This Has Got to Be a Joke
Hmm. This is a dream.
Or a crazy hallucination. If not, then my brain has finally exploded from overwork.
Countless sessions under my belt. A perfect sadistic streak. A spanker, a dominant, and someone who lived with the title of a top-tier femdom.
Just a moment ago, I was definitely drunk on the atmosphere, pushing my partner to the edge and enjoying some spectacular play.
But I blink once, and suddenly I'm a princess in a romance fantasy world?
It was so absurd I could only let out a hollow laugh.
Right, until just a moment ago, I was in the middle of playing with a one-night stand. My partner was sobbing hysterically, and I was flushed and swept up in excitement.
It was exactly at that moment.
That my eyes began to sting like crazy.
"Ah, fuck..."
Of all things, sweat had gotten into my eyes.
It stung so badly that I squeezed my eyes shut for just a second and opened them again—
And when I came to, I was inside the body of someone in a completely different world.
And of all things, in the body of a romance fantasy princess.
"No, seriously, this has got to be a joke..."
It hadn't even been a week since I transmigrated into this world.
Still, during that short time, I had managed to grasp the basic information.
"Lady Marchen, good morning."
A black-haired young man, who had been busily tidying up my room and managing my daily schedule, offered a polite greeting.
Right. My name is Marchen. A name that makes me cringe the more I hear it.
"Yes. Did you sleep well?"
And the guy standing in front of me right now, who looks so delicious I want to devour him at least once, is named Yurion.
He is said to serve as an assistant by my side—me, who is treated like a princess... or something similar in this world.
Of course, hitting on an employee is crossing the line in many ways. Thanks to my damn moral compass, I gave up on that idea long ago.
Yurion pouted his lips like an ostrich and mumbled softly.
"Your memory still hasn't returned, has it...?"
Ah, right.
Since I completely changed overnight and claimed to have lost my memory... of course he'd think it's amnesia.
"Shall we head out first? Bring me some clothes."
"Ah, yes...!! T-then, I will fetch the head maid!"
Yurion bit his tongue, his face flushing bright red as he hurriedly scurried out of the room.
His awkwardly shifting gaze, his face looking like a tomato about to burst.
"Haha. For a mere servant... aren't you making it a bit too obvious?"
It seemed the position of princess wasn't exactly a comfortable life either.
"How did she live with breasts like these? The stares must have been incredibly piercing."
Since I had nothing better to do, I decided to look around the bedroom.
You might think all bedrooms are pretty much the same, but that would be overlooking one crucial fact.
This is a romance fantasy world. A world where power and status determine everything.
Which meant there was no way my bedroom, as a princess, would be ordinary.
Compared to the studio apartment I used to live in, it looked at least four times... no, seven times? Eight times larger.
Ah, whatever. The point is, it was fucking huge and luxurious.
Inside, my mind was a chaotic mess of awe and profanity, but the princess's outward expression remained surprisingly calm.
As if touring a history museum, I slowly admired the interior of the bedroom.
Among them were antique pieces of furniture studded with expensive gems.
"Ho... as expected, pretty things are the best."
Then, a particularly eye-catching large chest of drawers came into view. It was exceptionally large even among the furniture in the bedroom, and its condition was quite clean.
Unable to resist my curiosity, I began opening the drawers one by one.
However, one drawer in particular wouldn't budge. When I forced it open with a hard yank, a cascade of adult toys tumbled out.
Oh...? The princess's tastes were wilder than I thought.
Judging by how they were stored, they seemed to be things she used herself, but maybe she didn't know how to maintain them properly because their condition was rather questionable.
If I'm not careful, won't I catch some disease from this...?
I squeezed my eyes shut.
Of all people, to transmigrate into the body of a princess with such vulgar tastes. A sigh escaped me naturally.
No matter how I looked at it, the original owner of this body seemed to have masochistic tendencies.
If so, she must have been sleeping around with all kinds of men. And with the prestige of being a 'princess' to boot.
"Ah, fuck..."
I'm screwed. I'm absolutely, utterly fucked.
What if I get dragged around by this damn body's urges from the moment of transmigration? What if my own preferences get weirdly warped?
Ominous imaginations filled my head.
First, when the head maid comes, I need to tell her to throw all these bizarre things away.
The drawer was packed with things that could hardly be called normal. Starting from items with bizarre ridges on the surface, to tools of a size that made me wonder if they were even meant to go inside a human body.
Among them were things that made me dizzy just looking at them.
"……Crazy."
I looked down into the drawer with a disgusted expression.
No matter how much tastes are a matter of personal freedom, this was honestly a bit terrifying. Just what kind of life did the original owner live?
I'd been feeling this since the moment of transmigration, but even in my past life, I had never used items of that caliber myself.
On my own body, that is. Even for someone like me with a pretty strong sadistic streak, using something like that on a partner would make me break out in a cold sweat.
Anyway... I wish the head maid would hurry up and get here.
Head maid. Head maid.
Just as that word was looping in my head, a cautious knock sounded from outside the door.
"Lady Marchen, it is Oetna. May I enter?"
Oh, she's here. Head maid Oetna. Finally.
"Yes, come in."
When the door opened, servants filed into the room in a neat line, led by Oetna.
A week into transmigration. I still couldn't get used to this sight.
It wasn't like they were playing train, but seeing people march in single file like that was truly bizarre.
Is this what authority feels like?
I let out a small sigh internally.
Of all things, to transmigrate into a princess...
A princess of a nation must naturally maintain her prestige and dignity.
Because the princesses in the romance fantasy novels I read were always like that. Besides, if you're in a position to command many people, you should at least know how to handle them.
I intentionally lowered my voice and spoke to Oetna in a commanding tone.
"Oetna. Take everything inside that drawer and sanitize them right now."
My fingertip pointed sharply at the chest of drawers.
Oetna immediately bowed to accept the order. Then, along with the servants, she began taking the items out of the drawer one by one.
It was at that moment.
The bodies of the servants, including Oetna, froze simultaneously.
It felt as if the air in the room had instantly frozen solid.
"What's wrong?"
I toyed with the tips of my nails as I continued leisurely.
"It's not like any of you are seeing this for the first time. Don't play innocent and go sanitize them thoroughly. Make sure they're clean enough to use on someone else without any issues."
After a brief pause, I added nonchalantly.
"Or if it's too much trouble, just throw them all away and buy exact duplicates."
But no one dared to answer readily.
At the lingering silence, I clicked my tongue softly and spoke.
"You should answer when you hear me."
Instantly, the atmosphere grew even heavier. Flustered, everyone hurriedly bowed their heads, and soon the head maid, Oetna, spoke up on their behalf.
"I-I apologize...! We will organize them and bring them back as soon as possible."
"Indeed. Why do something you'd have to apologize for in the first place?"
I averted my gaze and said calmly.
"If you understand, leave. Only those who will help me dress should remain."
As soon as those words fell, Oetna and the servants began moving in a flurry.
Under the careful hands of the maids, my grooming began.
But what was even more shocking than expected was the appearance of this woman named Marchen.
It wasn't just her body that stood out. Her face was also insanely beautiful.
To the point where even I, as a fellow woman, felt the urge to make her cry.
Devouring a handsome man with a body like this would be absolutely spectacular...
It was just as my wicked imagination was running wild.
"Princess, if I may be so bold..."
One of the maids spoke up cautiously.
"Those tools... are they, um, things you used yourself...?"
Her voice, which started out trying to sound as calm and clear as possible, grew smaller and smaller toward the end.
I smirked inwardly.
The princess of this country must be easier to push around than I thought.
I furrowed my brow slightly and spoke slowly.
"Do you find me amusing?"
The room fell dead silent in an instant.
"You're not even asking what they're for, yet you dare ask if I, the princess, used them myself?"
My gaze slowly swept over her.
"You've got quite the nerve."
The maid's face turned stark white, and she dropped to her knees on the floor.
"I-I apologize, Princess! I have committed a sin worthy of death!"
A sin worthy of death.
Not quite that far... at most, it's worth a good spanking.
Resting my chin on my hand, I murmured languidly.
"Hmm, how cheeky. Perhaps it would be better to have those tools the head maid took used directly on your body instead?"
The maid's lips trembled. Her terrified face was so blatant it was almost comical.
In the end, I chuckled softly and changed the subject.
"Just kidding. You're cute."
Then I asked naturally.
"What is your name?"
"E-Elena, Your Highness..."
"Your background?"
After a brief hesitation, the maid replied.
"I belong to the Imperial Intelligence Department 17th Knights."
Elena.
Ash-colored hair and a face dotted with light freckles. She wasn't my type, but she looked like an easy type to handle.
But an imperial intelligence agent? Why is someone who is practically a state spy serving as a princess's maid?
In an instant, my senses sharpened.
I was quite sensitive to changes in people's breathing or gaze. Reading a partner's state was second nature to me.
"What kind of game are you playing?"
My voice dropped.
"You, who sent you?"
Elena, who had been kneeling, slowly stood up.
It was a split second.
I saw her hand reach behind her back.
Swish—!
Along with the sound of fabric whipping violently, cold metal brushed past my face.
It was a dagger.
Exactly one second.
Within that brief moment, she had tried to slit my throat.
"Whoa, fuck..."
Touching my stinging, scratched cheek, I muttered with a dazed expression.
"That hurts like hell. This wasn't a dream after all?"
My breath trembled roughly.
"And here I thought it was just a week-long dream. It was real. Fuck..."
Elena, on the contrary, looked even more bewildered by my reaction.
"What...? Fuck?"
She furrowed her brow.
"They said the princess lost her memory, but has she gone mad as well? You're speaking words I've never heard before."
I immediately shouted to the surroundings.
"Hey! You all saw that, right? Call for help immediately!"
The frozen servants finally snapped out of it and rushed out of the room in a panic.
But...
"Wait, I didn't mean for everyone to leave?"
When I looked around, only I and that assassin-like woman were left in the room.
Breaking into a cold sweat, I raised my hands.
"Hey, let's not use physical force. Let's talk this out, okay?"
Elena, gripping her dagger, said coldly.
"I had no intention of killing you from the start."
"...Huh?"
"I only intended to take you with me."
"What?"
I blinked in sheer disbelief.
"No, why are you taking me? My life was just starting to look up!"
Yes. After transmigrating as Princess Marchen, I had finally found a life goal after a whole week.
To make a handsome, erotic man my husband—
And to make him kneel at my feet.
It was perfect.
But I never expected a kidnapping ending right at the start.