Chapter 227
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Translator: Ace
Chapter: 227
Chapter Title: Senior Year's Blues
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Im Ju-eon was an ordinary high school senior in South Korea.
She spent her days much like any other student at a liberal arts high school.
She'd wake up, go to school, attend classes, study during self-study periods after classes ended, come home to do extra studying, and go to sleep when sleep finally came.
Her grades hovered around the top five in her class.
She wasn't bad at studying, but she wasn't exceptionally gifted either.
...Actually, up until middle school—no, even into her first year of high school—she thought she was pretty good.
"Our daughter isn't trying hard enough, but if she does, she could get into Korea University!"
Back then, she took her mom's words at face value. She believed that if she buckled down in high school, she could go not just to Korea University, but even Harvard.
Of course, once she entered high school, she quickly grasped her place in the world.
Korea University was the kind of school where even being first in the entire school might not guarantee admission. And the habit of half-heartedly studying wasn't something that would fix itself overnight.
Still, up until her second year, she thought she could at least make it to a university with a name people in Seoul had heard of.
'Even Jigeuk is looking shaky...'
At some point, reality sank in. And even that was only possible thanks to some luck—the entrance cutoffs for Jigeuk had dropped in recent years, plus there was the regional talent quota.
Im Ju-eon just shrugged it off as the way things were.
"When you go to Seoul later, you'll live in Sinchon, right, Ju-eon? I'm gonna get an officetel right by Hongdae!"
"Sinchon? Please."
Seeing her friend still oblivious to reality was a bit pitiful, but she didn't bother enlightening her.
She'd figure it out soon enough.
Back in first year, they'd dreamed together of college life in Seoul, but now it all felt pointless.
She'd just go to whatever college matched her grades and somehow land a job.
That way, she wouldn't starve, at least.
"Ah, why! You didn't forget our pact to hit the club exactly at midnight when we turn twenty, right?"
Had they made such a promise?
"Did you scout out a salon on Insta? I'm gonna dye my hair this bright red. This pink shade probably needs bleaching first..."
Clubs? Hair dye? What was the point of wasting time on useless stuff like that?
Even if she made it to college, it'd be the same as high school—managing grades for a decent job.
And even with a good job, she'd have to start planning for retirement early.
"Yeah, yeah. Let's just study. We gotta get into college to go to Seoul, after all."
Im Ju-eon let out a deep sigh.
It was her friend's life—what did she care?
"When you get into college, Ju-eon, I'll buy you an officetel in Seoul ahead of time!"
"What? How do you know which college she'll get into to buy a place now?"
"Ah, the manager at work keeps saying rents in the capital region are shooting up every day~. We can rent it out, live there later, then rent it out again!"
"Still, that's jumping the gun! Plus, officetels aren't even appreciating in value!"
"Really?"
But her parents were a bit—no, a lot—of a burden.
Going to college in Seoul seemed unlikely anyway. Less than 50%? No, 30%... 10%?
Of course, with over half a year left, if she buckled down now, maybe. But everything felt so uncertain.
"If by some miracle I make it to Seoul, I'll live in the dorms, so use the money for your retirement instead, Mom and Dad."
"Aigoo, okay! Don't worry about a thing, Ju-eon—just focus on studying!"
She might not even get into college.
Who knew if she'd even be alive next year? Talking about buying an officetel now was ridiculous. Better to put it toward their retirement.
'It's not like I want to die or anything.'
Statistically, traffic accidents were the top cause of death, so who knew about tomorrow?
'The odds of surviving to take the CSAT are probably higher. ...God, I hate it.'
If her scores came out like this, would her parents be disappointed?
Well, nothing she could do about it.
'If I really tried, I could probably make it to one in Seoul.'
Her dad had gone to a prestigious university from a poor family in an era of fierce competition.
She'd inherited good brains and every support possible, yet couldn't raise her grades.
All because she lacked effort.
'Some people study 14, 16 hours a day.'
If Im Ju-eon studied even 10 hours a day, she could make it.
'Time to get my act together and hustle.'
Even motivational videos only fired her up for three days max.
Some days she managed a solid eight hours—success!
'Just a quick nap, then back at it.'
Other days, she'd sleep all day and ruin everything.
A nap would clear her head. Sleep recovered stamina, so it was fine.
'Tomorrow, I'll grind.'
Days like that, with zero studying, were all too common.
Average it out—did she even hit four hours a day?
'And I'm a senior.'
Calculating pure study time in her diary filled her with guilt when her mom brought sliced fruit.
'I'll study three hours straight after this. I can do it.'
But focusing for three hours straight? Maybe once or twice a month.
Thirty minutes in, she was lying on her bed.
'Just one hour nap, then study with a fresh mind.'
Of course, an hour later, she snoozed the alarm.
'I'll get up at 6 a.m. tomorrow.'
Today was a bust, so definitely early morning tomorrow.
She swore it, even as she wished tomorrow wouldn't come.
It'd be nice to just sleep forever. Why wake up again?
And so, at 6 a.m., Im Ju-eon casually turned off her phone.
'Sleeping deeply and studying is the best condition. Ten hours today will do.'
She set a goal.
Failed.
Tomorrow would be different, she vowed.
Failed again.
"Mom, my head hurts so bad. I'm just gonna pop into the clinic real quick and then study."
"Oh dear, you okay? Want me to come with? Must be all that stress."
Im Ju-eon couldn't admit it was from oversleeping.
"It's right nearby. I'll go alone."
She'd come back and really buckle down.
Clutching her throbbing head, she headed to the clinic.
"You say I have depression?"
Im Ju-eon furrowed her brow.
I waited a moment for her to process it, but she shook her head.
"I'm not really depressed or anything. No tears or that sort of thing."
"Depression doesn't always mean constant sadness and tears. Losing interest in daily life, lacking motivation, or feeling inappropriate guilt all fall under depression."
"But I'm a senior—how fun is daily life supposed to be? It's just study, study... I've always been like this with stuff I'm not into. My personality's a bit cynical."
Classic signs of depression without illness awareness.
They call it mood disorder or depressive episode now, but people still picture someone moping all day.
"Even if studying sucks sometimes, you look forward to a tasty lunch, or chatting with friends can be fun."
"...Yeah, some kids are like that."
Im Ju-eon's gaze turned even more cynical.
But then she chuckled, remembering how she'd once highlighted the school lunch menu in middle school, full of anticipation.
"I guess nothing really interests me. But the guilt? That's not inappropriate. For a senior, I barely study. I just pretend in my room, watching motivational videos."
To me, the guilt stood out more.
She lacked conviction even defending her own thoughts, hesitating in rebuttals.
Better than patients insisting they're always right—higher chance of treatment—but symptoms were clear.
"I'm not crying on the street or cutting myself, so isn't it fine? Family's harmonious, I have friends. Compared to how little I study, my grades are decent."
It's just my personality. Not super depressed. No suicidal thoughts.
She acknowledged mental health issues but drew the line at illness.
"You don't wait for a stab wound to seek treatment. You go to the hospital for breaks, sprains, even stiff muscles."
Common, yet a tragic delay in early intervention.
Depression starts like a cold and can turn to pneumonia, or a sprain to a torn ligament.
Some lecture to just tough it out and change your mindset.
But neither they nor the patient can accurately gauge severity.
"I see..."
Social stigma lingered, but being young and a good student so far, she wasn't completely resistant to treatment.
I pulled out the DSM criteria for depression and went through them, circling as I explained.
"Weight loss—you mentioned that, right?"
Starting with the most objective.
"Yeah. I haven't been eating well..."
"Oversleeping is definite, and fatigue too."
"Yes."
"Depressed mood—looks like it to me, but let's say no. Concentration issues are obviously there."
"Lack of focus while studying is a symptom...?"
"Yes. Self-blame and guilt—you do that. Loss of interest in daily life."
"..."
I covered subjective symptoms one by one.
She didn't deny the ones present, accepting more than five criteria.
"Not everyone lives like this, right?"
"Yes. You can get better too, Ju-eon."
"Do the kids who ace exams sit there forcing it like me, or are they overflowing with motivation...?"
Her eyes widened for the first time since entering the clinic.
Hmm, not exactly overflowing motivation.
"It's not about being good or bad at studying. There are friends who do worse than you, right?"
"Plenty."
"Are they disinterested in everything like this?"
"...Already planning clubbing, waiting for game updates..."
"Exactly. Moods go up and down naturally. Nice weather lifts your spirits, solving a problem brings joy. Then tomorrow feels daunting."
"I just feel nothing. Wish it all vanished."
That was the problem.
Im Ju-eon nodded.
"Why me? It's not like my life's that hard... Dad works all day but still thinks of doing things for me and smiles."
Her eyes, which claimed no depression or tears, grew wet.
Guilt surfacing again.
"Don't overthink 'why' right now. Could be studies, college, or not."
Therapy dives into that, but it needs a professional.
Solo negative rumination just spirals deeper.
"It probably started in your mind. But once unpleasant feelings hit and brain chemicals imbalance, controlling mood gets hard. That's why we call it a mood disorder."
"Ah..."
First, assure her it's not her fault.
Correct distorted thinking.
And intervene with meds for neurotransmitters.
"So this can improve? With herbal medicine?"
I nodded.
Fortunately, Im Ju-eon was starting to show willingness to treat.