The Aesthetics of Speed
“Lately, in the Dungeon Zone where our Wind Tower stands, there's been a truly horrific and ominous rumor circulating. A place has popped up offering something absurd called paternity testing!”
Servius, that bastard, kicked off the conference with a benevolent smile while immediately taking shots at me. To be precise, at my Beauty Tower.
“According to your utterly preposterous theory, humans have these things called genes—unique genetic traits that manifest in individuals—and you're testing for them... Heh heh.”
Servius stroked his neatly groomed, long, silky white beard as if reluctantly revealing a tragic truth, continuing on.
“Let's say, for argument's sake, that claim holds water. But how do you know if the results on that scrap of paper are true or false? Do you really think it's a medically sound approach to determine whether the child I've raised with love is mine or not based solely on that? What say you, everyone?”
“Well... Servius has a point, doesn't he? In the end, it's people delivering those paternity test results, and you can't tell if they're telling the truth or lying. Same old suspicion.”
“Doesn't the Wind Tower Master sound just like the Beauty Tower Master? Remember the war? That guy came up with all sorts of weird treatments.”
“Weird doesn't mean they all work perfectly. The uncertainty's what bugs me.”
It was a stark reminder that even renowned intellectuals could devolve into such primitiveness without basic scientific knowledge.
Good grief. After seeing it firsthand on the battlefield, you'd think they'd wise up by now... Still haven't gotten their heads straight?
I wanted to leap onto the stage and tell them to shut their mouths about their nonsense, but I decided to hear Servius out a bit more first. If he was bold enough to challenge the pinnacle of modern science boasting a 99.99% accuracy rate, he probably had some countermeasure up his sleeve.
“That's why our Wind Tower has developed a surgery that solves this issue at its root! The vasectomy!”
“Vasectomy? What the hell does that even mean?”
“Hmm... intriguing topic.”
Murmurs rippled through the mages at Servius's words.
No way... A guy who doesn't know basic anatomy is talking vasectomies?
Saws and hammers flashed in my mind, making me flinch. After a brief moment of shock at the unexpected term, I pulled myself together, and the picture started to clarify.
Humanity identified the vas deferens anatomically before 300 BC. That's back when the Korean peninsula was entering the Iron Age and the Three Hans era began—a distant past. Anatomical knowledge in the Iron Age was a mess beyond imagination.
But even then, reproductive anatomy was surprisingly detailed.
No matter how barbaric this world's medicine was, people lived here too. Interest in genitals ran high, so even a quack like Servius would know about the vas deferens.
“What exactly is a vasectomy? And how does it compare to paternity testing?”
Unable to hold back amid Servius's dramatic pause for effect, one mage shouted out.
“Heh heh, the reason for the vasectomy is simple. Even without paternity tests, kids usually resemble their parents. Like inheriting a father's hooked nose or a mother's protruding mouth, for instance.”
Servius replied with a warm smile.
“In other words, my proposal is this: Don't stir up family drama with ridiculous talk of paternity tests. If you've fathered a child that looks just like you, get a vasectomy to ensure no more kids—and put your wife's suspicions to rest!”
“What? So you're saying castrate yourself?”
“Ha, Wind Tower's really hit rock bottom now. Who'd go for that garbage surgery?”
As Servius explained, the mages' murmurs grew louder, laced with condemnation.
“Heh heh, lest there be any misunderstandings, allow me to explain the vasectomy in detail. What I mean is simply removing the testicles.”
“What does that imply, Servius? And what's the point of such a surgery?”
Even as another mage asked with a scolding tone, Servius maintained his affable smile and pressed on.
“Our Wind Tower has conducted extensive research. Through over 1,000 surgeries and studies, we've confirmed that removing just the testicles preserves full masculinity! You can still have relations with your beloved—without fathering more children!”
“Whoa... Is that even possible?”
“Removing the testicles... It's a wild idea I've never heard before.”
The crowd's astonished buzz swelled, leaving me speechless.
I hadn't expected a proper vasectomy with a scalpel in this era—non-incisional techniques weren't even on my wishlist.
But still, I figured it'd be at least an incisional procedure slicing the groin to find and cut the vas... Not chopping off the balls?
The words from this barbaric isekai mage made my soul want to flee my body. Yet Servius, at the center of the uproar, wore only a serene, gentle expression.
“Worried about the pain? No need. As everyone knows, Wind Tower has the finest mages and medical staff on standby at all times.”
Servius let out a hearty laugh, spreading one arm wide like a master showman. Familiar faces climbed onto the stage.
“Jeden, the fastest blade in the West Continent! Legs in 2 minutes 15 seconds!”
“G-Good lord!”
“2:15? Is that even human?”
The mages gasped in awe, and Servius continued.
“Elvin, 4th Circle mage of Wind Tower! 2:45 in his prime, still in the 2:50s now! And Wind Tower's prodigy...”
Like a baseball announcer boasting velocity readings, Servius touted amputation speeds. The butchers on stage puffed out their bellies proudly or feigned bashful modesty amid the praise.
“...And I, the Wind Tower Master, can still manage the 2:40s!”
“Woooah! Incredible!”
“Wind Tower rules!”
“Heh heh, but that's not my point! We're not just talking legs. If we can do legs in under 2 minutes, testicle removal? With focus, 3 seconds? No—a single second! One second of pain, followed by instant healing magic! This is the aesthetics of speed that perfects the vasectomy!”
“One second! This is medical history!”
“Waaah! True doctors!”
Amid the barrage of bullshit, my blood pressure spiked.
“Director? You alright?”
“Ah... yeah, just a bit dizzy.”
Dazed and unsteady, Walter steadied me.
“I'm Donald, 4th Circle mage of the Tower of Truth. May I ask the Wind Tower Master a question?”
“Heh heh, questions from juniors are always welcome. Conferences like this aren't for flaunting personal knowledge—they're for sharing, debating, and advancing medicine together.”
With Servius playing the kindly professor, Donald bowed slightly in thanks before proceeding.
“Then, great Wind Tower Master, when you first spoke, it sounded like vasectomy could replace paternity testing. But from what I've heard, they're entirely different. Ultimately, it just prevents future children— it can't confirm existing ones, right?”
Yes! Good on you, Donald. That was exactly what I'd planned to say, but he'd beaten me to it.
“Heh heh, to answer: Vasectomy and paternity testing aren't comparable, junior. Paternity tests lack verifiable reliability from the start.”
“But if you verify it—”
“All children deserve parental love. Some tower uses a dubious scrap of paper to divide 'mine' from 'not mine,' destroying families. But even without paper, can't you tell by looks? Eye color, hair, other traits—surely that's enough?”
Servius's words held no logic. He was just ignorantly dismissing genetic testing as unreliable because he didn't understand it—shamelessly, right here before mages from across the continent.
“But vasectomy? Once those testicles are gone, they don't grow back! So if you have a kid that looks just like your ugly mug, get snipped with peace of mind! But what if you get the vasectomy... and your wife gets pregnant?”
Servius swept his eyes over the audience with gleaming fervor.
“Haha, no need for long explanations. Between vasectomy and paternity test, which proves your wife's infidelity more surely? Obvious, right?”
“Yeah, nothing surer than severed balls.”
“Can't get surer than that.”
As mages warmed to this testicle-harvesting procedure, I knew I couldn't let it slide. Countless victims loomed if I did.
“Miner Gold, Beauty Tower Master. Mind if I ask a question?”
I shot my hand up with a booming voice. No surprise crossed Servius's face—his lit up like he'd been waiting.
“Of course, Gold Tower Master. What piques your curiosity?”
“Just wondering about post-op complications or side effects. Like mortality rates. Wind Tower loses about half of ten leg amputees, right? Beauty Tower's never had a single death.”
To his predatory grin at my direct jab, Servius smirked back thinly.
“Heh heh, quite the aggressive question, Gold Tower Master. Mortality isn't high. During research, cauterizing with irons killed five of ten, but with healing magic, only two.”
No, vasectomies aren't supposed to be life-risking procedures. I had to say it.
“Ah, confirmed quack.”