Unable to Hold Our Heads High
I needed to restrain myself.
Song Hamin, who'd thrown up walls the moment Mom came home, was starting to piss me off. Of course, I figured he had every right to refuse if he didn't see anything good in it for himself.
But getting fucked could feel pretty good in its own way—so why turn it down?
Maybe there was a separate line of resistance unique to how men felt about these things.
What I'd done in defiance of that had nearly gotten out of hand. We'd muddled through somehow, but the fact remained that this was a dangerous time.
Whether Mom's subtle glances really carried suspicion or it was just my paranoia, I had no way of knowing. It wasn't as if I could read her mind.
"Ah, I need to wash up."
The semen smeared thick between my cleavage was cooling, growing more unpleasant by the second. It went beyond simply feeling sticky—the cum was hardening, clinging to my skin in a tacky film. Every time I parted my breasts even slightly, it made wet, peeling sounds.
I'd wiped it with tissues in a hurry, but even that hadn't cleaned it properly. Unless you wiped it off right away the way Song Hamin did, it wasn't easy.
After scrubbing it off somehow with wet wipes, the bra became the problem. The part that had slipped down was soaked through underneath, looking uncomfortably heavy. I could suck it clean next time, but for now I decided to wipe it down. I had no idea what would happen if it hardened any further.
Once I'd somehow cleaned everything up, the tension drained out of me and a sigh of relief escaped.
"I'm tired."
If I can sleep, I should sleep. I'd clearly just woken up, and yet I was exhausted again. The moment I lay down, I felt like I could drift off right away.
I nearly had a heart attack thinking we'd been caught.
Song Haneul had somehow steered things toward talk of games and we'd muddled through, but the truth was that wasn't nearly enough to fully shake Mom's suspicions.
The atmosphere was a little off. Being in a situation we couldn't hold our heads high about made the silence even more uncomfortable. Mom seemed to have plenty she wanted to say but was holding back. Because I felt like she was suspicious, every little movement of mine became careful.
"Have you two always been that close?"
"It just sort of happened. We were supposed to be going to school around this time, but since we're both home, we naturally ended up doing all sorts of things together."
I couldn't exactly say I'd been done by Song Haneul—I had nothing honorable to stand on either. I could claim I'd been the one taken advantage of at first, but even then it would just end up as Song Hamin having violated Song Haneul.
When it was just the two of us, we knew who was "Song Hamin" and who was "Song Haneul." We both knew who'd done what. There was only the one who'd committed the act and the one who'd received it.
"All sorts of things?"
"Games, and just going around shopping for clothes."
"It's good that you two get along as siblings. You used to be so awkward with each other."
"...We weren't that awkward."
But the moment a third person got involved, explaining things became genuinely difficult. Laying it out in words painted a strange picture. And lately I'd even tried fucking her myself, and earlier I'd received a titjob.
I'd been holding back, but I'd never dreamed Song Haneul would pull something like that at dawn. At first I'd tried to push her away, but since it wasn't an embrace there was no risk of our bodies swapping. Thinking it could end quietly had been my undoing. While I was holding out, the pleasant sensation hit me and I couldn't shake off the desire.
If I'd finished quickly, maybe we wouldn't be stuck in this uncomfortable situation now. All sorts of thoughts ran through my head. But it was already in the past.
Having come this far, I had one less justification for pushing Song Haneul away. Saying "because we're family" would only invite mockery given how hollow that claim had become with everything we'd done.
"Really? I guess I never knew since I'm always away from home. People say siblings usually bicker when they're little and then grow closer once they're older."
"Oh, is that so? We were close, though. We just never had much chance to hang out."
"Well, that's a relief. I used to worry you two might be fighting whenever you were home, but I guess that was for nothing."
Watching Mom laugh lightly, I couldn't feel entirely good about it. I didn't know how to react, so all I could do was put on an awkward expression. It was because of that slightly guilty feeling.
"We don't fight."
Still, I couldn't say it. There was no way I could say it.
Things got awkward whenever Mom was around. It hadn't been like this before I left for the military, but it had gotten worse ever since Song Haneul and I fell into this ambiguous relationship. Every action was careful. After what had happened that morning, I worried she'd look at us suspiciously, and my movements grew passive.
"Turn on a game."
Still, Song Haneul spoke up first—maybe worried that what she'd said earlier would turn out to be a lie. It was better than me being the one to suggest gaming, so I actually welcomed it. If we could clear the suspicion from her hanging around me at dawn by doing this, nothing could be better.
"What are we playing today?"
"Uh, something like Kart."
"Okay."
I'd never actually played games with Song Haneul before, but this time I decided to play along and read the room. She never played anyway, so even if she was bad at it, no one would find it strange.
More than that—it wasn't "something like Kart." It was just Kart. Only people who played games knew about them; people who didn't had no idea at all. The way she so blatantly showed she had zero interest made her lack of awareness obvious. Meanwhile Mom didn't know either, so she just let it pass.
Thinking that was fortunate, I pulled out the console that had been inside. Since Mom had claimed the living room TV, I connected it to the computer monitor. Unplugging and plugging cables was annoying, but I couldn't skip the effort, so I grunted through it.
There was only one computer in the house that could run games. With a single keyboard, the only games two people could play were old flash games from years ago. Most of the time, one person played while the other offered commentary from behind. But these days there were consoles like this, so even with just one device, two people could enjoy themselves.
I couldn't be more grateful. Without it, Song Haneul would be stuck holding a controller for a game she didn't even want to play, while I sat behind her dying of boredom watching.
"You need to bring a chair."
"Ah, right."
Song Haneul brought over one of the vanity chairs and settled fidgetingly beside me. She gripped the small controller. Once the game was on, she lit up right away.
"Wait, wait. Okay, now I really get it. How to play."
Excited Song Haneul, competitive spirit apparently kicking in, swept her hair back. It was a simple game with clear win conditions, so even without prior interest it was easy to get sucked in. Completely hooked, she clenched the controller and started mashing buttons.
From the way she talked, it seemed like she'd master it in an instant—but having experienced that body myself, I knew better. Her situational awareness was significantly worse. In ordinary situations there was no occasion to test it, so you didn't notice day to day. Not unless you were inside a game that demanded judgment and reaction speed every single moment.
Her dynamic vision was slow, so her reactions were slow too. On top of that, her body wasn't particularly snappy. It was made of fat rather than muscle, so the responses themselves were dull. The result was a continuous string of losses.
"Ugh, I don't want to play anymore."
"Hey, trying to win after only a few rounds is cheating."
"Hah, whatever."
Apparently her mood had soured from losing without me throwing a single match. If she suddenly quit after barely learning the game while Mom was right there, wouldn't the lie about coming over at dawn to learn games get exposed right away?
The thought that flashed through my mind made it impossible to just let her go. My hand shot out like a spasm and grabbed Song Haneul's arm.
"What, what is it."
"Just play a little more. Mom's here."
"Haven't we already been at it for an hour?"
"It's only been forty minutes."
"Hah, it's not like I have anything better to do anyway."
She grumbled under her breath so it wouldn't carry to the living room. She reluctantly took the controller, but the bitter taste of consecutive losses had long since killed her motivation. She was just clicking around halfheartedly, so winning against her had become pure work. Throwing a match against someone playing like that was basically teabagging, so I was stuck not knowing what to do.
Was there something that could fire her up? Nothing like that came to mind. The things we'd done together recently weren't exactly things I could bring up.
1st. The ranking that floated up boldly alongside the victory.
Song Haneul looked at me with displeasure, then shot a glance my way.
"Happy now that you're beating your little sister who's just starting out?"
"You don't even call me oppa normally—what the hell 'little sister.'"
She'd match me toe to toe saying what older-younger sibling nonsense when we're twins, but at times like this the "oppa" talk came out. I wasn't used to it, so it felt awkward enough to make my stomach turn.
"Aargh, seriously. Even when I try to learn, it's like this."
"Then go find something you can actually play. Honestly, with your body it's impossible."
"...You cheap bastard. You know that and you're still doing this?"
"Want to try something else then? There's an RPG over there."
"No. Forget it. I'm done. Just looking at it, it seems boring."
An open-world game that emphasized adventure. The moment Song Haneul saw those words, she shook her head. Apparently she hated anything that took a long time.
"You've got time to spare anyway, so you'd enjoy it plenty, right?"
"What, you think all I do is play around?"
"A little?"
I'd been thinking that more often lately. And that was me being generous.
"What?"
"Watching what you've been doing, I thought you'd dropped out just to mess around."
"There you go scraping at me again. I'm leaving. Give it."
She tossed the controller carelessly. I lunged in a panic and barely caught it, and in that moment she'd already taken the vanity chair away. I'd gone to the trouble of making space for her and she just stormed off.
I stared at the empty spot, then shook my head. Well, a little over an hour should be fine.
I quietly followed after the huffing Song Haneul and poked my head out. Mom, who was in the living room, had a what is this situation look on her face. I made a comical expression and gestured like she's always like that, and Mom smiled.
It felt like I'd won some kind of agreement, which was satisfying—and I felt an even stronger sense of relief.
We'd gotten away with it... right?
I'd have to be careful from now on.