Thump! My Heart's Turmoil
I closed the study door behind me. From the other side, I thought I could still hear Leo’s laughter. My heart was still pounding violently. Thump! Thump! My chest hurt so much I could barely breathe. I stopped where I stood and clutched at my heart.
He’s truly awful! Leo! To torment me like this!
I walked down the corridor with perfectly silent footsteps. Yet inside, a storm was raging. He had touched the deepest part of me. He had broken through. The sensation of his hand against my cheek, the moment I leaned on his shoulder, the warmth I felt in his arms—all of it flared back to life like sparks.
My cheeks were still burning. The tips of my ears, too.
I reached my room. I quietly opened the door and stepped inside. My room was my own castle. The only place where I could truly breathe. A cozy space where not a single ray of light could enter. Here, I was neither the perfect Head Maid Yua nor Yua, the adopted daughter of Duke Heavenfield. Only I existed.
I quietly opened the wardrobe door. Then, from deep inside, I pulled open the secret drawer. Inside lay the pocket watch I had once given the young master—the one he had returned to me. Last night I had left it in his study and retrieved it late, placing it in a spot he wouldn’t have known about until I put it there. As if someone had hidden it. That’s what he must have thought. Foolish Leo. Entering your room is my only small act of rebellion. A trace of my love. Who would have thought you would find it.
I took the watch in my hand. The cool touch of metal. Yet the moment it met my skin, warmth seemed to spread through it. I pressed it to my cheek. It still carried the young master’s scent, or so it felt.
Leo. This is too much! Shaking me like this!
My cheeks burned. My heart ached.
The moments your hand touched mine, when your arm wrapped around me… they keep replaying in my mind…!
You probably thought it was just tutoring. That I had made a stupid mistake. But you don’t know. How violently my heart had pounded in that moment. How desperately I had fought the impulse that made my whole body feel as if it would crumble while I was in your arms.
I stood before the mirror. My face was still flushed.
The perfect Head Maid Yua does not get flustered so easily!
I never mix emotion with work. But in front of Leo, every one of my rules collapses. The pen slips, my handwriting becomes a mess, my cheeks catch fire. I even shed tears.
Stupid Yua! This is the worst…
But. Leo didn’t push me away. Instead, he wiped my tears.
Those words of yours. That gentle voice. It erased all my despair in a single phrase. You were the only one who understood me. The only one who loved even my imperfect self.
I held the watch to my chest. Thump. Thump. Thump. My heart hurt. It hurt so much. At the same time, I was unbearably happy. This pounding. This painful happiness. It’s all because of you! Every bit of it, Leo.
You teased me. You tried to peel my mask away.
And you succeeded.
But you probably didn’t know
what was inside the box you opened… Because you had touched even my deepest, darkest love.
But it’s all right. I quietly opened my secret drawer once more. Inside were fragments of the book you had been reading, a single strand of your hair, a scrap of the handkerchief you had used… It was filled with my most precious treasures. These were the only lights that had filled the two-year void you left behind.
I had protected everything about you. Even the sound of your sleeping breath.
I stroked the treasures in the drawer. My hands no longer trembled. My eyes shone intensely even in the darkness. Inside me, a new resolve was beginning to sprout.
Leo. Really… you have destroyed every part of me. I was broken the day you left, so I remade myself. All of it, for the day when… I no longer need to hide… When you can accept every side of me… At that time. Then you must prepare yourself. Because my love. My obsession. Will be far beyond anything you can imagine.
I will not hide anymore. Because Leo is mine now.
Hmm… come to think of it, I haven’t gone outside the mansion lately… The mansion itself is so large and has everything I need, so there was never any reason to leave. It might be good to go out just once.
With that thought, I prepared to head out and began dressing.
For the outer layer, a light coat…
I turned toward the dressing area to find suitable clothes in the wardrobe.
At that moment—tap, tap.
“Huh?”
Something tapped my shoulder twice.
It was Yua. When I looked at her, she held up the wooden board she was carrying.
“Ah… well…”
Yua seemed unusually sensitive and anxious, not at all like her usual self. She was even trembling slightly.
“I… haven’t gone outside at all lately, so I was thinking of stepping out for a short walk and some fresh air.”
I answered honestly.
“...”
Yua stayed silent for a long moment after hearing that.
“Um… why?”
“Is something wrong?”
Yua kept her head lowered and said nothing. No—she seemed to be quietly muttering to herself. No sound came out, but the shape of her lips suggested she was murmuring something.
“Hey… Yua? Are you all right?”
Her condition looked bad, so I waved a hand in front of her eyes and called her a little louder.
“…!, …mm.”
Only then did she seem to come back to herself and look at me.
“Yes. Just for a short walk.”
“Huh? Why?”
“Hmm…”
She was right. People were still confused, and problems could arise because of it. But—
“Then that makes me want to go out even more?”
“…?!”
Yua’s face looked slightly worked up as she pressed me. What was this? Was she excited? She seemed strangely angry…
“No—if I’m being treated as a war hero, then I should go out and help people when they’re struggling. That way I can be of at least some use to them.”
“...”
“Huh? Swarms of flies? Isn’t that a bit harsh?”
… My desire to go out vanished completely. I have no idea why she’s overreacting so much.
The night grew deep. All noise faded, and the mansion sank into profound silence. I set down the pen I had been using for work in the study and lifted my head from the pile of documents.
Tonight, for some reason… my mind is a mess. Is it memories from the battlefield? The emptiness this silence brings? Or… is it because of you.
I quietly left the study and headed for the garden. Moonlight faintly lit the way, and the scent of night-blooming flowers brushed my nose. My familiar footsteps naturally carried me to the small bench beside the pond.
Someone was already sitting there. It was Yua. She sat quietly, staring straight ahead.
She doesn’t get tired, does she. On nights when I can’t sleep, Yua is up working too.
I quietly approached and sat beside her. The bench creaked ever so slightly. Yua’s body twitched, then she slowly turned her head to look at me. Because it was night, her eyes seemed deeper and calmer than usual. As if they held something within that stillness.
“Yua. You still haven’t gone to bed? Working without rest even this late. It can’t be good for your health. The Head Maid’s health matters too, you know?”
I asked sincerely, the way one would ask a friend.
She wrote on the board as calmly as ever. But her gaze lingered on my face for a moment.
It’s work talk again. That’s just like Yua. Even sitting in front of me, she only talks about work.
Yet there was a very subtle warmth in her eyes. Instead of avoiding my gaze, she met it.
I looked up at the sky. Countless stars twinkled above.
“Lately I can’t sleep well at night. Even if I try to fall asleep, everything tangles up in my head. I’m fine during the day, but it always happens at night.”
I spoke honestly. I felt a little hesitant showing her my weak side, but for some reason it felt comfortable. In this place, I wanted to set everything down. I was curious how Yua would react, but I didn’t try to check. Just having her listen was enough.
Yua nodded silently. Her eyes remained fixed on the stars.
She’s listening to my story. Yua listened without prejudice. I liked that.
“After coming back from the battlefield… everything feels unfamiliar. The mansion, the people. Even myself. Sometimes I… forget who I am. The horrors of war, the things I did—they seem to devour me. There are many moments when I wonder if it’s all right for someone like me to keep living.”
I took a deep breath. The darkness inside me felt as if it were spreading into the quiet night.
I saw Yua’s hand tremble ever so slightly. She hesitated with the pen, then lifted the wooden board.
Her writing looked like dry analysis, yet somehow it carried deep understanding and sympathy.
I read her words again. It is a normal reaction. Her message seemed to reassure me. Warmth could be felt even from that cool writing.
“A normal reaction, huh… Not knowing who I am? For someone who’s lived with blood on his hands?”
“Still though.”
“Um… honestly, lately it’s comforting when you’re beside me.”
“Yua. Is it because you’re the Head Maid? Or is it just… because it’s you.”
I glanced at her. Her cheeks were faintly red. It showed clearly even in the darkness.
It must be hard for her to answer. It’s all right. This is enough.
Leo sat down beside me. My heart beat quietly yet violently. Every nerve in my body turned toward him. He opened his inner heart to me. ‘I can’t sleep,’ ‘Everything feels unfamiliar,’ ‘There are times I forget who I am.’ His pain flowed into me completely. My heart ached. His pain was my pain.
I wrote with forced calm. My hand was trembling, but I prayed he wouldn’t notice.
I hope my presence brings him even the smallest comfort…
“Um… honestly, lately it feels comforting when you’re beside me. Yua. Is it because you’re the Head Maid? Or is it just… because it’s you.”
His words pierced my heart. Comforting. That single word made all my efforts feel rewarded. Because it’s you. Not the Head Maid Yua, but me—simply me. My cheeks burned hot. I tried to avoid his gaze.
No. He mustn’t find out yet. How much I love him. How deeply I obsess over him. If he knew… he would surely run away…
I was afraid the deep darkness inside my heart would be exposed to him.
I gently took her hand. Her cold hand trembled faintly the moment it met mine, but she did not pull away. The starlight of the night sky seemed to shatter and fall across our joined hands.
“On the battlefield… whenever things got hard, I thought of you, Yua. Just knowing you were healthy and protecting the mansion… let me endure. It was like a single lantern lit in the empty corner of my heart. In the middle of that brutal war, the thought of you was the only thing that kept me sane.”
I revealed my most secret truth. I felt her breathing grow rough. From that small palm, I could sense the pounding of her heart.
Leo’s hand grasped mine, and the joy was so overwhelming I thought I might cry. He thought of me. He endured because he believed I was healthy and protecting the mansion. I… I was what supported him. My existence was everything to him. My body reacted to his warmth. I could not lift my head. He must not see my tears. My hand trembled faintly in his. Every sense in my body concentrated on his hand.
Leo still doesn’t know. It wasn’t me supporting him. It was Leo who supported me. Leo was my entire life. At the end of every hell I endured, you were there. I could not exist without you.
“When I came back, you had become far greater than I imagined. You managed the mansion perfectly and even took care of me. Now it feels like I’m the one leaning on you.”
I held her hand more tightly. Her cheeks were still red. That flush somehow looked lovely.
Yua remained with her head bowed. This moment was no longer a game. The distance between us had clearly changed.
I looked up at the night sky again. The stars shone brighter than ever.
“Yua. It’s been a long time since the two of us sat together like this, hasn’t it? Tonight, to be honest… I’m really grateful you’re here beside me. Like in the old days. Like when I used to watch you feeding the fish.”
I spoke gently. I felt her body flinch. The young master had called me ‘friend.’ I want to hear what you think too. Those words shook my entire heart. Like in the old days… like when I fed the fish. He remembered. He remembered the moments when I had been happiest at his side. My chest hurt unbearably. Tears threatened to pour out, but I could not cry aloud. I desperately held onto my reason.
I have to endure a little longer… Hic…!
The hand holding the pen trembled faintly. I must not reveal any more honest emotion. I lowered my head deeply and held out the wooden board. I prayed my handwriting would not shake. I prayed the thread of reason would not snap.
I wrote the board with an almost sobbing heart. Afraid my handwriting would crumble if my emotions grew any stronger, I poured every ounce of strength into keeping each stroke firm. The true feelings I could not fit into the words I will listen attentively. The promise contained in I will always stay by your side.
Yua kept her head bowed. I read her board.
I'm glad… that you would say such things, young master… I… will listen attentively… to your stories. The handwriting trembled slightly more than usual, yet the sincerity inside it reached me completely.
She told me she was glad. She said she would always stay by my side. Beneath her perfect mask, the pure and warm Yua seemed to be smiling at me. I thought this was enough.
I gently held her hand. Her hand was cold, yet inside mine it felt as if a small heart was beating violently.
“Thank you, Yua. If you’ll do that, then I’m more than happy. The night is deep… we should go back and rest.”
I quietly placed my hand on her shoulder. She did not pull away. She simply seemed to entrust herself to my touch.
I looked up at the night sky. The stars were still shining. I felt Yua’s small body lean ever so slightly against my shoulder. Just like that, we sat side by side in the quiet night garden. A comfortable silence wrapped around us. It felt as if she had returned to the Yua I once knew.