I'll Ride the Subway

It wasn't over.

"Old Man……?"

Damn it. Jeong-gu only ever called Father the Old Man when the man wasn't there to hear it.

"Ah—no. I didn't—"

No. That was wrong too. Jeong-gu would never have put it like that.

"It isn't that it isn't. It isn't."

"……What are you saying?"

Copying my sister had been hard enough. Copying my brother was worse. Five years between us, and I couldn't close the gap—of course I couldn't. Jeong-gu had been the smartest of us. Imitating me would have been easy for him. Thinking the way he thought was another matter.

Even so, if I didn't do it now, I might never get another chance. I would think like him, all the way to the end.

The Old Man.

Yes. I could manage that much. I could refuse to treat Father like family.

"If you're ready, begin."

He wasn't giving me time. I trudged up to the stump and stopped. The Core lay close enough to touch if I reached out, and still my body locked stiff. I wasn't ready. It wasn't only that I had failed to understand my brother.

This is hesitation.

I had always believed that when the moment came, I would use the Core. Now that the turn was mine, it refused to go the way I had imagined. What was wrong with me?

Ah. Of course. I had already watched it happen five times. If this had been the first, I might not have hesitated at all. Even a fourth might have been bearable. I had watched my brother and my sisters go down five times over. Of course I was hesitating. I had to get hold of my mind. Wasn't there some better way?

Yes. That.

I closed my eyes.

I shut them tight.

"What are you doing?"

Not Father. The Old Man had no patience in him today. So this really was the day he meant to leave for the Geofront. Nothing to do with me.

"I am closing my eyes and calling the cosmos to mind."

At that—

"Hoh."

The air around him changed.

"Yes. And what are you thinking, as you call the cosmos to mind?"

"I am searching for myself in the east of the universe, and in the west."

"Have you found yourself?"

"I cannot see me."

A thing smaller than dust. My hesitation felt a little lighter. Was this why he had told me to think of the cosmos?

But if I go on like this…… this is thinking like the Old Man, isn't it?

"Of course you cannot see yourself. Contemplate the vastness of the cosmos, and the worth of every one of us dwindles to nothing."

I had only ever meant to understand my sister, and my brother. Not once had I tried to ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠understand the Old Man. Why? Why had that thought never occurred to me?

"Every last one of you becomes a worthless little runt."

Runt. The name the Old Man had hung on me. The name he had given my frail body. My brother and sisters had called me runt as well, but that had been different. I had always known it meant something else.

I see it now. Why I had never once tried to understand him. I knew ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠the reason.

I don't want to understand him.

I opened my eyes.

"Well? Has some of that fretting blown away?"

"I have a question."

"Hm? Speak."

A doubt I had carried all along. Why had he taken me in, when I was nothing like the others? Why, even while he called me runt, had he never given up on training me? I could not have been the only one who wondered. Jeong-gu and the rest must have wondered too. No one had asked. Questions like that were not permitted to us.

We trained as we were told. When he ordered us to use a Core, we staked our lives on it. He told us to become hunters. He told us to go to the Geofront. It wasn't that we had nothing of our own to want, and so did only as we were bid. Aside from Hee-ju, every one of us had a dream. Jeong-gu wanted to build a house in the Geofront where all six of us could live together. I wanted the room on the highest floor of that house. They were dreams we could reach only by going to the Geofront, just as the Old Man commanded, and still they were good. They were ours. He had never ordered us to build a house for ourselves alone.

"Why the silence? Speak. Brooding again?"

No. The brooding was finished. I would ask the question that was not allowed. This was not my sister's way of thinking, nor my brother's. The runt—the only one of us who had refused the training. The runt who had kicked a Core. The outburst that had thrown every one of them off balance.

This is a thought that sounds like me. Doing what I wasn't permitted to do had always been my specialty.

"I was taught that a body forged strong gives an advantage when one uses a Core. Doesn't that mean there is no hope for me? Isn't that why the red Core was my share? You never expected anything of me. Did you?"

"Hm."

"Why did you drag me all the way here?"

I had said it.

"That is—"

But what followed was this.

"Even this father does not rightly know."

A disappointing answer.

"How is that an answer?"

"I brought you because I do not know."

"What?"

"In a little while, we shall see."

The Old Man looked down at the Core. So there was something.

"I was taught that unless I myself have the will to use the Core, it will not activate."

"That is so."

"And an answer like 'I don't know' is more than enough to break that will."

He was going to have to explain it so that I could understand. If he wanted to watch me use the Core, he was.

"This father's teaching was not wrong. That a superior body raises the chance of success with a Core is common knowledge among hunters."

Jeong-gu had said it might not be only that.

"And yet I have heard tell of another condition. One that raises the odds as well."

What? I had never heard of such a thing.

"But this father does not believe it. I take it for an idle tale."

"This other condition. What is it?"

"That……"

He hesitated, unlike himself. And then the answer came.

"I gave my word. I swore I would not speak of it."

The Old Man was finding more than one way to disappoint me today.

"Then I will not use the Core."

"Hm."

Trouble crossed his face. I had never seen that look on him. He was a man nothing ever shook. The only times he had been thrown were when I kicked the Core meant for Hee-ju, and when Jeong-gu changed the order in which we would use them.

"A promise is a promise. It cannot be broken."

He spoke as firmly as ever, but his face would not follow the words. Watching him, I knew it for certain.

He has no intention of telling me. Not even if I refused the Core to the very end. Was the promise that important? The Old Man glanced down at the Core again, as if he were minding its mood.

I let the strength drain out of my body and crouched in front of the stump, as if using the Core were somebody else's affair. At that, reluctantly, he opened his mouth.

"The promise cannot be broken. But one thing—this much I will tell you."

I didn't answer. Let him talk, then.

"If what this father heard is true—"

And so, for the first time, the words left him.

"If it truly is the truth, then there exists a condition capable of piercing even a chance of one in ten thousand. Even a Core whose failure stands at 99.99 percent may be made to succeed without fail."

I couldn't believe it.

"Is that really true?"

"Did I not say I do not believe it?"

It was, plainly, a hard story to credit.

"And what does any of that have to do with me?"

"I believe you may meet that condition."

Me? That would explain, at least, why he had never given up on me.

"Use the Core, and the answer will come of itself."

"Didn't you say you don't believe it anyway?"

"Should you fail, then that other condition was a falsehood."

It almost sounded as if he wanted me to fail. Had he kept me all this time only so he could confirm a failure?

"……"

"That is all I can tell you. If you do not wish to use the Core, I will not force you."

So my brother and sisters and I had been different from the very beginning. He had never expected anything of me. He must have known all along that I would be the runt who could not keep up with the training. Everything I had been agonizing over had meant nothing.

"……There is one last thing I want to ask."

"What is it?"

Then what had that been?

"Why did you teach me about the cosmos?"

Back then—

Why had the Old Man said a thing like that?

Why had he spoken to me so warmly? Why had he tried to pull me out, when I was sunk in worry?

"That is what you wished to know?"

"Yes."

A soft breath of a laugh. That face, from back then. A warm one.

"Because that is love of humankind."

"Ah."

So that was it.

"What is the matter?"

That had been the reason.

"Hm?"

"……It's nothing."

Love of humankind. He had said it meant one person liking another.

It had not been something he said because I was his son. It had not been something he said because I was the runt. Only because I was a person, the same as he was.

"What will you do? If you will not use it, I will take the Core. Without the will, use is impossible in any case. Forcing you would accomplish nothing, and I have no thought of persuading you. If you wish to stop, you may leave this very moment for wherever it is you want to go."

Now, at last, I thought I understood Jeong-gu. Why he had called Father the Old Man. Why he had refused to think of him as family.

"Was I ever family?"

"What nonsense is—"

"Were the others? My brother, my sisters. Were they family?"

"Of course they were! They were family, and that is why I spent so many years upon them."

The words came faster.

"Do you think I killed you? You are wrong. I gave you a chance to live. Without my help, every one of you would have died far sooner, out upon the cold roads of the world beyond."

"I know that much—"

"Bidding you use the Cores was no different. Without my help, do you imagine that in all your lives you would have had even one chance to lay a hand on a treasure such as this? Without the power of a Core, a man lives a worthless life in this brutal world and vanishes without a sound. Is that the life you want?"

I had never seen him talk so much.

"Sorrowful though it is that I have sent five children on ahead of me, I could not shed a single tear. A child yet remains. That is the part this father must play."

He looked short of breath. Well. That was what came of doing something he never did.

"I have never heard you speak at such length. If we had talked like this sooner, things between us might have been a little different."

The Old Man folded his arms again. He settled back into his usual self.

"Speak too much, and misunderstanding is born. If we would rather not wound one another, we must use fewer words."

Look closer, though, and it was not his usual self. His eyes were unsteady.

"Your brother and your sisters never once asked such questions. They understood this father's heart."

So he had lived all that time inside the delusion that they understood him. Being the greatest hunter in history had not made him good at everything.

What do I do now?

He had given me leave to walk away as I was. No family remained in the cabin. Unlike Hee-ju, I had no reason to stay for family's sake. And he did not even expect me to succeed with the Core. Then there was ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠no need for me to remain here—

"Hm."

He closed one hand around the Core where it lay on the stump. His hand was large enough that he could.

"Here."

He held it out to me.

"Green, so the chance of failure is lower than most. Even so, an Ability Core is an Ability Core. This one's rate of failure is ninety-two percent. Nine in ten die."

"……"

"By the odds alone, if even one among you six had succeeded, it would have had to be called luck."

A truth all of us had known, and all of us had worked to ignore.

"Odds are cold. They never make allowances. You ask whether this father expected nothing of you, the runt? I drove six children into a thing that kills nine in ten. Having done so, do you think the words 'I expect' could ever have left my mouth?"

So he had known, at least, how cruel a thing it was.

"But if I were you, I would have used the Core. Because—"

I thought I knew why.

"Because you have already overcome it. Because you already know what kind of life is waiting on the other side."

"Yes."

The greatest hunter in history. The wish that we would follow, without question, a road he himself had walked first. I saw the greatest difference between us.

I tried to understand my brother and my sisters, every one of them. The Old Man only wanted to be understood.

Fine. That suited me. I had no wish to understand him either. I reached out.

"I'll use it."

To lift the Core out of his one hand, I needed both of mine. I was still the runt.

"I am glad you have changed your mind. I do not understand why."

"You don't need to."

"Hm. Very well. The reason hardly matters."

The Old Man was wrong. I was simply too lacking to prove it. I was still only the runt. Someday, if I could hold a Core in a single hand—if that day came—then I could speak to him as an equal. Then he would no longer be able to dismiss me as a runt.

So I had to overcome it. If he had overcome it, then I would overcome it too. Not merely so I could chase after him.

I will surpass him.

I gripped the Core tight in both hands and closed my eyes. Pitch dark covered everything in front of me. I was ready.

"Calling the cosmos to mind again?"

Something shone in the dark. I thought it was starlight, until it drew slowly toward me.

"This father, too, calls the cosmos to mind when he would forget pain. He imagines boarding a spaceship and roaming the universe."

Like a pair of eyes catching light, two beams opened a path. Then the light swept past me.

"Not me."

And a massive body of steel raised a savage wind as it chased that light.

"You take the spaceship. I—"

I recited the vow inside my head. I would use the Core. I would succeed. No matter what.

A flare of green. A glare so fierce I felt it even with my eyes shut. Heat climbed my arms. Blood seemed to run backward, surging in toward my heart. My head emptied out. The strength left my legs. I was going to fall.

"Hhk—!"

No. I could not fall. I had already watched it five times.

A choked grunt. A scream. A gag. A sob. A wet, tearing cough.

Fall, and you do not get up again.

"Ohh—this is……!"

A hallucination? I thought I had heard Father's voice—no, the Old Man's—nothing like his usual tone.

So it was a hallucination. Had I failed?

I felt as if we had ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠talked like that once. The memory was blurring. A thin hiss, and the weight of the Core in my hands was gone. Strength was leaving my arms as well.

What?

Right. I had learned that. Balance with the arms. That was how you kept from falling. Like this.

"Hup—!"

I hauled my swaying body upright and slowly lifted my eyelids. They clung, sticky, and did not want to part. I forced them open. The Old Man stood in front of me. I dropped my gaze and checked myself. No blood. No bone showing. Arms and legs still attached, whole.

"Kahaha! Runt!"

He threw both arms wide and laughed, loud, excitement running away with him. Behind him the ground writhed. Then it split, and gravel leapt into the air. The Core ability that commanded the earth—the power that had made him the greatest hunter in history—was pouring out of him without restraint.