The Weight of Envy

God, I really am an idiot…

It took the Lene stans an embarrassingly long time to finally admit that my method wasn't wrong.

“I'm glad to see that all of you are capable of acknowledging your own mistakes…”

Of course, there were still some Lene stans who refused to admit their misjudgment… but at least I had proven myself with results.

Still, I had turned on the stream to explain myself and reveal the truth… and now that everyone knew I was a girl, what was I supposed to do next?

I could just end the broadcast, but with this many people watching, I wanted to give them something more.

“Umm… everyone? Now that it's been revealed that I'm a girl, is there anything else you're curious about…?”

I couldn't think of anything right away, but if I kept the conversation going like this, maybe something would come to mind?

That was the kind of question that caught my eye as I scanned the chat with that thought in mind.

“No. I live alone. I'm an orphan.”

I had answered without thinking.

“Alright, that's it for today. Tyu-ba~.”

With those final words, Tyuni ended her stream.

What came rushing in was a wave of mental exhaustion.

Leaning back against the soft cushion of her gaming chair, Tyuni quietly stared up at the ceiling.

“I'm so tired…”

In the streaming world, Tyuni was undeniably a bottom feeder. It was rare for her to break fifty average viewers. She was the kind of small-time streamer who memorized every single username that showed up in her chat.

Of course, every big-name streamer starts from the bottom, but after more than three years of being stuck there, those words felt like nothing but empty comfort to Tyuni.

“Haa…”

She loved talking with people. She loved being the center of attention. That was why she had started streaming in the first place.

When she first began, Tyuni had been confident she would succeed. Her neat and pretty appearance contrasted perfectly with her straightforward, no-filter personality, and on top of that, she had an energetic vibe. Those three traits had made her popular with both boys and girls back in school.

She had thought those qualities would translate well to internet streaming, but unfortunately, that kind of personality was pretty common in this industry. And so she had remained at the bottom for over three years.

The peak of her viewer count had come when Lene's nuclear controversy brought a flood of trolls into her stream, so there was no need to explain further.

“This is so annoying.”

I'm working this hard, so why isn't anything changing?

Those negative thoughts began to consume Tyuni's mind.

In the past, she hadn't thought this way even when her viewer count was low. But lately, the moment she ended a stream, she found herself getting irritated at everything. Even when she talked to her friends, her tone was sharp. She'd grit her teeth over the smallest problems.

The only saving grace was that none of this had leaked into her actual broadcasts. It was proof that the three years of experience she'd built up hadn't been wasted. But inside, the pressure had been building for a while now.

If she left it like this, it was only a matter of time before it exploded on stream too.

“Why am I…”

Why did these negative feelings keep piling up?

Tyuni already knew the answer.

“Huu…”

On Liming's recommended streams, the name Lene was displayed at the top. Just seeing it made Tyuni's brow furrow again.

She already knew. Lene hadn't done anything wrong. She had simply streamed, and the viewers had simply enjoyed it.

But even so, a question kept nagging at Tyuni.

“Why not me?”

Why was a stream like that—so full of absurd reasons for taking breaks and lacking any real reactions during gameplay—more popular than hers?

Tyuni had poured everything into streaming for over three years. She had worked hard to make her content more entertaining, to make sure her viewers had fun. Yet she was still a nobody, while someone who knew nothing about internet broadcasting was suddenly climbing into the big leagues.

Jealousy swallowed her whole. Even though Lene had done nothing wrong, Tyuni couldn't help but resent her.

Lene was the first fellow streamer Tyuni had ever gotten to know. No matter how bad their first meeting had been, she had wanted to cherish her.

Even now, when Lene's stream had grown far bigger than hers, whenever something went wrong, Lene still relied on Tyuni.

Tyuni knew she shouldn't feel jealousy or resentment toward someone like that… but as she looked at the ever-rising wall of reality, she couldn't help but search for someone to blame.

She lives in a nice house. That whole “I don't have money” thing was obviously a lie, right? If she just turned her camera on, she'd have way more viewers than she does now. She's definitely doing this on purpose. Is she making fun of other hardworking bottom-feeder streamers? Is this all just an act? Must be nice to ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠have an easy life. With a face like that and enough money to live in a place like that since she was twenty… Meanwhile, some of us work ourselves to death and still go nowhere…

Tyuni hated herself for harboring such malice toward Lene, but unfortunately, the jealousy burning in her heart was stronger than any self-reproach.

“…Haa.”

With a sigh, Tyuni clicked on Lene's stream thumbnail. She told herself it was to study the techniques of a streamer who was currently on the rise, but deep down, she was mostly looking for anything strange she could criticize in private. That was the only way she could ease this jealousy even a little.

“Oh right, she did say her gender got exposed.”

Muttering to herself—a habit she'd picked up from streaming—Tyuni crossed her legs. So the explanation was over, and now she was moving on to another topic?

As Tyuni tried to guess what Lene was thinking—

“…Huh?”

What the hell did that mean? Even though she wasn't on a call with Lene, Tyuni almost said it out loud.

Thinking back on Lene's words, Tyuni pictured what her house looked like. It was huge. Way too big for one person. At least three people could live there comfortably. So of course Tyuni had assumed Lene lived with her family. Since she had said she was Korean now, Tyuni had figured the whole family had moved to Korea together.

But now that she thought about it… Lene's house was definitely spacious, but there hadn't been a single trace of anyone else's belongings. No signs that anyone other than Lene had ever lived there.

The sudden bombshell left ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠the chat freezing over in shock.

But Lene seemed genuinely confused about what the problem was. As if… she had grown far too used to this kind of reaction.

Even as the Lene stans tried to play it off as a joke, she didn't deny what she'd said. Instead, she seemed to understand their reactions and began to share her story.

Lene's voice was calm. It didn't carry even the slightest hint of fabrication. If anything, it sounded far too familiar, almost resigned.

An awkward little laugh. Tyuni knew exactly what that laugh meant.

The kind of laugh that comes when no matter how hard you try, nothing changes. When no matter how much you struggle, there's no hope in sight.

It was the same laugh Tyuni had made the most when talking to her family after a year of streaming, when nothing had changed at all.

Only then did Tyuni realize it.

Lene was simply someone who had been doing her best to survive within the limits of her own common sense. The direction might have been different, but the effort to keep living was the same. If anything, even saying the direction was different felt wrong. Lene had been in a situation where she could only walk in the wrong direction.

“…No.”

When she thought about it that way, the effort Lene had put in was on a level Tyuni couldn't even begin to imagine. If what Lene said was really true… it meant she had been living alone in solitude since she was a child, enduring unimaginable hardship.

Lene, who had no family, no friends, and had even lost her mentor, now living in a foreign land… was completely different from Tyuni, who had her family's support, friends she could rely on, and lived in her hometown.

And yet she had felt jealous of someone like that. She had secretly criticized her. Even after Lene's stream had grown huge, she had still relied on Tyuni, a mere bottom feeder.

“So she really didn't have anyone she could lean on…”

After turning off Lene's stream, Tyuni lowered her head and laughed bitterly at herself.

“God… I really am an idiot…”