Aylin Katram (4)
"Wh-why, Frey? You feel the same about m—"
"That is out of the question. I am a butler, and you are my mistress. A servant and a master were never meant to be joined."
"No! We can!"
"Moreover, my lady—you are mistaken."
"Mistaken?"
Frey spoke to Aylin in a tone of startling coldness.
"At the time, my lady, you were in great pain. And I was almost constantly at your side. Feeling gratitude toward a servant of the same age who helped you—anyone would feel the same. And on top of that—"
Frey placed a hand at about chest height—roughly how tall he had been at ten years old.
"You were only about this tall. You simply mistook that gratitude for romantic affection."
"Are you saying that seriously?"
"Yes. I am."
"Truly?"
"Yes."
Aylin could not believe it. That look in Frey's eyes, that tone, that manner—she had never encountered anything like it in her entire life. Not even as Iren had she ever seen him like this.
And she could not understand it. Frey had clearly told Iren that he liked her—that all of his heart already belonged to his lady, and so he could give none of it to Iren.
"It seems today's exertion has left you unwell. When one is in pain, one tends to lean on others. I will take my leave."
"Wait!"
Aylin seized Frey's arm in a rush.
"My lady."
"Just a moment! Frey! You didn't deny what I said!"
"I did. I said that your feelings for me are nothing more than a misunderstanding."
"Not that part! The part where I said I know how you feel! You didn't deny that! Frey—you like me, don't you? Don't you?"
Frey looked at her with strained eyes. Then, slowly, he opened his mouth.
"I cannot answer that."
"What?"
"Something is wrong with you right now, my lady. Conveying my true feelings in this state would not be right—not for me, and not for you."
"But—!"
"My lady. I intend to live my entire life for you. So please understand that what I am doing now is also for your sake."
Frey carefully pushed her hand away. Aylin did not want to let go—but even in that moment, the consideration in his touch made her fingers loosen of their own accord.
"Please settle your heart. If you wish to summon me, wait until tomorrow at the earliest. Forgive me, my lady."
The door creaked shut behind him as he left.
In that instant, Aylin's consciousness plunged into darkness.
Splash.
What had been nothing but empty dark was now filled with pitch-black seawater. Aylin gazed up at a surface where no light could be seen, and slowly sank.
Thud.
When she settled on the bottom, a blue light drifted around her and came to a stop. It was Iren.
Aylin lay there looking up at her. She had been certain Iren would be sneering down at her.
But she wasn't. Iren was gazing at her with something like pity. She wasn't looking down, either—she had crouched so that their eyes met on the same level.
"…You won."
"Yeah. I won."
"Did you know it would turn out like this?"
"You're me. You have all my memories. Have I ever made a bet with Frey without being sure I'd win?"
"Never—except for the last one."
"Right. I knew it would go this way."
"How on earth did you know?"
"That I can't tell you."
"A winner's privilege, is it?"
"That's not quite right."
Iren took Aylin's hand. Aylin stared quietly at the girl holding it.
"What do you mean?"
"I won this bet. But the match isn't over."
"Meaning…?"
"I told you from the start. We fight fair and square. Up you go."
"Eek—?!"
Iren hauled Aylin upright in one sharp motion. Perhaps because this was the world of consciousness, Aylin rose as lightly as air.
At the same time, light bloomed through the black seawater. At first there was only blue—Iren's color. But gradually the hues multiplied: Aylin's gold and crimson… and more.
"What is this?"
"Aylin Katram. You're far too buried in Frey alone. That's why you lost."
Iren ran her fingers through the light surrounding them. It was the light of countless people. Frey's light was there—but so was the light of everyone Aylin and Iren had ever met.
"When you love someone, you should look not only at that person, but at everyone around them. Do you know why?"
"…I don't."
"Because a person is not a single, isolated being."
"What do you mean?"
"You said it yourself—that watching Frey wrestle with concern for someone else didn't feel bad. Why did you feel that way?"
"Because… I wanted Frey to have broader human connections."
"Why?"
"Because broad connections… make a person richer."
"Exactly."
Iren caressed each light one by one.
"Frey is not simply Frey. To Aylin Katram, he is a precious person and a wonderful butler. To Iren von Valencia, he is someone she wants as her retainer—and the one she loves. To Duke Katram, he is a trustworthy vassal. To Karl Laupen, he is a senior he can rely on. To Professor Violet, he is a genius who causes far too much trouble but whom she still wants as a graduate student… All of those faces are Frey.
"So let me ask you this. If you blindly love only the Frey that Aylin Katram can see—can you really call that truly loving him?"
Aylin understood. And with that understanding came the reason for her defeat.
She had looked at Frey only as Frey. She had paid no attention to anything around him, thinking of him solely through the eyes of Aylin Katram.
That approach had been wrong. Just as Iren said, Frey was continually redefining himself through his relationships with countless people.
In the end, to love someone meant being able to embrace and accept the web of connections surrounding them as well.
But Aylin, drowning in the terror that she herself might disappear, had failed to see it. She had looked at Frey only from her own position, wanting to claim him as hers alone.
In truth, she had seen only one thing: Frey loves me, so if I tell him I love him, he'll come to me, won't he?
That thinking had been completely wrong. And Iren, knowing it, must have foreseen her failure from the start.
"Poor Aylin. In the end, you were still immature. You already knew the truth—you just lacked the experience to put it to proper use."
"Is it because I'm a newly formed, fake personality?"
"I didn't go that far. I'll be honest with you. I hold both identities. I was born as Iren von Valencia, but I was raised as Aylin Katram. But what about you? Do you have any awareness that you and Iren are the same?"
She didn't. Aylin had no such awareness at all.
If she had, she never would have done any of this.
"I see. So I was… a useless personality all along."
Only then did Aylin grasp her own situation.
A half-formed personality born of Jin:Polymorph. The other side held a complete identity; this side held only a single facet.
If I keep existing like this, I'll only be a burden—to Iren and to Frey both.
Aylin looked at the cluster of lights. Just as Iren possessed so many of them, the Frey she loved would go on steadily gathering more of his own.
She would be grateful simply for having realized it at the end. Aylin opened her mouth.
"I'm sorry. And thank you. I'll disappear now, so…"
Slap!
Aylin's head snapped sideways. Iren had struck her across the cheek.
"Have you lost your mind?"
"Wh-what?"
"Disappear? What are you talking about? Did you forget what I said? I clearly told you we'd compete fair and square."
"Huh?"
"You go and say all that to Frey and then just vanish—what does that make me? How am I supposed to face him? I can't do it! I won't! You deal with it!"
"Whaaat?!"
"Who said you could just decide to disappear on your own? Did I tell you to get lost? Did I tell you to vanish? Did I tell you to die?"
Iren threw her arms around Aylin and held her tight.
"You are me!"
"…!"
"No matter how hateful the things you've done—no matter that you tried to devour me—you're still me in the end! You think I'd throw myself away? I'm not that much of an idiot! So—!"
Iren's voice dropped sharply. It wasn't out of pity—it was because she was speaking as much to herself as to Aylin.
"Don't talk about disappearing or dying! Treasure yourself!"
"Is that… really all right?"
"Yes!"
"Even though I tried to suppress you and take over the body?"
"You're me—what does that matter!"
"Even though I'm only a half-formed personality?"
"We'll just gradually bring the two into harmony. Right?"
"Hic… hic…"
Aylin wept. She surrendered herself to the hand stroking her back and cried without end.
After a long while, she sniffled and spoke through her tears.
"B-but, um."
"Hm?"
"I-I confessed to Frey while saying I was you… and now you're telling me to clean it up myself. That seems a little… sh-shameful."
"You little—!"
"Kyaaah!"
Iren stretched Aylin's cheeks in both directions. But the one doing the pulling and the one being pulled were both smiling.
Iren let go of her cheeks and held out her hand.
"So—we're going to compete fair and square now, right?"
"Yes. I'll stand before you and Frey fairly, without shame."
"Don't forget. You and I are one."
"I'll keep that in mind. But first—"
Light burst from their joined hands.
"I'll be returning the initiative to you."
Flash.
Aylin opened her eyes. She clenched and unclenched her fist, over and over.
"I'm back. Haaah."
She covered her eyes with her arm.
"Somehow it all worked out. Or rather—is this where it begins?"
The Aylin within. She was herself, and also the opponent she had to overcome. But Aylin did not find the thought burdensome.
After all, human beings spent their whole lives fighting themselves.
"Urrrgh."
I had returned to my room and was thrashing about on the floor.
"My lady! My lady confessed to me! And I—!"
What! A! Terrible! Waste!
That lady had said she liked me. She had said she loved me!
What boundless honor! What endless affection! A voice so precious that all the treasures of the world could not buy it!
And I had kicked it away!
"Idiot! Moron! Worthless male!"
I slapped my own mouth over and over. This snout! This snout had rejected my lady's confession?
No—the head! The root of a person is the head, so this skull was the one at fault!
Thud! Bang! Thud! Bang!
After about thirty minutes of self-punishment, I stopped.
"Haaah… How am I supposed to face my lady tomorrow?"
I regretted it. But I did not believe my actions had been wrong.
Something about my lady had been off. It was only instinct—but where she was concerned, my instincts were right about ninety-nine times out of a hundred.
She had clearly not been herself last night, so refusing the confession had been the correct choice.
"I hope she's all right tomorrow."
I was worried. Mana Crystallization Disease didn't merely corrode the body from within—it spawned any number of concurrent ailments.
Endless research had managed to ease her symptoms, but no one could say when or where some complication might still appear.
"It's shameless of me, but I should try to lift her spirits."
I'd let her experience as much of the illusion magic she loved as she wanted. With that resolve, I went to find her the next day—
"My lady, about yesterday—"
"Ah! Frey! Perfect timing!"
My lady came out looking delighted and took my hands. Wh-what?
"There's a bit of magical theory I just can't make sense of. Could you explain it to me?"
"Y-y-yes. Of course."
"Wonderful! It's this part here—Heisenberg's logical formula equation."
As I walked her through the section that puzzled her, I studied her complexion.
Unlike yesterday, her face was bright and lovely. Had she recovered, then?
It bothered me that she made no mention whatsoever of what had happened the night before—but her peace of mind came first.
So one problem… had somehow resolved itself without me?