The Somewhat Mad Saintess (9)
As I stood before the door and reached for the handle, a dull thud echoed alongside a scream.
"Argh! Fuck!"
"Chief Priest, are you running away?!"
"Block him! Don't let him get to me!"
The chief priest and the young priest exchanged frantic shouts. I quietly pushed the door open and stepped inside.
The first thing that caught my eye was the chief priest, stark naked and slumped on the floor. He clutched his temple, blood streaming through his fingers.
"Grab him quick!" the chief priest bellowed toward the bed in the back of the office.
There stood the young priest, also stripped bare, his back to me as he crouched awkwardly. At the edge of the bed, bracing himself with both legs, he gripped a binding rope in his hands.
"Beat him unconscious! I don't care if he gets hurt!"
"How am I supposed to knock him out like that?! He keeps healing himself no matter how many times I hit him!"
On the bed, Saintess Celereja glared like a feral cat, her eyes blazing. Her clothes were torn to shreds, leaving her nearly naked, holy power ceaselessly flowing from her exposed skin. In both hands, she clutched altar candlesticks about the length of a longsword, their tips stained with fresh blood.
"Mmph! Mmph!"
With a gag in her mouth, the saintess drooled as she swung the candlestick with ferocious momentum. Each whoosh forced the young priest to stagger back a step.
"Don't back off! If you can't catch that bitch, kiss your next promotion goodbye!"
Under the chief priest's threat, the young priest shot Celereja a look of utter despair.
"Mmph! Mmph!"
"Fuck this shit! I don't care anymore!"
The young priest leaped onto the bed and tackled her. Celereja tried to fend him off with the candlestick, but she couldn't overcome the difference in physical strength. He wrenched it away, flipped her over, pinned her down, and started pummeling her with his fists.
"You fucking whore! You wouldn't be getting this if you'd just played nice!"
"Mmph! Mmph!"
I kicked the half-open door wide and strode in. The hinges ripped free, sending the entire door crashing down. The sudden boom made both priests whip around toward me. Confusion and shock crossed their faces upon spotting me.
"The innkeeper...?"
I marched past the dazed chief priest straight to the bed.
"Wha... what the...?"
The young priest twisted his head to follow me, looking like a lost idiot. Standing by the bed, I reached out and seized his throat.
"Gahk...!"
I hoisted him into the air, swung him in a wide arc, and slammed him into the floor. He hit so hard he couldn't even scream, his mouth gaping as his back arched unnaturally.
"Saintess."
I untied the gag from the fallen woman on the bed.
"Pwah...! Bertrand...?!"
"Rest here a bit."
I tossed her a blanket and turned away. The chief priest still clutched his bleeding head; the young one coughed as he crawled toward the wall.
"Choose."
My voice made their shoulders flinch.
"Get beaten half to death... or just die."
"B-beat... the first one...?"
The young priest stammered through his shivers, but the chief priest roared.
"You filthy scum! I spoiled you rotten, and now you've lost your damn mind! Do you even know where you are?!"
"Your office, isn't it?"
"This isn't a place some lowly merchant like you can just barge into!"
"Not anymore."
As I approached, he scooted back on his ass, his flaccid dick swinging grotesquely between his legs.
"Don't you know what happens if you assault a priest?!"
"I know damn well. I've beaten one to a pulp before."
I shoved his face back with my shoe sole. He toppled over backward. I stomped hard on the back of his hand.
"Argh! It hurts!"
"That's the point, you piece of shit."
I pressed harder, and his finger bones cracked with a series of pops.
"Aaaaaaaaagh!!!!"
"I hate priests. You're all obsessed with money and pussy."
"Urgh...!"
"Fair enough. Who wouldn't be? But there's one thing I absolutely can't tolerate."
I twisted my ankle, grinding his broken hand like extinguishing a cigarette butt. Foam bubbled from his mouth amid the agony.
"I hate it when people touch what's mine. Messing with my plans, stealing my money, harassing the people around me."
I lifted my foot, and he hastily cradled his shattered hand, curling into a ball.
"Seriously consider leaving this city before sunrise tomorrow."
He trembled too violently to respond. I squatted down and yanked his ear.
"If you decide to go, leave the saintess behind."
"Fu... fuck y...!"
I smashed his head into the floor with the hand gripping his ear.
Thud! Thud!
After a few slams, blood erupted from his already injured temple.
"Answer me, asshole."
Finally, the chief priest broke down begging.
"I'll leave! I'll go, so stop hitting me!"
"Fucking finally."
Then, from the bed, the young priest yelled.
"St... stay back...!"
I turned to see him somehow behind Celereja, arm around her neck. In his hand was a small cheese knife, its tip pricking her throat. Thanks to her constant holy healing, no blood flowed.
"What the hell are you doing to a saintess who can use holy power?"
"Slit... slit her throat, and holy power won't mean shit...!"
"Ha. Ballsy little shit."
I grabbed a pen from the desk and hurled it at him with all my strength. It pierced straight through the back of his knife hand.
"Aaaagh!"
He dropped the knife, shoved Celereja aside, and collapsed onto the bed.
"Argh! My hand!"
He wailed helplessly at the pen impaling his hand.
"You fucking bastards!"
Celereja kicked his back, sending him tumbling off the bed with a roar. The office filled with screams and curses, deafening my ears.
Gazing at the neutralized priests, I pondered briefly.
Just kill these horny fucks? Nah... Assault and murder are worlds apart. Even if I faked it as an accident, the church would investigate, and Hildeva and the city would get ransacked. I could probably weasel out, but the city—barely reviving—might take an irreversible hit.
Better end it here. Admit to the assault, take the investigation—easy enough. Beating corrupt priests is within my power to handle.
"Burst their balls, you bastards!"
Hearing Celereja's shout sparked a brilliant idea. I approached the chief priest, who huddled clutching his swelling broken hand, and eyed his crotch.
"Urgh... ugh! What the hell are you doing...!"
"Hold still."
I squatted, balled my fist, and meticulously aimed at the front of his ass.
Realizing my intent, his face drained of color as he desperately shielded his balls with his good hand. I punched straight through, shattering the bones and crushing what lay beyond. The sensation was vivid.
"Kaaaaaaaagh!!"
His hellish scream halted Celereja's kicks and the young priest's struggles as they turned to stare.
The chief priest convulsed, eyes rolling back.
"Saintess. Sorry, but come heal him. He'll die if we leave him."
His condition was so dire Celereja rushed over without hesitation and knelt beside him.
"Wh-where's he hurt this bad...?"
I pointed to his groin.
"Eek...!"
"Hurry. Assault beats murder."
With a look like she'd rather die, Celereja hesitated before extending her hand just close enough to cast holy healing, head turned firmly away. Leaving her to it, I headed to the young priest.
"Please... mercy...!"
He clutched his groin with his pierced hand, tears streaming.
"If you're gonna use 'em like that, better off without."
I kicked his shielding hand like punting a ball. The pen drove through into his balls, skewering and bursting them.
"Saintess. This one's done too."
Seeing him foam at the mouth and roll his eyes, Celereja scrambled over.
A short while later, the two priests—miraculously saved by holy healing—sat slumped on the floor with vacant stares. Blanket-wrapped Celereja glared down coldly.
"I stopped the bleeding and eased the pain, but the smashed parts... can't be fixed."
The chief priest trembled. "Th-that means...?"
"You're eunuchs now."
I answered for her. The shocking verdict left them unresponsive, as if deaf.
"Let's not see your faces again tomorrow."
I said it casually as I left the office, but no reply came. We abandoned the despairing priests and exited the temple.
"Nooooooo!!"
The chief priest's wail echoed behind us as we stepped out.
Without saddles, Celereja couldn't mount, so we walked to the inn. Her bare feet soon ached, forcing me to carry her piggyback after some back-and-forth.
"Get on, or I'll leave you."
I started walking; she grabbed me then.
"...I'll ride."
She was light enough not to burden me.
"Don't touch my thighs."
"Then what do I hold?!"
Speechless, she shut up. The horse plodded obediently behind; Celereja stayed silent until the inn's lights appeared.
"Eat, wash, sleep. We'll give you clothes."
"The chief priest won't let this slide."
"After trying to rape a saintess and ending up castrated?"
"That's why. He'll bring combat priests for you."
"We'll deal then. Right now, I just want to scrub these filthy hands with soap."
"Why aren't you scared? Don't you know what combat priests are like?"
"I do."
She scoffed. After a silence, Celereja spoke.
"One thing I'm curious about."
"What?"
"That sword. What is it?"
I knew which one. "Just a decoration."
"Funny."
I chuckled wordlessly. I felt laser beams from her eyes on my neck.
"Not gonna tell?"
"Nothing to tell. Decoration. Mind your own business."
"If it's a holy relic, the church owns it."
"Take it then."
No one but me could wield the Holy Sword.
Fuming, Celereja rapid-fired. "What are you? An innkeeper knowing holy tongue? Beating priests casually? Scoffing at combat priests? Treating a holy-power-infused sword like decor."
"Doesn't that make you think it's healthier not to pry?"
My veiled threat stiffened her against my back. I'd said it offhand, but she took it seriously. To lighten the mood, I changed topics.
"Anyway, saintess, you okay staying here?"
"...Fine. Wherever I go, it's the same work. Might as well be somewhere scenic with comfy beds."
"Positive when it suits you."
I half-turned. "Saved you again—keep volunteering at the inn."
"Until when?"
"Up to your faith and conscience. Got nowhere else anyway. Not sleeping in the chief priest's bed."
She shuddered.
"Temple days, inn nights—meals, service, baths, sleep. Perfect."
"Bertrand. Thanks for saving me, but feels like I'm being played."
"Played how?"
"Like... you didn't save me purely out of kindness."
Strictly, I'd burdened her conscience to tie her to the inn for free. Even if she returned to the temple, she'd hesitate to refuse favors. But I lied shamelessly.
"As if."
Back at the inn, Della and Idi rushed from the yard. But Idi spotted the blanketed saintess on my back and retreated.
"People gone?"
"Yes. What happened? Saintess, why the blanket...?"
"Long story. Dinner left? Saintess and I haven't eaten."
"Saved some. Come in."
Kali bounded over, wagging and rising on hind legs to greet her warmly.
"Kali...!"
As Celereja shook her feet, Idi scooped him up.
Holy water baths once a week suppressed Idi's black magic power—and Kali adored her now.
Celereja ate behind curtains, then headed to a third-floor room. I assigned her next to Della and Idi's. Della lent clothes; Idi shyly heated bathwater. I tallied the day's ledger at the bar, extinguished the hall lights, and went up.
In the third-floor hall, Celereja leaned against the wall, towel-wrapping her damp gray hair.
"Sleep well."
As I passed to my room, she grabbed my wrist.
"Wait."
"Room not to your liking?"
"No... it's..."
She struggled. "Bertrand... I mean..."
Della peeked from the next room. "Master, goodnight!"
"Yeah, night."
Della closed the door; Celereja tried again.
"What I wanted to say..."
"Sleep well... Bertrand..."
Idwild slinked from the shadows, passing us to her room. As all staff entered theirs, Celereja took a deep breath.
"Thanks... for saving me..."
"No big deal."
She clasped her hands, bowed, and twisted away.
"I mean it... really, thank you..."
"If you're grateful, quit whining."
"Okay..."
"Anything else?"
"N-no..."
"Night then."
I turned; she grabbed my wrist again. Looking back, she held it while turning her head away.
"What?"
"Bertrand... um... huu..."
Her sigh trembled.