An Irreversible Relationship
10:00 AM on a Sunday morning.
In the cafe where they had set the meeting spot.
".........."
Ayoung sat in her chair and sipped the coffee she had already finished through the straw.
Only a tiny bit of melted ice water came up through the straw.
Even that was barely enough.
With just that, the thirst and tension still weren't gone.
'...Why. Like this.'
My heart was pounding.
It felt weird.
Actually, to be precise, it wasn't weird at all.
Because my heart had always been pounding during all the time I spent with Sunwoo.
But never like this, where something felt so off and awkward.
It was uncomfortable.
Strange and painful.
It was suffocating and irritating, but eventually it looped back around.
'I...'
Why.
And what for.
Ayoung twirled the empty coffee cup with the straw.
After watching the spinning coffee cup and taking several sips when thirsty,
"Eh? You just got here?"
"Sunwoo-nim....!"
11:00 AM.
At the familiar voice, she immediately stood up and turned her head toward the direction the voice was coming from.
"What. You already ordered?"
"No. I just arrived."
"Really? Then... yeah."
Sunwoo immediately sat down across from Ayoung.
'...Do you understand?'
Ayoung quietly placed her hand over her heart.
Sunwoo was dressed in the same comfortable outfit as always.
Compared to that, Ayoung had done her absolute best with what she could prepare.
She had gotten her hair done and makeup done.
It wasn't something she wanted to mention in this place, but it was one of the things she had learned in hypnosis at some point.
And because of that. Because she had put in as much effort as she possibly could.
"....Huuuum."
I was watching.
It was being shown.
From top to bottom.
With the end of looking at her own efforts, Sunwoo finally said what Ayoung wanted to hear.
"It looks nice? Hair and makeup. You can tell it's been prepared just by looking."
"I-It's like that?"
──Pounding.
The heart beat happily.
'As expected...!'
Sunwoo hadn't changed.
The kind and gentle Sunwoo was still here.
"Ayoung."
"Ye...?"
Relieved by that fact, before letting out a breath, Sunwoo continued.
"You seeing any men lately?"
"............"
Pounding...!
The heart beat out of sync.
Again. And again, this was it.
It felt unpleasant and suffocating. Something didn't fit together.
The feeling of the breath being cut off. The vision narrowing for a moment.
"A....No. There's no one I meet."
"What. It wasn't? It doesn't sound completely the same as before......Tch. No. Anyway, it looks nice."
"....I am."
No.
I can't let it flow like this.
Ayoung forcibly grabbed the topic that was slipping away and said it to hear what she wanted to hear.
"So that I can see Sunwoo-nim...."
"....Yeah."
"..........!"
Was the meaning finally getting through?
Sunwoo immediately looked straight at Ayoung with serious eyes.
'This time for sure...'
Will you listen?
Can you hear it?
No, maybe you won't be able to hear it.
But at least I wanted you to understand.
"Your feelings are clear to me."
"....Sunwoo-nim...!"
For Sunwoo.
For Sunwoo only.
"Now say it."
"....Yes!"
Because I wanted Sunwoo to know my feelings, my efforts, my value.
Ayoung steadied her trembling heart and faced Sunwoo.
"What exactly are you asking for?"
"....Eh?"
Exactly half of Ayoung's intention was realized.
"You set a meeting on a Sunday with no reason, came to this cafe, and dressed up like this... Even you can't vouch for it? Even family members vouch for that!"
"............."
Something. Kept going wrong.
While seeming right in front of my eyes.
When I seemed close, it blurred and disappeared again.
Like a mirage shimmering over the desert.
I approached the oasis to quench my dry thirst, but the desert only welcomed me.
The heart pounded unbearably suffocating.
Frustrated feelings. Moments that slipped past.
"...Have you already eaten lunch? I reserved a restaurant in advance."
I disregarded it.
I didn't accept it.
I couldn't accept it.
So I moved on to the next step.
"What kind of story requires a reservation."
"I have to see Sunwoo-nim. I can't not prepare."
Ayoung forcibly changed her seat and changed the atmosphere.
"Speaking of which, it's been a long time since you treated me."
"Is that so...?"
The wind of the past came back again.
The out-of-sync heartbeat disappeared.
The heart filled with joyful beats.
"Why. You know, that thing."
However──something. Subtle.
"Was it the church? There I was called for a meal treat and became an elementary school meal service, right?"
"...Thinking about it now, it seems like I did something I shouldn't have."
"What. It's not like you couldn't do anything."
Same as always.
Same as usual Sunwoo.
"Thinking about it now, it's also part of the memory and experience. Yeah. How is Sun-a lately? Does the church's experience help in raising kids?"
"Sun-a is....I'm fine."
I'm glad you're fine."
".........."
Again, completely.
The heartbeat went out of sync.
Clearly Sunwoo-nim had come with good intentions.
Still, why. Why like this.
'....Frustrated.'
The heart was frustrated.
It felt blocked, frustrated.
"This tastes quite good."
"I'm glad it suits your taste."
"I should bring the Nature kids later."
"............"
Even after arriving at the restaurant, the feeling didn't change.
My heart felt like something was hanging.
And if it goes this far, no matter how much I want to ignore it, it becomes impossible to ignore.
'....Why.'
Aheart that Ayoung could never think of.
'Why....!'
The jealousy that wasn't allowed to her.
The impatience.
"Huu... I ate well. So what was the story?"
"....Let's go to the department store."
"Suddenly?"
Ayoung's actions slowly started to seep in.
"I want to choose clothes."
"You really didn't reserve a restaurant just to ask me to look at clothes?"
"Will you look?"
"...Yeah."
And Sunwoo couldn't have missed the change in Ayoung.
...
.
.
After arriving at the department store.
Ayoung changed into several clothes and showed them to Sunwoo.
"How... is it?"
"It's fine."
A light suit.
"How is it?"
"It's good."
A flowing one-piece dress.
"This kind of thing...."
"Wouldn't it be okay?"
From clothes that seemed a bit too short
"How about this?"
From clothes that accentuated the body too much, which didn't match Ayoung's usual atmosphere.
Ayoung showed Sunwoo the best she could do
"The hanger is nice, so isn't it not a problem?"
"..........."
Sunwoo's reaction was exactly the same.
He just praised her.
Endless, emotionless praise.
Even though I felt more frustration because of that, Ayoung couldn't say it out loud.
"You really... look fine?"
"I don't think so?"
"..........."
It was not allowed to say it.
I knew myself that saying it would mean nothing.
Originally, it was the 'something' that she had sacrificed to be next to Sunwoo.
Because of that. Because of that, even more. I knew I couldn't ask for more from Sunwoo, but
"Sunwoo....nim...."
Ayoung reached out to Sunwoo.
Toward Sunwoo's arm, toward the inside, toward the palm.
She cautiously reached out as if she was trying to overlap her hand over his.
"Why. Give me a tissue?"
"............"
Rejected.
Ayoung raised her head silently toward Sunwoo.
Don't you know? If it's Sunwoo, you already know what I'm asking for? A pleading look full of it.
"...Ayoung."
Sunwoo answered.
"Why suddenly? You've never done that."
".....Eh?"
"You've never done that," you said.
Ayoung's eyes fluttered.
'You've never done that...'
It was strange.
What have I not done for Sunwoo-nim suddenly.
No. Before I could deny it, Sunwoo continued.
"You don't suddenly wear makeup."
"That is...."
Have I worn makeup all the time?
No.
I didn't wear makeup.
Even when I was in the NTR party, I didn't wear makeup or anything.
Because makeup in the church was considered somewhat taboo.
The makeup I learned was only....
"You don't suddenly make restaurant reservations."
"............."
Restaurant. I had never made a reservation with Sunwoo before.
Nothing had been returned to Sunwoo.
And naturally.
"Now you're even taking me to the department store... If someone sees it, they'll think I'm your wife."
".....I am."
Even choosing clothes.
Maybe it existed in my academy days.
But it was the first time I had done this at the department store.
Yeah.
Because it was the first time.
Because it was the first time.
"............"
Because the 'date' with Sunwoo was the first time.
It was tense. It was trembling. It was expected. It was hopeful.
I was thirsty. My heart was pounding.
I waited for Sunwoo, and all my nerves focused toward Sunwoo.
Unpleasant. Disappointed. Unfair. Desperate.
Frustrated. Painful. I wanted more.
But──what about reality?
"I treat you as I usually do?"
"......Eh?"
Sunwoo hadn't changed.
At least there was no change in 'Sunwoo's attitude toward Ayoung'.
In other words. Sunwoo treated Ayoung as usual.
That was all.
"......That is."
Ayoung could finally look back at herself.
"What...."
I felt it was moving away.
I felt Sunwoo was getting farther and farther.
The person who had been right next to me.
The person who had become even more precious now that I had lost him.
It now felt like it was far beyond my reach.
A sense of distance that was vividly felt even though it was right next to me.
But from the beginning, that had always been the distance between Sunwoo and Ayoung.
The only difference was
"...Hye-won-nim. Did something happen?"
Someone got closer to Sunwoo.
Sunwoo, who had never gotten close to anyone, who had been kind to everyone even when in the NTR party.
Now starting to get closer to someone.
"That... I got confessed to. Because he likes me. So that's why."
"Is that so."
That was why it felt distant.
Relative distance. Relative deprivation.
But in reality, nothing had changed from the beginning.
Wall
Sunwoo and Ayoung.
The wall placed between them.
".....Aha."
They. Because they saw it and moved past it, they could meet Sunwoo.
I. Because I only leaned on it, I couldn't meet him.
"Aha... Aha, Aaaah..."
Was it like "I'm happy being next to you"?
No. It wasn't.
Because Sunwoo kept his distance from everyone, I was relieved.
Actually, the truth inside, the sincerity inside.
"....Aaaaah."
There was no longer even a chance to pass it on.
Because.
"Why....Why me....!!"
"Uuu....Br....Ppuuuuu....."
It had already ended.
"Why....."
She had the opportunity.
"You keep making your mom suffer!"
"──Ppuu, Uwaaaaang....!!"
Already. Someone had taken it away.