[Saintess, Anastasia Lacroix - 02]
[Saintess, Anastasia Lacroix - 02]
To be honest, I didn't have many memories of Ellyn.
Unfortunately, the younger me had even less interest in others than I do now.
Even if someone fell and got hurt right next to me, I was only interested in my own affairs and had zero concern for them.
Even if they screamed and fell right beside me, or were bleeding, I probably would have just finished what I was doing.
I don't know if that was reading a fairy tale book or playing with toys, but to me, the task right in front of me was important, and the affairs of 'others' were not.
Ed often says that my world, which should be made up of 'me' and 'you', is only made up of 'me'.
At first, I couldn't understand what that meant, but now, I could understand it in some way.
I absolutely lacked interest in others, and my capacity for empathy was malfunctioning.
It was as if I could definitely feel emotions themselves, but it was impossible to recognize them.
Since I was born that way and completed that way, I hadn't thought much about it even if I had known until now, but now, I had some thoughts.
Ellyn.
Ellyn Frendisiv.
All I knew about Ellyn was that she was my younger sister; other than that, not much came to mind.
I couldn't really recall the reason, but it felt like she cried a lot.
If you asked me if anything else came to mind, it didn't.
If you asked me to answer specifically, I definitely wouldn't be able to answer a single thing.
To me, other than the information that she was my 'younger sister', it wasn't even worth remembering, and I only held the fact that she was my younger sister as knowledge. I wouldn't have recognized her even if she were right in front of me until someone said, 'This is your younger sister.'
I would recognize her now, but that was just a process necessary to pretend to be a good person and a good Saintess; it wasn't because I had family affection.
Others and family.
There was no difference between them to me.
It was just adding one title like younger sister, father, or mother, and the rest held no meaning.
Still, I wanted to be a good 'older sister' and a good 'daughter'.
Everyone would be happy, and that attitude would be the 'good person' Ed wanted, so I intended to wear the mask properly. Surprisingly, it worked well, and I considered it perfect enough for Ed to praise.
'I seem to have definitely fooled my parents, Franz and Emily, so what did I mess up?'
No, if I had messed up, Ed would have pointed it out.
Not only that, but not just Ellyn, but other people would have noticed that strangeness and reacted accordingly.
When people sense something that isn't common sense or feels off, they make a strange expression and form a strange atmosphere.
I didn't feel that specific atmosphere.
If so, it would be better to think that it wasn't my fault, but that Ellyn's intuition was excellent, or that there was something only Ellyn could know.
Since Ed had praised young Ellyn as a smart child, not just anyone, she might be seeing something no one else could see.
"......."
"......."
The night wind was blowing coldly on the balcony, but Ellyn and I looked at each other and kept silent without saying anything in particular.
This silence, while it meant affirmation, couldn't be persuaded no matter what I said to Ellyn, who was already full of conviction.
Because she hadn't come to resolve doubts.
It was an expression that looked like she hadn't come to clear up doubts at the stage of not knowing, but to re-examine matters that had already been confirmed.
"Well, it wouldn't have been strange. Why do you think that?"
"Our parents are naive, in both a good and bad sense. So, they are blaming themselves, thinking that their daughter had those feelings originally but they didn't recognize it and were scared, but I'm not."
"......."
"I think I understand Unnie best among the family."
That.
Seems to be true.
At this point, she had pierced through my acting and noticed that I was lying.
Since it was the first time, there might have been some awkward parts, but to pierce through a mask that had easily deceived family and other nobles, what should I call it.
It might be strange to say this, but I felt like she was my younger sister.
Considering my reputation and personality, it might not sound like a compliment at all, but it was a compliment in my own way. Should I say she has a good eye for seeing through people?
It didn't seem like Ed praised her for nothing.
"To Unnie, we were people without value. And actually, when you returned to this mansion, it was a similar feeling. We were still invisible, and all that was visible was a kind of title called 'family'."
"......."
"What Unnie thinks of when looking at us isn't names or memories, but just titles like 'Mother', 'Father', and 'younger sister'. Right?"
She looked a little lonely, but it was the correct answer.
I was accurately perceiving my family in that way.
No, it wouldn't be an exaggeration to say that all human relationships were like that for me, not just family.
Rather, it could be said that it was special just to be remembered by me in that way.
For most, I would forget them without even a day passing, and even if they were recognized a little, it was common to forget their very existence after a few days.
It wasn't something to brag about, but I was terribly uninterested in others.
And perhaps, in my heart, I will continue to be so.
For me, whether a person far away dies or a person right next to me dies, the difference in the emotions generated from that wouldn't be significant.
If I had to say, I might have the impression that if they die right next to me, blood will splatter, which is annoying.
"What's the reason you came to point that out? Even knowing that, you still call me Unnie?"
"I don't know the reason, but I'm happy that Unnie decided to change. I just wanted to convey that."
"I haven't changed."
"You have changed. You might say you haven't changed because you're just wearing a mask and acting, but the moment you decided to do that acting and wear that mask, Unnie is a different person from the Unnie I know."
"......."
Is it a change that a person who was consistently indifferent to the point of being thorough wears a mask, even if it's acting, and mingles with people?
Even though nothing has changed in the inner thoughts, the moment one decides to act, have those inner thoughts changed?
Is that a change of heart?
Or is it a whim?
If it's not even that, should I evaluate it positively and call it growth?
"Why do you care about me so much? Since you understand me better than anyone, I want to ask."
"That question itself is proof that you're a different person....... Well, yeah. Because we're family. Do you need any other reason besides that?"
"......That's a reason I can't accept. I can't understand the reason for caring about someone who kept pushing you away and ignoring you for just that reason."
Ed's face passed by.
What would happen if Ed suddenly ignored me and pushed me away right now?
Well.
If it were me, I would confine him, or wait until I became stronger than Ed in some way, and then definitely catch him.
Objectively evaluating my own potential, I could definitely become stronger than Ed in the future.
Even now, if the conditions were met, it wasn't like there was no possibility of winning.
"Still, next time, I'll remember you as Ellyn."
"......."
"Huh? Are you crying?"
"I'm not crying."
It looks like she's crying.
Until just now, she seemed like a rational person who wasn't swayed by emotions, but suddenly she becomes emotional.
The difference was so distinct.
It seemed a bit difficult for me that an emotional person could act rationally, and a rational person could act emotionally.
The method corresponding to that was quite annoying, and responding to each one seemed like it would be a headache, but at the same time, thinking that I was finding a kind of strategy, it also seemed quite fun.
Because if what is difficult now becomes natural as time passes, and becomes something I can match as naturally as breathing, that would be quite fun.
"I'm glad Unnie thought about getting along with us."
"Yeah."
Even if I don't truly cherish my family, I act like I do.
Will that emotion become mine someday?
Or will I continue to rationally take care of them as if they were family, without it being my emotion until I die?
Which one is it?
Surely, even Ed wouldn't be able to answer this question.
Whether everything about me will become a mask that I have to act with for the rest of my life, or whether that mask will stick to my skin and become my real face, no one could know the exact answer. To be honest, I felt like it didn't matter which one it was.
Because I thought that if the person I considered valuable thought that was the best way for me to live, it wouldn't be bad to follow that.
And.
For Ellyn, that alone seemed to have value.
Does Ellyn believe that I will be able to truly cherish them someday?
Or does she think that it's enough because I've changed at the point of cherishing them even if it's just on the surface?
Even that question.
Surely, I won't be able to find the answer.
"Can I visit the Cathedral sometimes? To put it more directly, I want to come over to play."
As Ellyn said this while looking at the stars in the sky, I also followed her and looked at the stars in the sky and said.
"Yeah, do as you please."
Before I judged that this answer was the best, my mouth moved first.
What kind of meaning that holds.
Since I still have plenty of time, I decided to think about it.