I Never Meant for This
Song Haneul was already dead drunk and wound up to an extreme. It was the kind of sealed-off, brick-wall situation where nothing I said would get through, and just looking at her was enough to leave me at a loss.
You'd think she'd get tired and collapse once the alcohol hit, but Song Haneul kept hanging on, clinging stubbornly to my body and refusing to let go.
Thanks to that, even while my friends were saying something or other, I couldn't turn my mic on.
"Hey, Song Hamin. You a eunuch or what?"
Normally she wouldn't even come into the room when I was talking with my friends, let alone interrupt.
But once she was drunk enough to latch onto my body without any restraint, we were already well past normal.
Had Song Haneul always been like this?
I didn't think so.
Wiping cold sweat, I tried to keep the game going.
"Get off me for a bit."
"No. No way."
"Why are you throwing a tantrum? It's gross. I told you I have to play."
"I came here to make it up to you, so why do you have to play a game? No. Play with me."
"…Just lie down on the bed. I'll deal with you in a bit."
"Aha, for real?"
Song Haneul steadied her staggering body and crawled onto the bed on all fours.
She flopped into place and stared at me from behind. I hadn't even turned around, but somehow I could feel that gaze.
It felt like a hole was being burned through the back of my head.
I'd been sure everything would be fine once things went back to normal—but had that just been my delusion?
Seeing a side of Song Haneul I'd never witnessed before was even a little unsettling.
I took repeated deep breaths to soothe the awkwardness building inside me.
I was about to resume the game with my friends when I heard muttering from behind.
"When's this gonna end… Maybe I should just jerk off first…"
I'd figured that in that state she'd get tired and fall asleep, so I'd set her aside—but there was no sign of her dozing off anytime soon.
I worried her voice might carry through the headset to my friends, so I had no choice but to mute my mic again.
Once I started noticing it, I kept glancing back after that.
Apparently she hadn't been bluffing—she slipped a hand under her dolphin shorts and started playing with herself.
"Heung, mm. Ah, ang."
The sounds grew thicker and thicker.
Even when I tried not to notice, I couldn't help but notice.
Why? Why was she doing this? What for?
I was confused, but I forced myself to focus on the game. The moment my attention started drifting toward something like that, it felt like losing—and that stubbornness kicked in hard. I bit down on my lip and hammered the keyboard a little harder.
Clack, clack! Clack-clack, tap.
As the rapid-fire keystrokes for landing skills a frame faster kept repeating, Song Haneul's moans quieted somewhat.
Maybe she thought I wasn't paying attention at all and stopped.
Sometimes the best response really is indifference. I let out the tension that had been coiled tight inside me and tried to keep going.
But the moans that pierced through the headset made my body react on its own.
Seeing Song Haneul's body was something I could brush off without much trouble, but hearing it was a completely different sense. Since I almost never had occasion to hear it, I had zero resistance built up.
Song Haneul stopped masturbating, climbed down from the bed, crawled over next to my chair on all fours, and let out a hollow laugh.
"Song Hamin, you're rock hard. Not a eunuch after all, huh? See? I knew it. You were just pretending."
"…Why are you so desperate to prove that?"
"Because I'm sorry. I'm sorry I forced it, so I'll make it up to you instead. Then you won't feel as wronged, right? You said you didn't like me just giving you money."
Apparently she really did feel bad about forcing herself on me when our bodies were swapped.
Thinking of it as her idea of compensation made me feel somehow proud of her and completely speechless at the same time.
How could anyone think of "making it up with sex" as compensation?
No matter how wrong someone was, I didn't think a sibling would ever bring up offering that as payback.
She really was something else.
I was never going to understand how her mind worked.
Annoyed, I waved her off.
"Forget it. I already got the money."
"So if I give you money, you'll do it?"
"No, how does that even follow? I have to play with my friends, so just go already."
"Ugh, always with the game, game, game. Are you a game addict? How many hours has it been?"
Song Haneul huffed, clearly displeased that I was ignoring her and pouring everything into the game.
In the end, I had to leave the party after that match.
With her throwing a fit right next to me like this, I didn't have the confidence to keep playing like nothing was wrong.
"I turned it off, okay? You're not just acting reckless because you know you won't remember once you sober up, right?"
"You think I wouldn't remember something like that?"
She laughed with total confidence, but I didn't trust Song Haneul's memory that much.
Given everything I'd seen and experienced so far, it was hard to believe her so easily.
She was a lightweight with alcohol, too.
Song Haneul plopped down on the floor, sniffled, and started sniffling like she was about to cry. Her eyes grew moist and her lips twisted, working restlessly. Looking down at her from my chair, I already felt a headache coming on.
"So what. You're saying since you're sorry for jumping me, we should call it even if you make it up to me with sex?"
"Yeah."
She nodded without opening her mouth.
If that was the reason, it was somewhat understandable.
Had she downed all that alcohol because she couldn't bring herself to say this sober?
I didn't know the exact reason, but looking at the situation, that seemed the most likely.
"It's your body anyway—what if I just tell you to handle it yourself?"
"I don't… know."
A timid answer came from those fidgeting lips.
She seemed somehow desperate to ease her guilt, which left me with a slightly complicated feeling.
How to put it—she wanted to apologize for what she'd done to some degree, but the whole thing was too serious to just leave it at an apology, so she didn't know what to do.
Well, if something like that could be settled with a simple apology, the world wouldn't treat this kind of thing as a crime.
The only reason I hadn't reported it was that reporting my own body and sending it to prison would have been basically the same thing—so it got brushed under the rug.
Neither just letting it go nor settling it by having her "make it up" with sex made any sense. It was almost funny.
We'd already done it plenty of times, so what was one more?
"You already used up all the condoms. What are we supposed to do?"
"I bought some when I got the booze earlier."
"…Are you serious."
My jaw nearly dropped.
The fact that she'd already been drawing up this big plan before she even started drinking hit me with no small amount of shock.
It was hard to easily accept that Song Haneul wanted this even when she was sober.
With staggering steps she went out to the living room and came back with a plastic bag.
Inside were clearly three boxes.
"Why…?"
Song Haneul stared at her own hand, then bent her fingers one by one.
Apparently the math wasn't working—she furrowed her brow and opened and closed them again.
Then she stuck one folded finger out at me without further thought.
"I'll let you do it nine times."
"Don't tell me that nine includes the times you did it while I was asleep?"
"Well, something like that? Yeah, maybe."
The slightly hazy look on her face as she spoke made it clear she wasn't fully sober.
My heart pounded.
I was already hard from the moans she'd made while masturbating, and Song Haneul's clothes had come somewhat loose and unguarded—the straps and the curves of her chest were blatantly visible.
Add the flushed face and unfocused eyes, and the whole picture felt like I was looking at something I shouldn't, which made me uncomfortable too.
What the hell was I thinking, looking at Song Haneul like this?
"Hoo, sss. How should I do it for you. Want me to let you rape me? Or should we sleep?"
Song Haneul fumbled out of her bra.
Bounce—her breasts sprang free with a violence of their own.
She flung the discarded underwear onto the floor and flopped face-down onto my bed.
She twisted her hips a little, and gradually her pants slid down past her calves.
All that was left was a shirt that showed her nipples and a single pair of panties with a wet stain showing through.
In that somehow heated atmosphere, I clamped a hand over my mouth and swallowed a moan.
Unlike when I was in Song Haneul's body, I was clearly in a state where I could resist with force—so my thoughts multiplied.
If I acted on this here, it would be proof that I was a real bastard, so I kept hesitating.
With the brakes slamming on every single action one after another, my mind went blank.
"Yaa, what are you hesitating for. Down there's already healthy,"
Song Haneul, who had been nuzzling her face into my pillow, peeked out with just her eyes and smiled.
I swallowed hard at those narrowed, slit-like eyes.
If I actually did this, wouldn't I just be an animal?
When our bodies were swapped, at least I could rationalize it as you raping your own body or whatever. Right now there was none of that at all.
I wondered whether family members were even allowed to do something like this.
No—I already knew the answer.
"Crazy…"
"What, you can't even take what's being offered?"
Song Haneul kept lifting her hips slightly right in front of my hesitant eyes and shaking them.
She slipped her fingers under the wet underwear and slowly spread herself, so I could see the shape of it through the fabric.
Every time she did, it hit me differently from the body I'd only ever seen while washing, and my erection wouldn't go down.
Song Haneul seemed to find my state even more entertaining—she rolled her hips.
Thump, thump. Thump, thump.
My heart pounded and my mind grew chaotic.
I stared at the line for a long time, wondering if this was really okay.
When Song Haneul pushed a finger into the hole and started making wet squelching sounds, the last thread of my reason snapped.
I'd thought about wanting to do it with a girl now and then, but I never imagined it would happen with Song Haneul like this.
"We do it, and tomorrow we forget the whole thing…!"
"Mm, since I'm the one asking to call it even."
Song Haneul, thoroughly soaked in alcohol, didn't collapse—she just let out a coquettish voice like she was fawning.
That sweet, cloying tone I'd never heard from her before made me feel strange.
One way or another, it was all a side of her I'd never seen.
Completely different from the Song Haneul I knew.
I couldn't treat her the usual way anymore either.
Sweating buckets, I leaned in.
The sensation of sinking into flesh brought an indescribable tangle of complicated emotions.
Guilt toward our parents. The sense of transgression that could never be shown to society.
At the same time, the pleasure my body felt and the unexpected side Song Haneul was showing me.
Everything mixed and mixed until my head went strange.
I became a fool, and all I knew how to do was rock my hips like a beast.
"I never meant for this…!!"
I squeezed my eyes shut, brows furrowed hard.
When I opened my eyes, I was being crushed under a massive body.
Thud, thud!
The rapidly thrusting hips made my mind go blank.
I'd clearly been the one doing the thrusting, but suddenly I was being stabbed deep inside and my head was spinning.
"Hic, kuh, wait, wai—ah. Uh…!"
"Oh."
Song Haneul must have noticed too—his eyes went wide.
With the alcohol in his system, that hazy mind offered almost no resistance.
Muscular arms held my body and wouldn't let go.
Doing it from behind made a completely different sensation come through strongly compared to before.
The moment I came to my senses, I started coming lightly and tears welled up.