Chapter 18
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Translator: Ebonarch
Chapter: 18
Chapter Title: Psychiatry Appointment Day
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Today was the day for my bimonthly psychiatric appointment.
In truth, it wasn't anything grandiose like a full-blown psychiatric treatment. It was just a simple counseling session, followed by a prescription based on my current mental state.
When I was younger, I'd always been given strong meds every time.
But after entering middle school, things started stabilizing bit by bit, and by the time I reached college, I hardly needed any medication at all.
Drugs are a double-edged sword.
They calm the mind, sure, but they also leave you feeling utterly listless.
Whenever I took them, I'd spend hours just staring blankly, lost in thoughtless haze.
That's why I try to avoid them if at all possible.
No point in living like you're already dead.
"So, no issues at college either, then?"
"Yeah. I'm doing fine."
"Good. Made any friends?"
"No... not really anyone I'd call a friend..."
"No need to rush it. Right now, the important thing is getting comfortable around people. Once you improve a bit more, friends will come naturally whether you like it or not."
Dr. Yoon Seo-ah, the psychiatrist who's been handling my case since middle school.
Every session, she fills me with words of encouragement like these.
I've heard that some patients with mental disorders actually get worse when they end up with incompetent doctors.
But my steady improvement owes a lot to her.
She listens patiently even to my trivial stories and engages in serious counseling.
For me, she's the one person—the only one—outside my family with whom I can share things I couldn't even tell them.
"Doctor..."
"Hm? What's up?"
She picked up on my hesitant demeanor right away, sensing something important was coming.
Truth be told, I was still wavering even now.
Should I say it? Or keep it secret forever?
If I couldn't bring myself to tell her now, I'd never tell anyone.
I might just bottle it up until it bursts.
I needed to get help from someone before that happened.
"...Doctor, could you keep this between us?"
"Of course. I promise anything you say from now on stays confidential."
Dr. Yoon Seo-ah is famous as a beautiful psychiatrist, often appearing on TV and writing columns for newspapers and magazines.
If I didn't specifically ask her to keep it secret, who knew where the story might leak?
"The thing is..."
But when it came time to actually speak, the words caught in my throat.
Where should I even start? How far should I go?
Even with her, would she really keep it secret?
What if spilling it caused trouble for my family?
As I hesitated again, she gently placed her hand over the back of mine.
I felt the blood rushing back into my chilled skin.
"Sun-hu. Whatever it is, just let it out. Sometimes, voicing your worries to someone can help more than you think."
Her eyes, peering at me from behind her glasses, were earnest.
I felt a surge of trust—this was someone I could believe in.
"Doctor, the truth is... I've got something weighing on me."
"I see. What kind of worry?"
"It's... hard to talk about, but... it's sexual."
"Sexual worries, huh? Perfectly normal at your age. No need to feel ashamed."
It might be a common dilemma for any young guy.
But mine was a bit different.
"Mine's not quite like that, though. With me... it's my family. I see them in a sexual way."
"I see. Out of your mom, older sister, and little sister—which one?"
"...All of them. Every one."
I bowed my head as I said it.
It was out now. No taking it back.
Would she despise me? See me as some beast getting aroused over the family that raised me?
At least I hadn't confessed to actually going all the way with them. Small mercies.
"I think I get what you're agonizing over. It's that you can't see your family as just family anymore—you see them as women. As objects of desire."
"...Yeah. That's right."
After saying it, regret hit me late.
Embarrassment glued my eyes to the floor.
"Sun-hu, you don't need to torment yourself so much. Look at me for a sec?"
Her voice was kind.
I cautiously lifted my head to meet her gaze.
"It's natural to feel affection for someone. And sexual desire tagging along? That's just human nature."
"But Doctor..."
"Besides, sexual feelings within families aren't as rare as you might think. People just keep them secret, so it stays hidden."
"..."
Was that really true?
Was she just saying it to make me feel better?
"And you're acting like you've committed some grave sin, but you haven't done anything wrong, have you? You haven't forced yourself on anyone who said no, right?"
I shook my head vigorously.
"Then you're fine. Incestuous marriage is banned, sure, but loving someone? That's not a crime. Strictly speaking, you're adopted, so it's not even incest. Might get moral backlash, but no one can punish you for it. In Korea, the 'right to love' is protected by law."
"...The right to love?"
"Yeah. Remember how there used to be an adultery law?"
She stroked the ring on her left ring finger as she asked.
I shook my head.
"Adultery is when someone with a spouse has sex with another person—cheating, basically. Until a few years ago, that was a punishable crime called adultery. But it got repealed. Why do you think?"
"...Why was it repealed?"
"Because it violated people's right to love. Meaning, even if I cheated on my husband with another man, I wouldn't face legal punishment. Because I have the right to love."
"Ah..."
She slipped off her wedding ring and set it on the desk.
The gesture felt profoundly meaningful somehow.
"Cheating creates clear victims. If I cheated, my husband would be the victim. And yet, it's not a crime for me. Because I have the right to love."
Right. Cheating hurts someone.
But if it's not criminalized, doesn't that leave the victim wronged?
Mom's divorce from Stepdad was directly because of his affair.
She got the property split and custody, but he faced no punishment. Kept right on with his career.
"So what about love between family members? If family loves each other, who's the victim?"
She asked with serious eyes.
I racked my brain, but no answer came easily.
"There... isn't one?"
She smiled as if I'd nailed it.
"Exactly. No one's getting hurt. If anything, you're the victim here, Sun-hu. Beating yourself up with guilt over nothing."
"I'm... the victim?"
"Yes. You haven't done anything wrong. So no need for guilt."
Even if it was just empty words, her reassurance soaked into my parched heart like rain in a drought.
Tears welled up.
All the worries I'd harbored vanished.
The sins I'd imagined felt forgiven.
"Sun-hu, that doesn't mean you can let your guard down. Your family's special. Plenty of people will try to tear you down, even without cause."
"Yeah... there are."
The malicious fans always hunting for flaws.
And the reporters feeding them ammo.
They could never find out.
Right or wrong, if they did, they'd destroy our family.
"One more thing. Never do anything without the other person's consent. People have the freedom to love, but so does the other side. No forcing it. You get what I mean?"
"Ah, yes. I'll keep that in mind."
Her advice was obvious.
But that made it all the more crucial.
Crossing lines out of selfish desire could leave wounds no one could heal.
"Finally, Sun-hu—no one else catching your eye besides family?"
"Catching my eye?"
That was an unexpected question.
Did she mean someone else I felt sexual desire for, like with my family?
"Yeah. Like girls at your school or something."
"No, not really... Outside family, people still scare me."
I shook my head.
Not even close acquaintances, let alone anyone intriguing.
"I see. Scary, huh... Does that include me? Am I scary too?"
"No. You're not scary at all, Doctor."
She'd been counseling me since middle school.
Different from Mom, but a lifesaver all the same.
Might've even opened up to her more than Mom.
"How about with me, then? Ever felt sexual desire toward me?"
"...Pardon?"
I couldn't help but panic at her words.
Too sudden, too embarrassing to answer easily.
"Be honest. I need to know if it's only family you feel this toward, or if pent-up desire is just latching onto the closest women around you."
I finally understood why she'd asked.
Didn't make it any easier to process, though.
As I hesitated, she laid her hand over mine again.
Just like before, but this time it felt different.
She began stroking the back of my hand lightly.
A ticklish, shy sensation crept in.
Our eyes met, and her gaze behind the glasses smiled softly.
Never once before had I seen her as a sexual object.
But now that she'd planted the thought, my heart started racing oddly.
She's renowned as a stunning psychiatrist.
Top pick for TV mental health segments.
Intellectual looks, sharp insights, gentle demeanor—she rivaled celebrities in popularity.
And for me, she'd been my confidante for years, the closest outside family.
Toward this doctor, I was definitely feeling desire right now.
"...It's okay to be honest?"
"Of course. Tell me."
"I feel it. Sexual desire. Toward you too, Doctor."
"Hee-hee. Thanks. Guess I'm not over the hill yet."
She laughed and withdrew her hand from mine.
The fading warmth left me wanting.
What was I even hoping for? Nothing should've happened anyway.
I shook off the stray thoughts cluttering my mind.
"See? You're normal, Sun-hu. It's not exclusive to family—it's just overflowing desire finding the nearest outlet."
"Yeah..."
For a moment, I wondered if she was special to me.
Anyway, the session wrapped up like that.
"Remember what I said today. If more worries crop up, don't stew alone—talk to someone. Even if not me, your family."
"Got it."
With my big burden lifted, this session felt especially rewarding.
"Alright, Sun-hu. See you in two weeks."
"Thank you, Doctor."
I bowed politely to the waving doctor and left the office.
My steps home felt much lighter.
"Haa..."
Meanwhile, alone in the office after sending Sun-hu off, Dr. Yoon Seo-ah let out a deep sigh.
"Another flop this week... Such a golden opportunity, too..."
She slumped over her desk in exhaustion.
Then, forehead pressed to the surface, she mumbled to herself.
"But touching a patient... No, I could frame it as part of therapy..."
Her gaze fell to her right hand.
The one that had touched his.
In seven years as his doctor, physical contact like that had been rare.
"Next time in two weeks... I will..."
That hand drifted naturally below the desk.
Vanishing into her skirt.
"Ahh...♡"
And so, Dr. Yoon Seo-ah spent the time until her next appointment in her own private indulgence.