Didn't Clean It Up

One torn condom and two plump, thoroughly used ones.

Clutching my throbbing head, I pieced it together and remembered something about finishing outside or whatever. That meant we'd already done it at least three times, which was hard to believe no matter how I turned it over in my mind.

"Hey, you... you're a real animal, you know that?"

Just the fact that our bodies had swapped already made it hard enough to go outside and function, and getting blindsided like this on top of it made me furious. Watching myself try to keep it under control without even realizing it only made the anger boil harder.

I stomped into the kitchen with irritated strides and found him with his back turned, grilling meat. He'd said he was hungry, and sure enough he was actually cooking himself a meal. The sheer absurdity of it left me speechless.

"Huh? What'd you say?"

"You're out of your goddamn mind..."

When something was this ridiculous, the words just wouldn't come. All that escaped me was a sigh, and since I didn't have any good way to handle it, I just scowled.

He stared at my dead-serious face for a moment, then set out two sets of utensils.

"Wanna eat?"

"You can actually swallow food right now? Three times in one night already... no, wait, you might've kept going after I passed out. Be honest. How many times?"

"Three..."

"God... what the hell is wrong with you. I've never even done that kind of thing with my own body."

My head was killing me. I gripped the throbbing temples and swallowed the irritation. The stress from earlier still hadn't settled, and it wasn't settling now either.

"...I can't control it either."

"Bullshit."

"It's like this body just has a high sex drive. You, on the other hand, don't even feel like jerking off at all, do you?"

"So what? Why not just jerk off instead of coming after me?"

"I figured since it's my body anyway, it should be fine..."

The way he fidgeted made my teeth grind. I strode over and jabbed my finger hard into his solar plexus, over and over. It probably didn't hurt much, but that wasn't the point. I just wanted it to feel unpleasant.

"What the hell do you mean, 'fine'? Do whatever you want with your own body, I don't care, but you don't get to do that with mine. What if I get pregnant? You gonna take responsibility for that?"

"You won't get pregnant. The timing's off."

"Oh, for—!"

The answer left me so dumbfounded I froze. The sheer meticulousness of calculating the cycle on top of everything else was enough to make me reel. Sure, some of it might have been heat-of-the-moment, but it also meant he'd done the math and decided it was probably okay. So had he tried it once before, decided it was fine, and then gone out and bought condoms?

If he'd calculated it that carefully, it was even more of a shock. The answer made the world tilt, like I was being sucked down into some bottomless pit I couldn't name.

"It's like I'm not me, and you're not you."

‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠

"What?"

"Honestly, this is the first time I've ever looked at my own body like this. So maybe that's why there's no resistance... I feel bad about it, but my sense of things is getting weird."

He had plenty to say, apparently, and started rambling. I didn't particularly want to listen, but I was curious what the hell had been going through Song Haneul's head when he did all that, so I kept my scowl in place and paid attention.

"And?"

"Think about it. Looking down at you like this is a first for me. Watching you do things in that body is a first. Me watching it ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠happen is a first too."

"……."

"I think that's why it hit harder."

Was the irritation rising because I was just extra sensitive right now? I tried to stay calm and unpack what he meant. "Stay calm" wasn't exactly the right phrase after the night I'd just had, but still.

For the sake of the atmosphere at home and my own life, I had no choice but to keep my mouth shut for now. I'd been the one who got jumped, but the body itself was Song Haneul's. My thoughts tangled. Just the fact that our bodies had swapped was enough to scramble every sense of recognition I had. That didn't make what he'd done okay, though.

"Is something burning...?"

"Ah, the meat—!"

Song Haneul dashed over to the frying pan, but it was already too late; he started snipping off the charred surfaces with scissors. Thinly sliced meat, almost like it had been planed, landed on the table. He'd clearly expected me to eat, because a set of utensils had been placed on my side too.

He did seem a little sorry, at least—he wasn't just ignoring me and was trying to approach. Maybe it was easier for him to act casual because he hadn't been the one on the receiving end. Or maybe he figured that if he just behaved normally, things would gradually get better. I had no idea how I was supposed to act in a situation like this. I'd never even imagined it, so figuring out a response was tricky. I doubted it would have been any different even if I'd been born a woman.

My sense of things was getting weird, he'd said?

What I was looking at right now was me. The me I'd seen in the mirror for over twenty years. The packaging was different from the contents; the contents were Song Haneul. But to actually see Song Haneul, I had to look in a mirror. It wasn't as simple as the wrapper and the filling having switched places. Everything was tangled up, and now there was this mess on top of it. My head ached.

"Eat."

"……."

"You're not gonna?"

"Not hungry."

"You'll get the yo-yo effect. Just put something in your mouth."

I couldn't tell if he was worrying about the body I currently occupied or what. I sat down anyway and picked up the utensils. Why did I hesitate even a little?

I ate roughly and was the first to leave the table. I went into the room, sat blankly on Song Haneul's bed, and just stared. My mind kept drifting into thought, and I wasn't even sure if those thoughts were proper ones.

My crotch itched. The itch mixed with pain refused to leave. Scratching did nothing, and pinching it lightly only made it ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠hurt worse. I had no idea what to do about it, and remembering the night only made me dizzy all over again. Even if his sense of things had changed, how could he do something like that? Maybe he'd done it thinking that even though he wasn't himself, the body itself had originally been his? The unanswered questions just kept piling up.

People, when you really try to explain the reasons behind their actions, hit a wall every now and then. This was one of those times. When someone doesn't even know why they did something, the answer is usually instinct.

"Was it the alcohol?"

Come to think of it, we'd drunk too. That could explain it. Claiming that drunk behavior equaled rape was a bit of a stretch, but without any resistance toward a male body or any immunity to a female one, it was possible to get turned on. Losing control of your sex drive and getting aroused by a woman's body—when that body happened to be your own—was absurd, but it wasn't completely impossible. People said humans were slaves to their hormones, after all. And if you started recognizing yourself as someone else entirely, who knew what could happen.

"Hey... Song Hamin."

"What."

"If you're that worried, want me to go buy a pregnancy test?"

"Buy one or don't. It's your body."

"We agreed to go out together."

"Since when have you ever followed the rules that carefully."

It had only been two weeks and this disaster had already happened. Did the rules even mean anything anymore? Whether he went alone or we went together, what did it matter.

"Fine."

Song Haneul left in a slightly subdued voice. Not long after, he came rushing back and pulled two boxes out of a bag, holding them out to me.

"Want some snacks too? I've got cola."

"Give it here."

I wasn't doing anything and my mouth was bored, so it worked out well.

"How about this one?"

"Got anything else?"

"This?"

"Yeah, that."

I rustled through the snacks, picked one, and tore it open right there. The sugar helped a little. I didn't particularly love sweet things, but eating them somehow improved my ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠mood. Having a different body really did change how you took things in—food, alcohol tolerance, everything.

Thinking about it that way, it was hard to easily predict what Song Haneul was feeling right now. Understanding someone who isn't you is always difficult, they say, and even with the bodies swapped, all I could do was register the physical state. I still couldn't understand the Song Haneul of this moment. At least I'd understood that I couldn't understand him. Maybe that was enough.

"You know how to use that?"

"...No. How do you do it?"

"You pee on it. You know two lines means pregnant, right?"

"I know that much."

I knew, but the method was a bit of a hassle. First step was going to the bathroom, so I cracked open the cola and chugged it. It felt like it cleared some of the stuffiness in my chest.

"Give it to me as soon as you're done."

I finished the bag of snacks in silence and stood up. I tossed the trash, stepped into the bathroom, and just kept sighing. He'd said he'd calculated the timing, so there probably wasn't anything to worry about. Still, rough estimates and actual human confirmation were different things, so I had to be careful. If I could check properly just once and put my mind at ease, it would be cheap insurance.

The problem was the method itself. It was a little embarrassing. Different from when a guy took a urine test.

"...Tsk."

I clicked my tongue and my hands trembled. I squeezed my eyes shut and left it to the body.

"Done?"

"Just washing my hands."

At the voice from outside the door, I scrubbed my hands like I had OCD. A woman's body was definitely inconvenient. It was so short it was basically buried in the flesh, so things tended to dribble. I finally understood firsthand why people always said to wipe carefully after using the bathroom.

"Just lay it flat."

"Yeah."

I answered curtly, but Song Haneul casually laid the pregnancy test carefully on the clean dining table like it was nothing.

"Looks like nothing's showing."

"...Yeah."

There was nothing special to react to, so I just let it go. If it showed positive, we were screwed. If it didn't, it was both expected and a relief. That was about it.

"Ah, phone."

Just as the house had gone quiet, my phone rang. The word "Dad" on the screen made both our eyes go wide.

"Uh, hello?"

Crap. I'd been rejecting all my friends' calls for exactly this reason, but the moment I saw it was Dad I answered without thinking. My mouth worked uselessly for a second before I scrambled to remember how Song Haneul usually talked to him.

"Ah—ah, Song Ha— I mean, Song Hamin said he was heading to the convenience store but left his phone here...!"

"Huh? No, no. We don't need anything!"

My voice turned urgent as I thumped Song Haneul hard on the shoulder. This was no time to be reeling from the shock of nearly getting caught.

"Yes, okay."

The second the call ended, Song Haneul—who'd been listening beside me—also freaked out.

"He's just showing up with no warning and he's already right outside?"

"Get out there, now. I said you went to the convenience store."

"Ah, come on. Hold on a sec..."

"Leave the phones."

Because we'd been using each other's phones, they'd naturally ended up swapped. Worried Dad might find it strange, I snatched the one he was holding.

"Dad doesn't notice stuff like that."

"I already said you left it behind. You think Dad's gonna carefully check the model?"

"True. Shit, I just got back."

"Just say you went up the stairs, realized you didn't need anything, and came back."

I shoved Song Haneul out the door. Maybe this was what I'd wanted from the start.

Just as my mood was starting to improve a little, I heard the door open. It had been a while since he'd last come by; he got the passcode wrong a couple of times before finally appearing.

"Well, well. Long time no see."

"Ah— Dad, welcome home..."

Facing Dad while being Song Haneul made my stomach twist. My heart pounded with the fear that I might slip up any second.

"What's this?"

Dad ambled in, glanced at the table, and casually picked something up with one hand. In the rush to shove only Song Haneul out the door, I'd completely forgotten about the pregnancy test sitting right there in the open.

Ah. I didn't clean that up.