[Saintess for You - 13]
[Saintess for You - 13]
Swa-ang!!
"Adrian seems strong, and I don't mean that as a joke, I'm being serious."
"Well, I didn't survive on the battlefield for so long for nothing."
Let's do some simple math.
Adrian is 27 years old now.
He was 25 when we first met.
If he became a Holy Knight at 10 and was dragged to the battlefield at 15, that's 15 years of experience as a Holy Knight and 10 years on the battlefield—a resume that puts most middle-aged men to shame. He's been through all sorts of hell.
In this world, a 'full adult' is defined as someone over 20, so alcohol is prohibited before that age.
However, if you had the skills, it wasn't hard to get a job.
Just look at Adrian; he had such immense skill that he became a Holy Knight at the tender age of 10.
In other words, age could be somewhat ignored as long as you had the talent to do the work.
Because Adrian was so young and from the blood-soaked Valtus family, he apparently faced a lot of envy, jealousy, and bullying.
In my case, perhaps because of the power of the title 'Saintess,' I didn't have anything I could call bullying.
"What was the battlefield like?"
"That's sudden."
"No, I just thought of it while we were walking. I only know about the battlefield from what I've read in books."
I would have liked to go myself, but while that might be okay in the distant future, Adrian wouldn't want me going to the battlefield right now.
After all, I'm finally living as a good Saintess, and no one knows what might happen to my emotions if I were exposed to the murderous intent and hostility of the battlefield.
I suppose it might be different if all of this became my daily routine, if everything settled into a role, and if all of that became 'Anastasia Lacroix'.
No.
Even then, I think he would hate it.
Regardless of this or that, war is war, and it's definitely happier not to know such places and never go there in your entire life.
Actually, I didn't have much of an opinion on life and death, but I was just saying that's how it's generally considered to be.
"The battlefield."
Adrian closed his mouth as if hesitating for a moment.
"It wasn't a very good place."
"You don't have any good memories at all?"
"If you're asking if I have absolutely no memories with my comrades, that's not the case. When we defeated a strong enemy together and smiled while confirming that we had both survived, I felt more alive than at any other moment."
Adrian looks cold and like someone who follows principles, but deep down, he's a person with so much affection.
In the first place, I could have just pretended not to know and let it slide, but as soon as I predicted what would happen to the rest of my life, he immediately started training me.
There are many things in the world that you can just live by pretending not to know, but Adrian didn't choose to pretend.
It might have been a good deed done by chance.
It might have been nothing more than a whim.
It might not have been based on any particular pride or conviction, and it might not be something he'll consistently do in the future, but just something that happened by chance.
Even so, you were the one who reached out to me, and I gained a compass named 'you'.
I intend to live my life with that.
"But, well... I have more memories of sending comrades away than memories of surviving with them. The guys I liked, the guys I didn't like, the good guys, the bad guys... all of that becomes meaningless."
"......."
"That is what death is, and even if it was a guy I didn't like, the smell of their death was the same, and the expression they made was the same. They all left, entrusting me with so much."
Last words.
Keepsakes.
It seemed like everything that could happen on a battlefield had happened to Adrian as well.
He might be keeping the belongings of the dead, and he might still be keeping the last wishes of the dead. Perhaps he even moved to deliver the news of their deaths to their families.
"Is it painful? Do you regret going to the battlefield?"
"What would change if I did? I've regretted it every time, and I've shed enough tears already. It would be a lie to say it's not painful, but what's done cannot be undone. Even if you grab the hands of a clock and force them backward, time doesn't turn back."
"......."
"I just try not to forget."
Actually, I don't really know.
Is there any meaning in remembering the dead?
They were already dead.
I could understand healing the living, and I could understand the heart of a parent shedding tears because their child was sick.
Since they were still alive, I could understand the worry. I could accept it as something logical.
But I still couldn't understand the reason for going that far for the dead.
To be precise, it didn't resonate with me.
Life and death were clearly distant stories to me.
'What if Adrian dies.'
As I thought that, I could feel my blood running cold, and it felt like everything I had worked for so far was crumbling down.
The tower named the image I had built up as a kind Saintess was collapsing, and I didn't think I would have the slightest desire to rebuild it.
Ah.
Death means never being able to meet again.
It means having to live the rest of your life only recalling memories of when they were alive.
Bereavement is this cruel.
If Adrian dies, there would be no reason to do these troublesome things; rather, even if I completely tore apart and killed the thing that made Adrian die, it wouldn't be enough to satisfy me.
I shouldn't just kill them; I would make them suffer eternally, completely break their mind, and torment them until the moment they begged me to kill them.
And the moment they begged me to kill them, I wouldn't kill them, and I would torment them even more.
If there were magic to erase memories, erasing their memory, healing them, and then tormenting them again would be one method.
Don't you think that inflicting despair just once on such a bastard is too generous and merciful?
'But what about after that?'
Let's say I thoroughly punished the person who killed Adrian.
What then?
Should I burn the world that caused Adrian to die?
But then Adrian would definitely hate it.
For some reason, I don't like that.
I don't know.
What would I do when that time comes?
At the point of having such worries, I might have changed from before, but even so, I had worries, and there were times when I couldn't even understand myself properly.
Adrian also often said that I 'often fail to properly recognize my own desires and emotions'.
In other words, even if I want something or feel an emotion, I am not properly recognizing it.
Actually, I am acting emotionally, but since I don't recognize that emotion, it doesn't look like I'm acting emotionally, and I can't even conceive the idea that I am feeling emotions myself.
'I don't know, I guess the best thing to do is to try so that that time doesn't come.'
That would be a good thing for me.
For Adrian.
And furthermore, for the world.
Actually, I wonder if I even need to care about that part, but since Adrian wants it, I decided to care about it for now.
"Personally, I would like for you, Saintess-nim, to live a life far removed from fighting. Just sitting in the cathedral, healing people who come by, and listening to confessions—that kind of life."
"A peaceful life?"
"Well, yes."
"Then you know what needs to be done, right? I am living a peaceful life right now. Adrian Valtus isn't so dense that he doesn't know what that implies, is he?"
"......."
"I don't know what you're worrying about, but don't worry, I have no intention of making things difficult for you until you become an adult. Unfortunately, I can't know what you're thinking in your head right now."
It wasn't easy for me, being insensitive to people's hearts, to know about people's hearts.
It is possible to infer through various pieces of evidence and establish theories through past experiences.
Including memorization.
In this situation, they would react like this.
Since they made this face, they must have felt this emotion.
Since they felt this emotion, they must be thinking this.
Since they thought this, they must be taking this action.
Through such logical reasoning, I could somehow understand emotions and expand the range of what I could understand by memorizing the patterns, and at the same time apply them, but if a completely unknown pattern appears, I cannot understand it, nor can I apply it.
Adrian was making that kind of incomprehensible expression at me, so it was definitely something that couldn't be understood in an ordinary way.
It didn't seem like it was just because of age, either.
Of course, age is one of the reasons he's troubled, but once I become an adult, that won't be such an important issue.
Because I can just say that I was the one who forcibly held onto him, not Adrian.
If that doesn't work, I can add various narratives, and if I spread rumors, it will become a 'romantic story'.
"We'll arrive soon, please be on guard."
"You should be the one doing that."
"Why did you follow me?"
"To be alone with you? To get a good reputation with your family?"
"Learn to hide things a bit."
"I don't hide things only from you."
I have to package it with appropriately pretty words for other people.
"For reference, even if you fight, please control your strength; you must not kill them. Just being a Monster Tamer is dangerous enough, but it seems like there's something more to them."
"Got it, then......."
I made light flicker at my fingertips.
"Let's just break their limbs."
"Control your strength....... Sigh, yes. Understood."
I can just break them and heal them.
I won't kill them.
As long as their life isn't cut off, that can be seen as a 'state of not being dead', right?
Isn't that so?