To Rise One Step Higher - 8
"...Haaah..."
Slowly opening her eyes, Hong Ryeon let out a sigh the moment she pushed herself up. Who could have guessed that the Mirror Secret Realm—a realm woven from her own mindscape to lay her inner demons bare—would turn out to be a place like that?
She had always believed she was fine. Never had she imagined that an endless desert would stretch out inside her, or that she was someone who had to walk it alone. And then—the ease she had felt each time she cast one of those things away, the comfort of a burden growing lighter... perhaps that, too, had been her inner demon. Perhaps her inner demon had been trying all along to make her abandon even the things she had cherished most. That was why Hong Ryeon could do nothing but smile bitterly.
"...I let myself hope again."
She had never dreamed he would be there, inside her own mindscape. Just how deeply had he taken root in her heart, that even there he would appear and reach out his hand to her? Closing her eyes, Hong Ryeon called up the memory of Yu Wol, who had come to her in that desert whenever she grew weary and hurting, lost in suffering.
Ah. He truly had always been like a great tree. Walking toward her trailing the faintly bitter scent of tobacco, he was, in all honesty, a man who put her heart at ease. A man who gave her strength just by speaking to her, just by walking beside her. How could she possibly not love him?
"...Nn."
Still—had that been going a little too far? Hong Ryeon touched her faintly flushed cheek. True, it had been directed at the him within the illusion, the him of her mindscape who had always protected her, but all the same. Such a rambling, scatterbrained confession. A kiss surrendered to nothing but momentum. Ah. This wasn't how she had pictured it at all. Somewhere nicer, somewhere more romantic. She had meant to confess to him far more beautifully than this. Instead, drenched in sweat and half-broken with exhaustion, she had leaned against him and blurted everything out.
"...Ahaha."
And yet, the heavy something that had sat in a corner of her heart felt a good deal lighter now. She had always wanted him to know her heart, and always feared he would turn her away. But because she had finally released that longing, that greed—even if only within her mindscape, even if only to a him she herself had conjured—her heart felt all the lighter for it. And so Hong Ryeon smiled, remembering the gentle smile the him inside her had worn for her.
Ah. Today of all days, she missed him all the more.
Not long after Hong Ryeon left, Chae Jin slowly opened her eyes. Without a moment even to tidy her spilled hair, she stared blankly into the empty air.
"...Hehe."
There was no reining in the corners of her mouth as they curled upward all on their own. And small wonder—she now knew that even within her mindscape, inside that terrifying, cold, and lonely prison, he had been there. Ah, truly. I can't win against you. To think you would try to save me even in a place like that. Of course, he had told her that the one who saves her is herself—just as he always did. And yet Yu Wol had saved her all the same, with only a handful of words.
Chae Jin gently fingered her throat. The collar that had fastened there within the mindscape. It was something precious—a symbol of her meeting with him. That was why it could never be cut away. If anything, it was simply something to be treasured. But as that thought ran its course—
"Ngh."
—her face flooded scarlet. Because she remembered what she had done, without even realizing it, at the very end—when her feelings for Yu Wol overflowed past all containing.
Thump! Thump!
She burrowed under her blanket and kicked out at it. Even if he had been a him conjured by her own mindscape, how could she have done that to him?!
Thump! Thump! Thump!
Kicking hard enough to wear a hole through the blanket, Chae Jin rolled over, then writhed face-down on the bed.
"Ahhhhh...!!"
Her burning face refused to cool.
"...What are you doing? If you're awake, hurry up and come out. It's time for morning training. If you passed the Mirror Secret Realm, we ought to see what you gained from it, shouldn't we?"
At the sound of Chae Ryeon's voice from beyond the door, Chae Jin snapped wide awake. She had to hide it. What had happened in the Mirror Secret Realm must never, ever reach another soul. H-how could she ever tell anyone about that confession, that kind of confession. Handing over her collar, taking him as her master... Ahhhh...
Of course, when he had pressed into her hands the chain that had hung at her throat—the chain that had always belonged there—her whole body had shivered with happiness. But still. But still. That was absolutely not the sort of thing a maiden did who had never so much as held a man's hand, let alone known love.
What if he learned of it and thought her shameless? And what if he pushed her away because of it? Her flushed face drained snow-white.
But. Even so, she could not stop the grin from spreading as she traced her fingers over the pale skin of her throat—where nothing remained, and yet where something had most certainly been. Something that had bound her to him.
I had spent the whole night turning it over in my mind. That Hong Ryeon and Chae Jin—the two of them—harbored such feelings for me. Both were beautiful women, each radiating a charm entirely her own.
Honestly, to say I disliked it would be a lie. What kind of man would it make me, to complain at being loved by women like these? And since I held warm feelings for them in return, being glad of it was only right.
"Hmm."
In any case, neither of them seemed to intend to speak her heart to me just yet—but that, too, was only a matter of time. And in the end, I would have to make a choice. The problem was this: they loved me so deeply that I had taken root inside their very mindscapes.
"Hmmmm..."
Just then, a knock sounded at the door. Morning already? If I was late to the meal, everyone would worry—I had better hurry. I made straight for the dining hall, and there I crossed paths with Hong Ryeon.
"Did you sleep well?"
For an instant she flinched at the sight of me—but then her face broke into a radiant bloom of a smile, and before I knew it, the things I had imagined in my head the day before came surging back.
"Ah. Ooh... is this... really real...?"
Tears brimming over with joy, Hong Ryeon threw her arms around me—just as she had within her mindscape. Clinging to me like a cat starved for affection, she nuzzled her face against my chest.
"I've always thought about it. That you would stand beside me. That when I'm with you, I am simply 'Hong Ryeon.' That this Hong Ryeon, and Yu Wol, would live our lives together. I... I've given up and cast away so many things since becoming the First Disciple of Hongseong Gate, but... ah. I'm so glad I never gave you up."
Wearing a smile that seemed to melt, tears of joy streaming freely down her face, she spoke while holding me tight.
"Loving you. I'm so glad I did."
That was how she would react if I accepted her confession. It was only imagination, but sweet all the same. And behind that sweetness, the opposite came chasing naturally at its heels.
"I see."
A voice like a blade sliding between the bones of my spine. She didn't cry. She simply stared at me with an expressionless face, as though she had excised even her emotions entirely.
"...As I thought. I am only the First Disciple of Hongseong Gate, only the elder sister of my junior disciples. Only the Sun-Falling Sword of the murim, only an inspector of the Murim Alliance."
Hong Ryeon was wrapping herself in the duties and responsibilities she was meant to bear. And with them, she was erasing 'Hong Ryeon' away.
"I knew what was needed. I knew what had to be done. I knew that feelings like these were not what I needed. If only I had known that holding on to being 'Hong Ryeon' would hurt this much..."
From that expressionless face, a single line of tears spilled down. As though she were relinquishing something precious buried within her. As though, by doing so, she meant to erase the very existence called Hong Ryeon.
"It would have been better never to know at all."
Oof. Damn it. Picturing it while looking right at her actual face made it hit far, far too close to reality.
"Huh? Why the long face? Are you feeling unwell somewhere?"
Just then, Chae Jin came up and took my arm. Confronted with that ever-sunny smile of hers, sure enough, the thoughts I had wrestled with all night spun themselves into a scene.
"...R-really?!"
If she had a tail, it would have wagged itself clean off. Even as tears of joy came pouring down, a radiant smile shone across her face. Wiping her eyes with the back of her hand, trying her hardest to smile through them, she hugged me tight, utterly at a loss for what to do with herself.
"Ah... I'm... I'm so happy. Could this be a dream? Heh. Heheuk... Always. I always dreamed of this moment. The day I could finally stand at your side—the you who always acknowledged me, affirmed me, and trusted me."
There was no strength in the arms that held me. Wanting to feel even a sliver more of me, yet afraid of hurting me, she tenderly nuzzled her face against mine.
"Hehe. My everything. Only you complete me, and only you lead me onward. So..."
Softly, she pressed a kiss to my lips, then smiled through her tear-streaked face.
"I love you. Forever."
And, sure enough, the opposite followed right behind.
There stood an abandoned puppy, her face hollow with disbelief, tears sliding down from transparent black eyes. Shoulders slumped, every line of her steeped in defeat. Chae Jin wept as she stared at me.
"...Not even trusted by you... not even accepted by you..."
Without even wiping away the tears that fell, Chae Jin sank to the ground. Covering her face with both hands, she forced the words out in a low voice, as though retching them up.
"In the end, I... was only ever someone no one trusted, no one loved... to me, bound in chains you never held..."
Her hand drifted to her throat as though to tear away invisible chains, and she gazed at me in sorrow.
"Am I... still worth anything at all...?"
No. This wouldn't do. This absolutely would not do. I had spent last night running through assumptions and variables, but weighing what I had witnessed in their mindscapes, the reality would only be worse—never less. They might be swallowed whole by their inner demons, spiraling into rampaging demons drunk on blood and death. Or they might turn their blades on each other, screaming, "Rather than lose him to you, I'll kill you and run away with him!"
No. This I could never allow. The scenarios were bad enough on their own—but watching them break like that was something I could never stomach.
So what was it that I had to do? Truth be told, I already knew the answer. The only question was whether it could actually be done. And to make it possible, I would simply have to do better. I was in for some hard days ahead.
But then again—wasn't it better for me to suffer a little than for a world to take shape where someone ends up hurt?