Mesugaki Allergy: The Loser Cat and the Book-Eating Otter
The loser cat opened the door. "Excuse me. You ordered the continental breakfast room service for two, right? Delivery's here."
"Eh, uh, u-uh...?"
Despite her earnest effort dragging the cart all the way to my room, the loser cat was visibly flustered. Even the sounds she made in surprise were so loser♥
"Why's the loser cat so shocked? Oh, don't tell me you've never had room service before, loser cat♥ Pfft pfft♥ Unloved spinster who's never even been to a motel with a boyfriend♥ Can't even get a tenant in that empty spinster womb♥"
Never even tried the room service they offer at motels♥ So pathetic♥
"No, that's not it. I was just a little surprised. I knew Darkness had all sorts of weird stuff, but I didn't know otters did room service too. Am I the weird one? Is it because it's my first time ordering and I'm acting all country bumpkin?"
Just as the loser cat said, the one who'd dragged the cart here was a book-eating otter about my size. It had its front paws on the cart instead of hands, wearing a tall chef's hat, a mustache, and a white hairnet. Those big round eyes looking up at the loser cat, its moist little nostrils twitching—it was adorable. I just wanted to grab that fluffy white belly fur and rub my Tyranno-face all over it while letting out some belly farts, brrrp brrrp.
"Ehh... Loser cat, are you discriminating against people right now? Even if it's a book-eating otter, you don't have to say it like that. Your mindset is totally loser♥ Total scrap♥ A scrap-heap mindset even grandma and grandpa ragpickers wouldn't touch♥ Needs a total overhaul♥"
"Um... uh... this one's not... a person... right...?"
Unbelievable! I knew the loser cat was ignorant, but this level of loser and racist bullshit? It was the kind of dumb, uneducated remark I couldn't believe came from my subordinate.
Loser brain♥ Loser walnut♥
"Ahem. That remark is offensive, sir. Us book-eating otters have earned recognition as a 'race' through long efforts. We even have the scientific name Homo ottercus."
The chef otter shot back.
"See? Told ya. Loser cat's a total rapist♥ And you've got those tiger ears and tail yourself♥ Why pick on otters♥"
"Uh, um... I didn't know book-eating otters actually existed... I was flustered because it was my first time seeing one. That was a slip-up. Sorry, I apologize."
First time seeing a book-eating otter? Must be the loser cat's loser eyesight.
"Apology accepted."
The otter's tail wagged excitedly at the loser cat's apology. So cute.
"Then I'll set up your continental breakfast room service. How would you like it arranged? Inside the room okay?"
"Yeah, that'd be great. Thanks. Tyranno, you cool with that too?"
"Of course I'd prefer that, loser♥ Do I really have to say it♥"
"Alright then, inside it is. Thanks."
"Very well... But hmm, ahem, uh-hmm. Ahem. Atchoo, atchii, elgee."
Suddenly the chef otter started fidgeting with its hind paws.
"?"
What's up with that? Gotta pee?
"Ahem, hmm. *Cough cough*, tip *cough cough*."
Suddenly sneezing...? Eeeeek... it's otter pneumonia...!
Otter pneumonia doesn't hurt much if you catch it, but it makes you smell like something otters love, drawing hordes of them to smother you in kisses...!
"Oh, you mean a tip?"
The chef otter's face visibly brightened at the loser cat's words. Not otter pneumonia...?
Tip? What's a tip? Obviously not English—maybe Hanja or Japanese? Tip... team... spit... No way it's asking this Tyranno-sama to hawk a loogie on it. It's not that perverted, right? Right?
"I forgot my wallet... Tyranno, got yours? Lend me some if you do. I'll pay you back later."
"Don't have one either? I had one but lost it. Why the wallet all of a sudden? Oh♥ Don't tell me the loser cat's trying to shake down someone smaller than her for bread♥ What a naughty loser♥"
"N-no tip...?"
The chef otter's face crumpled, then it slapped its paws on its hips and struck a total 'Hmph, I'm pissed off now (`´)' pose.
"In that case, no setup for you! ...Well, not no setup, just a little setup. Got it!"
"Uh, yeah... Got it."
The chef otter came into the room carrying two plates covered with silver domes. Then it fetched forks, knives, and various utensils from the cart, setting the room's table with practiced skill. True to its word about "just a little," it skipped opening the domes and petty sabotaged things like putting two forks on one side and two knives on the other.
The chef otter waddling busily on its short little hind legs was extremely cute. Watching it, I realized: tips were definitely this Tyranno-sama's spit. Didn't know it had such perverted tastes, but hey, world's full of all kinds... Someone out there must love Tyranno-sama's hocks.
It was sulking because it didn't get any Tyranno-spit. Spitting felt kinda gross though, so instead I gave it a copy of The Bird That Drinks Poison (Complete) rolling around in my room corner, telling it to enjoy. It loved that and finished the setup perfectly in a flash.
"Then I'll be off. Thanks for the book instead of a tip—I'll savor it. Not a page or letter left in this world; I'll chew every bit."
Not wasting food is good. Unlike paprika, where that stuff's missing right now and 60 seconds pass per minute. After finishing setup, the chef otter tucked the book set under its arm, dragged the cart away. Paws planted firm on the handle, long tail swishing to sweep the hallway—its retreating figure was so cute.
"Whew, what a morning surprise. Book-eating otters are real?"
"Loser cat. How long have you been in Darkness and you're shocked over a talking chef otter?"
Magic exists, the world's cutest, coolest, most adorable mesugaki exists, there are magical lifeforms that turn from cat to human and back, giant mesugaki-tentacle monsters for corrupting magical girl bitches—and you're shocked over a talking otter? In Darkness?
The loser cat must've had the same thought. She looked enlightened.
"...Let's just eat."
We sat at the table the otter had set. Breakfast was light: air-fried eggs, crispy French bacon, juicy sausages, two slices of toast. Drinks too—I had tasty cocoa, loser cat had coffee.
"Heard the milk in this cocoa comes from magical girls with massive udders milked fresh at the Denmark branch's Big-Momma Farm... Nah, probably just rumors...?"
"Oh, that... Um... Y-yeah, probably just your imagination. Definitely. Most likely..."
"Right? Just imagination? Even if Darkness is an evil org, they wouldn't drag in busty blonde magical girls for baby-milk squeezing, right?"
No matter how loser the magical girl, she wouldn't cosplay milkcow for mesugaki onee-shota bondage milking play. Totally coincidence that Denmark branch's magical girl capture rate and magical girl-villain marriage rate are 30,000x higher than others.
"Mmm. Tasty. Chef otter must've eaten a ton of cookbooks."
Every cookbook left in the restaurant corner for waiting had bite marks.
"Didn't expect much from a book-eating otter, but the cooking's insane. This sausage is so juicy."
"Pfft♥ Caught a dummy loser♥ Dummy loser doesn't even know what juicy means♥ Juicy's like the juice in orange juice♥ Why would sausage have orange juice♥ Total idiot♥"
"What? No. Juicy doesn't mean that. Juicy sausage means full of juices."
"Loser cat♥ You have no clue but pretended to♥ Busted by me♥ Feels super embarrassing now, huh♥ Your shallow Pacific Ocean knowledge all exposed♥ Shame party in your mouth♥ Total feast noodle♥ Total josu-bah♥"
Using pro terms like that makes her sound kinda cool. Can't lose to the loser cat. If I drop some pro terms, I'll look way smarter than her.
"Mmm, delicious. Cocoa's super juicy, sausage delivers. So nyam nyam. This... what was it... egg toast? Also very... myaru? Good myaru reaction, good good."
Russian skills rivaling natives. Loser cat couldn't hide her awe. The clink of knives on plates went on a while until breakfast wrapped up.
"Hoo... So full. Cleaned up and stuffed—finally feeling alive."
I dabbed my lips with a napkin.
"Belly full now—wanna review those confidential docs from yesterday?"
"What docs? Oh, the ones from that loser grad student slave? Where'd I put 'em? Can't remember."
I slouched in the chair, not wanting to get up, shooting her a hint.
"Ahem, uh-hmm. Lazy, ahem."
True to form as this Tyranno-sama's subordinate, the loser cat fetched the confidential docs tossed in the corner on cue.
"Alright, let's open 'em... Eeeeek?!"
Bad idea leaving it on the floor corner—ripping open the seal unleashed a poof of smoke, and a 180cm tall blonde big-tits tanned kunoichi nearly slammed me with a mating press, but the loser cat's nyan-nyan knuckle flick sent her packing.
"Phew... Scared me. That's why I said—there's a proper way to open 'em. Rip wild like that? Without me, you'd be mating-pressed by a 180cm tall blonde big-tits tanned kunoichi milf and becoming a daddy."
"N-not my fault♥ Blame the loser docs with pointless security♥ Why put traps on confidential files♥ Loser mindset thinking that protects secrets♥"
Anyway, after all that hassle, we finally accessed the spy suspect's profile.
"Lemme see... Vabseman? Joined pretty recently."
Vabseman? That's the spy's name? I checked the photo the loser cat handed me.
"I am Vengeance, I am the Night, I am Vabseman!"
Some badass-sounding slogan. And in the photo, a magpie slightly bigger than me puffed up huge with wings spread wide.
"What the hell is this lame villain... This guy's the spy? Kekeke♥"
Name's total loser too♥ Vabseman? Vabseman♥ Not even Batman's Vabseman♥ —same vowels, but those consonants make such a difference♥
"Don't underestimate him. Says here intel claims Vabseman infiltrated Darkness to develop mesugaki allergy."
"Me-mesugaki allergy? What's that?"
"Dunno. No specifics. But guessing? Probably allergic reaction the instant you touch a mesugaki or hear 'loser♥'."
Mesugaki allergy...! Such a loser yet terrifying allergy!
If that horrific plague spreads, everyone seeing a mesugaki would knuckle-flick us away to avoid allergies. Us poor stray mesugakis would wander streets homeless, starve and collapse—or ditch the mesugaki act to become good kids for survival! No more teasing losers with 'loser♥ dada♥ quick-shot♥ loser♥'! No threatening creepy adults: 'Loser♥ pervy eyes♥ Gonna call the cops♥ One call from me ends your pathetic loser life♥ Life in ruins♥'! Couldn't even tell magical girls: 'Loser♥ beaten by a weaker kid♥ Ultimate loser♥ Oh, crying already♥ Reeks of loser from head to toe♥'.
Mesugakis vanish from the world, only good kids left... World forgets 'loser♥', forgets 'mesugaki'... Mesugaki charm burning loser hearts fades, mesugaki foreheads buried in knuckle-flicks, no one cares. In that era of cheap mesugaki jokes, only this Tyranno-sama walks the desert alone.
"This guy's a total naughty loser!"
Vabseman, you shouldn't exist...!