Living However the Fuck I Please (9)
"Huh...? What the hell am I looking at right now...?"
Celereja rubbed her eyes with both hands, as if she couldn't believe the scene before her. Despite the sweltering heat filling the room, a chill raced down my spine. Damn it... Celereja had seen it. I'd told her never to do it with Piana, and now she'd caught us stark naked and tangled up right in front of her. Was she about to blast us with a holy beam? Or grab something handy and beat the shit out of me and Piana like we were dirty laundry?
But once again, Piana was faster. A golden ray shot from her hand, striking Celereja square on.
"Uh... uh..."
Celereja couldn't fight the heavy droop of her eyelids and collapsed in a heap. Piana withdrew her hand and said,
"That was close. That girl's got a notoriously foul temper, even among the saintesses."
"You... know Celereja well...? Wait, shut up for a sec. Let me think."
Missing holy sword. Piana's sudden appearance. Informal speech. Voyeurism. Golden beam. Familiar with Celereja.
I racked my brain at lightning speed. My head felt like it was whirring with a high-pitched whiiiiiine.
And I reached a conclusion.
With a queasy feeling in my gut, I looked down at Piana's platinum-blonde crown and cautiously opened my mouth.
"By any chance... are you the Goddess...?"
"Took you long enough."
Piana—no, the Goddess—flashed a gentle smile and threw herself into my arms. I reflexively wrapped my arms around her shoulders as she burrowed in.
"Ha... haha..."
I let out a hollow laugh despite myself. The Goddess shook with laughter along with me, her shoulders bouncing. I was laughing from sheer absurdity, and she was laughing because I was laughing. Truth be told, I'd half-suspected Piana wasn't human. When the holy sword vanished and this sword-like(?) woman appeared out of nowhere, I figured maybe the sword had polymorphed into human form. The blade was white, the hilt gold—and Piana matched that description.
But I never dreamed the Goddess herself would descend in person. I'd just assumed she'd thrown a tantrum because I said I didn't need her anymore, snatching back the sword in a huff.
The Goddess lightly shook her head at my words.
"The holy sword isn't me. It's just a conduit that lets me intervene in the world. I can only manifest my power physically and observe the world through its blade."
"I see..."
"Disappointed I'm not the sword itself? Were you maybe consoling yourself by fantasizing about its sleek blade?"
"Hey, come on...! And isn't it weirder that I didn't figure it out? Who'd think a peeping tom sneaking into someone else's business and stirring up trouble was a goddess?"
"Sorry. It's my first time, so I'm not used to it yet."
"It's not about being used to it—it's your whimsy that's the problem. If you'd just listened to Della, none of this would've happened."
"Della's such a sweet girl. Pitiful, too. She's got a strong independent streak but she's fragile underneath, so you need to take good care of her."
The Goddess abruptly changed the subject, spouting nonsense. She didn't even bother defending the peeping part. She must really hate getting an earful from me.
"So, Goddess. Why'd you show up in person like this just days after taking the holy sword?"
"Well, didn't you say you didn't need me anymore?"
"No way... you took the sword because you were pouting over that?"
The Goddess ignored the question and veered off again.
"By the way, Celereja's so aggressive. Must take after her mother. That woman got fixated on one man and ended up excommunicated."
"You're talking about Celereja's mother? Oh, right—come to think of it, is she still alive? Celereja said they parted when she was dragged off to the Holy Academy."
"Can't tell you that."
"Why not?"
"It'd ruin the fun of life."
I stared down at the Goddess in disbelief. She giggled and leaned in to peck my cheek. I dodged it with a sigh.
"Celereja didn't ask for holy power... You know she was dragged to the academy against her will and nearly raped by those priests—why not help her out...?"
"Bertrand. I never forced holy power on her. I never commanded that holy power users be made saintesses. And I certainly didn't force that horny priest on her. Humans did all that."
"...Fair enough, if you put it that way. I got nothing."
She had a point. Celereja's tragic life was the church's fault, not the Goddess's. Just because she'd granted holy power to humans didn't mean she deserved the blame.
"But Goddess."
"Hm? What is it, Bertrand?"
"Why are you really here?"
"I don't want anything from you, Bertrand."
More bullshit. Was a god's answer to a human question supposed to be this ridiculous? But I decided to play along for now.
"Is that so? Then why pick me as the hero and make me do all those insane things for a decade?"
"Humans were the ones who ordered you around, not me."
I started to argue but realized she was right. Come to think of it, the Goddess had never directly commanded me to do anything. Everything I'd done was on humans' orders. She'd only lent her power when she deemed it fitting.
"Then why choose me as the hero if there was nothing for me to do?"
"Don't pry into that. It's the domain of the gods."
She spoke sternly, but it felt like she was dodging because the reason was embarrassingly trivial. Still, I couldn't force a god to spill.
"Fine... so why are you here?"
"I have something to tell you."
"Go ahead."
"I already did."
"When?"
We stared at each other blankly. Once again, I was struck by how absurdly beautiful the Goddess was—too much for me to hold her gaze long. I sighed deeply and looked away.
"I don't want anything from you, Bertrand. I just want you to do what you want and live life on your terms."
"Got it. That's what I've been doing. No need to worry."
"Of course. But lately... haven't you had some doubts?"
"Maybe."
She wasn't entirely wrong. After the king left, I'd wondered why she hadn't withdrawn her blessing—maybe I still had unfinished business for the world. I'd even briefly questioned if ignoring it all to run an inn was right.
But those doubts weren't enough to trade for my inn and staff. Whatever the Goddess thought of me, I, Bertrand Balder, was nothing like my vengeful father Blavhan Balder, who abandoned everything for grand ideals. Any assumption I'd be torn with conflict was just her overthinking. Still, it warmed me that she worried I might be struggling.
"I didn't take the sword because your words hurt my feelings. I just wanted to give you a free life."
"Guess I misunderstood. I thought you kept the blessing because I still had work to do."
The Goddess smiled silently and stroked my head. Her hand was cool and refreshing.
"I blessed the man Bertrand, not the hero. I want nothing from you."
"Thank you, Goddess. Now I can live freely without guilt."
"Live as you please. Ignore everyone else's eyes and do what you want. I'll watch over you."
"Does that mean... you're restoring the blessing?"
"A few days without you was too boring to bear."
I burst out laughing. Yeah, that tracked. The Goddess had loved my hero days because she could vicariously thrill through me without direct involvement—like nobles using knights for proxy duels. She'd experienced all sorts of wild dangers that way. Even post-retirement, I'd provided her modest entertainment, and she'd been thrilled.
I didn't know what the divine realm was like, but her quick return proved it was dull as hell.
"Good thing. I was tearing my hair out over Idi's black magic."
"A god restores her blessing, and that's all you can think of?"
"Give me back the sword, at least. It's a damn fine decoration."
The Goddess finally cracked up too. Her clear, bell-like laughter made me worry it'd wake Celereja.
"Oh, and are you sticking around to work here?"
"Why? Want me by your side forever?"
"Nah. One more week and the inn'd be bankrupt."
She chuckled low at that, wrapping her arms around my neck and shoving me onto the bed. Pinning me down, she kissed my nape repeatedly and murmured,
"I'll be gone by morning. Can't leave the divine realm empty too long. Oh, and Celereja won't remember tonight."
"Whew, relief. She's terrifying. Gentle as a lamb with me, but who knows when she'll snap."
"Don't worry. I've made sure it won't happen. Now that she's out cold anyway, how about some more 'worship' with the time we have left?"
"W-worship...? Holy shit, are you really a goddess? How do you twist that word like that?"
As she slithered downward, sucking on my chest with wet pops, the Goddess looked up innocently, like what's the problem?
"If it doesn't make a god feel good, what is worship?"
Irrefutable logic no mere mortal could counter. If a god said so, it was so...
"S-sorry, but before we do... I gotta ask something. It's bugging me too much."
"What is it?"
"Have you... ever spied on me with the other girls too...?"
The Goddess grinned slyly, stroking my groin.
"Hehe... curious, huh? Think I'll tell you for free?"
No way... still not enough...?