I Went and Did It
Liking someone. If those words pass between a man and a woman, they inevitably carry the surface meaning of romantic affection. In other words, this girl likes me as the opposite sex...
Ahem.
I cleared my throat briefly, having jumped to that conclusion, then regained my composure and asked her back.
"What do you mean by 'like'?"
"What... do I mean?"
"Liking someone can mean all sorts of things. Like as a friend, or as a classmate and seatmate."
Yes, "like" is an ambiguous word with multiple meanings. You can use it purely because of blood ties with family, between friends who share joys and sorrows, with coworkers... It can even apply to inanimate objects, food, or things that aren't even human.
So, no jumping to conclusions. The "like" she means is surely one of those innocent kinds.
"Right now... yeah, you're just feeling that way because I helped you out, right?"
"......"
She bowed her head silently at my guess, lost in thought. After a long silence, she finally spoke up with her answer.
"I know you helped me. And I'm grateful for that."
"See? That's all it is..."
"That's why... I like you."
Soeun emphasized it again, cutting off my attempt to rationalize it.
"I like you... more than at first."
Her fist clenched against her chest, as if feeling the turmoil in her heart, and my head throbbed even harder hearing it.
More than at first. How else could I interpret that except as her affection toward me growing in that direction?
"That... that's just as friends, right?"
No, it couldn't be. We'd only known each other for about two weeks at most. Romantic feelings developing in such a short time? That's not realistic.
"......Friends?"
"Y-yeah. Just friends who eat lunch together and walk home."
"......"
Soeun bowed her head again, deep in thought. Her silence made my heart race for no reason, and then she glanced at me and asked,
"What about you?"
"Huh?"
"Do you... like me?"
Her direct question hit like a knife. Caught off guard by what it implied, I answered as tactfully as I could.
"I don't dislike you."
"You don't... dislike me?"
"W-well, yeah. Eating with you and Mary was fun... so I didn't want to mess that up."
Yes, that's why I'd helped her. No matter the reason, she'd become part of my life, and I couldn't in good conscience let her suffer. So surely my feelings toward her included "like"—but only as a friend. As a classmate and seatmate, not romantically.
"So you do... like me."
I hoped she'd accept that, holding my breath anxiously, as she murmured her quiet reaction.
"Just... as a friend..."
"Yeah, exactly. Same as you."
"Same as... me..."
Her cheeks flushed shyly. Her hand rose to her chest.
"Really..."
After pondering for a while, she voiced her lingering unease.
"Is that... really enough?"
"Huh?"
"Liking each other as friends... Can I just let these feelings end like that?"
"......"
I was at a loss for words. I couldn't shake the doubt that she truly harbored deeper feelings for me.
But that couldn't happen. We barely knew each other. Even if her emotions veered that way—and they probably didn't—I couldn't reciprocate.
"You're... not sure about it?"
"I don't know. It's my first time feeling like this..."
Unable to outright reject her, I probed gently, and she carefully shared her conclusion.
"But after thinking it over... I had this thought."
"What thought?"
"That I don't need to hide these feelings."
Her gaze drifted to the window, her face deepening in the sunset glow. Yet her reflection in the glass showed shyness, hinting at meanings words alone couldn't convey.
"If there's no reason to suppress them... maybe I can just be true to them. That's what I thought."
Be true to her emotions. Express her "like" directly. Knowing it was aimed at me, I felt a heavy weight tightening around my heart.
Anxiety, no doubt. These uncertain feelings she wasn't even sure of herself could twist into something I didn't want later.
"Well, it can't hurt, right?"
So what should I do? Cut it off decisively before it went further? Deny her feelings head-on like I did with Mary, hurting her?
"If we both like each other... staying true to that could deepen our bond."
No, I didn't want to do that anymore. She'd become part of my life too. Our time together was short so far, but we'd spend more ahead, building our relationship.
Right now, foreseeing that, there was only one thing to do: steer it in the direction I wanted.
"You think so?"
"Yeah. So let's keep working on being good friends from now on."
Friends only. Classmates and seatmates who ate together and chatted casually. Nothing more.
I drove that wedge in to define us that way. She pondered briefly, then nodded faintly.
"......Yeah. As friends."
Good, she seemed convinced. As I hoped that held, I noticed the familiar scenery outside.
"Your stop's coming up, right? I'll see you off."
"......"
Soeun stood silently and followed me. At the doors, they slid open, and her gaze turned to me—her face still faintly flushed from our talk.
"Something to say?"
"No, just..."
She halted her step to leave, closing the gap by one step.
"Wanted to look at you one more time before we part."
Gazing at her staring so intently, I worried the doors might close too soon.
"Haha, we'll see each other tomorrow anyway, no need to—"
Yes, probably some trivial reason. Brushing it off casually, she drew even closer anyway. From one step to mere inches. Then to almost zero.
Thud.
The sudden physical contact made my strength give way reflexively, my bag slipping off my shoulder. Time froze; all senses numbed. Only then did my eyes fix on her face right before mine.
Yes, her face pressed against mine. Her lips above her chin—those soft, warm mucous membranes—tangled together.
So abrupt, my mind couldn't process what happened.
"Wh-what...!"
"Ah."
As I sputtered in shock, she stepped back a pace and muttered flatly.
"I... did it."
As if she'd done it without realizing. Stunned speechless, she grabbed her bag and left.
"See you tomorrow."
Greeting casually, as if it were a dream.
—The doors are closing.
As the doors shut and she vanished from sight, reality hit. My head spun in a rush of heat.
"What... the hell."
In the chaos, I thought: In our short time together, her heart had already veered into territory I didn't want.
"What is this, seriously."
Could a pubescent girl be this impulsive and bold? Realizing too late, a tension arose in my heart—impossible in pure friendship—pulling taut.
After getting off the train, on the walk home, the girl strolled alone, cupping her lips as if savoring the aftertaste of her act.
She'd done it on impulse, just because she wanted to. Realizing belatedly it defied common sense, yet no regret stirred in her heart.
I... did it.
This unfamiliar feeling—too ticklish for friendship, too overwhelming for gratitude—she had no idea how to control it. Naturally, since she found no reason to suppress it, believing she could stay true to it.
I really... did it. Me...
There was no reason not to. She'd simply been faithful to her feelings—that was all.