Stronger Than a Woman's Tears Is Freshly Fried Chicken
After I got home, I threw my clothes straight into the laundry basket and walked into the bathroom.
I turned on the shower and let the water hit my head.
Just stood there.
And stood there some more.
Eventually, right around the time the water bill started to become a real concern—
"I want to die…."
A single phrase rose from the deepest place inside me. From the innermost recesses of my lungs.
I covered my face with both hands, trying to smother the faint burn of humiliation, but it wasn't easy at all.
In all the years I'd been alive, I hadn't felt this mortified in a long time.
First time since I cross-dressed back then.
At least that time I'd braced myself for it. This time it had come without any warning, and the shock hit that much harder.
[[[[───!!!]]]]
"…I'm fine, so shut up."
A low, resonant ripple thrummed through my chest. I appreciated the concern, but when all of them shouted at once my stomach churned, my chest went cold and prickling, and then a weird post-clarity haze settled over me.
"I'm not dying. I'm not going to die. Why the hell would I die?"
I might want to die, but I wasn't actually going to. Besides, I was already socially dead — so even if I wanted to die again, I couldn't. Telling a corpse lying there in pieces to "go die split in half" just makes you sound like a lunatic.
So Hecate, you too — stop. What exactly are you planning to accomplish by making me any more sacred than this?
[──,──.─.]
"Oh, is that right."
Prayer had been scarce of late, had it? And the second I start praying you come waltzing right out and do whatever the hell you want — or should I say, whatever your dick wants?
Given your appearance, you'd clearly run wild doing whatever your dick pleased. Why would I give you the chance?
[──…───]
"It's not a contract violation."
I am always praying to you in my heart, you know.
[……──,─?]
"You believe that?"
[……………]
"Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Aaah."
My mana hole began to flood with a catastrophic white light. It felt like my mana pathways were being forcibly painted over in pure white.
"Later! I'll buy you tanghulu or malatang or rose tteokbokki or whatever you want!"
[!,…..──,─]
"Hnnngh — haaaaaah…."
Only then did Hecate stop invading my mana hole. She whispered quietly that I had better keep that promise.
Of course. I'll crawl on my own, thank you very much.
I let out a dry little laugh and shook the water from my hair.
"Whew…."
Whether it was the shower or just having something else to focus on, my mind felt a little lighter. Which meant that the me standing here now could think about things coldly again.
Coldly.
Very coldly speaking—
"Whatever happens, happens."
Yeah. I was completely fucked.
A human being, when standing, wants to sit; when sitting, wants to lie down; and when lying down, wants to sleep. In other words, humans inevitably advance toward death — which is to say, sleep. Connecting that reverse trajectory back to life is only possible by going directly against human instinct. Like a salmon's homing drive to leave behind offspring.
I needed a driving force to overcome my own social suicide.
So I made a choice.
[Bark!]
"This is so refreshing~~~!"
A run outside, for a change of pace. The point being that sitting still only filled my head with gloomy thoughts. Getting out here and running, though — that filled me right up with positivity.
So what if my reputation was a little wrecked? I was going to teach, and the ones receiving the teaching were the students themselves. If their personal feelings kept them from learning, that wasn't my problem.
As a rule: failing to keep up with regular school classes is the teacher's fault, but failing to keep up with academy classes is the student's. Source: those parents from that parenting show. Loud as hell in front of the school teachers, and suddenly very generous with the cash in front of the academy instructors.
[Bark bark! Whiiine… bark!]
"Yeah, yeah. My good boy golden, Ran. Happy to go on a walk with your big bro after so long?"
[Bark!]
He wagged his tail like mad, pure delight. I ruffled his head and pulled a dog treat from my pocket, tucking it into his mouth.
"Let's rest a bit, then go. It's been so long since I ran that I'm out of breath."
[…Whiiine.]
"…What. Are you worrying about me right now?"
The second I said I was tired, Ran fretted over me. He even put the treat back in my hand and pressed his nose into me over and over, telling me not to hurt — so cute I could die.
"Awwwwww! My good boy golden Ran! You're too sweet to survive out in the world, you little idiot!"
[Bark! Bark! Grrrr~~♬]
I scooped him into my arms and bounced him. Yep. Our Ran was a real treasure.
Lightning spirits are all famous for having rotten personalities, but…
I'd raised him since he was a baby, and he'd turned into a total big-bro-obsessed puppy who only had eyes for me. Sometimes a treat or a strip of jerky would make his eyes spin, sure — but watching him wag his tail and insist I was still the only one? Nothing better.
"Yeah. What's social suicide matter? As long as I've got you guys, that's enough."
[…♬]
I whispered it while stroking Ran's head. Whether he understood or not, he wagged his tail and chewed his treat.
[───♪]
[~~~!~~♡]
[….──]
"Yeah. Thanks for worrying about me, you lot."
The other spirits answered in their own ways. Seiren sent a pleasant wave of water, promising she'd always be by my side. Shinpung declared that she was already at my side as wind, same as always. Hecate clicked her tongue and called me a pathetic, weak human.
One of them always came off like the villain of the group, but this was actually her being embarrassed. Kind of in the same category as a certain mage from my old party — all snappy and irritable on the surface, but quietly looking out for you underneath— heh. Heh. Heh. Heh. Hnnngh…!
[….─,──]
"I get it, so cut it out. Do you not know people jump every time you do that?"
Hecate's surprise purification attack. My mind and body went clear and transparent.
"Haaaaaah. Anyway. Yeah. That."
Good. Comfortable. This was the life.
Sitting on the bench, petting my good boy golden Ran, I stared blankly up at the sky.
…Should head back soon.
Getting too late would be a problem. I stood up and got ready to run with Ran again.
"Straight home."
[Bark!]
I kicked off and ran. Fast, but not too fast. By Awakener standards, running full-out was just being a public nuisance.
"Huff. Huff. Huff. Huff."
I stretched it out at a proper jogging pace. Breath rising again. Chest swelling. An A-Class ranker wouldn't normally get a racing heartbeat from a little run — but that was because I wasn't using any mana, just pure physical strength. If I was going to burn mana to run, what was the point of jogging? An Awakener sprinting on mana was basically villain behavior. Same as a car doing thirty on the sidewalk— wait, wait, hold on!
[Sniff sniff… sniff….. bark!]
"Ran? Where the hell are you going!"
That wasn't the direction of our house!
He'd suddenly caught a scent and veered off sideways. I told him no, that wasn't the way — but Ran was already locked onto something, running hard.
He's not usually like this.
He wouldn't listen no matter how many times I called, and I was just starting to wonder if I should reverse-summon him and send him home when—
"Huh? Isn't that Nari?"
"!,…Sunwoo…?"
[Bark! Bark! Pant pant pant pant!]
Only then did I understand why Ran had taken off.
"Kid just bolted all of a sudden. Wondered what was going on."
[Grrrr, bark!]
Ran reared up on his hind legs and launched himself at Nari. She was used to this by now, so she caught him naturally in her arms and started stroking his head.
"Cute. It's been a while — you haven't put on weight, have you?"
[Whiiine….]
"I'm kidding. Kidding. I'd give you a snack if I had one, but I've got nothing. Want some mana instead?"
[Bark!]
Nari opened her palm and gathered mana. A faint red light glowed across her hand, and Ran licked it eagerly.
"He takes it so well now. He used to hate it so much."
[Whiiiiine….]
"Aah, I'm not mad. Unnie's not mad, okay? The only one who gets mad is that bad uncle over there."
"You still want to go there?"
A strangely familiar atmosphere. I smiled faintly and sat down beside her.
"So. What are you doing around here at this hour? This whole area's nothing but bars."
"Ah. Well… I was supposed to meet Michael."
"That so. Waiting on the boyfriend, then."
Maybe I shouldn't have come. I thought about it for a second, then dropped it. Nothing got solved by thinking today. Times like these, you just pushed through on a Spirit Contractor's gut instinct.
"Gotta say, you really dressed up to meet the boyfriend, huh?"
"Well… a little, yeah?"
The girl who always insisted on tracksuits was out in a low-cut, flashy outfit. So this was the power of a Black man — no, of a boyfriend. Meaning the man who held her heart was stronger than the comrade who'd stood by her side her whole life.
"Not that I feel much of anything about it at this point."
"Hm? What'd you say?"
"Nothing. Never mind."
I mumbled something vague and turned my head.
….Huh?
And in that instant — something black caught my eye without meaning to.
"Hey… what's that on the back of your neck?"
"!!!"
Nari flinched hard and covered the nape of her neck. That reaction only made it more suspicious.
"I figured something just got on you, but… that's not it, is it?"
"….Not really. It's none of your business."
"True enough."
"…..Huh?"
But so what if I found it suspicious? What would change?
"It's your body. You'll handle it yourself."
"Yeah. Right. That's how it is."
My body. So I have to handle it myself….
"………….."
She looked somehow dejected. Almost disappointed. Before I knew it, the hand that had been covering her nape had dropped forward, and she was hunched over, body curled in on itself. Just silently stroking Ran and sighing.
Which meant I got a clear, unobstructed look at the tattoo carved into the back of her neck.
A spade shape, and… what is that. BC? The first letter's hidden under her hair.
At the very least, it wasn't a tattoo that fit Nari's personality. She wasn't the type to decorate herself, and she hated getting anything on her. Funny, then, that a girl like that always stood on the front line with blood flying everywhere.
"Sunwoo. That thing you said before…."
"The thing I said before?"
"…On the phone. That you'd, th-that you'd heard everything."
"Ah, yeah. I did say that."
I nodded calmly.
"That… when did you figure it out?"
"When, you ask."
Was she seriously asking because she didn't know?
"From the beginning, obviously."
"…………"
A look of pure horror. Had she really thought she was hiding it?
I shook my head and spoke to her.
"You think you can secretly screw around behind an Awakener's back? A Spirit Contractor, no less? Someone whose ears and eyes are the entire natural world?"
"Augh… th-that's… uuugh… that…!"
"Don't worry. You weren't the only one sneaking off to do that kind of thing."
"….Besides me. The others too…?"
"Yep."
Beep-beep-beep—beep-beep-beep—
An alarm went off on my phone. It was really time to head back now.
"I'm going first. Have a good date with your boyfriend!"
"W-wait, Sunwoo!"
"What. I seriously have to go now."
"………ry."
"Huh?"
What was that. I tilted my head, and Nari forced strength into her voice again.
"I'm sor….ry."
"…Why are you about to cry."
Don't cry, Nari.
"We're not even dating, are we?"
"!,…Th-that's…."
You don't have a reason to cry.
"Someone watching would think we were a couple and you cheated on me."
"……….."
"The only thing you need to apologize for is flaunting couple PDA in front of a single guy. That's it."
"….Sunwoo."
"Beyond that, you've got nothing to apologize for."
"………Yeah."
Silence. Head bowed in silence. And yet, for me, that reaction only made less sense.
"Isn't it weird to put it on full display and then assume nobody would notice?"
"…..I'm sorry."
"Don't rub salt in a single guy's wounds."
"I'm sor…ry. Sunwoo."
I didn't wait for an answer. I just turned and left.
"Hmmm…."
Somehow. I'd expected that when a situation like this hit, my heart would feel filthy and twisted up inside.
"…Should we get chicken for dinner tonight?"
[Bark!]
"Yeah. Some for you too… and if I buy for the rest of you, that good enough?"
[[[───♬]]]
Oddly enough. I didn't feel a thing.
Really, oddly enough. Unlike what I'd thought — that it would hurt at least a little.
"This is good."
Nari's face, the one that had looked ready to burst into tears at any second, vanished far too easily in the face of crispy fried chicken.