Chapter 826: Auden
Translator: RaidenTL
Chapter 826: Auden
Well, I don’t want to get too hurt myself.
The best outcome, actually, is to not be very hurt at all, but to appear incredibly injured to others.
To achieve that, getting covered in blood is, of course, the best way.
But will a mere bite like this draw enough blood?
Maybe I should’ve subtly taken off my armor.
In the dark, sightless space, I rested my chin in my hand, pondering these thoughts.
Just for the record, it wasn’t dark simply because it was a cave. As dungeons usually are, even the sub-layers always had some light filtering in, and while the turtle’s den was a bit dim, it wasn’t so dark that I couldn’t see anything.
The reason my vision was so dark was much simpler than that.
It was simply because my head and upper body were currently inside the turtle’s mouth.
Yeah. To be honest, it had been quite unpleasant for a while now, what with the humidity, stickiness, and smell.
What’s more, in this state of complete darkness, I couldn’t even use Shadow Movement.
In fact, the reason I’d recklessly charged in, intending to get hurt, was my absolute belief that I could escape with Shadow Movement even if I took some damage.
Am I… in more trouble than I thought?
“Kieeeeee!”
Just as I was thinking that, a monstrous shriek suddenly pierced the darkness, and light flooded my vision.
And the first sight that met my eyes, now accustomed to the light, was Alicia, greatsword in hand, snatching my body out of the air.
“Are you alright?!”
Alicia peered at my face with a worried expression as she spoke, but I couldn’t properly answer her.
That was because, behind Alicia, still suspended in mid-air, I saw a massive cave wall bearing down on us.
No. It wasn’t a cave wall. It was the turtle’s shell, looking like a wall.
So, this was it. This damn turtle hadn’t bitten me with the intention of attacking in the first place. Biting my body was merely a preliminary action for its real attack.
Its true attack was to flip its body over while still biting me, crushing me beneath it.
I see. No wonder the bite didn’t hurt an unusual amount. My defense stat is quite high, but it was still strange that I wasn’t taking more damage without any specific defensive skills.
And the fact that Alicia and I were floating in mid-air was perfectly explained by that reason.
Having grasped the situation, I immediately grabbed Alicia’s arm.
“You went to all that trouble to save me, so why did you come back?”
“What?! What are you talking about, you…!”
At my absurd reaction, Alicia looked ready to unleash a string of curses. Well, I suppose it would be baffling if you went out of your way to help someone, only for them to react like that.
But before her curses could properly leave her lips, I spun my body in mid-air and flung Alicia upwards with all my might.
Since we were in mid-air, I couldn’t put my full strength into it, but my absurdly high stats still managed to barely toss Alicia’s body over the male turtle’s shell.
Well, thanks to that, I missed my chance to use Shadow Movement, and the top was completely covered by the turtle’s shell, plunging my vision back into darkness.
But this was it. With this, I could get properly hurt.
No, in fact, with this kind of attack, I couldn’t be more grateful.
Because I could take the attack while gauging its power to some extent.
“Kuh-hok!”
Enduring the impact as I hit the ground back-first, my breath involuntarily expelled, I immediately channeled mana to my own penis.
To activate my sole defensive skill, Iron Penis.
No, I know what you’re thinking. You want to say, ‘Didn’t you get your ass handed to you last time you tried to use Iron Penis like this?’
But it’s completely different now than it was then.
Back then, I was at a much lower level than I am now, and I was blocking a ki-wave attack from a 5th-floor Floor Boss, a monster at least one tier higher than this guy.
Besides, even then, for all its faults, I still managed to properly block the attack itself.
So, surely now, my ‘thing’ won’t get hurt by an attack from a mere 4.5th-floor Floor Boss-level monster!
Expressing infinite trust in my ‘thing,’ I even unzipped my fly and proudly pointed it high towards the sky.
Pointing my pecker straight up… Pfft. Ah, no. This is no time to laugh.
Anyway, my valiant son shot up towards the sky, protruding far above my face or chest as I lay spread-eagled.
And then, the turtle’s shell, belatedly descending, slammed down upon it.
“Hngh-sht-fck!”
Ah, my son… Weren’t you supposed to be able to withstand it…?
No, of course, it’s much better than before, but still.
Back then, I lost consciousness for a moment, and I couldn’t feel anything down there.
The fact that I’m feeling this pain now is, paradoxically, proof that I’m alive!
My son is alive! He’s alive! Kuh-huh-huh-huh… It hurts so much!
“Kkeu-eoh-eoh-eoh…”
It already hurt like I was dying, but if I just got hurt like this and it ended, it would just be a joke.
I didn’t think the Arachne Clan or Alicia would stop their dungeon exploration just because I was lying unconscious with my ‘thing’ injured and my lower half exposed.
So, I needed to get my body properly hurt, not just my ‘thing.’
And if possible, covered in blood, just as I’d planned earlier.
“Hoo-wook… hoo-woo-wook…”
Thinking that, I took a deep breath to maintain my composure as much as possible, then stretched out both hands to firmly brace against the turtle’s shell.
No, of course, I wouldn’t be able to push this giant thing away, but I could at least mitigate some of the damage.
With my preparations complete, I slowly released the tension from my ‘thing.’
And immediately after.
“Kuh-heo-eoh-eok… Heu-eok… Ggul-leok.”
The male turtle’s overwhelming weight crushed my entire body.
As the air was forced from my lungs, I felt a hot liquid, one that definitely shouldn’t be there, erupt from my mouth as well.
And then, a shock incomparable to the intense pain in my ‘thing’ from earlier, which had been half-joking, assailed my entire body.
This won’t do. At this rate, I won’t just be pretending to die; I’ll actually die.
I thought I was used to pain, having even played a tank role back in the day, but this was beyond anything I could endure.
I certainly thought getting covered in blood would be the most convincing, but what I meant was getting lots of scratches and being bloody.
I definitely didn’t mean blood gushing from my mouth and soaking my entire body.
“Kkeu-euh-euh… Eu-ah-aaak!”
I channeled all the mana in my body towards my ‘thing,’ injecting power back into it.
Rise, my son! You are not fated to fall here! Gather your strength! Rise! Rise and push back the enemy!
As if my prayer had been answered, my mana-infused son gradually gained strength, beginning to push the male turtle’s shell upwards.
Well done! Well done, my son! You’re truly the only one I can rely on!
After creating just enough space to move my head, I immediately turned it to the side and spat out the blood that had welled up in my throat.
Then, with my head slightly dazed from the blood loss, I desperately racked my brain to calculate my next moves.
With this guy flipped over like this, his ‘lower goods’ would naturally be exposed to everyone above.
In other words, the plan to retrieve the dropped ‘organ’ into my inventory and pretend I hadn’t used my Saint skills before anyone noticed was now out the window.
Now, I really had no choice but to rely on their pity.
Well, at least I’m hurt to the extent I planned, so from now on, it all depends on how effective my method acting is.
Naturally, I wasn’t worried about being crushed here and losing my life.
No matter how tough this guy was, there was a whole host of people above, whose attack power would rank among the top ten of all adventurers.
Besides, with me being crushed like this, Sara and Diana would have gone berserk, so even if I did nothing, it would be dealt with soon enough.
No, but perhaps it would be better if I helped out too?
As I thought that, wrapping Saint’s Touch around my hand and preparing to attack the creature, the male turtle’s movements changed once again.
The shell, which had merely been pressing down on me, slowly began to rotate again.
“No. Hey. Wait a minute. You know you’re lying with my ‘thing’ right in the center of your shell, right? Like a spinning top. It might be hard for a mere beast like you to understand, but what I’m saying is, all your weight is currently concentrated on the tip of my ‘thing.’ In that state, huh? If you rotate, huh? What do you think will happen? Huh? Wait. Hold on. Hold on, big guy. I’ll take back what I just said about you being a mere beast. No, seriously. Are you trying to make me feel good? If so, I’ll just take the thought. I really don’t have a hobby of doing that kind of spinning vortex floor-fcking. I’ve never even floor-fcked in the first place. Big guy? Big guy? Are you listening? Big guy? Let’s talk this out…”
My rapid-fire words were useless; the creature’s rotation only began to accelerate.
“Myyyy sooooonnnnnggg…!”
I wept uncontrollably, sobbing so hard I couldn’t tell if these tears were from the intense pain or from the sorrow of feeling my proud son being ground to dust.
And how much time had passed?
The agonizing time, where one second felt like a hundred years, finally ended, and the creature’s rotation stopped.
And as its body vanished into ash, a large black shadow descended upon my head.
It was the creature’s penis.
Honestly, I was already out of my mind, but a sense of mission to achieve my original goal still lingered in a corner of my brain.
If I couldn’t even accomplish that, then all the suffering my son had endured until now would be meaningless!
I barely managed to stretch out my unresponsive hand and put the male turtle’s penis, which was falling towards my head, into my inventory.
With this, at least, the Arachne Clan’s way to go straight to the 5.5th floor was gone.
“Hey! Guwon!”
As I was feeling so satisfied, something black crashed down on me again, accompanied by a scream-like voice.
Well, even if it was ‘black,’ this time it was more of a milky coffee color, with plenty of milk.
It was Alicia.
It was a bit surprising that she was the first to reach me, rather than my own girls, but I suppose as a warrior who fights up close, she was simply the closest.
Alicia, who had rushed towards me, having even thrown her greatsword somewhere, immediately grabbed my body and shook me, unleashing the curses she hadn’t been able to finish earlier.
“You crazy bastard! You’re weaker than me, so what are you trying to save, acting all high and mighty! I don’t need help from the likes of you…!”
But Alicia’s face, as she spewed curses, was far more drenched in tears than mine, so I had no intention of saying anything back to her.
Well, given my current physical state, even I, who’s said to be the kind of guy whose mouth would keep floating even if he drowned, didn’t have the energy to move my lips.
“What are you doing right now?!”
But it seemed the others watching weren’t so forgiving, as a sharp reprimand reached my ears.
This voice… I can’t believe it, but was it our Angel?!
“Shaking a patient with bleeding, are you out of your mind?! Move aside, immediately!”
“Ugh… Uh, okay…”
Even the headstrong Alicia seemed startled by our Angel’s reprimand. Well, no matter how oblivious she might be, she’d at least know what kind of person our Angel usually is.
“Guwon-ssi? Are you conscious? It’s alright. It’s alright. I’ll treat you right away.”
And as soon as Alicia moved off me, our Angel’s face appeared in my vision.
Ah, indeed. Seeing that face deliver such a reprimand, even Alicia would naturally be intimidated and move aside.
Seeing our Angel’s face, even more drenched in tears than Alicia’s, I felt an unnecessary surge of guilt.
Of course, it was to save the world from crisis, but I really shouldn’t have chosen a method that made my woman cry.
Besides, I’m not even the type with such a strong sense of justice to begin with.
Hmph. You could say I’m the kind of man who chooses love over a world crisis.
…Well, anyway, things were just moving too fast, so I ended up doing it without thinking.
Maybe some of Elder Sister Rachel’s crisis management skills rubbed off on me.
There’s nothing good about that rubbing off on you, though.
“Lei…a…”
Thinking that, I squeezed out as much voice as I could and called Leia’s name.
Then, I grabbed Leia’s wrist, which was brightly glowing and stroking my body, and pulled it down.
Specifically, towards my son.
“If possible… start here…”
And saying that, I forced the corners of my mouth up into a grin.
“Yes! Yes!”
…No, Angel. You’re supposed to laugh at jokes.
Of course, it’s true that my son is in the most urgent need of treatment, but still.
Watching our Angel desperately stroking my ‘thing,’ a faint, wry laugh escaped me.
But no matter how much I tried to act nonchalant, the overload on my brain must have reached its limit, and I lost consciousness without even having a chance to fully enjoy our Angel’s touch on my ‘thing.’