17. Hypnosis App?
After parting ways with Chae Sua, I snatched up my phone and excitedly fiddled around with it everywhere. Snapped some photos, blasted songs on YouTube. Even gave those games a shot—the ones all the kids rave about. Meh, not that fun. I was lounging on a park bench, poking around at everything, when a notification popped up on the KakaoTalk app the phone shop had pre-installed.
"She even saved it as 'Master'?" What a total moron loser! What kinda dumbass mistake is this! Just you wait. I'll flick your forehead 3000 times later to teach you a lesson. Imagining pounding her with my rock-hard fists instead of that stupid whip made me feel a bit better. Even if she's saved like that, she's still my subordinate. I'll let it slide just this once.
"A loser like you texting me first? Aren't you supposed to wait 'til I message you? That's basic etiquette for a subordinate!" As her boss, I gotta drill in the mindset, manners, duties—stuff it all in a 57,000-character wall of text. Scolding underlings is part of the job, after all. But uh... how do you even send a message?
"Lemme see... O... k... a... y... ugh, why's this so hard?" I tap out each letter one by one with my fingers. Even a genius like me, smart and dexterous as heck, struggles with single letters. How are kids and old folks supposed to manage on this trash keyboard?
"Ugh! Screw this!" 57,000 characters can wait! After ages of effort, I finally hammered out one sentence and hit send to Chae Sua.
Reply came instantly.
"Worried about me, you loser? I'll call if I need ya." Duh. I start typing, 'A loser like you worrying about me?'
"H... e... r... o... wait, no. Not J, it's B. Where's B... there. B... u... t... who... cares..." While I'm pecking away letter by letter, another message drops. How's she typing so fast? Got motors on her fingers or what? I try replying, but boom—new message. Wipe it, start over, new one again.
"Argh, you stupid loser! Flaunting how fast you type? No consideration for your boss Tyranno here. Consideration!" In the end, while she spams a ton, my replies were just short one-worders. Hurriedly tapped 'em out before the next one hit.
Anyway, summing up Chae Sua's ramble: she'll handle birth control herself, no worries. Something called Clomiphene—she pops that, no pregnancy.
"Right, forgot about that." Contraception's key. If you knock someone up, guy and girl gotta marry. Common sense. Read it in a science book once. When a woman's pregnant, the man's body pumps out hormones—oxytocin or whatever?—making him love the wife and kid. Super strong stuff, forces unconditional love. Back in the day, girls'd use holey condoms to trap a guy and get pregnant. Unwanted marriage, but hormones made 'em fall in love anyway. Dunno if a non-human like me can even make babies or produce that oxytocin, but better safe than sorry.
"Dumbass Chae Sua won't forget like an idiot, right?" She'll handle it. Loser magical girl.
Wrapped up chatting with the loser magical girl, stretched big.
"Urghhh! Kinda tired."
Come to think, didn't sleep right last night. Sleep's huge for growing tall. Astoria Hatchman, master's student at American Octopus Academy, said it: "Nose sleeps make you grow tall."
"Yawwwn. Sleepy. Time to head home and crash." Shower first, then bed.
"Hmm, first sleepover ever—whatcha gonna do, complain?" I'm an adult, wanna crash out? No one's stopping me. If no-contact overnight bugs ya, should've got me the phone sooner! Hate that pathetic loser cat Lion more than Chae Sua!
Was about to open a portal back to Darkness when, right in the middle of my park chill spot, purple energy swirled and a gate popped open.
"I didn't open that yet?"
Maybe super-pissed Lion's here to drag me back? I duck behind the bench.
"What if Lion's mad?" Didn't do nothin' wrong, but Lion mad is scary. Even for a way-smaller loser cat. Last time at gukbap, said kimchi juice makes it tasty, poured baek kimchi broth in Lion's plain one—went ballistic. Loser cat.
Luckily, not Lion from the portal. Out pops a villain lady in a dress shirt and skirt suit, tits bigger than her head.
"Hoo, hoohihihi! I'm Hypnosis Aunt! My massive boobs make men hate me, so I invented this hypnosis app to repay that grudge and rage!"
"Eww, just a perv."
Hypnosis Aunt. Heard of her. Even in freak-filled Darknis, infamous loner loser monster. No direct combat, but crafts weird items to steal emotion energy. Last one? Turned gold-haired NTR punk wannabe into a TS beam for pure-love couples or something?
"Kyaaa, pervert! Pig pervert!"
"Dom Hwangcha!"
"You! Called me a pervert! Before real tests, you're my guinea pig for this hypnosis app!"
Hypnosis Aunt hoists her phone high like show-and-tell. Screen's got a creepy eye and swirling background—cheap Photoshop job. Real hypnosis app? Thought it was legend fantasy item. No way she actually made it.
"Hold up. Hypnosis app hypnotizes target, lets you control 'em, right?"
Then, hypnotize cocky Chae Sua with it? Perfect plan flashes in my head.
"Hey loser! Look at this screen!"
"Ack! Hypnotized!"
"Give back my whip!"
"Here, master!"
"Apologize!"
"I'm sorry, master!"
"Heh heh, heh heh heh heh. Genius plan from yours truly—totally perfect."
Hypnosis app crushes Chae Sua instantly. Turn that loser into my slave! Just imagining it... happiness overload. Once I snag the whip back, what brutal revenge? Crumb all over her bed eating snacks, make her lick my feet, order seasoned chicken—eat just the sauce and skin, dump the bland chewy meat on Chae Sua! Perfect!
"Huh? Feels like this happened before?" Magical girl... stalking... photo... Nah, imagination.
Rhino horn's sweet, might as well yank it. I strut up to Hypnosis Aunt.
"Hey, loser!"
"Who dares call me—hiiik! Tyranno-sama!"
She jumps at the sight of me. Duh. Meeting this greatness without prep? Instant heart attack for anyone. My bad on the timing.
"What brings Tyranno-sama here...?"
"Hah? Gotta report my every move to you? Am I your subordinate?"
Her backtalk sours my mood. Chae Sua grudge still simmering. Phone's a tribute, but not fully over it. Fine, vent on this loser aunt♥
"N-no! Just surprised..."
"No need to answer trash questions from a loser like you♥ That's why you're a fat pig with jiggling flab♥"
I poke her head-sized tits, squish squish.
"Pig♥ Pig♥ Head-smaller tits, sweet-tooth♥ Virgin who can't hold hands♥"
"Urk, uurrgh... Backtalk and tits ain't related..."
She grits her teeth. Whatevs, can't even touch me, loser♥
"Backtalk again♥ Think I'm a joke♥ You loser♥ Pig loser♥"
"I'm busty, not fat..."
"Heh, backtalk♥ Wanna end your loser life♥ Tell Doctor, you're Siberia-bound♥"
"Eek... P-please, not that..."
Kukukuku. Grown loser adult groveling to lil' me? Always a mood booster♥ Whew. Mood fixed—down to business.
"Hey loser. Don't wanna end your lame loser life in Siberian exile, right?"
"Y-yes! Got stuff to do in Korea. Please, not Siberia..."
"Then hand over that hypnosis app."
"Huh?"
Her eyes go wide. Face is hilarious♥
"But this is my hard-earned hypnosis app..."
"Heh, backtalk♥ Loser brain can't even get it♥ One more and you're mining rocks in Siberian wilds forever♥"
"But... this... but..."
Loser hesitating? Planning to make me stand here all day?
"Gah, gimme!"
Snatch the phone. Hmph, pervy aunt-made, total trash design.
"Hey loser. How's this work?"
"Target locks eyes with the screen's eye."
"Hmph. Really?"
Up close, even lamer. Just a weird eye pic with swirls. No features?
"This actually hypnotizes?"
"B-but it's for 'pure-love hypnosis app for childhood friends scared to confess after ten years, to confirm feelings'—not effective on just anyone..."
Hmm, but these swirls are kinda fun to watch.
"Tyranno-sama?"
Swirly swirly... purple vortex...
"Tyranno-sama?"
Swirly...
"No way, hypnotized?"
Swirly... swirly...
"But it's for childhood friends... no human should fall for it..."
Vortex... swirly... eyes swirling...
"Hypnotized by the swirls? Tyranno-sama, raise your hand?"
Swirly... hand... shoots up...
"For real?"
Gulp... swallow sound...
Swirly... swirly... purple... purple vortex...
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"Huh?"
Why am I lying on the park bench? Was just talking to pervy loser aunt...
"Ah, you're up, Tyranno-sama."
Loser aunt villain hands me water.
"Got worried when you collapsed outta nowhere—must be tired."
Thirsty, perfect. Snag her bottle, chug.
"Hmph! See me down, you grab an umbrella to shade me! No common sense? My snow-white skin burns, then what!"
Better melt both poles than tan this paler-than-pale skin.
"H-heh heh heh, sorry Tyranno-sama. Feeling okay?"
"Eh~ Thanks to some clueless loser, tanned a bit. But whatever."
Something bulky in pocket—hypnosis app. Right, snatched it from her.
"Hey loser! I'll use this hypnosis app good and return it, no worries♥"