I Won't Give In So Easily
I resolved not to let my anger melt away so easily.
I still had a stronger male identity.
While I certainly felt like Yu Nabi was me, my memories, after all, flowed directly from Yu Garam.
Not that I had much opportunity to express my masculinity in my past life.
After all, I had spent my days bedridden in a hospital bed.
Whether I had a bulge or a gap between my legs hadn't really mattered back then.
But one's original gender isn't something that changes so easily, is it?
Call it inertia.
No matter what, my identity was still anchored as a male.
On the other hand, my body was, without a doubt, that of a pretty young girl.
Now I finally understood why the ancient sages talked about the "balance of mind and body."
Having a male mind in a female body was far more exhausting than I had ever imagined.
"It looks great on you. Excuse me, could you show us that white dress over there too?"
"Of course. I'll bring it right over."
"M-Mom. Haven't we bought enough already?"
"What are you talking about? When else are you ever going to come out if not now? Hurry up and try it on."
"Okay..."
I couldn't find the words to argue back.
I practically fled into the fitting room before anyone else's eyes could lock onto me.
The girl in the mirror wore an incredibly exhausted expression.
The department store was a far more tiring place than I had anticipated.
Maybe it was the stuffy air, but I felt like my life force was being drained with every breath.
If this were a game, my interface would probably be cluttered with multiple debuff icons.
The worst part was that every single outfit she made me try on actually suited me.
They say the face completes the fashion.
This astonishing appearance of mine created a perfect aesthetic no matter what I wore.
Dress casually, and it was a campus look; dress neatly, and it became an office look.
"It really looks good on you. I wonder who my daughter got her looks from to be this pretty. Let's get this one too."
The most devastating ones were the outfits that emphasized a certain delicate, fragile charm.
It was especially provocative when an off-the-shoulder top revealed my collarbones, or when semi-transparent lace offered a peek of skin.
Even without any excessive exposure, it had a magnetic pull that drew the eye.
If it looked like that to an amateur like me, it must have been even more striking to others.
Mom's shopping cart was filled to the brim with feminine, girly clothes.
In short, there were barely any pants—only skirts.
I desperately wanted to stop her, but arguing with my mother in the middle of a crowded department store was an impossible task for me.
Just the passing glances of strangers or the sales clerks were enough to seal my mouth shut.
I was absolutely sure of it.
Mom had brought me to the department store knowing exactly how I would react.
Resentment piled up quietly in the depths of my heart.
My patience finally reached its limit at the lingerie section.
"Oh dear. We don't have that model in her size..."
In Korea, finding underwear that fit a large chest was a challenge.
Every time Mom mentioned my size, the clerks' eyes would inevitably drift down to my chest.
It was a truly, truly agonizing experience.
My face flushed so red that I couldn't lift my head.
Tears welled up in the corners of my eyes.
Consequently, by the time the shopping spree ended, I was completely sulking.
"Mom's sorry, okay? Don't be mad."
"..."
"We're all done now. Let's go get something delicious. Hmm? I'll buy whatever you want to eat, Nabi."
I pretended not to hear.
It was a bit ridiculous to act like this while holding her hand so tightly, but I had no choice.
If I didn't hold her hand in a crowded place like this, my anxiety would spiral out of control.
Anyway, my face had been burning hot all day.
Mom had pretended not to notice, even though she knew exactly what she was doing.
There were even moments where I suspected she was actually enjoying it.
And now that the shopping was over, she was dangling bait in front of me.
Did she think I was some child who would immediately cheer up over a bit of food?
I wasn't just throwing a tantrum because I had been embarrassed.
If I let it slide easily this time, she would definitely do the exact same thing next time.
I had to show my anger properly now to prevent history from repeating itself.
Today, I would absolutely not let my guard down so easily.
"How is it? Delicious, right?"
"Yes!"
Whoa, what is this?
It's way thinner than the delivery pizzas I've had, so I didn't expect much.
But I can't believe it tastes this good.
Is this the difference in quality when you eat directly at a restaurant?
The tanginess of the tomatoes and the savory richness of the cheese literally exploded in my mouth.
"Aren't you glad we came out?"
"I-I wouldn't go that far."
"Shall we get dessert after we finish eating? Mom knows a really good place."
"I want to go!"
The place Mom brought me to was a high-end pasta restaurant near the department store.
I had a small appetite.
Rather than ordering a lot of dishes, I found it much more satisfying to eat one well-crafted meal.
In that regard, this restaurant's pasta and pizza passed with flying colors.
I was almost worried that I would crave it again because it was just too delicious.
I also liked the quiet atmosphere and the partitions between the tables.
Since I couldn't see anyone else, I could focus entirely on my meal.
I pressed my fork against a spoon and twirled it.
As the white cream pasta entered my mouth, a silly grin spread across my face without me even realizing it.
Mom watched me with a warm, pleased expression.
"Nabi."
"Yeah?"
"How is your dream of becoming a pro gamer going? Is it going well?"
"Um, for now? Actually, I'm not really sure."
If I had to answer honestly, I suppose it was going well.
But playing a game for a long time doesn't guarantee you'll be good at it.
It was quite common for people to remain stuck in the lower tiers even after grinding ranked games for years.
Moreover, I hadn't even played that many games; I was merely someone who had watched a lot of them.
There was no guarantee that someone like me would suddenly start playing Infinity Realm and excel at it.
Though, rendering those worries useless, I was currently eyeing the very top tiers.
It was safe to say I had overcome a major hurdle.
I wondered if this was enough to brag to Mom about.
"I know it's not an easy path."
But I still had a long way to go.
I was merely 'eyeing' the top tier; I hadn't actually achieved it yet.
I had watched a lot of pro leagues.
Truly. I had watched enough to confidently say I was more dedicated than anyone else in the world.
Because of that, I knew all too well how brutal the world I admired could be.
There were countless people dreaming of becoming pro gamers.
Every season, new players entered, and others faded away.
Surely, all of them were incomparably better at gaming than the average person.
Yet, there was always a bigger fish in the sea.
While many players achieved a brilliant golden age, far more stumbled and disappeared.
So, not yet.
It wouldn't be too late to brag once I had actual results to show.
I still wanted to run further.
Listening quietly, Mom's smile softened even more.
"Actually, Mom was really worried when you asked for that gaming console."
"Really? You bought it for me without saying much, though."
"It had been so long since you expressed a desire to do anything. I was just worried that it happened to be gaming."
I understood what she meant.
Hearing it now, it was actually quite surprising.
My mother's profession was a lawyer.
I heard she mainly handled civil law, but she wouldn't be completely ignorant of other matters.
She must have heard countless stories of people driven to the edge after their lives fell apart.
Her shut-in daughter suddenly called one day, asking for a gaming console.
Naturally, she would worry. Worry that I might fall into gaming and never come out.
Yet, at her daughter's single request of wanting to try something, she spent a fortune without asking a single question.
"But looking at your expression just now, I don't think I need to worry too much."
"Why? Did I make a weird face?"
"No? My daughter doesn't look weird no matter what face she makes."
"P-Please don't do that... It's embarrassing."
My mom was a hopelessly doting parent.
A shamelessly doting parent.
"There are some people I helped in the past. I don't know much about games, but the people I helped back then were famous pro gamers."
"Who are they? Maybe someone we saw earlier?"
"That director is famous too, but it's someone else."
A username didn't immediately come to mind.
Not because I didn't know any, but because I knew too many.
Since the number of pro gamers I remembered wasn't just one or two, no single name stood out.
"If you want, I can ask them to take a look at your play. I'm sure it'll help. They're still working with pro teams. Your mom's network is wider than you think, you know?"
My eyes widened at Mom's words.
I even forgot about the delicious pasta for a moment.
This was a massive opportunity.
The esports industry was a world where skill was everything.
But were there really no undiscovered gems?
If you had outstanding skills, you would eventually become a pro gamer.
However, no one could predict whether that "eventually" would come sooner or later.
An opportunity to be tested by someone associated with a pro team would undoubtedly give me a massive advantage.
If I passed, it would be amazing, and even if I failed, I would receive invaluable advice.
I was so overwhelmed that I even started to stutter.
Wait. Did I always do that?
"N-Not right now...! Later. I'll tell you when I'm a bit more prepared. Not yet. I'm still lacking."
"Alright. When that time comes, Mom will definitely help you."
"Okay!"