Something I Wouldn't Do
Once I'd plastered bandages all over my shoulders, I couldn't stop fretting about them.
Other people might not know why they were there, but I did — so every glance felt like it might land on me.
I stared into the mirror, fussing with the nape of my neck, then tried on clothes one piece at a time. Considering the cold, a coat that came up to the collar was fine, which was a relief. It wouldn't cover everything, but a glimpse or two of bandage didn't matter. Thank God it was October. If it had been summer, I might have fretted myself into staying home altogether.
"…You sure you actually know?"
I was halfway out the door when the thought of Song Haneul still inside the house made me scowl. The way he talked, it didn't sound certain at all — just like he was putting on a show of knowing. What if, when the time came to switch back, we couldn't? The worry kept looping until the mental fatigue was no joke. The hardest part was how completely I was being dragged around by whatever Haneul wanted.
"You're really going out alone?"
"Yeah."
"We said we'd stick together while the bodies were swapped."
"That was because we couldn't trust each other. You, specifically."
Rules only mean something when the situation still fits them. Back then, neither of us knew what had happened, and the rule was meant to kill the anxiety of walking around in someone else's body. There was no reason for it now. Haneul was already treating my body like a free-for-all even inside the house — fretting over that was pure nonsense.
I answered him point for point, and Haneul finally ran out of excuses. His lips twisted into a pout. Seeing that expression on my own face was somehow irritating. I couldn't even say I didn't want to look at it — it was my face.
"You dressed warm enough?"
"Yeah. I'm going."
What filled the empty stretch of unemployment before school started again was games and drinking. More precisely, hanging out with the friends I did those things with — solo sessions didn't really count as fun. And eating or drinking with Haneul was a non-starter; who knew how that would end.
I could game alone at home, sure, but the physical difference in reaction speed and control made even me impatient. I couldn't enjoy it anymore. The gap between being Song Hamin and being Song Haneul was so stark it left me vaguely uncomfortable — the clothes I had to wear, the things I had to carry, the way my body changed depending on the cycle. Even my appetite was different. Nothing was consistent. Even as family, the differences ran that deep.
"There's nothing to do."
I'd left because the house felt stifling, but once I was out, there was nowhere to go. Meeting friends was out of the question, and alone I had nothing but a PC bang, so my feet turned that way almost by default. I ended up sitting alone in a café, nursing a coffee and fiddling with my phone. I considered gaming, then realized I couldn't think of a single title, and just sat there blinking blankly.
The shop had the heater running warm, so I shrugged off my coat and twisted my upper body a little.
"Mm."
The bra was the problem — my shoulders ached. More precisely, the enormous chest dragging the straps down. They were so heavy that sometimes it felt like the straps were cutting into the flesh. At least the straps were soft. Without any muscle to speak of, I was completely defenseless.
I rubbed my shoulder and felt the texture of the bandage under my fingertips. I flinched and glanced around, then realized people were paying me far less attention than I'd feared, and let myself relax. If everyone else was acting normal, acting weird myself would only draw more eyes.
"This isn't easy."
Killing time wasn't as simple as it sounded. Watching videos, chatting with friends — there was a limit, and I quit both soon enough.
I was clearing my cup and heading out of the café when someone tapped my shoulder.
"Excuse me—"
"Ah, I'm sorry."
A complete stranger, phone clutched in his hand, started talking. I knew what this was instantly and refused on pure instinct, the words out before I could think.
"Could I at least get your DM?"
It was so pathetic it made me tired.
"Yeah, no. That's not happening."
I'd been stunned the first time this happened. Getting hit with it twice in a row left a bad taste. The bandages didn't matter — it was the two heavy things hanging below that had drawn his eye. I wasn't usually sensitive about stares, but realizing people had been looking at me that way the whole time wasn't exactly comfortable.
Haneul, what are you doing cooped up at home with a face like this? You must have lived pretty well, groping whatever you wanted.
I hated guys coming up for numbers, but maybe Haneul would see it differently? They were only approaching based on the face, so maybe it wasn't even worth discussing. I didn't know how to feel about any of it. Even after turning him down, I kept glancing back to make sure he wasn't following. Knowing he wouldn't still made me flinch.
In the end I cut short my indecision and headed straight for the PC bang.
It was a dimly lit place. Everyone was locked onto their own screens. Here, at least, I wouldn't draw any looks — and since I came often enough, a kind of peace settled over me.
"Aren't we the same genes?"
What the hell was this difference.
As a guy, no woman had ever come up asking for my number. As Haneul, it had already happened twice. Both times when I was out alone — basically a hundred percent hit rate. The thought alone made me want to stay inside. Going out at all was starting to feel like a hassle.
I gamed for a long while, then headed home. I deliberately kept my head down and my shoulders hunched, trying not to be seen, scanning the street like a criminal.
"You're back already? What'd you do out there all by yourself?"
Haneul's eyes went round at how early I'd returned.
"Nothing to do."
"Right?"
I'd thought maybe if men liked you that much, being a woman would be easy — but looking at Haneul's face changed my mind. The complaints he'd once poured out at me in that very face made my lips twitch. Better not to mention what had happened today. It seemed kinder to him that way. I turned my head.
"Yeah. Hit the PC bang once. Your body's half-speed is garbage."
"—You need the habit first before you can say whether it's good or not. You barely even game."
"You should learn while you've got the chance."
"No thanks. You've got friends to play with. I don't."
"Then nothing I can do."
You can play alone even without friends, but if you're the type who enjoys it with people, finding the fun solo can be hard.
"Want to watch a movie? I've got an OTT subscription."
"Since when?"
"Today."
"Today?"
"You looked like you were stuck in the house with nothing to do anyway."
My shoulders twitched. Pointless pride flared up.
"…No, I've got plenty to do."
"What did you even do outside? Going out again?"
"Not that."
"That's what 'nothing to do' means."
But for a freeloader just back from the military, waiting on the re-enrollment date, that kind of pride was empty. Better to shut up than dig myself deeper and fall on my face. He was paying and offering to show me something — no reason to refuse.
He hooked it up to the TV and started flipping through movies. Before I knew it I was on the sofa, trying to decide what to watch. Being outside really was a little exhausting. With a body like this, inside or outside barely seemed to matter.
Would it be better if a guy dressed up more? Haneul got numbers without any of that. I couldn't tell if it was a gender thing or a face thing.
"Hey. Don't you think Mom's going to show up soon?"
Haneul tossed the line out while scrolling through the movie list. My thoughts locked up for a second; the corner of my mouth twitched.
"…Mom?"
"Singapore isn't that far. She's probably sightseeing on the side, right?"
"I don't really know about that."
"Anyway. What do we do when she gets here?"
"What do you mean, what. You said you know how — so we switch back."
Even if I woke up like this again overnight, there was a reason I could still endure it. It was unfair, sure, but the hope of going back was still there.
So what exactly was something I wouldn't do to Haneul?
Sex was already off the list — we'd done that. And surely the answer wasn't oral. Considering we'd swapped while we were both asleep, even Haneul probably didn't know for sure. Or had something already happened while I was out cold? Everything blurred around the edges of consciousness; I couldn't be certain of anything.
I was still half-guessing at the conditions when Haneul suddenly stood up and came back with a bottle of soju. Plain soju — no fruit flavor, just the regular stuff. My face went a little pale. This body already preferred sweet things; pouring bitter liquid straight into it felt like a punishment.
"Drink. I'll switch us."
"Hey — if I drink this, am I actually going under?"
My mouth twitched with nerves. My stomach already felt like it would rebel; I couldn't help hesitating.
"I gave it to you so you'd go under."
"You at least need snacks with it."
"Snacks… haah, fine. Want me to order chicken?"
"Chicken's okay?"
"Why wouldn't it be."
So the plan was just get drunk and pass out? But that didn't explain the bathroom swap. Or had the blackout been so complete I just couldn't remember?
"Then do that."
"You're splitting the cost."
"I will."
Would this get us closer to the answer? Half-wrecking my consciousness probably meant I still wouldn't know. The thought of the burn in my stomach made me uneasy, but the promise of switching back hooked me anyway.
"It's here."
The chicken arrived, and we'd picked a watchable movie. It started playing. I worked my chopsticks, picking up boneless pieces one by one.
"Drink."
He casually cracked the soju and pushed it toward me. I hesitated for a second, but once I took it, I didn't stop. I swallowed the bitterness and chased it with sweet sauced chicken.
"It's starting to hit, huh?"
"Come here."
Haneul pulled me in. My head was heavy; my body swayed and finally went where he led. I ended up on his hard knees, staring blankly ahead.
"What."
"Nothing."
He just held my body tight and stayed still. It didn't feel like anything was happening, but since I didn't know the conditions, I stayed put.
"…Am I heavy?"
"You're light."
"Then fine."
I sniffled and moved my chopsticks again. The chicken crunched cheerfully in my mouth, followed by another bitter pull of soju. Haneul barely ate after pulling me onto his lap, which made me a little self-conscious — like I'd ordered all this just to eat alone.
"You're not eating?"
"I'm fine."
Would this do it? We'd been holding each other in the bathroom that time too. Since I still had no idea, anything that seemed plausible was worth a try. And holding each other like this was, in its own way, something I wouldn't normally do to Haneul.