Shadows
"Sunu oppa!"
We went cherry-blossom viewing.
"Sunu oppa...."
We grilled meat and spent a wonderful time together.
"....Oppa."
And so our picnic came to a cheerful close.... or so I thought.
"................"
If it had been the old me, I would have accepted that without question.
"What's all that stuff on your back?"
"Oh, snacks and drinks for you guys."
At first it was only a faint sense of wrongness.
"Want me to help?"
"Nah. I'm fine. Just go on ahead."
Sunu behaved exactly as he always did. The same man who had always shouldered the hard work in silence, propping up the party from behind, was doing it again even on a picnic day. He handled the chores as if it were the most natural thing in the world and covered everyone's backs. And so, of course—
"I'm thirrrsty...."
"Here. Water."
"Aah...! Lord Licht's holy water...!!"
"So what the hell even is that, you damn otaku."
—friction was stamped out before it could start. Trouble was prevented before it could bloom. No—more than that.
"The cherry blossoms are so pretty...."
"It'd be perfect if we could just spread a mat and lie down right here."
"Yeah? Then let's do that."
"".....?""
He set the stage so they could enjoy themselves even more. He made it so they could play without a single worry. Every tiresome job, every hard job, someone—Sunu—took care of all by himself.
"Thank you, Instructor!"
"Instructor... so a party leader really isn't a job just anyone can do, huh?"
One by one, gratitude piled up. Thanks accumulated and kept coming.
"It'd be nice if we had snacks too...."
"Want some?"
"Whoa! Soft chocolate chip cookies!"
And then—
"These are so good....!"
"Glad you like them."
—before anyone noticed, that "gratitude" began to turn into something taken for granted.
"A drink..."
"Here."
"Is there a trash can?"
"Just put it in the plastic bag."
"Could you take a picture for us?"
"Stay right there."
Requests that were slowly hardening into demands. Things she would once have let slide as only natural. But now—because she was watching, because she was aware—they stood out as jarring, off-key notes.
So this... was how it was.
A situation where gratitude was becoming something owed. Alien and yet converting into the ordinary so smoothly it felt inevitable—and in the middle of it, only Yeonhwa read the room first, raised her hand, and walked over to Sunu.
"So, Instructor, what the hell even are you?"
"...Out of nowhere?"
"Some space cat that flew in from the fourth dimension? Everything anyone asks for just comes out of that bag."
"I packed them just in case."
"Wow... you're seriously exhausting. I guarantee it—even if you'd been a pack mule, you'd still have made A-Class."
"Is that a compliment?"
"It's not an insult, is it?"
She praised him as if it were the most natural thing in the world. She acknowledged his work and recognized him for it.
....I.
No. Probably the whole "we" of the NTR Party.
Had any of them ever done that for Sunu even once?
Maybe back in the Academy days they had. But at some point every last one of those things had become "only natural," and for that "only natural," they had never offered a single word of praise, a single word of recognition.
Because it was only natural.
Because the "thing you were grateful for" was no longer something to be grateful for—it had become something you were simply owed.
"............"
Her chest burned. Somehow it felt as if she had been forced to face something she never wanted to see.
"Huh? Why's your face all twisted up like that?"
"...It's nothing."
Hye-won quietly kept her head down and clenched her fist.
Fine.
At least she knew now. She swore to herself she would never again let go of the reins and simply drift past it.
Hye-won took another step toward Sunu.
"You packed all of this yourself? What time did you start getting ready?"
"It's nothing special, so don't make a big deal out of it."
"No. I just... realized all over again how impressive it is."
"........."
"....Huh?"
Sunu stepped a pace away to the side. She didn't really understand why.
Hye-won did not stop closing the distance.
"Where are you going off alone?"
"Just something to do by the tents. What, you need something too?"
"Not really, but... is it okay if I come with you?"
"It's not like it's not okay... aren't you going to look at the cherry blossoms?"
"I'll look at them with you, oppa."
"..........."
She followed him. By the tents, Sunu started splitting the stacked firewood with an axe.
"Want me to help?"
"I'm fine. It'll be done soon anyway."
"........"
Sunu preparing firewood for the evening barbecue. Hye-won watched him, and when he was nearly finished she held out a water bottle and said,
"Good work!"
"....Mm."
"....??"
Sunu looked unsettled. He glanced back and forth between the bottle in his hand and Hye-won and asked,
"Did I... do something wrong?"
"What?"
"Why are you acting like this all of a sudden? Doing stuff you never do."
"Whaaat....??"
A wary look. Startled by the unexpected answer, she froze, and Sunu finished the thought.
"If you've got nothing to say, I'm heading back first?"
"Ah......"
Hye-won couldn't bring herself to stop him as he left.
Why are you acting like this all of a sudden? Doing stuff you never do.
".............."
She couldn't shake the words Sunu had said a moment ago.
Stuff she never did.
Stuff she was suddenly doing.
And before Nature—back when he had been with the NTR Party—the person who had shouldered every last menial chore and scrap of busywork...
".....Oppa."
Her heart gave a shallow leap. Breathing felt a little hard. Her stomach turned. She felt queasy and light-headed.
".............."
She had thought about it too simply. She had assumed that if she just apologized, if she muddled through somehow, it would be over.
But reality was far more tangled than that.
The everyday Sunu. The Sunu of the past. The shadow laid thick behind the man she had taken for granted felt all the darker and deeper for having been hidden so long under the light.
....What do I—
What was she supposed to do?
What did she even want to become?
She had only just started sinking into the thought when—
—ring ring ring—
"Ha-rin?"
A call from Ha-rin. In a worried voice asking where she was, Hye-won said she'd be right there and hung up.
"...Hooo."
Thank god the call had come before she could sink too deep. Hye-won lightly slapped both cheeks with her palms to snap herself awake.
The karma of the past couldn't be helped. All she could do was give everything she was capable of right now.
She coaxed herself along and headed back to where Sunu was.
"Ah...."
The spot where they had all been sitting together only a little while ago. The one place that had been empty of Sunu alone—
"Listen up! When you come out for flower viewing, you don't sit there acting all proper like some stuffy adult—you play like a kid!"
"Ghhhk....!?"
—was filled. Sunu was filling that place too. Caught in Yeonhwa's relentless grip, hauled over and forced to dance, bobbing along whether he wanted to or not. Even when he complained that it hurt and begged to be let go, Yeonhwa pretended not to hear and kept him planted right there.
That sight.
That scene.
.....This is—
Bad. In more ways than one, it was bad.
It was clearly similar—a landscape she felt she had seen somewhere, sometime, many times before. A scene from the NTR Party. From when they had all been laughing and playing together.
But if there was a difference...
"............."
Hye-won quietly slipped away from the group. The roiling in her chest grew worse. Something was becoming hard to endure.
"Seriously... pff— I said stop already!"
"....Ugh..!!"
For an instant, Sunu's laugh brushed past her ears—and in the end Hye-won fled without managing to face that sight all the way through.
"...Hang on. I'm gonna hit the bathroom real quick?"
Yeonhwa did not miss that retreating back.
".............."
Hye-won sat blankly on the toilet and remembered it. The smile she had seen on Sunu a moment ago. She hadn't known how to tell them apart before, but now she could.
That was probably—no, definitely—
He was smiling for real.
Not a face put on just to look like he was smiling. A smile that truly held something of his heart. Emotion and residual feeling that had simply spilled out.
"I...."
Unlike with her.
Only when he was with them did that smile show.
Which meant, maybe. Probably. No—for certain.
"Better them... than me...."
Wouldn't it be better if they stayed at Sunu's side?
"Someone like me..."
No.
It wasn't "wouldn't it be better."
"Someone like me...."
It was better. That way was far better.
At least they knew how to be grateful to him. They knew how to thank him. They could approach him with sincerity, and they knew how to put a real smile on his face.
So rather than her, it was better that they remain at Sunu's side—
"—What are you doing over there?"
"Hyeek!? ...Yeonhwa...?"
"You suddenly bolted off, so I was wondering what was up—and here you are, sitting in a place like this bawling your eyes out."
"I'm not bawling....ugh....ugh....!"
Her cheeks were wet. Droplets clung beneath them and fell, drip by drip. Tears that didn't even manage a sob—tears filled only with regret and a long exhale—soaked soundlessly into the floor.
"Well... I can more or less guess."
"....I'm fine. I'll head back soon."
"Cut the bullshit."
"....?"
Yeonhwa stepped in front of Hye-won and spoke.
"Instructor Sunu. I'm gonna snatch him."
"...What does that mean?"
"Exactly what it sounds like. I'm going to snatch him."
".........."
She didn't understand. She had no idea what Yeonhwa meant by that.
Wearing her trademark fierce smile, Yeonhwa leaned in and whispered toward Hye-won.
"See... I'm the type with a pretty bad possessive streak. So once I've snagged him, I don't plan on giving him to anybody—that still okay with you?"
"...What are you trying to say?"
"What do you mean, what. I've been saying it this whole time, haven't I?"
Instructor Sunu.
I'm making him mine.
"If you don't like the look of that, you'd better figure something out yourself, right?"
".....I—"
"And just so you know—when that happens, I won't even let you talk to any of the other girls, so handle it however you want."
"............"
Hye-won looked up at Yeonhwa without a word. A silent cry—but the "sincerity" coiled inside it came through without a single gap.
"Yeah. That's it right there."
She was sorry toward Sunu—that much was true. But selfishly, more than that, there was still "something" she wanted.
"Don't go thinking boring thoughts. If you're gonna do it, see it through to the end and then regret it. Got it, Boss?"
"....Yeonhwa."
"Don't get some weird inferiority complex. Just go for it. That's what the whole board is for."
"..........."
Hye-won slowly stood.
Still... better them than me...
The thought that Yeonhwa might be better, that the people of Nature might be better, was still there.
...Even so.
But. Even so.
"I haven't forgotten yet."
"Huh? Forgotten what—aah, right. That's how you do it!"
She steadied her heart once more.
It was already a ruined hand—but she still had the right to stand at the table.
Hye-won went straight to Sunu.
"There's something I want to say."
"Out of nowhere? We're about to head back..."
Of course Hye-won's karma—the past of never thinking of him—wasn't going to simply vanish. Being watched warily, having distance put between them, having a line drawn: all of that was only natural. And yet—
"Just a moment is enough."
"...If it's just a moment."
Hye-won had not forgotten.
"I want to have sex with you, oppa...!"
".....What?"
When things go south—fuck him.