Even Lies Need Sincerity
The living room, once brimming with the lively chatter of the TV, fell into silence at the press of a single power button.
He had turned it off to focus on my words, then tilted his head slightly to the side.
Song Haneul urged an answer simply by staring straight at me.
I hesitated for a moment, but managed to arrange a twisted little smile on my face.
It was possible only because the memory of that moment was still so vivid.
“Earlier you said someone tried to get your number.”
I finally understood what he’d been trying to say back then.
I’d thought it was just some guy pulling a cheap move to get laid, but it wasn’t. When I saw that look in his eyes—like he was genuinely troubled about his own body—I hadn’t even known what to tell him.
I’d never gotten a number or given one out myself, so how could I possibly understand?
But Song Haneul lived in a slightly different world. I’d never once thought we stood in the same place, yet experiencing it firsthand was a real shock.
If I kept hearing things like this one after another, I might start dreading going outside altogether.
“…Yeah? I guess that’s just how it is.”
“Well, Song Haneul’s the same, so why would other guys be any different?”
“What did you just say?”
“You couldn’t hold back and jumped me either, so they’re probably all feeling the same…”
“Are you twisting this around on me?”
Why was he glaring at me so murderously?
Honestly I thought Haneul should be the one with nothing to say for himself, yet I was the one folding.
Not that I had any talent for beating that blood-chilling atmosphere, so I whipped my gaze away.
“Why’d you turn the TV off?”
“To listen to you.”
“Since when have you ever listened to me like that?”
I grumbled under my breath, but Haneul’s mood didn’t shift at all.
“Well, I guess everyone’s the same.”
The words he spat out next made my body flinch hard.
This time I was the one who turned serious.
“Same how?”
“I thought that just like how my body reacts, guys all get reactions too, so that’s why they come on like that—and it made me feel better.”
“Does it really?”
“…Honestly, no.”
Some people say they like being looked at that way, but apparently he wasn’t one of them.
It wasn’t as if there was anything wrong with the body, so why fear the attention? Still, if you went through this often enough, the annoyance and irritation would pile up until it became a real headache.
Depending on which side you weighed more heavily, how you took it was completely different; there was no single right answer.
Haneul stared at the blank TV screen and kept talking.
“In the end they’re only talking to you so they can do that, right?”
“That?”
“Do I have to spell it out?”
“Ah. Sex.”
Instead of any real answer, a sigh came back.
Even among friends we joked around saying stuff like “Ah, I wanna have sex,” so for me it had become an embarrassing yet familiar word.
Haneul clutched his throbbing head and let out a pained sound.
Something about the way his worries were deepening—like he had no idea what to do—felt like a warning from the back of his skull.
I wondered if turning the TV back on might help, but talking felt too awkward, so I fumbled around for my phone instead.
With Haneul sitting alone on the sofa it was hard even to walk past, so I just chose to lie down.
Just as I was thinking there was nothing to do but kill time, a voice floated over.
“I want to do it.”
“…….”
What the hell was this guy saying?
“Are you listening?”
It wasn’t that I didn’t understand. I had simply given up on understanding.
How many people would just say okay when someone suddenly announced they wanted to do it?
I never dreamed he would speak so honestly all of a sudden, so I froze solid without even time to freak out.
“Why, all of a sudden?”
“Because I realized reacting with the body isn’t a weird thing.”
“It is weird, you brat. Why are you getting horny in your own body?”
“Because it’s a guy’s body. Ah, when we switch back I’ll let you do it too.”
When things didn’t go his way he spat the words out like he was frustrated.
At that a shrill voice burst out of me.
Fearing something might happen right that second, I hurriedly sat up straight.
“That’s not the problem, is it?”
Haneul turned his head with a thoroughly displeased expression.
I could already tell he was fully erect.
I hadn’t particularly wanted to know.
I never dreamed he’d get hard again so soon.
I’d only wanted to say “whatever, just move on,” but now I worried that might have given Haneul some kind of justification.
It might already be too late to worry.
Ugh—how would I know without ever really talking to a girl?
After the military there was even less contact, so I had no idea what psychology people approached others with.
Even if he was under the influence of a male body, in the end it was still “Song Haneul.” If I’d known anything at all, maybe things would have been a little better than this.
Was he the type who acted completely recklessly once he got power?
“I feel like I’ve gotten weirder. Just… you know that feeling where you’re aware everyone looks at you that way, but you don’t want to experience it yourself? Kind of.”
“Yeah, I think I get it. That’s exactly how I feel right now.”
“But I keep getting curious—what the hell is it that people go so crazy for? What makes them want it so badly they keep coming on? Once I knew, it just wouldn’t leave my head…”
Watching him clutch his head and ramble on, it already seemed too late.
Even if he weren’t in a guy’s body, his head was probably already full of those kinds of thoughts.
Since taking my body he’d been completely dominated by his lower half.
“Don’t come closer. I’m really not doing this.”
His large frame casting a shadow over me made me go pale.
Sweating, I stretched out a hand.
“Anyway, you stopped midway last time and felt unsatisfied, right?”
“W-well, yeah, but that’s a bit separate, isn’t it?”
Trying to dodge, my body naturally collapsed.
Trying to escape only left me in a position where escape was impossible.
Caught from above, I tried to grab Haneul’s arms to block him.
His large hand moved fast and seized my wrist in a firm grip.
My arm, unable to move, trembled violently.
The corner of my mouth twitched.
“…We don’t even know if the first time might end in pregnancy, and you’re still okay with this?”
“I’ll definitely wear a condom.”
“That’s a given! No—more than that, do we have to?”
“I’d like to. If you do it for me, what should I do for you?”
Haneul seemed to have already made up his mind.
It felt like even if I refused he would force it.
I wanted to kick him in the balls, but those were my balls too.
Worried they might actually break, I couldn’t even move my feet freely.
“I don’t want anything right now?”
“I’ll do everything you say outside. I’ll pay too.”
“You got a lot of money?”
“A bit. Yeah. I don’t spend my allowance much.”
He’d probably just lived off Mom and Dad’s cards.
It was a structure where money piled up inevitably.
Anyway, we’d already done it once or twice—maybe it was already too late?
I’d been planning to take care of myself, but if it was hard, maybe just leaving it to him wouldn’t be so bad.
Even if the body was tough, thinking we’d switch back meant it was basically Haneul using his own body however he pleased, so did I really need to feel weird about it?
Thinking of the actual relationship, of course, it was completely insane nonsense.
“If the bodies hadn’t switched, you wouldn’t have done this to me, right?”
“Back then I wouldn’t have. But if we switch back, I’m willing to do it for you.”
“Empty words.”
Haneul bit his lip hard.
“You don’t look at me that way.”
“…Am I crazy enough to?”
“So I don’t know.”
I made a “huh?” face, but Haneul didn’t seem to want to continue this atmosphere and simply pulled my body closer.
Seeing him frown so hard, he clearly had thoughts of his own.
I had no way of knowing what they were, so it was just frustrating.
“What are you trying to say?”
“Even if we switch back, you won’t ask me to do it for you. That’s what I’m saying.”
“I don’t get horny looking at you either, so why do you…”
“That’s why I think I’m crazy too.”
“I know.”
He shut his mouth tightly, then spat out words mixed with a sigh.
“Song Hamin is asking for a beating.”
“Ah, seriously—this time you started it.”
“It’s hard to clean up after. Want to go to the bathroom?”
“…Doesn’t it feel weird even to you saying that?”
“No.”
The way he played completely dumb was top-notch.
He whipped his gaze away like he had no idea what I meant.
I didn’t know about when he was a girl, but making that face with a guy’s face felt a little strange.
It was like a sense of dissonance from feminine feelings seeping into the actions and speech.
“Then just let me change clothes a bit.”
“Okay.”
Haneul moved off me.
At least he said he’d prepare, so he let me go obediently—that was a relief.
I went into the room and carefully closed the door.
“Ah, it won’t lock.”
“Hey, don’t pull any tricks.”
He must have been holding the doorknob from outside; it wouldn’t lock.
I’d thought about locking the door and holding out until the lust subsided, but that clearly wasn’t happening.
This helpless feeling of wanting to run but having nowhere to go—where was I even supposed to complain about it?
Nowhere to talk. Nowhere to run.
And no ability to deal with that either.
What the hell could I even do?
It felt like he knew perfectly well I couldn’t do anything and was acting like this on purpose.
I couldn’t solve it with force, couldn’t report it, so I just had to take it—my situation was nothing but pitiful.
“Are you really going to do it?”
“I said I want to.”
“—Ah, this is really something we shouldn’t do.”
“Because we’re family?”
At that the corner of my mouth twitched.
“Yeah, because we’re family.”
“I’m fine with you.”
Haneul tried to coax me with empty words he didn’t mean.
The problem was that it was such absurd nonsense it couldn’t even work as empty words.
“Ah, bullshit.”
“Yeah, bullshit—so hurry out.”
When I kindly flipped him the middle finger, it got grabbed right away.
There was weight but the strength was weak, so I couldn’t resist and got dragged out of the room.
Groaning like a sheep being led to the slaughterhouse, I headed for the bathroom.
“Ah, even if you’re lying, put some effort into it!”
“I like Song Hamin.”
“Aargh.”
I really shouldn’t have said anything.