When You Wake Up
I tried to act like nothing had happened. The effort it took wasn't all that great.
The exhaustion filling me after rocking my hips late into the night, drunk on a sensation I'd never experienced before, saw to that.
Song Hamin woke me first thing in the morning, and when I offered no particular reply or unusual reaction, she seemed to find it odd and left the room alone.
Lying around late wasn't like me either, so I got up and went out to find her playing games. Because it was my face, the subtle shifts in the facial muscles stood out. Rather than enjoying herself, her expression was full of worry and concern.
I pulled out the damp bedding that had dried stiff and asked how she was doing, only for her to mumble vaguely instead. I glanced at the chest I'd stripped bare last night and never redressed, then took out a fresh bra for her. Watching her put it on quietly, it seemed she was getting used to it by now.
Song Hamin refused everything all day, as if she had no appetite whatsoever. She even turned down drinking, so it was hard to tell whether my plan to act normal had worked or not.
Was it a relief that she didn't confront me about it right away?
"...I must be crazy."
My head was burning. Having committed an act that should never have been done, it lingered like a knot for quite a while. It might have felt refreshing in the moment, but now I had to endure this damn sticky, slimy feeling that clung like the semen I'd spilled, refusing to wipe away no matter what.
If only I'd held back. If only I hadn't done it, I wouldn't have to feel this way.
A bit of regret circled through my mind. I gulped down cold water to soothe my pounding heart.
Since it seemed to have blown over somehow for now, I might as well do my own work. I sat in front of the unused computer in her room and started writing.
Whether it was a morning drama or whatever, any scenario that could get into a broadcasting company was fine. Becoming a broadcast writer was good; becoming a scenario writer was good. For now, being able to work in a related field was enough.
But.
But how?
One question stopped the hands that had been tapping the keyboard. In this state, no matter how good a scenario I wrote, there was no answer. I couldn't exactly get a job in Song Hamin's body, could I?
Even thinking of writing in advance for when we switched back, I wasn't sure. From the start, it wasn't a situation where I could concentrate.
Every time I sank into thought to write, the sticky memories of last night refused to let me go. The letters I blankly typed following that memory were rejection phrases like No, don't.
Because last night, I'd basically forced Song Hamin—who couldn't even hold herself up properly from the alcohol—down onto the bed. The reason my heart kept racing and this sticky emotion wouldn't drop was because it was my fault.
If we'd both said it was okay, then maybe it would have remained in memory as an act that should never have happened even once in a relationship that shouldn't be like that.
"...Still, it would have stayed in memory for a long time."
Thinking about it, it still didn't seem right. Given who the other person was, it was hard to forget easily.
I'd done something absurd. That single thought wouldn't leave, making it impossible to concentrate. There was regret for having done it needlessly, but it wasn't pure regret either.
When I saw Song Hamin's expression, the feeling of my conscience being pricked kept flickering. An expression that seemed like it would rise every time I closed my eyes. Something that originally would never have happened.
If our bodies hadn't switched, I wouldn't have demanded it, and if Song Hamin had demanded it, I might have just flipped her the middle finger. But the moment we experienced the unusual situation of body-swapping, I was possessed by something and ended up fucking her.
It was like putting into action words I'd never spoken aloud before the body swap, even if I'd harbored curiosity.
"Aargh."
The problem was that this stupid lower half stood up again in the middle of it. Does it even make sense that it reacts on its own just from thinking those things?
"It'll get better after I sleep on it."
Just sighing doesn't produce answers. Without having written anything proper, I just deleted it all and decided to forget.
There's no way I could forget. Especially after having such an intense experience.
Who in this world has ever experienced fucking their own body? When I was Song Haneul, I would have drawn a line saying it was a bit much to go that far. The complacent compromise that since it was my body, it was okay to relieve the unbearable urges with this current body had arbitrarily created this situation.
"I'm going crazy..."
From morning I had an erection and made a mess spilling weird stuff. Whether I'd come in my sleep, transparent sticky liquid was smeared all over my underwear. Wetting the bed while sleeping was something I did as a clueless kid, but to be spilling this as a grown-up.
With a woman's body you just accept it because of periods, but men don't have periods—what the hell is this? My cock standing stiff and refusing to go down was the problem. I needed to calm this down somehow to leave the room or anything, but there was no sign of it cooling off.
It was because I'd dreamed of fucking Song Hamin. The part that originally I would have been careful with, saying it was a place I'd never poked before, I'd just shoved in thinking it was fine since it was my own body.
"Fuck it."
I squeezed my eyes shut, grabbed a pair of underwear from the closet, and rushed out of the room. Remembering that doing something else would calm it down somewhat, I decided to do laundry.
"Ah."
"Uh."
"...No, I was a bit like that this morning."
"Uh, yeah."
I got caught right in an awkward situation. I took that frustration out on the underwear I'd been wearing. In a situation where we'd decided to leave the room doors open, overlapping in the bathroom should be rare, but facing that face made the guilt double.
I scrubbed hard and caught my breath. I closed my eyes and thought of what to say. By the time I'd thought of everything, the laundry was done too. And resolving my lower half the same way.
"Song Hamin, you look low-energy today too, like yesterday?"
Before that incident, we definitely used to chat cheerfully. We'd talk amicably, or bicker and fight. One side being unilaterally depressed only happened when something really big occurred. The thought that I needed to resolve it because the cause was the incident with me circled in my head.
It was a bit awkward to keep seeing that face. If I saw that expression even after switching back, I'd be in trouble too.
What should I say? What words should I bring up to return to the playful times? Pulling out the whole day's events with an apology was a bit much.
"Ah, it's nothing."
"Is it because of what we did after drinking yesterday?"
"...A little. Since the film cut out, it's a bit... that."
The way she slightly scrunched her face made a corner of my chest ache.
"It doesn't make sense in the first place. Even if we're like friends, we're family."
"Th-that's true, but."
"I don't know. I can't get a feel for it. Should I say it's more unpleasant because I don't remember?"
"You said you liked it too. That it felt good... If you come out like this, I'm in a bind too."
I'm going crazy too. Afraid she'd look at me with contempt. Afraid she'd curse me to my face. Even if everything was my fault, I was scared of just getting cursed out, so I ended up lying.
"It's harder because I don't remember, that's why."
Song Hamin made an expression like she had no idea what was going on. Frustrating. Even after lying, this situation where nothing was resolved. I got annoyed at this situation that wouldn't progress at all.
"You won't even get pregnant. Your biological rhythm is fucked so you can't get pregnant."
"Th-that, in the first place, the one who was penetrated was my body. Whatever happens, it'd be a problem for everyone. Even so, just because it's your body..."
"Why are you only talking like it's my fault? Since the one doing the penetrating has the upper hand if we're going to do it, so it's my responsibility?"
The frustrated emotions that had been building in the hopeless situation finally poured out.
"No, that's not it... Since drinking seems to make you not in your right mind, let's avoid alcohol."
As if she'd run out of things to say, she quickly changed the subject. Getting annoyed doesn't solve anything. The frustration still clung stickily. From the start, both the other person and the situation were all problems, so it might be unavoidable.
"I can't even leave the house, adapting to the switched body is hard, everything's just difficult and I'm going crazy too."
"...Sorry. I don't even know what I said... I've never been that drunk before so I must not have been in my right mind."
Song Hamin scrunched her face and pinched the bridge of her nose.
"It's fine. Stop scrunching your face like that."
"Got it. It's not like it clears up right away yet, so understand a bit."
"Oki. Breakfast?"
"...Ah, yeah."
For now, I succeeded in getting her to the breakfast table. Yesterday had been so frustrating the whole time, but it felt like it was clearing up just a little.
"Hey."
"Yeah?"
"But... when I was drunk, did I really say it was okay?"
Song Hamin finally brought up what she couldn't ask yesterday. The problem was that I hadn't heard those words either, so I froze for a moment.
"Y-yeah. Right? When I said I was so drunk my dick was hard on its own and I was gonna die, you were like..."
"Ah, stop, stop..."
"I haven't even said what you said."
"I don't want to hear it anymore. I must be crazy."
"......"
"Even if we drink, nothing comes of it, so we don't really need to drink, right?"
Song Hamin stared blankly down at the bowl as if at a loss. She stirred the soggy cereal inside.
"You never know. Aiming for next month is a method too... Ah, maybe the standard is before the period? Originally a week, so right around then."
"Does that make sense?"
"I don't know. Whatever it is, something that didn't make sense happened."
When I answered casually, Song Hamin tilted her head too.
"Is that so?"
I don't know either.
"Then until then, maybe we shouldn't drink..."
"You never know."
"Never know?"
Still, just waiting until then is frustrating, so I end up saying something.