands, she let out a deep sigh, gulped it down, and lay back on the bed.
Vibrate.
My sister's phone, tossed onto the bed, vibrated briefly.
The screen was filled with messages from the same person, but Yeon-ju didn't even check them and flipped the phone over.
"Don't you need to answer the call?"
"It's spam. ...And that's not why I came."
...Her expression is too stiff for it to be spam.
Besides, what does she mean that's not why?
What kind of problem could she have—
"You have to tell me something for me to listen. Why did you come suddenly?"
"...I lost money."
"...Doing what?"
"Trading stocks."
Just before I got a bit annoyed and raised my voice, I felt a very familiar emotion in my sister's hollow eyes.
The exact feeling I was feeling just a minute ago.
The emptiness, the despondency, that numbness where I felt like a third party as if I were having an out-of-body experience.
...That was 'conveyed' right from my sister's eyes.
"...How much did you lose?"
"...60 million won."
"How much was the principal?"
"120 million won."
"Where did you get the money?"
"That..., I have it. Anyway."
"...Is that so."
...You're the same as me.
Well, we are siblings.
We both got caught and lost it all the same way.
I didn't want to get confirmation that we're blood-related even at a time like this.
"...Did you come because you couldn't bear to suffer alone?"
"...Yeah. Plus, I'm a bit tipsy, so... I felt like I was going to die."
"Then you should've gone to the main house."
"That place is...."
Yeon-ju's eyes turned toward the flipped-over phone.
Then, when she met my gaze, she just took another sip of beer as if nothing had happened.
"How can I tell Mom this?"
"...True, I guess."
"...But, didn't you lose money, Oppa? You trade stocks too."
"...I did lose some. To some extent."
"I see."
My sister's hollow pupils... were like looking at myself in the mirror over the past few days.
...Are you acting like this over just 60 million?
This pathetic older brother lost 700 million won.
Were you so cornered that you wanted comfort even from an oppa you're not that close with?
"...Alright, I get it. I'm hungry, should we order some chicken?"
"...Yeah."
Since alcohol and food are the only things that can soothe the stomach, I decided to invest the little money I had left.
...It's all the same whether I have 2.8 million won or 2.78 million won left in my account anyway.
Screw it, I'll buy it for her.
I'm still her oppa.
**
The chicken arrived quickly, but surprisingly, I had no appetite.
For the past few days, eating anything felt like eating a dry, mealy apple, but it would be weirder if that changed just because my sister came over.
"I don't know how long it's been since I ate with you."
"We ate together on Lunar New Year."
"No, just the two of us."
"That..., I think it's been over 5 years."
"You didn't even come to visit me in the military."
"Visits were blocked back then, how could I go?"
While chatting with my sister about trivial things, I used the alcohol to pretend to be okay, to pretend I was fine.
My sister was doing the same, trying to act like nothing was wrong just like when she broke into my room..., but her eyes were still unfocused.
Can't be helped. 60 million won isn't exactly chump change.
60 million won is money that someone who studied well and got a good job has to work a full year to earn.
...And I lost 12 times that 60 million won.
12 years, huh.
Even if I got a good job right now, would it take until 2038 to earn 700 million won?
By then, my age would be..., 40 in Korean age?
Hahaha.
I probably won't even get an erection by then.
Conversely, 12 years ago I was a middle schooler..., wow, damn.
If I told my past self that I'd end up like this 12 years later, wouldn't I have freaked out and studied or learned a trade?
"Come to think of it, didn't you tease me when you were in middle school... no. Elementary school, saying you didn't have to go to the military?"
"Did I?"
"You did. Since I was wasting 2 years in the military, you were acting all cocky saying you'd graduate college first. That..., the day the relatives came over and we shared a room. Don't you remember?"
"Me? ...I never did that? You were pretty mature when you were young, so I respected you a lot."
"Not anymore?"
"You have to look respectable to be respected."
"Pfft. Sorry. For looking so shabby."
Anyway, thinking about me and my sister 12 years ago, I think we really didn't grow up well at all.
We were both pretty sharp kids back then, too.
We both fell apart after entering high school.
We're two years apart, but since Yeon-ju has an early birthday, she saw me having it easy in high school and followed me to the same school, and then we both gave up on entrance exams.
If Dad hadn't pushed me, I would never have gotten into college with those miserable grades in the first place.
...And the result is this mess.
I just feel sorry for my parents.
"Anyway, Lee Yeon-ju, what are you doing these days?"
"I'm..., working as a YouTube editor from home. Getting paid."
"First time hearing that. Did you know how to do that?"
"I didn't tell Mom in detail either."
"Do you make good money?"
"Just so-so.... Enough to get by."
Vibrate.
The flipped-over phone rang again.
Before the vibration even stopped, it rang again, so Yeon-ju just turned the power off completely.
"Is it the person who hired you for editing?"
"...Something like that."
What the, what time is it, why are they contacting an editor so persistently?
Is that how people abuse their power these days?
Anyway, compared to me, whose life is completely fucked, Yeon-ju is in a much better situation.
At least she knows how to feed herself.
She even has 60 million won left.
And she's 2 years younger than me.
...Plus, for someone like her, if things really don't work out, she can just get married.
Her face is decent enough to look at, she's not super fat..., she'll meet a good person if she wants to.
Compared to that, how am I?
What woman would ever like me?
...Who besides Mom would ever like me?
"...Is the chicken not good?"
"Huh? No. I'm just a bit sleepy."
"Really? Oppa, weren't you nocturnal?"
"No, well. People change after going to the military."
...Sigh.
It's fucking miserable.
Myself, trying to act cool to comfort my sister when I can't even do that.
I should be doing this in front of a woman I like, why am I acting like this in front of my sister, what's so great about me?
I'm an even bigger idiot than she is.
"...But, Oppa."
"Yeah."
"How much exactly did you lose? ...You said you bought semiconductors too. But since you bought them from January, even if it dropped, did you make some profit?"
"...Do you want to hear it?"
"...I felt a bit stifled thinking I was the only one who failed."
"...Is that so?"
Better.
Isn't it right to be honest in front of her?
"Still, since you're good at stocks, to some extent—"
"2.8 million won."
"Huh?"
I'm a bit drunk anyway.
It's not something I can hide forever.
...Besides.
"...I lost it all, leaving only 2.8 million won, your oppa."
"..."
If I keep my mouth shut, I feel like I'll really die.
I too..., even if I can't get comfort, I want to get empathy.
"Is... that possible...?"
"...I do futures. You know what futures are, right?"
"Ah, that squid game—"
"Yeah, that. ...To be precise, it's with crypto. I did well guessing it for a few years with that... Sigh. ...I just got it wrong twice."
"..."
"I should have admitted it, fuck.... I've never had a history of trading like that in my life...."
I didn't say it for my sister to hear.
It was the muttering I'd been doing to myself every day for the past few days.
As I brought it out in front of someone else, some unknown emotion started to surge up.
It wasn't so much that I wanted to cry..., but a feeling like I wanted to vomit.
...The feeling of wanting to die because I look so pathetic and stupid.
"You're... joking, right?"
"I wish it were a joke, too."
"..."
Yeon-ju, terrified by that overwhelming despair, was unusually flustered and slowly avoided my eyes.
...So she does feel fear too.
I'd never seen her look scared in my life.
Is 700 million won that scary?
"...Ah, fuck. Just. I should've bought a car with that money."
"..."
"Ah, really, fucking hell.... I could've just bought this house, too. If I didn't have thoughts of getting married, I could've just..., put it in dividend stocks and just collected dividends steadily.... No, you need a girlfriend to think about marriage. You idiot."
If not that..., is it that my eyes are scary right now?
...Have I become a piece of trash who scares even his own sister now?
"...Yeon-woo Oppa?"
"Why."
"That, um..., you're not thinking of doing anything bad, right? Huh? First, first calm down. Oppa. I know you're having a hard time, but..."
"I'm not dying, you brat. ...I can't die because it's so unfair."
"Don't bring up dying. If you die... Mom and Appa will have a hard time."
"Hey, hey, I said I'm not dying. Let go. It hurts."
Yeon-ju was already holding my wrist.
She was gripping it so hard her nails were digging into my skin, and she didn't look like she had any intention of letting go.
...Well, she must be that shocked.
Since she's in the same position of having lost money, Yeon-ju must have been even more horrified.
Even losing half your seed money makes you want to die, so she can probably guess what it feels like to lose your entire fortune of 700 million won.
That's probably why she's scrambling to comfort me like that.
Because even if I'm a worm-like oppa, it'll be a headache if I die.
"...Anyway, Lee Yeon-ju. Your oppa tried to earn 1 billion and failed miserably. So don't be too greedy and live diligently. ...You can make a living even if you live like that."
"..."
"Don't act cocky like me, talking about trading on holidays or how much I earned in crypto. You have to not accumulate bad karma for this..., not to die."
"Oppa, didn't Mom hate it when you talked like that...?"
"She pretended to hate it, but of course I was acting cocky inside. Hey, damn. Do you think I was really humble while rolling hundreds of millions at 27? Humble people can't roll money like that. Because there's such a thing as common sense."
So I decided to throw away the mask I'd been wearing my whole life and talk a bit honestly.
It's stuff I can't say to Mom and Appa anyway, and can't say to others..., so if not in front of my sister, who else would I say it to?
"Ha, fuck.... I should've just traveled with that money, and..., met women."
"...?"
"What am I doing, not even having dated once at this age. ...Isn't your oppa really fucking pathetic?"
"Uh, yeah..."
...Who else can I reveal this base and pathetic nature to?
I can't tell anyone.
I'm only confessing it because it's my younger sister who doesn't care about anything.
As for her..., she probably has no affection or respect for me anyway.
"...Yeon-ju. Do you have money?"
"Uh, wait, why...?"
"Oppa doesn't have cash, so let's go out together and buy some soju. ...I don't think I can sleep if I don't drink."
"Ah..., yeah. Okay."
So, just to survive, I wanted to get drunk with my sister tonight.
...If I was alone, I felt like I wouldn't be alive tomorrow.
**
I woke up from sleep, drenched in sweat from being encroached upon by the damp humidity.
As I lifted the eye mask I was wearing, gloomy summer rain clouds greeted me.
Ah, my head fucking hurts.
This is why I hate alcohol.
...But why did I drink alcohol?
"...Ah."
I was startled and fumbled around to touch my surroundings.
But all I could feel were the sheets and my phone.
This brat Lee Yeon-ju, she broke in on her own at night, and now she's up and ran off without even saying goodbye?
She could've at least eaten breakfast together, she's so heartless.
Wondering how late I woke up for her to disappear without a word, I picked up my phone and checked the time.
"...?"
...It's 8 AM?
What, it's not like I overslept that much?
I looked around the room wondering if she went to a convenience store because she was hungry, but I didn't see any traces of my sister.
Not even the chicken we left over yesterday.
Thinking she's not the type to clean up and leave, I touched my phone out of habit and tensed up at an unknown sense of incongruity.
And then.
"Ah."
...I knew what that incongruity was as soon as I saw the phone.
"...What is this."
July 12th.
...Sunday.
The day everyone held half expectation and half fear.
A holiday when stocks aren't traded.
Still..., the time when my 20 million won is still left.
"..."
Goosebumps broke out all over my body.
Because if this was a dream, I desperately hoped I wouldn't wake up.
But no matter how much I looked at the phone, looked at the charts, and looked at my account.
...It was definitely there, and it hadn't moved yet.
It had gone back.
To say someone played a prank, it was exactly as I remembered it so vividly.
Exactly one day before.
I wiped away the cold sweat and, with trembling hands, made a call for the first time in a while.
...Praying she would pick up.
Desperately praying she would prove that I hadn't gone crazy.
-Hello. What is it, Oppa.
"Yeon-ju."
-Yeah, why. What's up at this hour?
"...Did you happen to buy stocks?"
-...How did you know?
"How much did you lose?"
-No, me. It's not that much, but....
Having received an answer close to confirmation from my sister who picked up the phone right away.
...I swallowed hard, grateful for this unknown stroke of luck.
The yesterday, or rather, the tomorrow I experienced.
Whether it was a precognitive dream, a dream, or a delusion or hallucination, or maybe I'm daydreaming right now.
But if it's not that, and it's a one-time opportunity given to me by the heavens....
I have already seen everything.
I remember the highs, the lows, and the order of everything.
I can bet even on the weekend. I just need to change my position. Even...
...If I combine it with Lee Yeon-ju's money, one day is enough.
Just one day....
I can turn it all back.
To how it was.