It's Too Much for Me
Mental distress / Psychological trauma
I was afraid of men.
It might have been because of that time when I was little, when a group of boys surrounded me and nearly forced themselves on me.
Once I Awakened I told myself I had to get over it, but it was never that simple.
The moment a man entered my field of vision my breathing turned shallow. If one stood too close, even my mana refused to gather.
And almost inevitably, the people who took the front line were men.
The tankers who stood ahead and protected the rest of the party.
A healer’s job was to mend the wounds those tankers took.
Even that most basic mechanism was beyond me. I was nothing but a walking defect.
And yet he wanted someone like me.
By pure chance, the front line of his party was all women. He himself stayed in the rear, far enough that I could keep him out of my sight and still fulfill my role.
For the first time I felt like I truly belonged in a party. For the first time I tasted a sense of accomplishment.
And then—
He even cross-dressed for my sake. Because of that effort, I slowly began to open my heart—to the party, and to Sunwoo.
I liked the party.
I liked this place that accepted me.
The time I spent with everyone felt unbearably precious.
So—
Because of that—
I refused him.
I had no choice but to refuse.
I couldn’t let go of this place. Of this situation.
Thankfully, even after that he remained the same gentle person. The party stayed the same, and the space that cared for me remained a place I could always return to.
I felt a little guilty toward Sunwoo—but then again, he had other women besides me.
There was Nari, who always stood proudly at the front.
There was Jiyeon unnie, relaxed and carrying the quiet allure of a mature woman.
And there was Se-a, the smartest of us all.
Compared to them I was nothing more than a plain, worthless pebble.
So I…
was whispering words of love to a man who was not Sunwoo?
“Kyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!”
“Whoa?!”
“Ah… a-uh… aaaah…?”
“…You awake?”
Ayoung looked around in half-panic. The hypnosis had only just broken; she still seemed unable to fully grasp reality.
At times like this the best thing was to stay still and wait until she could judge things for herself.
“Sun…woo-nim…?”
“Finally looking at me, huh?”
Her focus wavered, then locked onto me and stopped trembling. Her eyes held only me.
“I… this place… uugh—!”
“Feel like throwing up? Here—use this.”
I held out a black plastic bag. She snatched it and buried her face in it, retching several times before she finally managed to catch her breath again.
“Sunwoo-nim… Sunwoo-nim…”
“Yeah. I’m right here.”
She called my name over and over, as if searching for proof that this was real and not a dream. I sat down and quietly nodded.
“…I feel like I just had a really, really bad dream.”
“A dream, huh.”
If only it really had been a dream.
I picked up the apple I’d peeled earlier and showed it to her.
“Want some?”
“…Yes.”
The girl who had just been throwing up locked onto the apple like a magnet. She took it, bit once, then again, stuffing pieces into her mouth without pause.
At a glance it looked almost cute.
But—
“Uugh… uk… uuuuugh…!”
“Throw up in here.”
Knowing the truth, I could only feel sorry for her. Ayoung vomited the apple back up, then stared downward with a half-vacant expression.
“…? …??”
Even she seemed unable to understand herself. I popped the remaining piece of apple into my mouth and chewed.
“Where do you want me to start?”
“……I…”
The crisp texture was decent enough for clearing the head. I fed another piece to Seiren, who was nestled against me.
Tasty!
“Yeah, but your hands are dirty. Why are you—”
They’re dirty, so Seiren’s gonna clean them!
“Weirdly convincing.”
Seiren licked the apple juice from my fingers. If she’d been any ordinary animal the spit would have left them sticky, but as a water spirit she left nothing behind. I stroked her head with my now-clean hand and looked back at Ayoung.
“…Seiren.”
“Hm?”
Still dazed, her gaze shifted to the spirit. I lifted Seiren and settled her into Ayoung’s arms.
“…Sunwoo-nim?”
“Animal therapy.”
The world is hard because there’s not enough fluffy fur in it—or so some suspiciously rich furry once claimed.
Master…
“Stay put.”
Seiren looked a little sulky, but a few more head pats later would fix that.
“…………”
Ugh… she still can’t pet properly…
Ayoung stroked Seiren absently. Focus slowly returned to her eyes; something like recollection cleared them further. I let out a quiet breath.
She’s accepting Seiren’s touch, huh.
Without a word I pressed the nurse-call button.
She’s conscious, at least. The rest is for the professionals.
I waited for the doctors, watching her.
“…Sunwoo-nim.”
“Yeah? What is it?”
Ayoung looked at me with eyes that had grown noticeably calmer.
“It… wasn’t a dream, was it?”
“…………”
The words could mean any number of things. Depending on how I answered, something might shatter beyond repair.
“Want another apple?”
“…Yes.”
Escape from reality. Looking away. Putting things off. Those are all valid choices for a person.
And the same goes for me.
It’s basically just running away.
Reality would come for us eventually. There was no need for me to force her to face it head-on. Only someone who truly loved the other person would deliberately earn their hatred just so they could take responsibility afterward.
And unfortunately—
I no longer felt anything like “love” for Ayoung.
We’d never even dated. Being colleagues was already enough.
Someone might call me unmanly, but when I thought about everything that would follow, I was perfectly ready to give up on being a man.
Just picture it.
After “This isn’t a dream” comes “There’s a child in your belly,” and then “Even if it isn’t mine, I’ll love you and raise it.” Who the hell would want to take on that story?
At the very least, I couldn’t.
I couldn’t.
So I simply said—
“Is the apple good?”
“Yes… it’s sweet and delicious…”
—and stayed by her side only as a comrade.
A few minutes later—
“Patient Yun Ayoung?”
“Eh…?”
The moment had arrived. I stood and gave the doctors a small bow.
“Sorry for leaving the hard part to you.”
“!,… It’s fine.”
Maybe getting cursed at was just part of the job. I scooped Seiren back into my arms and walked out of the room.
One step.
Another step.
By the time Ayoung’s room had receded far behind me—
—Kyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!
“…Tch.”
Her scream reached me with perfect clarity. The entire walk back to the training center left a bitter taste in my mouth.
“Been to the hospital?”
“Yeah, something like that.”
Hyewon greeted me the moment I stepped into the training center. Why the hell was the company president hanging around here all day?
“Aren’t you busy at the office?”
“Thanks to certain very capable people, there’s nothing left for me to do anywhere else.”
“That so…”
You people really are something else. I dropped into a seat and leaned against the wall.
“Huuuuh…”
A faint fever simmered behind my forehead. Maybe I was running a temperature; my stomach felt off too.
“…She woke up?”
“She did. How’d you know?”
“I’ve been to the hospital a few times before, but you never looked this exhausted until today.”
A reasonable guess that something had gone down. I covered my face with one hand.
“Just… you know. It’s a lot.”
If, as party leader, I’d noticed the ticking time bomb earlier… would the outcome have been different? Belated regret mixed with the memory of Ayoung’s scream and left my insides thoroughly unsettled.
“Don’t blame yourself, Oppa. Like I said before—how were you supposed to know something even the other party members didn’t?”
“If I say ‘because I’m the party leader,’ does that make sense to you?”
“Even so, you can’t rewind time.”
I’ll say it again.
Oppa did the best he could.
“And… hm?”
“?. What?”
“…Nothing.”
I’m just going to step out for a bit, okay?
“Wait, what the—”
She suddenly vacated the seat, tablet and all, heels clicking away. I stared after her, bewildered, and felt a sudden cold brush against my cheek.
“Hik?!… Harin?”
“What are you doing here, Instructor?”
“Just… sitting, I guess.”
And why are you out here instead of practicing, you little golden child’s mother?
“I’m not a golden child’s mother.”
“Judging by your behavior, you definitely are.”
“…I’m going to try not to be anymore.”
“Nice to hear. Go on, give it your best shot.”
“Chiii…”
Harin clicked her tongue at length. I took the canned drink she offered and cracked it open.
“—Haaah.”
One gulp. Cool, clean, a little refreshing.
“Instructor.”
“Hm?”
Harin continued.
“Thank you. For saving me.”
“…………”
“I won’t forget this debt. Ever.”
“…Yeah.”
Watching her bow her head in gratitude, the thick, sticky fog that had been choking me cleared just a little.
Oppa did the best he could.
“Yeah… I guess so.”
I’d done everything I was capable of. And as a result, at least Harin had been saved.
A dry little smile escaped, as if something inside me had finally let go.
“Just so you know, I only accept cash for repayment.”
“Eek. What’s that supposed to mean, Instructor?! You already make way more than I do!”
“I’m always hungry, didn’t you know? Kids these days have no hunger spirit!”
“Instructor, are you a fossil? Wow, is this that ‘young fogey’ thing that’s trending right now?!”
Her voice was sharp, her face bright with a smile.
Selfish as it might be, that smile made the weight on my shoulders feel just a little lighter.