Tragedy and Hatred

I couldn’t catch a single easy breath. In the darkness, Yua’s quiet sobs kept circling my ears. The image of her kneeling at my feet, shoulders trembling, head bowed low, refused to leave my mind. My heart pounded with crushing self-loathing at the knowledge that I was the root of all this tragedy. But I could not stop. This play had only just begun.

When morning sunlight finally spilled across the windows, Yua stirred and opened her eyes. Still heavy with sleep, she tilted her head in that familiar, innocent way and looked up at me with the same pure face as always. On the wooden board in her hands, careful letters had been etched.

‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠

Even after I had been so vicious to her yesterday, she was still worrying about my mood. I rose from the bed without sparing her so much as a glance.

“Didn’t I tell you? I have no interest in a maid’s well-being.”

My voice had sunk even lower than yesterday. Yua’s small hands trembled violently around the board. Her eyes widened again. The hurt and confusion on her face bloomed sharper than before. I watched her expression through the mirror.

“Hurry and prepare the meal. If you’re thinking of wasting time like yesterday, you’d better prepare yourself.”

I spat the words while dressing. She could only lower her head, unable to answer.

Every mealtime was torture. Once again Yua had laid out my favorite dishes exactly as I liked them. But I…

I took a sip. “Cough—ptui. You call this food? It tastes like shit. Can’t you even manage something this simple?”

I spoke without looking at her. Beside me, Yua’s shoulders jerked visibly. The tips of her fingers quivered. The hand that should have been writing on her board stayed frozen for a long time.

I gave a cold, mocking laugh.

“I already told you.”

“You—”

“Your very existence is the mistake.”

“If you insist on a reason, the crime is that you’re here at all—wasting my time, draining my emotions. Completely useless.”

Yet I had to drive the blade deeper into her heart. Soon her eyes flew wide. Then the tears welled up, filling them completely. Yesterday she had cried softly; today she bit her lip hard, desperately trying to hold the sobs back. Tears slid down her cheeks, and in them I seemed to see every sin I had committed reflected back at me. I could say nothing.

The moment the meal ended I strode straight to the study. Yua remained standing dazed beside the table. At the sound of my footsteps she slowly lifted her head. Her eyes were bloodshot, raw, and the silent question in them cut me like a knife.

I stopped at the study threshold.

“And you,” my voice was low and merciless, “are forbidden from entering my study from now on.”

Her gaze shook violently, then froze solid. The study was not merely a room where Leo happened to be. It was the only place where she could learn letters, spend time with me, and glimpse my world. Taking it from her was the same as shattering her entire universe. I knew that perfectly well.

“Even the sound of your breathing irritates me. I ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠cannot concentrate.”

I closed the door without looking back.

Once inside, I collapsed where I stood. I truly felt I was losing my mind. I had chosen to steal everything from her, to wound her so she would hate me. Yet every wound I gave her returned to me whole. Right now I was carving pain into her worse than death itself.

Yua, hate me. Please hate me. That way… despise this miserable, worthless me.

Time slipped away mercilessly. One day. Two days. A week. A fortnight… Nothing changed. I kept wearing the mask and treating her cruelly; she kept trying to win my heart back.

This could not continue. She had to hate me more. Enough to never want to remember me. I had to become an irredeemable villain with no room for excuses or forgiveness.

One week remained until I left for the battlefield. In that week, how could I break her more completely?

She would probably defy my order and come to the study anyway. She would try to understand me. I had to crush that pure effort beneath my heel. I had to keep searching for the words and actions that would hurt her most.

I cursed this vile fate that demanded I extinguish my only light.

Faint sunlight touched the study window, but Yua no longer slept at my side. After several nights of carefully measuring the distance between us, she had finally returned to another room. Since I had driven her away so brutally, it was only natural.

A small breath of relief came, and then unbearable pain crashed over me like a wave. Perhaps it was proof that she had begun to move according to my plan.

But… But…

I never knew it would hurt this much.

Breakfast was brought by a maid. There was no trace of Yua anywhere. Staring at the cold table, I forced myself to spoon up the soup with deliberate indifference. The warm meals Yua had prepared with such care had become the most horrific memory of all.

Hours later the maid approached hesitantly, holding a note she said Yua had written on my board.

The image of Yua searching the shelves and carrying books to me flashed across my eyes, blurring my vision. I hardened my heart, picked up the pen, and wrote a short, brutal reply.

“A maid should only follow orders. Do not waste time on useless speculation.”

Lunchtime arrived. Yua did not appear. I ordered the maid to summon her, but the woman hesitated.

“Young master… Miss Yua says… she is not feeling well…”

My heart dropped like a stone. My ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠face went ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠from pale to sallow. I would rather have heard that she had exploded in resentment than that she was ill. But I could not show it.

“Nonsense. Must I concern myself with a maid’s health? Can she perform her duties properly while sick? Bring her at once.”

My voice was ice. The maid dared not argue and fled.

Soon Yua staggered into the dining room. In just a few days her face had grown gaunt; her eyes drifted, unfocused. The hand gripping the board shook badly.

She could not meet my eyes. She bowed her head like a criminal. The sight twisted my guts. Yesterday’s wounds plus today’s fresh humiliation made her small shoulders curl inward even more.

I stayed silent. Then I deliberately chose the words that would strike her weakest point.

“Maid. You are now useless as the exclusive maid of the Heavenfield ducal house. You cannot even prepare breakfast properly, you ignore summons, and you neglect your duties on the excuse of illness.”

My voice was as cold as my father’s had ever been in that study.

“The family’s honor cannot be stained by a worthless creature like you. If the world learns that such an incompetent maid serves our house, what will become of the ducal reputation?”

Yua’s shoulders drew tighter. The knuckles on the board turned bone-white.

“From the beginning you were never useful to me. All you could do was cling to my side and waste my time. From the moment I picked you up off the street, I never once considered you a being of any value.”

I stared straight into her eyes. My heart was racing so violently it might stop at any second. I watched her gaze fracture, then freeze. I watched her entire world collapse in front of me.

The moment I read those trembling letters, I understood exactly what I had become.

“Yes. Not even once. There is no longer a place for you in this house. Tomorrow you will be sent away.”

Yua’s eyes flew open wide. Shock and terror flooded her face. She shook her head frantically. With shaking hands she scribbled desperately.

She rose and tried to come to me. I stepped back coldly.

“You refuse? A maid cannot disobey the duke’s command. Do you truly believe a trivial thing like you can defy me?”

My last words sank into her heart like a dagger. All color drained from Yua’s face. Her body turned to stone. She stopped writing. She stopped moving toward me. Her eyes lost their anchor and stared into empty air. The warmth I had always known in them vanished. In its place swirled deep despair, confusion, and the faint but unmistakable shadow of resentment.

When I confirmed she would not move again, I left. Behind me came the heavy thud of her body hitting the floor, followed by the startled cries of the maids rushing to help her. I did not look back.

I knew this act was driving her to the brink of death. But it was necessary to survive. To survive, she had to hate me. Nothing would be more effective than dredging up the pain of her abandoned past once more. Only then could she despise me. Only that hatred could save her.

With that thought burning in my chest, I returned to the study and collapsed. I didn’t care about the reports scattered across the floor. I simply curled there, choking back silent screams—“Ugh… uuuugh…”—and wept without sound.

---

The final evening. When darkness wrapped the ducal mansion, I rose. Tonight would be the last act of this play—and its most repulsive, ugliest climax.

Yes. It ends tonight.

I moved secretly, avoiding the servants’ eyes. I put on an old coat I would never normally touch and pulled the hood low to hide half my face. At my waist I felt the key to the secret passage my father had quietly told me about—the only exit from this place.

My heart still hammered violently, yet my eyes had already gone cold and dead. Without hesitation I turned and stepped into the shadows.

My destination was the most hideous, most decadent place in the city: the red-light district.

There, I could carve an indelible stain onto Yua’s pure heart.

I breathed in the filthy air. Garish red and blue lights flashed. Vulgar laughter and sticky music flooded the night sky. The stench of pleasure and corruption clawed at my senses.

I headed for the most extravagant, most depraved building. The door opened wide. Flashily dressed women pressed themselves against me in greeting.

“Oh my, young master, welcome!”

I shuddered at their touch, but I had to finish this nightmare. I forced my lips into a smile—frivolous, vulgar, the kind I hated most. I let them link arms with me and allowed them to pull me into the narrow hall.

The loud music tore at my ears. Their flattery and cloying perfume suffocated me.

“Come sit here, young master!”

One woman laughed seductively and guided me to the most visible seat. The plush velvet chair only made me more uncomfortable. Women sat on my lap and clung to my arms, acting coy, but my gaze passed straight through them into empty space. I accepted a glass of liquor but never brought it to my lips. Their lustful eyes, their gestures, their sweet whispers were so repulsive I could only sit there awkwardly.

I did nothing. I responded to no pleasure. A contemptuous smirk or a narrow-eyed shake of the head was enough.

I prayed desperately.

That Yua was here. That she would see this. That she would witness my most hideous, despicable self with her own eyes. Only then could I sever the last fragile thread of hope left in her heart. Only then would she feel utter disillusionment. Only then would she grow completely sick of me.

My body felt like lead.

The words Leo had thrown at me that afternoon—“you will be sent elsewhere”—had wrapped around me like iron chains. To be abandoned. To be thrown out of this house, out of Leo’s life, and cast into some unknown place.

I’m scared. No… I’m terrified.

Fear swallowed me. I curled beneath the blankets, but Leo’s cold eyes and the words “useless,” “worthless existence” echoed in my ears like hallucinations.

Yet in one corner of my heart, a tiny spark still flickered—the belief that Leo could not possibly hate me this much. It must have changed after his conversation with Father. There had to be a reason I didn’t know. Some pain he was enduring that I could help him bear. My last hope glowed faintly.

I had to confirm his true feelings.

When the darkness outside deepened, I quietly left my bed. The corridor was silent; the servants were all asleep. Like a shadow I moved toward Leo’s room. The door was tightly shut. No shadow moved behind it. Perhaps after I collapsed at the table he had felt unwell and gone to bed early?

I paced anxiously. Then, from far away, I heard faint footsteps. They came from the rear entrance at the end of the corridor—an exit almost never used.

No way…

Instinct pulled me toward the sound. Carefully I crossed the dark hallway and saw the old rear door standing slightly ajar. Through the gap I glimpsed a familiar back. Leo! Even with the black hood pulled low, I recognized him instantly. That silhouette could only be his.

He was sneaking out of the mansion.

Why? Had I become such a burden that he needed to slip away for air? Or was he enduring some pain elsewhere, a pain I didn’t know about? A slender thread of hope brushed through my mind.

I followed him as if in a trance, keeping my distance, muffling every footstep.

The night streets were nothing like the ducal mansion. After rough, gloomy back alleys, Leo arrived at a street blazing with brilliant light.

This place… this was the red-light district. The place street children feared most before I entered the ducal family. A dirty, dangerous place.

Why is Leo… here?

I held my breath and hid at the mouth of a dark alley. Leo’s figure vanished into the crowd, then reappeared at the entrance of the most lavish, most decadent building. Laughter poured out. The people’s faces looked the most lewd.

Leo… my Leo… why…?

The door opened wide. A group of women greeted him. Gaudy, heavily made-up women affectionately took his arms and led him inside. For a moment I doubted my own eyes. My mind went blank.

Under the brilliant lights, surrounded by those women, Leo looked like a stranger. The solemnity, the pain I knew—everything had vanished. He was smiling brightly. Frivolously. Vulgarly. Not a trace remained of the warmth he had once shown me. He did not push their hands away; instead he mingled with them slyly. On his face there was none of the agony or sorrow I had seen these past days. Only a sense of liberation I could not understand and a disgustingly twisted pleasure.

Women sat on his lap and hung from his arms. He treated them as if it were natural.

Thump. Thump. Thump.

My heart seemed to stop, then slammed violently against my ribs. My head spun.

The hand that tried to write on the board convulsed and locked. Letters tangled. The pen clattered to the floor.

The person I called Leo no longer existed in front of me. His bright smile. The sound of him joking with the women seemed to reach my ears.

“Ah, I’ve finally escaped that damn maid!”

Whether he actually said it didn’t matter. That was what I heard. That was what my heart heard.

Leo… that Leo… my Leo… smiling like that in a place like this.

The reason he had been cold to me all this time wasn’t because he was struggling. It wasn’t because of Father. He had simply grown tired of me. I had become an annoying, cumbersome existence.

Even without me—because I wasn’t there—he was smiling so happily, so freely.

“Ha… hahahahahaha…”

Ice spread from my toes through my whole body. I felt like the abandoned child on the street once more.

All that remained inside me now was hatred.

Absolutely. I can never… forgive him.