44. Booze
"Hmmya... mnya..."
"Tyranno. Tyranno, wake up."
Shake shake... Someone's shaking me...
"Tyranno. Hey, Tyranno."
"Mm, huh? No, I wasn't sleeping. I didn't sleep. I was watching the whole thing."
I watched all the mesugaki, futanari, female corruption, despair, gender-reversal, obsession, BL stones—right up to the part where they double the number of Korean goraani!
"I watched it all... I wasn't sleeping... I watched everything... yaaawn..."
Rubbing my eyes isn't because I'm sleepy. It's just that some loser dust got in there for a sec.
"Mnyamnya... slurp..."
I lean back in the chair for a moment, savoring the afterglow of sleep—no, the afterglow of that refreshing eye-closed rest.
"Movie's over. Time to go."
While my eyes were closed for that quick break, the end credits finished scrolling, leaving nothing but a pitch-black screen. The theater lights have come on bright and blinding now, and it's just me and Lion left inside. The dim, always-packed theater feeling so bright and empty like this is pretty novel, actually.
Oh right, I forgot about that.
"Cookie. Where's the cookie video?"
"You wanted to see the post-credits scene? Tough luck, it's already done. You should've said something. I would've woken you up when it started."
Cookie video... I wanted to try one just once. Everyone's always raving about those cookie videos. How delicious can movie theater cookies be that people lose their minds over them?
"Loser cat's totally useless♥ You should've had that ready for me on the spot♥"
"You didn't even tell me, how was I supposed to know?"
"I have to spell it out for you before you get it?♥ Loser cats should handle everything without me saying a word♥ How can you lack that much sense?♥"
I grab the cup stuck in the seat's cupholder and slurp it up through the straw. Gack, cough cough. What the hell is this? It's water and cola mixed into total loser cola. And why's the straw all flat and bumpy? Makes it hard to drink. Weird. I never chewed on the straw. Feels like someone gnawed it to bits. Come to think of it, I've seen Lion chomping on straws a few times...
"Hmmmm..."
I glare at Lion with hawk-like eyes. Eyes sharply narrowed at the target. Pupils sharp as a hawk's beak piercing into her. No one bold enough to lie in front of these terrifying eyes that'd make anyone piss themselves just looking at them could possibly exist.
"Why are you glaring so cutely?"
But Lion doesn't even break a sweat. No way! Someone staying calm in front of eyes this razor-sharp like a hawk's? My deductions can't be wrong... and no one can dodge my hawk eyes... So that's it. Lion did an indirect kiss with the straw but didn't! Mystery solved.
Did an indirect kiss but didn't. Pretty clever for a loser cat.
"Nah? Maybe not?"
Maybe she really didn't...? Yeah, makes sense. Even if she was dying for a smooch with my lips via straw, no way a loser cat sneaks my straw and sucks on it. She's not that brave. My deduction pointed to Lion as the culprit, but looks like I was off. Even my Holmes-level reasoning skills whiff sometimes. Penguins fall from trees too, right? Happens.
"Loser cat. I'm hungry. You've got the honor of buying me a delicious dinner."
That deduction and hawk tongue action burned too many calories. My stomach's rumbling perfectly empty right now.
"Already hungry? You scarfed all that popcorn and cola."
"What're you talking about? Popcorn and cola are snacks. Hurry up and buy me a real meal."
~Good morning~ Good morning~ Bap bap bap bam, bap bap bap bam~ Good morning~
Right then, Lion's phone rings with its tone. Total loser cat vibe with that lame ringtone.
"Hold on a sec. Just a minute."
A loser like her should be weeping tears of gratitude just to hang out with me like this. And she dares pick up a call?
"Yeah, what's up? Already breached? In two hours? Then grab those two and stall for time. Yeah. Yeah, do that. Alright, hanging up."
Jealous of that phone... When I get mine today, I'll do the same. Call up Doctor and say, "Proceed as planned!" All those white-haired grannies in dramas look so cool saying that.
"Something wrong?"
Wonder what trouble the losers are in, but nah, probably not a big deal. If it was serious, they'd have called this Tyranno. But since they called the loser cat, must be some minor loser issue.
"Nothing big. Just that golden rat bastard clinging on. Annoying pest keeps hanging around where it shouldn't."
"Rat bastard? Squeak squeak rat? Rats are blonde these days now?"
Golden rat bastard... One thing pops into my head. Three letters in the name, starts with Ch. Yeah, that's gotta be it. The electric-zapping golden rat. Heard they were overfished for tonkatsu ingredients and nearly extinct. Still kicking, huh.
We leave the theater and head to a nearby Japanese place Lion scouted ahead.
"Store's called Daiso? What a loser name. On a scale of 10, that's a solid 9000. Pretty decent for a loser spot."
"Tyranno. On a scale of 10, 10 is the max score. Not 9000."
Huh? Is that right?
"Hmph, you're wrong♥ I'm always right, you're always wrong♥"
True to a Japanese joint, it's decked out in wood and soft indirect lighting. A big pink tree in the center, surrounded by thin-walled private rooms. Gentle music flows through. Looks like the kind where groups snag a room for meals.
We slip into one room, and bam—floor's covered in weird stuff like kelp? Daishi-ma? Whatever. We sit facing each other across a small table.
Kelp on the floor? Why? In case the soup's bland, tear some off and toss it in? RTA heaven here. Always bummed there's never enough kelp. Could boil up a ton here.
.......Maybe just a tiny nibble.
"Lemme see. Peel off a bit with my nail and nom nom nom... Ptui! Ptui ptui! What is this! Tastes like nothing!"
All texture, zero flavor! Wasted my tongue for nothing! Put this in soup? Are they sane? Heads full of mannequins or what! Loser kelp dares mock me... This humiliation won't stand. Next time I'm on Earth, I'll trash this place.
"What the hell are you doing? Don't pick up random crap and eat it. You'll get sick."
Lion looks at me with utter pity. I quickly rinse my mouth with water. Gargle gargle, but the bitterness lingers.
"It was nothing! This loser dump gets half a star from Tyranno Magic Land."
I'm a totally fair reviewer. Credit for the creative floor kelp, but docking points hard for using tasteless kelp. While I'm rating it mentally, food arrives. Sashimi, grilled fish, some red radish-looking side dishes galore. Pot dish we ordered not yet, I guess.
"Hey loser♥ You've got the chance of a lifetime to bask in the glory of bringing me that yummy-looking corn. Hurry up and fetch it♥"
"Right away."
For a loser, the server's quick on the uptake—brings the house special, corn cheese, right to me.
"Hehe, that sizzle... can't hold back, dig in!"
"Wait, that's still hot."
"Hmph♥ Like I'd fall for that—trying to steal my tasty cheese corn. Not sharing a single bite♥ All the good stuff in the world goes straight into this Tyranno's mouth—hot! Burning hoooot!"
Hot! So hooooot! My mouth! My cute little mouth is on fiiiire!
"Hot! Water! Lion, water!"
"Why do you cause trouble the second we sit down?!"
I chug the chilled water. "Pwah. Livin' now. Way too hot."
One spoonful hits my tongue and I thought I was done for.
"Innocent looks and yummy smell tricked me. Never falling for you again, loser corn cheese."
Take this! Rage chopstick poke!
"Don't play with your food."
"Not playing. This is revenge."
Poke. Po-poke, poke, poke-poke. Corn cheese. Poke. Poke poke. Coco-poke, oh go-cook. Whole minute of righteous payback on that corn cheese.
But now it's all cold, right? A full minute passed. Hope it didn't go totally cold. Disaster. Cold corn cheese sucks!
I scoop a big spoonful from the bottom—still warm from the hot stone plate—and shove it in.
"Ow hot!"
Hiiin... my tongue... Never trusting corn cheese again. Time to live for me. Take this! Merciless chopstick assault! Whirlwind fist!
-Poke poke poke poke... Now it's cold for sure?
"Ha hot! Mu! Muuuuuum!"
Betrayed by corn cheese like five times. Being too nice is a curse, huh.
While I'm warring with corn cheese, the main course arrives: nabe pot bubbling with meat and veggies, and a bottle of booze. White porcelain sake bottle labeled I love Beijing Tiananmen like proper Japanese rice wine.
Hmm. Even a genius like me doesn't know those kanji, so loser cat definitely doesn't.
"Oh, I know what these kanji mean."
"For real? Tell me what it says."
One... two... three... four... seven kanji total, so probably... a seven-letter Chinese phrase...
"It's 'double portion black bean noodles'!"
"Uh.... Aren't these kanji for North Korea? Got 'heaven' with a woman in it."
"Heaven's got a woman?"
Heaven... a thousand heavens?
"....No. Eat up before it gets cold."
What's this? Not pitying me anymore, looking at me all warm like a slightly dim neighbor. Imagination? Yeah, probably.
The nabe's pretty good. Generous meat, broth salty-sweet perfection.
Stuffing my face with nabe, Lion pops the sake lid and asks,
"Tyranno. Want some booze?"
"Huh? Can I?"
She always says no before. Giving it today?
"Sure. You're basically an adult anyway, Tyranno. Why not?"
"Yass! Gimme! Gimme!"
Begged Doctor and Lion for a sip every time they drank. Never shared till now—what changed? Doesn't matter. Who knows when she'll flip.
"I'll pour it myself!"
"Whoa? Don't pour too much at once."
Hmph. Trying to trick me again? I see your evil plan. Pour max now before she bans it♥
"Hey! Hey hey wait! Hey!"
"Too late, loser!"
Fill a water glass to the brim with sake, one shot!
"Puke! Cough! Cough! Wh-what is thiiiis! Cough!"
Weird... tastes all wrongggg...
"Cough cough... Why drink this crap..."
"Ugh, you okay? Told you not to chug. Why ignore me?"
Lion comes over with a towel... Whoaaa... suddenly dizzyyy...
"Lion, my eyes are spinning spiiiin..."
"Huh?"
Waaah... suddenly... feeling goooood...
"Sleepy... gonna sleeeep..."
"Wha wha?!"